One of my soldiers from my last deployment killed himself

[The Business]

How do I maintain a positive outlook on something like this?

RIP, buddy.

I sent his dad a message on Facebook that I'd like to share with everyone because the world should know:

Dear [edited],

We met in March of 2011 when you gave me a ride with David to the Ada Armory the day we left for pre-deployment training in Camp Shelby, Mississippi. Over the next year as his squad mate and squad leader we lived, trained, ate, and relaxed together and we got to know each other as well as two men could.

I know that I there is little I can say that could attempt to soften your overwhelming loss, but allow me to describe the David I knew: He was a clever, competent, and motivated soldier and a kind, thoughtful, and generous person. An expert mortar gunner, he was always sharing his many care packages and offering to buy the near-beer for our off days in Kuwait. He entertained us with his quick wit and was eager to share his books and Xbox games.

I am truly sorry for your family's loss and offer you my most sincere condolences. The Army, his community, and this earth are surely worse off without him. I've attached a photo of David from the spring of 2011 when we were training at Ft. Polk, Louisiana, so you may remember him as I knew him.

Very respectfully yours,

[edited]

I've had four or five scotches but I don't feel anything. My wife is at work and my best friend is away so I don't know what else to do tonight.

[Human Snorenado]

Holy shit, man.  Condolences.

[Mupepe]

I don't know what to say. But the message you wrote to his father is perfect IMO. It is sincere and direct

[Yulwei]

Sorry to hear that, man. My condolences.

[Dickie Dee]

Really sorry to hear that man. Condolences

[Mupepe]

I feel very bad. What do I do? Do I go to school/work tomorrow? If I don't, what do I do instead?

when my dad died I went to work and found myself unable to focus. My original thoughts were what am I going to do at home except think and dwell on it? Well I ended up leaving work early and just something about being in the comfort of my own home and having time to process it comfortably helped. My $.02

[Yeti]

I don't think it would be very healthy to try to push this to the back of your mind in order to power through work/school. You're going to wind up dwelling on it no matter what you do, I've always found it easier to grieve in private than in public. Sorry for your loss.

[Phoenix Dark]

So sorry to hear this, my condolences.

Do vet support groups help? I really don't know what's the best way to deal with this issue.

[Smooth Groove]

Sounds like a good idea to talk to other Army buddies that knew your friend.   It might be easier to go through this with others who share your memories and feelings. 

Sorry for your loss.

[Shaka Khan]

Texted my boss and emailed my professor and let them know not to expect me tomorrow. I'm meeting with another one of my former soldiers who was one of the first people to find out and went over to his place to help his fiancée clean up. I should probably get my uniform in order as well. I can be productive tomorrow without feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

I was going to suggest something similar. And depending on how close you two were, you can call his parents/family at some point, even before the funeral. At least that's what we usually do.

My deepest condolences, buddy.

[Purple Filth]

Yikes 

Condolences to the family and you as well

[lennedsay]

Jesus... I'm sorry man... I'm sure his dad needed and appreciated your message. I always feel empathic for the parents, spouses, kids, but just remember that you lost someone too, and under horrible, sudden circumstances. Just take time for yourself and do what feels right for you to grieve. It might take some time to sink in.

I'm friends with the wife of a veteran who started and run a charity to help active military and veterans, trying to prevent suicide. They just bought a beautiful piece of property to build a retreat for struggling veterans and their family. The wife posts articles of (mostly) men who commit suicide after serving. It's so sad. They're always so young with an entire life ahead of them. Even though they are strangers, she's always so devastated because she wants to help so badly, but it's too late for so many. They do help a lot of people though, providing financial assistance, remodeling homes, getting physical and mental therapy for them, etc, especially when the military is less than helpful. And that's just one organization. There are people out there who want to listen, help, anything they can do. Keep that in mind when you talk to your Army buddies the next few weeks.

[Shaka Khan]

(The like is an approval of your message, btw)

[Himu]

I'm so sorry, Biz. I thought the letter you sent was heartfelt and just brimming with love and respect for the man's son. I think he will appreciate it a lot. Please try to talk someone and put down the liquor. The liquor will not help. Instead, try phoning the guys who fought with you, consult your soldier network. That is what I think, at least. So you can at least talk it out with the people who knew him. This may allow you to grieve in full.

Get some good sleep and don't drink too much.

[Cerveza mas fina]

Condolences man.

[Rusty Shackleford]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your message was very moving. I think it'll mean a lot to his family.

