It's 4:40am in the UK. I've watched tonight as most of my friends have spewed their happiness all over the internet. A few people have ruminated or shared a little too much about their lives in New Years messages on Facebook. The same thing seems to have happened with some of my friends on Twitter etc. too... some of us are sentimental I guess. I expect some people will shy away from reading those things or turn their nose up at it all, but personally, I don't think they're a bad thing. People don't share enough with each other, to be honest. As the Ghost of Christmas-Present says - "Come in! And know me better man"
I could tell you all Happy New Year and really feel it, but those three words alone won't really convey where it comes from -- so I'm going to chip in with a nice big post that very few of you will read:
A few years ago I spent New Years Eve on my own in Bath, a small city in the United Kingdom. I felt like I was at the lowest point possible. I felt like I had absolutely nobody to talk to and wouldn't know what to say if I did. That same night, someone got in touch with me and helped me turn my frown upside down. As it happened, she knew exactly what to say to me and made me feel like I was pretty competent with words myself. For the first time in years, I wasn't doing anything wrong or immoral, and my life was about to become exciting! In a whirlwind few weeks we began a relationship. I'm 30 years old, but if I'm honest, its probably the first relationship I've ever had. Everything that came before it was either a youthful romance or some kind or ill-advised fling that I couldn't make anything of. Bad money management and increased stress from work eventually made me feel like this was the only good thing going on in my life. Like a black hole, I consumed every kiss, hug, show of affection and ray of light she had to give. Of course, eventually, that kind of all-consuming pressure scares the living fuck out of people and pushes them away... invariably, into the arms of someone who isn't losing their mind. So that's been over for quite a while now. I've not been all that interested in having a girlfriend ever since. I do miss having someone else to be interested in though. To do things with (get your mind out of the gutter). When you're pushing into your early 30s and feeling like a socially stunted manchild, these things do have a way of messing with your head.
A couple of years or so passed after all that, where it felt like I was trying and failing at everything I did, personally and professionally. It definitely did something bad to me. After a 6 month stint in another city, where I couldn't even be bothered to unpack my things, I moved back home to be nearer to family. The four and a half years I'd spent living away now felt like a failed experiment, something I hadn't properly coped with. I spent the next year or so treating myself like shit, spewing redundancy money on boys toys, videogames, drink and terrible food. I'm now in a place where I'm trying to undo all that bad behaviour, and I consider that episode of depressive binging one of the worst things I have ever done to myself. If anything, its only made things worse.
Bear with me here, because I do end on a positive note... but this is life! Weight gained in weeks takes months to come off, confidence lost in minutes takes years to come back. My social life is now much worse than it was before. I rarely if ever go out, and I seem to be reaching the age where people never do... Everybody I know is paired off, married or breeding. While I am grateful that I have one, my new job isn't the best thing in the world. I'm general IT in a small company. The people are good, empathetic, and lovely people, but its occasionally difficult to live up to expectations. Such as: doing a whole bunch of things, that would normally require more than one person (and cost a fair bit) - while doing them well, at speed, on my own, with no real budget and for quite basic pay. I struggle to drag myself out of bed for that. I don't really believe in myself or what I'm doing, and I'm probably only doing what I do, because I still haven't picked a dream to chase. If you've got a professional passion, you've hit the jackpot. One of my colleagues calls me on the phone every single morning to encourage me to get up and do something with my life. Its crazy that I feel like I need that. Imagining for a moment that I had someone special in my life, which I don't (and reading that back, why would I?) - but if I did, and I were getting married tomorrow, I'd have no best man to tell funny stories about me. I know one or two friends who could probably conjure some genuine warmth and a good tale or two, but I can't think of one person who would know a whole lot about my recent life. There is very little of the past that I'm proud of or want to hear about any more. Memories of good times gone by just make me feel shit about the present and worried about the future. Its crazy that you can have hundreds of friends on facebook but actually feel quite alone, but that's where I'm at and that's what this socially connected age seems to be. You're connected to a whole lot of people who don't really know a whole lot about you. Its impossible for us to maintain this many friendships in reality.
You know what though?.. I do know I'm not alone. I do have good friends, there's just a fair few in other parts of the country and I don't see them a lot. I have my family. I know these people care, so its not all bad. My nephew (for now at least) seems to idolize me and I've sat in a nice warm house from which I watched fireworks while hoping for better things. I've been following a friends blog while he travels the world, and it feels positively disgusting to even dare being unhappy while being reminded of how much worse it can be elsewhere. That's without even considering the World's true pits of despair. You know the world is a shitty place when you have friends and family that have had to go off to war zones. Fuck that. 2013, for me, has been a year of trying to think about stuff like that and snap out of it. I've been treating myself better lately, I'm starting to look and feel better about myself, and despite everything I've just said, I've got a fools optimism.
Tonight was one of those rare occasions where I *could* have done something pretty awesome and social. There are parties I could have gone to - but I didn't bother. Not only could I not really afford it, but as you can probably tell, drink doesn't play nice with me. If you just really love to get pissed and party - and you never think or feel like this - great! I do envy you. Don't let anyone rain on your parade.
If any of you aren't 100% at the moment, or if you have been going through some physical or mental shit that you don't really talk to anyone about -- maybe your confidence is shot, maybe you don't like yourself, maybe you're thinking about people you've lost, things you've lost, or terrible things that others have gone through. Illness, death, true loss... Well, I won't pretend I know how you're feeling, but I do hope the next year treats you better.
There's not a single force in this universe that seems to have a benign purpose, barre maybe the force of nature that we can be for each other. The sunshine we bathe in would mercilessly fry us if not for celestial coincidence. Earth's very atmosphere, the air that we breathe, is sustaining our life-force and helping to kill us at the same time. Every day is survival. Every lift is a fight against gravity. Every smile and laugh is a fight against all of the negative emotion that nature and nurture have cruelly crafted our minds to feel. So happy new year, to all of you. I hope 2014 makes you smile and laugh a lot. Some of you have been routinely horrible to me and continually posted those embarrassing miiverse posts, but I love you all the same. Happy New Year guys!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
