I Never Thought My Son Would Play With Guns

[benjipwns]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vered-benhorin/i-never-thought-my-son-would-play-with-guns_b_4429882.html

I woke up this morning to my nearly 5-year-old son, his big blue eyes close to mine, saying "Mama! Let's play!" Somehow, I dragged myself to the living room where he had set up dinosaurs. He told me the rules: "My dinosaurs have superpowers and yours don't. Mine find yours and then kill them with their power!" That woke me up.

I wondered if I should say something to him about killing -- again. I tried to redirect the violence in the play by having my dinosaurs offer friendship and joint living in a cave. He didn't bite. "No! they are not friends! OK mama? OK?" "OK," I said, in resignation. Because at that moment, it felt like I had lost that battle.

What happened to my gentle little boy who would cradle his dolls if they happened to fall on the ground? Where is the boy who would never consider the possibility of intentionally hurting another? And where did this one, who pretends to shoot others, come from? "My son will never do that," I used to say.

As usual, parenting is humbling.

Guns first showed up last year. Amidst his love affair with Mary Poppins and Annie, he also started asking about weapons. He wanted me to cut a gun out of cardboard so he could take it to school. Mortified, I imagined his teachers' reactions when they saw it.

We talked about how guns are best used for protection, only by those whose job it is to protect -- the police, the army. I told myself that he was interested in guns in the same way he was interested in a policeman's pad, handcuffs and hat -- fun tools of the trade.

Eventually, he didn't accept my explanation and started asking questions I didn't have the answers to. And they were questions that I ask myself all the time. Why would we need protection? From whom? Does protecting mean hurting someone else?

As a therapist, I am fully aware of a child's need to use play as a way to experience anxiety in a non-threatening situation. Through play, children can express what they find confusing, exciting and overwhelming about the world.

As a mom, it's not that simple. A therapist is trained to put her own issues aside, or to use them in a way that will benefit the patient. But as a mom, my ego is wrapped up in my son. His behavior often feels like a reflection of who I am and how I am perceived. I know this feeling is detrimental, but it is sometimes hard to shake.

My own associations to guns and violence are not the same as my son's. At just the mention of guns, I feel a wave of sadness and despondence. I think about school shootings, accidental shootings in homes with guns, and wars.

My son's interest in guns has to do with his developmental stage as a kid and as a boy. He is becoming more aware of his own agency. He experiments with being defiant. "You are not a good mama!" he says, when he is upset at me. "I hate this food!" he says, about dishes he loved a day earlier. Then he looks up at me with red cheeks to see if he has crossed the line, wanting to make sure that there is indeed a line.

He divides the world into black/white, good/bad, yes/no, perhaps as a way to simplify a world that he is beginning to sense is not so simple.

He is becoming more aware of those around him and how their actions reflect on him. He sees fellow students who are older and more competent than he is in certain areas and feels disempowered, just by their presence.

That's why he loves superheroes. Playing games with a clear bad guy to defeat --and a clear good guy who usually has a little extra power born out of goodness -- makes him feel safe again. I get that. It is the preoccupation with weapons and violence that stops me in my tracks. I struggle with whether his play stems from the desire to HURT another, or OVERPOWER another.

So, what do I do?

When I can I play with him, hoping that if he acts out the dynamics of good and bad, powerful and weak, healthy and injured, he is releasing some of his anxiety.

On some days I allow him to defeat me with his powerful dinosaurs. I let him make up the rules and I pretend to be scared of his strength. He becomes exhilarated and later seems to be much better company during the dinner/bath marathon.

On other days I fight back, unable to put my own sense of powerlessness aside. My army people find a place to hide, my dinosaurs demonstrate their own strength and I try to outsmart him (we all know it is impossible to outsmart a kid).

On my worst days I freeze up. He mentions guns and I wonder where I went wrong. I feel as though the future is bleak and full of pain and war, and I couldn't do anything to help, not even raise a mensch. In those moments, I don't allow him to be him.

I talk to him about the difference between play and real life. I tell him that, in real life, guns and weapons can hurt people to the point of death. We talk about what it means not to be living anymore.

