Jesus holy hell shit fuck I hate airports. I'm never gonna route through Denver again. Actually, I never want to FLY again. The last flight was delayed for two hours while some reeking hick fixed the divider between first class and the cattle in the back -- that's right, they delayed a flight because the fancy lads didn't wanna smell the stink of the Economy Plus seats and the proles what plumped their fat asses in 'em. Fuck United. Fuck old people, too. This old guy bitched because my daughter GIGGLED when I played peek-a-boo with her on the connecting flight to Sea-Tac. "Tell your kid to keep it down," he said in a constipated tone. I gave him the ANGRY DUDE STARE and since I probably coulda snapped his brittle bones like kindling he kindly fucked off.
Kansas was ungodly boring. Since the in-laws had their house full, me and the wife and the spawn had to stay in her dead grandparents house about five miles further into bumfuck country. I'm not kidding. We had to sleep in this old, slightly rundown ranch house, where her Jew-hating granddad's ghost mistook me for Willco and raped me with his ecto-cock. My in-laws were kinda depressed for some reason, so they sat around watching Rumpole of the Bailey or going to church to ask Jesus to make them feel better about life. (I've seen the first season of Rumpole so many times now I have it memorized. I think I actually kinda like it, now, which has to be some sort of public broadcasting Stockholm Syndrome. Leo Kern pimping abortions in the 70s! Come on! FUCKERS.)
Due to gross packing negligence, I didn't have shit for videogames. I was stuck with the following:
-- a PSP and Untold Legends 2
-- a GBA Micro and Sigma Star Saga (bought for $7 at Wal-Mart)
-- an iPod Video with seasons 2-4 of Blackadder on it
I beat both Untold Legends 2 (not bad, 7/10) and Sigma Star Saga (godawful, 4/10). Yes, I was that bored. Untold Legends 2 is a decent generic Diablo clone with a goofy-ass story. Signma Star Saga is like having your scrotum placed in a mortar-and-pestle operated by a chlamydia-addled Frankenstein's monster. I only beat it because I -- much like demi -- HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO. My options were reading the Bible (3/10, starts good but gets old quick), reading children's Bible stories, reading Sexual Suicide by some 1960's anti-feminist author, or masturbating in front of my father-in-law. I exhausted the latter option quickly, and proceeded to sleep the rest of the time or watch my daughter when my wife and my mother-in-law went shopping for new rucksacks or moonshine stills or suggestive carvings of catfish copulating with morbidly obese men.
Speaking of videogames and my mother-in-law: she wants a Wii. "You don't have to push any buttons!" she chirruped. "Buttons are confusing!" I'm not shitting you feggits. When I expressed my lack of enthusiasm for my brother-in-law's Wii, she decided that it was not only good but downright HOLY since supernerd programmer son-in-law seemed meh on it. She repeatedly explained to me that you could PLAY WITHOUT PRESSING BUTTONS and I pointed out that bowling in Wii Sports required a button press and she said that didn't count and I kicked her in the post-menopausal ovaries.
Anyway, I am so very glad to be back home with INTERNETS. Kansas is a stank-ass shithole and if you live in the Midwest I hope you get cancer. Good night.
