Annual Things Overheard During Christmas dinner thread

[Phoenix Dark]

I thought this would be a very quiet Christmas with so many family members either out of the country or in Detroit, but my mom's best friend came over to liven things up...by completely bumming everyone out with her negative Debbie Downer shit all night

Mom: So did you see [mutual friend] today?
Friend: No. You know her mother died in August right
Mom: Yea I heard that...so sad
Friend: Stroke, then multiple heart attacks. *goes into lengthy detail*

*I got Netflix to work on their Bluray player, to much celebration*
Dad: Nice! Any good action movies on there today?
Friend: Doesn't Netflix have pornography?
Mom: What?!
Friend: I thought I read somewhere it has pornography. I don't allow it in my house
Me: There's no porn on Netflix...
Friend: Did you search for some? *laughs smugly*
Mom: Maybe we should watch a Christmas movie DVD instead...
Dad:

Friend: I tried cooking today but I almost died. I literally felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Here, look at my wrists
Dad: What do your wrists have to do with anything?
Friend: See how red they are? Usually I'm so pale, but I could just tell my body was working against me today
Me:
Friend: Oh you made ham? It'll kill ya...


Friend: I heard Obama's Hawaii vacation costs $20mil. He deserves a vacation, but really..$20mil?
Dad: Where did you hear that?
Friend: My sister sent me an email
Mom: But the paper said it was $4mil? And isn't that what's needed for gas and security?
Friend: Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you're wrong. I'd imagine it's more in the middle, so...$12mil probably amirite
Me and my dad:


(we started Neflix the minute she left lol)

[Yeti]

Was she the ugly and annoying friend your mom kept around to seem hotter by comparison?

[Phoenix Dark]

We had a mild celebration, we got my younger sister and brother gifts and that's about it. We didn't have a christmas dinner or anything, but one line that stuck with me:

*Watching the news in the morning*
The Mustachioed Man: I used to like Anderson Cooper until he said he was gay.
Me: You still like Jodie Foster and she's gay.
The Mustachioed Man: That's different, I had a blast hanging out with lesbians in penn state, they used to get me laid all the time. Hell once I banged one of them. You see her?
*Points at Rachel Maddow*
The Mustachioed Man: I think she's pretty and smart, I'd love to have a shot at her. Even though she'd probably prefer your mother.

omg

[Joe Molotov]

Rachel Maddow is cute, your dad's got good taste in lesbians. 

[Shaka Khan]

I spent this Christmas at home so...[Redacted Arabic gibberish]

[brawndolicious]

Met up with a friend I haven't seen in years. He blamed me for destroying his hopes of being discovered as an actor because I showed him Anvil years ago.

Just got this on okc to cheer me up tho.

[drew]

"if some shit goes does go down in Washington and AK's get banned i got you, you can have either my sig 55r or my Draco."

my nicca

then we went upstairs and finger fucked 4 AK's, a glockenspeil, and a bullpup saiga 12 gauge.