This afternoon we sat down to play again. I was prepared to let him express his every desire and overpower me in whatever way he chose, even if it scared me. This time, he told me that our dinosaurs were cleaning up with sponges connected to the bottom of their feet. No violence, no drama. I was ridiculously disappointed, because for a moment, I thought I had figured out a tiny little aspect of parenting my son.

And then the doozy hit at dinner. What does he want for his fifth birthday? A light saber! Lego Chima! Sword! Stay calm. He needs to play it out to understand it, and he needs to play with someone he feels safe with.

Little does he know that this playing partner is still trying to work it all out herself, and sometimes feels just as terrified and confused as he does.

[Madrun Badrun]

I never thought I would read something so dumb. Stay calm.

[Trent Dole]

I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings.

[Diunx]

Boy is a boy, blogpost at 11.

[brob]

This isn't as good as the white woman who had her safe space yoga class invaded by blacks, but it's pretty good.

What is this genre of comedy called?

[Diunx]

First world problems.

[Your Stalker]

cac shit

[Eel O'Brian]

pretty sure i had an actual BB gun at age five, will have to ask the folks

[Madrun Badrun]

I had throwing knives in grade 3. 

[Joe Molotov]

Dear Ladies' Home Journal,
I never thought it would happen to me, but...

[recursivelyenumerable]

Sorry to mockers but I can empathize with this post. It is kind of poignant.

[Rahxephon91]

Jesus. I get that were trying to move away from this society that is all about putting things into "this is for boys" "this is for girls". Girls should be able to like anything. Boys should be able to like anything. Blah blah, but jesus stuff like this....It's not crazy to think boys will gravitate to some things and "action" stuff is one of those things. I'm sorry you could have warped me in a pink blanket or whatever, but I'm pretty sure by the age of freaking 3 I'd be all over things with explosions.

But I don't know. I feel like this super shielding of things like violence do more harm then good.  I myself am scared shitless of guns, yet I'm sure I saw Robocop at 5. Thats the thing begining at an early age I learned that stuff was fake, not real. I learned the distinction between real violence and fictional. My friends and I would sword fight with lightsabers, but we were pretending to be in Star Wars, not pretending to kill each other. I mean what good does hiding this stuff do? When you're kid grows up not knowing how to deal with this stuff and reacts to it. I'm not saying a young kid needs to be exposed to hardcore violent stuff or whatever, but what is the harm in playing cops and robbers. Are kids really unable to see the distinction that they are playing a game?

[Madrun Badrun]

Sorry to mockers but I can empathize with this post. It is kind of poignant.

Were you allowed to play with gun-toys as a kid?

[nudemacusers]

was hoping this thread would be about a yaoi anime 

[BlackMage]

was hoping this thread would be about a yaoi anime 

There is still time. We can make this happen!

[chronovore]

Psychologist parent is producing an overly analyzed child, film at 11.

[Great Rumbler]

Psychologist parent is producing an overly analyzed child, film at 11.

That kid wasn't going to grow up to have issues before, but he definitely is now.

[Mupepe]

I was shooting .22 rifles at 5. *shrug* this lady is nuts and I feel for that kid

[benjipwns]

That kid wasn't going to grow up to have issues before, but he definitely is now.

Although she isn't the type, I'm still glad "mommy blogging" wasn't a thing when I was being raised into the horrible perverted creature I am.

[Madrun Badrun]

'mommy blogging' was just called Oprah and The View in the old days.

[recursivelyenumerable]

Sorry to mockers but I can empathize with this post. It is kind of poignant.

Were you allowed to play with gun-toys as a kid?

Yes but I was guilted for it

[brob]

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/11/devastated-by-my-sons-tattoo

When Tess Morgan's son came home with a tattoo, she was griefstricken. She knew her reaction was OTT (he's 21) but it signalled a change in their relationship

Put out the bunting, crack open the beers, stand there in the kitchen smiling from ear to ear, because he's home – our student son is home and the family is together again. And after supper, after the washing up is done, the others – his younger siblings – drift off to watch television, and he says: "Would you like to see my tattoo?"

I say, "You're joking."

He says, "No, I'm not."