[CatsCatsCats]

The message you sent probably made a world of difference to the family, very nicely done. I'm sorry for your loss. You'll get through this.

[Eric P]

that's awful, man

[chronovore]

Hey, Business, that is a good letter to have sent to the man's father. You've suffered an incredible blow, and sharing time with another person who can relate to the loss is the best thing you can do.

My father served in the army in Viet Nam, and it affected the path of the rest of his life, right up until he took his own life.

Be there for your fellow soldiers, and reach out for help when you need it. Be kind to yourself.

I am very sorry for your loss. Good god, how tragic.

[T234]

My condolences, good sir. And Very Good on You for writing that letter. The ravages of war lie not just in material destruction, but in the damaged psyche of those who fight in it as well. The stopping of the brains flow of serotonin due to traumatic events (what they call PTSD, but that name is wholly inadequate) is one of the most under-researched mental health issues of our time.

[G The Resurrected]

I'm so sorry 

As someone who lives and takes care of a Veteran with PTSD I know all to well the struggles that you guys face on a daily basis. I know that the isolation and frustration some guys feel is too much. I can only hope that people remember the men for what they have sacrificed and not for how they pass. It's a daily struggle with my father in-law and I know it can't be easy thinking the world doesn't understand what you guys have been through. And I don't sit here and pretend to know how it must feel, I just respect you for who you are and what you have done for me and the country I love. It's more than I'll ever be able to do in my life.

Thank you for doing what you do

[brawndolicious]

For whatever reason he was thinking of when he killed himself, I'm sure he was hoping that his family would have support to get through it. It's been said by everyone but that was a very good letter.

[Snuflupagulus]

Are those baby cheeks?   We ask young men to do such hard and emotionally fracturing things. Then old men tell them to buck up. We valorize stoicism to the detriment of the wellbeing of our young soldiers. Many of my family have served. My father was drafted during Vietnam. I know little of his experience as it is not something he spoke of (and I won't ever know; cancer). An uncle on my mother's side served in Vietnam. Guilt prevents him from speaking of his time. He was the lone survivor of his crew when their transport plane was brought down. To this day, I'm struck by how little guidance they were given in how to reconcile their well-intentioned natures with the actions necessary to be warriors.

Business, you're a good person. Moreover, a demonstrably good friend. Grief is incredibly wounding but also cathartic. I hope you allow for it. Maybe it's incongruous, but I've found grief to be both a companion and relief from the turmoil of a friend or loved one passing.

[Yeti]

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It's just emotions and feelings washing over you like waves from an ocean.

[Phoenix Dark]

My grandad fought in WWII and rarely spoke about it, outside of random race related comment here or there (specifically about how black soldiers were treated). He didn't discuss being in a war zone until he was about 75 years old.

[tiesto]

My condolences, Biz.

[nudemacusers]

I don't have any advice or insight, I've never had to deal wit this kind of event. I'm sorry this happened. Hang in there, talk with people if you need to. I'm sure his father appreciates the letter, and big respect for sending it.

[CajoleJuice]

My grandad fought in WWII and rarely spoke about it, outside of random race related comment here or there (specifically about how black soldiers were treated). He didn't discuss being in a war zone until he was about 75 years old.

For the most part, this mirrors my own grandpa.

I don't even know what to say, Biz. I read this thread and your message a few times and felt like anything I posted would just be parroting what everyone else has been saying. That message was the most thoughtful thing you could do, as this is the worst thing imaginable for any parent. Good on you for that. The takeaway to maintain your friendships is also a good one, as that regret about not keeping in touch has never totally gone away for me with a friend who died years ago. I hope you're hanging in there somehow.

[Mupepe]

My grandad fought in WWII and rarely spoke about it, outside of random race related comment here or there (specifically about how black soldiers were treated). He didn't discuss being in a war zone until he was about 75 years old.

My grandfather has never brought it up.  The only way I knew is that I asked.

My father on the other hand always talked about Vietnam.  Up until his late 40's he would always tell it like it was a joke.  Discuss friends dying and tell it like it was some sort of punch line.  It was really hard to listen to.  The last few years he really started to take his therapy seriously and he would tell me more about what it was like.  I regret not asking more though.  It affected him so much and I didn't make much of an effort to really understand it.  After he passed I was going through some of his personal files and I guess in his therapy sessions they asked him to write down incidents that haunted him.  Horrifying is completely inadequate to describe it but it's all I can come up with.