Everyone knows that, verily, the Doors were a really shitty band. They are probably the reason that old people do not like any new music. They all liken it to that shitty freaky hippie band from the 60s. And they're fear at accepting new music is completely justified. Between the lyrics that never rose above cryptic, pointless, and completely rudimentary poetry and the extremely basic, generally slow and talentless music that was a step backwards to things that were popular just a few years previous, The Doors did not give many mature listeners reasons to listen to them.
But just like any pile, there is corn in this shit. And we all know that no matter how many times corn has been through the digestive system, it is always sweet when you grind a piece between your teeth. My mission here today is to tell you what's good, what it is okay to like. Your mission is to listen to me, all the while remembering that I am smarter than you. Let's do this chronologically.
The Doors (1967)
Oh! There is not much to love here. Many may say this was a brilliant debut, and the finest of any album The Doors managed to release. And those many are completely wrong. Moreso than any of the other records, this one just feels rough and messy. A plodding mess that doesn't manage to do much right at all. As a matter of fact, there's only one worthwhile song that it is okay to like on it.
Break on Through - I said the album was rough and messy. Those descriptors can mean good things. I mean, would you call an Iggy and the Stooges album anything but rough and messy? Yes, you could, the songs by that band are rough, messy, and raw. This is the only song in The Doors catalog that captures the feel of rawness. It is the only song that actually feels rock and roll dangerous. The lyric is by the book Jim Morrison crappy, but at least it's got a catchy refrain.
And contrary to popular belief, the following songs are not okay to like:
Light My Fire - The music is extremely basic, maybe more than anything else the band ever did. The angular organ playing sounds like something you'd play with a Fisher Price Hippie Music play set. The vocals are delivered emotionlessly. Never have I heard someone so unexcited at the concept of having their fire lit. Everyone out there knows that there is no quicker way into my Dockers than a hippie freakout organ solo, and while this has one of the most famous ones out there, it is completely mishandled and boring; it exhausts every idea it has within its first several seconds, and then proceeds to go on for like a minute longer. A boring minute longer. Also, I don't know if it was a radio edit we were hearing as kids on the oldies radio station or what, but this song is 7 goddamned minutes long. Let me spell that out for you S-E-7-E-N. Do you remember any parts to this song other than the chorus, the verse structure, and the solo? No, you don't, but for whatever reason, the band felt the need to drag this emotionless, idea lacking, repetitive pony show on for 7 minutes! How many times have I heard this song in my life? I figured it was a staple on oldies stations and was pretty much on repeat, but with how LONG this song is, I have probably only actually heard it like 5 times, and it just feels like 500. Fuck you, Doors!
The End - Yeah, yeah, we all love Apocalypse Now, and the song was used as a fitting device as a way to signal that things were descending into pure human insanity. It worked well there, very well. But I ask you this: why did Coppola pick this song? The answer, the reason this song was the perfect choice for that segment of the movie is because it is puzzlingly awful. Just hearing it go on for nearly 12 wretched minutes is enough to drive any sane man over the cuckoo's nest. When I first used the word plodding to describe the first album, this was the song I was thinking of. It's got its angels, like the guitar work, but it's not enough to keep this hideous beast aloft. The less said of the lyrics, the better. I think Morrison was trying to be profound on this one, and I do believe that effort produced his worst lyrics. You have to be a pretty damned good band to make a spoken word segment work, and I am going to be nice and not complete this sentence.
Strange Days (1967)
No typo. This album also came out in 1967. The Doors were no doubt flailing to make the most of their success before the masses realized how bad the goatfuckers were. It shows. Maybe their most unmemorable record, most of the songs aren't worthy of any note, good or bad. There are 2 I will touch on.
People Are Strange - Possibly the high point for the band. It is reminiscent of cabaret music. It's got good piano work and probably the only great bass line the band has ever put together. The lyrics aren't even that bad, and you probably won't hear me say that again. The lyrics are playful, rather than Morrison's typical topics like love, shit, and trying to be profound. The song also doesn't stick around very long. It's like 2 minutes. Good job, band. Your cookie is that I will not comment on the 11 minute clunker at the end of the record.
Love Me Two Times - The Doors try to do something bluesy and completely fail. I think it has a pretty cool harpsichord solo. This is one of The Doors songs you hear most, and I think it provides a fairly good overview of the album it represents: An uninteresting failure. I can't even get my hate on over it, really.
