Annual Shit Heard During Thanksgiving thread

[Phoenix Dark]

Dad: Did you hear about Elmo being a pedophile?
Mom: The actor who plays him is a pedophile, not Elmo
Dad: No, Elmo is a pedophile though. All this time, and I knew it too...
Mom: ELMO IS NOT A REAL PERSON

Dad: Nothing is certain but death, taxes, Lions losing, and dry turkey
Brother: But you cooked the turkey
Dad: I can't change the rules

Mom: Turn some jazz on Pandora please
*I create a John Coltrane station*
Mom: Actually can you turn to the Dave Koz station? I don't like this
Me:

Dad: Is The Sopranos on Netflix yet?
Me: Netflix doesn't have HBO shows
Dad: But I thought The Wire was on there
Me: No it's not...
Mom: Is True Blood on Netflix yet?
Me: ...

(Yesterday my dad asked me to try to fix his laptop on Thanksgiving, but not try super hard; he asked me to loudly declare his laptop unfixable and suggest he get a new one, otherwise my mom would throw a fit at him making a large purchase)

(today)
Me: ...It looks like the hard drive crashed. There's nothing you can do...
Dad: So what do you recommend
*Mom starts staring at me*
Me: I think you should replace it. You've had this for seven years and it was rather slow anyway. Get one tomorrow
Dad: Well if you say so...
Mom: Let's go at 4AM then
Dad: But...
Mom: I'm sure you'll need to get there early. Besides I need to get some stuff from Wal Mart
Dad:

[Shadow Mod]

shit Phoenix Dark's dad says

love it

[Shaka Khan]

Me: The service in this place is slow as hell.
Dad: It's because they're pro-Israeli. Have you seen our waiter's face?
To be fair he's been repeating this all week.

[ToxicAdam]

We do that thing where everyone around the table has to say what they are thankful for. So, it's a bunch of gooey crap. My seven year old decided to say he was thankful that he didn't have to eat the stuffing.

[Eric P]

Me: The service in this place is slow as hell.
Dad: It's because they're pro-Israeli. Have you seen our waiter's face?
To be fair he's been repeating this all week.

 

[Mr. Gundam]

Me: The service in this place is slow as hell.
Dad: It's because they're pro-Israeli. Have you seen our waiter's face?
To be fair he's been repeating this all week.

[Mr. Gundam]

My family is fairly normal, so I didn't hear anything odd yesterday.

Well, my Grandpa did get really drunk and told my 9-month old daughter that she is going to grow up and a be a judge ABOUT 40 FUCKING TIMES.

[TakingBackSunday]

Nothing crazy to be honest.  Dad kept on trying to get me to watch the Obama phone video and have me explain myself, I just brushed him off and refilled his wine glass each time.

[Atramental]

Mom (saying this in front of my whole entire family): "You didn't vote for Obama did you?"
Me: "No." /lying
Mom: "Okay. Good."

  :usavich

[BlueTsunami]

Nothing said but I was taking pictures of my Aunt and Uncle and two cousins (their children). My uncle did that tongue thing like your eating pussy to my aunt, in front of her face as a joke and she laughed and said stop it. I was mildly uncomfortable. Then my 14 year old female cousin did the exact same thing to her 18 year old brother as a joke and my aunt said 'Stop it!' in her serious voice and things got really uncomfortable. I had acute douchchills.

[BlueTsunami]

The whole thing was so awkward. I was taking Christmas pics!

[Mupepe]

Then my 14 year old female cousin did the exact same thing to her 18 year old brother as a joke

Yeah, right. A joke.

I've seen this Folgers commercial.

the best part of waking up is sticking it in my sisters butt.

[Stoney Mason]

There was a heated discussion before dinner about whether Halle Berry looked better with short or long hair.

[Beezy]

There was a heated discussion before dinner about whether Halle Berry looked better with short or long hair.

short

[Phoenix Dark]

How is that a heated discussion when there's only one answer: short.

[Positive Touch]

duh

[Himu]

Short

[lennedsay]

My favorite tradition!!! @ PD and Shaka

I overheard a convo about a cousin who thinks her kid might be a Little Person because she's in the 25th percentile. They must've broken some kind of record for number of times "midget" was said at the dinner table.

I heard my dad tell one of my dogs that if he didn't watch out, I'd take the dog back to the vet who neutered him and get his pecker removed too, maybe even turn it into a vagina.

My mom told a story about their friend complaining about his back. When they asked what happened, he said he pulled something taking the trash out. "Really?" "Yea, those bags get heavy when they're full of used batteries." And pointed to his wife.

My husband gave my dad a homebrew. My dad, who orders strawberry daiquiris at Red Lobster. The homebrew was too strong for him, so he mixed it with his Rolling Rock. My husband's soul died. Then my dad said, "Can't drink too much because I've been doing good with smoking. Usually when I drink I have to smoke cigarettes or...... other things...."

[drew]

the host breaking down into tears during the pre dinner prayer/speech, been happening every year for 3 years now, i really thought he was gonna make it this time

[Phoenix Dark]

Mom (saying this in front of my whole entire family): "You didn't vote for Obama did you?"
Me: "No." /lying
Mom: "Okay. Good."

  (Image removed from quote.) :usavich

[Beezy]

 

[Human Snorenado]

PD, was there a lot of gloating at Mitt Romney's expense, or does your family not roll like that?

[T234]

I actually heard somebody say at one of the Thanksgiving dinners I went to after the Duke loss that they wanted Coach Cal fired.

My exact words were "Uh, WAT."

And then I left. Old people really are out of touch sometimes.

[Phoenix Dark]

PD, was there a lot of gloating at Mitt Romney's expense, or does your family not roll like that?

Not much political talk this year, with the election over. My mom was super upset about all the secession petitions that have come up, and she was also complaining about Romney's "gifts" nonsense but that's about it.

I envy the idealogical diversity of you, o white man. Basically black discussion of politics revolves around democrats, conspiracy nuts, and the "both sides ain't helping my neighborhood" crowd. If my extended family had showed up I'm sure I would have heard a variety of nonsense about Bush knocking down the towers, Obama being a secret Jew, and Romney having a hidden wife in South America.