But still I wait. Any minute he's going to laugh and say, "You should see your faces" because this has been a running joke for years, this idea of getting a tattoo – the hard man act, iron muscles, shaved head, Jason Statham, Ross Kemp. He's a clever boy. Maybe during his school years he thought a tattoo would balance the geeky glory of academic achievement.

His father says, "Where?"

"On my arm," he says, and touches his bicep through his shirt.

His lovely shoulder.

In the silence, he says, "I didn't think you'd be this upset."

 

[benjipwns]

I look up laser removal. Which is a possibility, I think miserably, that only works if you want a tattoo removed. And I'm not in charge here. My son is.

My husband asks, "Have you seen it yet?"

I shake my head. Like a child, I am hoping that if I keep my eyes tightly shut the whole thing will disappear.

"It's his body," he says gently. "His choice."

"But what if he wants to be a lawyer?"

"A lawyer?"

"Or an accountant."

[Great Rumbler]

Lawyers and accountants generally wear long-sleeved shirts and jackets, though...

[Great Rumbler]

Good Lord Almighty. I just read the rest of that tattoo article and it is, without a doubt, the most WASP-ish thing I've ever seen. I just...I can't even with this.

[benjipwns]

In the US maybe. This is the UK, they drive on the wrong side of the road too.

Good Lord Almighty. I just read the rest of that tattoo article and it is, without a doubt, that most WASP-ish thing I've ever seen. I just...I can't even with this.

"I don't want you to apologise," I say. (A lie. Grovelling self-abasement might help.)

He says, "I'm still the same person."

I look at him, sitting there, my 21-year-old son. I feel I'm being interviewed for a job I don't even want. I say, "But you're not. You're different. I will never look at you in the same way again. It's a visceral feeling. Maybe because I'm your mother. All those years of looking after your body – taking you to the dentist and making you drink milk and worrying about green leafy vegetables and sunscreen and cancer from mobile phones. And then you let some stranger inject ink under your skin. To me, it seems like self-mutilation. If you'd lost your arm in a car accident, I would have understood. I would have done everything to make you feel better. But this – this is desecration. And I hate it."

We look at each other. There seems nothing left to say.

Over the next few days, my son – always covered up – talks to me as if the row had never happened. I talk to him, too, but warily. Because I'm no longer sure I know him.

[Shadow Mod]

21?

Here I thought it was like some 13 yr old coming home with that shit.

[Phoenix Dark]

Raekwon warned us.

[Madrun Badrun]

I think these mom blogs are a good thing.  Clearly these women should be sneaking Valium to sooth their boring lives instead of self medicating with these blogs.  Maybe white middle class males will finally realize that the war on drugs negatively impacts their lives.

[Damian79]

I felt like smacking my head against a wall reading the first two lines of that.  Did anyone read the whole way through?

[thisismyusername]

I felt like smacking my head against a wall reading the first two lines of that.  Did anyone read the whole way through?

I got about five or six paragraphs in before I "TL;DR" it and I'm generally a "TL;DR"er. It's too stupid to bother with reading it in full.

So long as her kid knows gun safety, he isn't going to shoot up a school. I really don't get her worry over guns or violence. Okay, I do... but I don't see the issue with imaginary play.

There is far worse shit out there for him to see/do than play with imaginary guns.

[a slime appears]

I felt like smacking my head against a wall reading the first two lines of that.  Did anyone read the whole way through?

I tried to read the bolded parts but I just fucking couldn't.

 

[Trent Dole]

I never thought my mom was an insufferable self absorbed fucking distinguished mentally-challenged fellow.

[WanderingWind]

I kinda want to drag these people into a real shithole so they can meet actual human beings. How on earth do you let your world view become so disgusting.

I hate tattoo lady more than I hate anybody right now.

[a slime appears]

[Diunx]

Raekwon warned us.

Wu is for the children, but the children didn't listen

[drew]

because of that post I am now listening to liquid swords in it's entirety

[Broseidon]

The tattoo shit...

We've reached peak WASP, gentlemen.

[nachobro]

That mom needs to just kick back with pills and wine like every other rich white lady and give her son a little breathing room.

[benjipwns]

Wouldn't she have to understand it?

At just the mention of guns, I feel a wave of sadness and despondence. I think about school shootings, accidental shootings in homes with guns, and wars.