Waiting for the Sun (1968)
The Doors bounced back with a substantially less awful follow up, but any hope that the band could salvage its future reputation as proprietors of shit was lost when they picked one of the most ridiculous album titles of all time. Had the band done anything to merit such a pretentious title?
Love Street - Another contender for the band's best song. Like People are Strange, the band kept the song short. The key work is great. The lyrics are pretty bad, as is the vocal performance. I'd like to call this song plodding, too but it works, maybe to unintended effect. For whatever reason the music and Morrison's lazy vocal performance makes me thing that Love Street is a pretty boring place, the song gives the feeling of going through the motions and just being a practice of instinct, a reflex. And I think reading the song like that actually works, since we all know that love is stupid bullshit. My reading is probably completely wrong, though, since Morrison was a distinguished mentally-challenged hippie that goes on and on about love and all in every other song. Fuck him. Fuck you, too.
Hello, I Love You - This song reminds me of the worst rock tracks of the 70s. The music is slow, the riff, prominent without any right to be. The memorable lyrics are fundamentally distinguished mentally-challenged and OH LOOK it's love again. Jesus, at this point in his career, Jim was so drunk that he couldn't tell love apart from eating some really good steak-ums. You know what this reminds me of? Ted Nugent garbage let's get pussy rock music. Is it really any different than Cat Scratch Fever? This is the sort of lazy ass song a musician writes just so he has an excuse to tour again just so he can fuck more 13 year old girls. The Doors, you oughta be ashamed of yourself! It's one thing to naturally manufacture crappy music, and it's totally another to crank this shit out so you can attempt to satiate your unassailable appetite for untouched girls.
The Soft Parade (1969)
Have I already labeled something their worst album? Because I changed my mind - this is it. I have previously labeled The Doors as untalented musicians with inappropriately pretentious lyrics and as creepy old perverts out to live the rock star life of unchecked borderline pedophilia, but things looked downright rosy in comparison to The Doors trying to ape the big band sound that was popular earlier in their own decade. Why would they even go for big horns and big strings when that trend was on life support by 1969? Come on, this is the same shit Elvis pulled during his lame comeback. While the brass and strings almost completely do not work with Doors songs, at least their presence meant that there were competent musicians in the studio. Unfortunately, being a talented musician working for The Doors must feel an awful lot like being Hitler's podiatrist. Whatever THAT means.
Touch Me - Hey, look, the big band sound works here! The song still sounds completely overblown. It's like dressing a whore in Dolce and Gabbana. While I have little doubt that after working with talents like Dean Martin and Frankie, the brass and strings slit their fucking wrists and shorted out the radio with their own blood after hearing the finished product get actual play, this song is actually kinda neat. It has that moody little bass and organ bit after the end of the verses. I love that part. It's another song about love, but at least the central lyric is catchy, and they must've caught Jim on a day he was coherent enough to give a decent performance. It seems like for about 3/4ths of The Doors' career, he was working in that bored, emotionless tone of voice, which completely didn't suit the material. You think Jim would get that since he wrote the shitty lyrics, but hey, he was a very dumb, drug- and alcohol-addled man and I am glad that he is dead and didn't live long enough to make more than 5 albums. Because then this post would be even longer.
Oh shit, there are 6 albums, aren't there? Being a cultural iconoclast isn't easy work, is it?
And I can't really comment any more on this album because I have listened to it in its entirety only once. I am not going to make myself suffer for like a half hour to find another song to hate on, especially when like 5% of the forum will actually read this far into the post.
Morrison Hotel (1970)
Morrison Hotel finds the band going back to straight rock after the abortion of sound that was The Shit Parade, but unfortunately the band was still struggling with basic coherence. This one is bluesier than their other rock albums, and we all know that Love Me Two Times was awful. Why they decided to make a bluesy album is only slightly less puzzling than the big band decision. The band was clearly not geared for bluesy play. I mean, they had a fucking organist. We all know how prominent organists were in classic blues. I think this album bombed, because it doesn't have any good songs on it. What the hell am I talking about, it's not like the others did either. Jesus I hate this band.
