I don't really know you, but if you haven't had a history of suicidal behavior it is very possible that this is coming more from mixing alcohol and anti-depressants then an indication of your psychology. Of course, if you weren't somewhat self destructive you wouldn't have been mixing those two things in the first place, but you probably weren't aware of how bad the reaction to that would be.
About two years ago I got onto Lexapro. I was on that for a year until I felt like it had no effect anymore. Then the doctors prescribed me Zoloft. I was on that for about three quarters of a year until I realized it was doing piss all for me.
A little over a month ago (the June 6th appointment is my 6 week check-up) my doctor put me on Celexa and klonopins. I had alcohol before with the regular anti-depressants so I thought I would be fine with the klonopins as well.
Wrong. Those little pink pills are your worst enemy when it comes to alcohol. I was never an angry, violent drunk. Ever. I'm the goofy guy who makes jokes and puts his pants on his head, not the guy who beats himself up in the mirror, tries to kill his neighbor, and tries to light himself on fire.
Obviously I now know klonopins and alcohol are a no-no. I won't be drinking for a long time. Fortunately, when taken responsibly, the klonopins truly do wonders for my social anxiety and they allow me to actually connect with people instead of shying away from them and judging them from my old high horse.
I don't know about the Celexa yet. Honestly I just want completely off shitty anti-depressants that take months to actually have an effect on you, especially since I'd like to enlist in the military which requires you to be clean from them for a year.
I'm absolutely sure that a year from the day I get off those meds, I'll be a better person. I hate that I got started on them in the first place but doctors hand them out like they're candy.
Anyways, going full circle, in the past year (after quitting Best Buy and being unemployed for 3 months) I have had thoughts of killing myself and I have actually taken physical action on causing harm to myself.
I haven't kept this a secret with the people I trust and I realize I shouldn't be doing it because it's mentally and physically unhealthy to do. I believe I got all the self destruction out of my system last night though, so no more cutting or attempts at becoming an immolated Tibetan monk for this guy.
I appreciate all of you guys' kind words and advice. I've always enjoyed being a part of this community (regardless of whether I have anything to contribute to the thread discussion or not) and I'll continue to do so.
Had I posted this on NeoGAF, Reddit, or Something Awful, I would have probably been ridiculed and pushed to carry out even more self harm.
I love you guys!
Just take care of yourself, bro. This is not you. To me you'll always be that happy guy in a panda hat. Stay safe, please.
I was going to post that picture again but I can't find it. I deleted all the pictures from my phone and Facebook page that either had my old animals in them, had my girlfriend in them, or reminded me of her. She bought me that panda hat so that picture is now gone, too. :'(
I also deleted all of her friends from my Facebook and went through 3 years of posts removing myself from any of her or her friends' tagged posts. I was quite thorough and cried the whole damn time. Thinking about it now makes me well up.
I hope to reconcile with her but I will never again have a shred of respect for her older sister for doing what she did. When my parents and I pulled up to the house, she was parked in the driveway. She saw us, floored the car in reverse out of the driveway and pulled into the bigot neighbor's driveway to talk to him about my Facebook post.
When she got out of the car at the same time as us, she didn't even acknowledge our existence or ask me if I was okay. Fuck. Her. Face. My parents agreed. See? Now the anger is back and the tears are gone. We're okay now.
I'm going to leave this thread alone until tomorrow so more people can add input to it but I believe I got most of my issues and necessary information about the situation on here.
EDIT: I can't stop thinking of things. Just to give you guys an idea of what a bitch my girlfriend's older sister is, I'll tell you this. Her mother and father are going through a rough divorce (just started it less than a year ago) because the father has a very slowly moving form of MS that's literally eating his body alive and the mother is too big of a cunt to stay by his side until he dies.
So now the mother has instigated a feud between the three daughters to pick sides. You either be with your dad or you be with me. The older sister chose the mother and has the same selfish bitch attitude that she does. My girlfriend saw through all the bullshit and has been trying to stay neutral through it all.
The younger sister is taking this opportunity to get herself into all sorts of trouble since she basically has no parental supervision whatsoever. If the mother punishes her for smoking weed, possibly sucking millions of dicks, wrecking a car, or drinking underage, she goes back to her father until the mother gets upset and begs her back.
It's a shitty situation and I'm almost glad that my girlfriend has decided to move back in with her father because he has no one to care about him anymore except for his mother, who is very old herself. He always seemed bummed out and the MS has made it so that he can barely lift a plate because he has no muscles.
I almost feel like my girlfriend just took after her bitch of a mother by running away from a painful situation instead of supporting me when I needed help the most. No one in the ER calmed me down or had me stop spouting crazy talk.
She stood at the door for about 30 seconds while I tried to talk to her and ask her if she was okay until she decided to have my brother (Cravis) and sister-in-law take her home. I was so hurt by that and it made me even crazier. They honestly should have taken me upstairs to the Psych ward.
So now you can see why her older sister is a huge fucking bitch who I'll never regain a gram of respect for. I'm going to actually try to go to sleep now and calm my mind before I get angry again. Good night Boreans!