Waiting for the Sun - Wait, wasn't this the title of that other shitty album, the worst one? They must've liked the title, but not the actual song back then. And since their career had hit the shits, they must've been picking the carcass of their older material, looking for gems. Just think, this wasn't even good enough to be on the album that was titled after the song. That's pretty bad. Even when self-titled songs suck, bands still usually put them on the record. Anyway, the song is, of course, terrible. Actually, I don't think I can tell this song apart from Riders on the Storm. I think they've kind of melded together into one awful medley in my head. This son's failure to be distinct is reason enough to write it off.
And I realize that some people also like Ship of Fools, Roadhouse Blues, and Peace Frog, but they all suck, too. Oh, and the title of this album sucks, and this just may have been the band's worst album.
LA Woman (1971)
And again with the blues oriented shit that the band still can't get right, despite years of practice. At least this was it for the band, caput. Unfortunately they inspired nearly a decade of lazy shit blues rock. I personally blame The Doors for the shittiness of the late 60s and early 70s. I believe if the waves weren't crowded with this crap rock, Nixon may have been able to think straight and be the excellent president that he had the potential to be. I blame The Doors for Vietnam, from the Diem era, to the Tet Offensive, to the Fall of Saigon. Lauded as an era where the youth movement taught peace and love, the music of The Doors was the ugly reality. The world wasn't a fucked up place because of violence and culture clash and new ideas emerging and communism; no, the world was fucked up because people kept voting with their dollars for shitty Doors album after shitty Doors album. When Morrison died, the world slowly got back to normal, and things were okay by the late 70s, and they largely have been ever since, but the reign of The Doors is one of the darkest moments in human cultural history, and we must do whatever we can to make sure that a band so shitty is never so successful again. It is the cross that my generation has to carry, and we have come close to failing, but we must persevere.
LA Woman - It has a famous intro that sets a good mood, and one of Jim Morrison's more spirited vocal performances, but this is another 7 minute dinosaur. The only reason any 7 minute or longer song is ever a radio hit is because DJs have to shit. Memorable intro aside, the music is not of note. Actually, the instrumentation is so bare that there's little music to even speak of. And a 7 minute song just can't be held aloft without memorable instrumentation. When you get to be that long, you have to worry about movements, and making sure the listener doesn't get bored. Well, most musicians worry about that stuff, but not The Doors! I'll take 20 minute Yes bits of keyboard virtuoso over some ho-hum clunker with a nifty opening. Well, it does have the mojo risin ending. I guess it's notable for that. People latch on to that, and the part is catchy, but when you stop and think about it, you realize that you're listening to audible distinguished mentally-challenged. That bit of music, that segment, that was the sort of shit hippies listened to and had drug freakouts during. A generation of distinguished mentally-challenged infants was born from stupid hippies fucking like animals to that while high on dope. Flipper babies! It all comes back to The Doors; they are where our culture of iniquity came from! They must be held accountable!
Love Her Madly - Doors Love Song number 72. Bubblegummy sensibilities filtered through blues shit rock. This may as well be titled Generic Doors Song, as it appears to be representative of a large number of unmentioned songs in their catalog. I don't think these travesties even took effort to write at this point.
Riders on the Storm - I already covered this one but I wanted to remind you that it sucks, and I don't like things that suck.
So, that's it. A handful of good songs and the notable hateworthy ones. I think I should mention some good things about The Doors. The band was inspired by The Velvet Underground. That didn't become trendy until the 80s, so they were ahead of their time, there. I'm not certain on the specifics, but I believe the inclusion of an organist/keyboardists would be the most likely effect of that influence, and that inclusion is also noteworthy. They weren't VU or The Zombies, but there are a lot of good organ and keyboard bits to be found among their output. There's the occasional sour organ solo, but overall the organs get a thumbs up. And while Jim Morrison is one of the most awful humans that ever lived, when he could be prodded enough to actually get into a vocal performance, sometimes good things came out of it. That's usually once or twice an album. He usually sounds like he's either sedated by drugs, booze, or just bored. And Jim Morrison was an American rock star. He lived the life, had funny scandals, died young, got to be buried in one of the world's most famous cemeteries. And that's it. I've gone on for way too long. Let it be known that my hate cannot be contained for this band. The only band that has been more damaging to western culture (and shitty) is Led Zeppelin, but that's for another day. Besides, I'm not sure I could survive listening to all of their tremendously shitty studio material. They have like, more albums than The Doors.
