Objective Game Reviews

[benjipwns]

http://www.objectivegamereviews.com/

ABOUT OUR MISSION
Our mission is to bring you the most objective video game reviews on the Internet.

Why? Because you’ve asked for them.

For years, gamers have called for reviews to be more objective. Every few months, there is some controversy about a new game that got a score that was too high or too low. Gamers blame the opinions of those who write reviews. Game journalists have their own ideas about what makes a game good or bad, and these ideas influence the score they give to games.

Enter Objective Game Reviews.

We solve this problem by reviewing games without letting our personal opinion get in the way. All of the reviews we write are 100% objective, guaranteed. When you read a game review from Objective Game Reviews, you can trust that what we say is not based on our own biases or opinions.

No more opinion. No more subjectivity. No more controversy.

Here at Objective Game Reviews, you can finally read a review without worrying about the opinion of the author. So, go ahead! Browse our reviews and discover a new game you will love!

What is an objective game review?
An objective game review is a review that is not based on the reviewer’s opinion. Most game reviewers only tell you what the reviewer thinks about the video game, but because people have different opinions, you can never be sure if the review is correct or not. An objective game review is always correct.

How do you assign an objective score to a game?
To assign a score to a game, we objectively determine which number, on a scale from one to ten, best represents the game. This number takes into consideration all of the relevant information about the game, including the game’s graphics and its story.

I disagree with one of your reviews – what makes you right and me wrong?
It’s not a matter of right and wrong – we’re just doing different things. The reviews we write and the scores we assign are objective, and if you disagree with one of them, it is probably because you have an opinion about the game that does not match the objective fact. Everyone has opinions, and that’s fine, but you shouldn’t expect your opinions always to match with the objective fact any more than you should expect your favorite foods to be the most healthy ones.

If you have an objective way of reviewing games and assigning scores, why can’t you tell me what it is so I can verify that it’s objective?
Other video game reviews are subjective, which means they are based on the opinion of the reviewer. Opinions are unique to each person: your opinion is different from everyone else’s opinion, even if only a little bit. This means that each reviewer can be open about where their review score comes from: it comes from their own opinion.

Our reviews are different. Because our reviews are objective, they do not differ from person to person. This means that if we told everyone how to write objective reviews, there would be nothing stopping them from starting their own objective review site! We pride ourselves on providing the most objective game reviews online, but to do this we need to be circumspect about how we arrive at the correct, objective conclusion.

I can't believe I didn't find out about this until now. That's three months worth of objective reviews I've missed for games, I've probably bought so many objectively bad ones during that span.

That's what I get for not checking the Hotline Miami Steam page over and over again to see the reviews they link: http://store.steampowered.com/app/219150/

[Himu]

Gamer passive aggression is nothing to fuck with.

[benjipwns]

I thought it said Objectivist game reviews and you had me running in here with my troll hat on

But does Titanfall on the Xbox One succeed on its own? No, it relies on the power of the cloud. It is multi-player only. It is dependent on others to achieve. If they abandon it, it will fail exposing its umbilical cord to the collective. Graphics are alright. 1.25/10

[Rufus]

This was started by some peeps from the Idle Thumbs forums.

[benjipwns]

http://objectivistgamer.com/ 

I’ve been an Objectivist probably most of my life but only knew of the name and had a firm understanding of the axioms for the past five years.

[magus]

if i have to read a gaming mock site, i'd rather read play 4 real

[benjipwns]

yet fails to properly demonstrate through its meagre audiotape-based storytelling the why and how
...
In the overworld, it is no coincidence that the cleanest, most attractive and safest areas are those carved out by the arms corporations, who succeed in making a hellworld like Pandora habitable without the interference of sticky statist fingers.

I actually think the audio logs they cut from the first game about the different corporations and why they came to Pandora and what they setup in each area and how/why they abandoned were a mistake to cut. It really fleshed out the world you were coming into in terms of why things were located where they were or why they even existed in the first place, etc.

Well, in comparison to the borderline nothing that was in the final game.

EDIT: The second game has a comparative lack of mystery.

[Great Rumbler]

Final Fantasy VII is an RPG wherein the player controls a mercenary and the friends that he meets while he travels the world searching for Sephiroth, a man with whom the player’s character shares a connection that is revealed over the course of the game. Along the way, the party is beset by mutated creatures, wrestles with personal demons, and fights against the ShinRa Electric Energy Company that acts as a de facto worldwide government.

Final Fantasy VII takes place from a third-person perspective. In combat, the player controls each character by selecting an attack from a list. Characters can only attack after time has passed since their last attack. Defeating enemies earns experience points for the characters the player controls. These points cause the characters to level up. Leveling up increases a character’s statistics. These statistics control values like how long the character must wait between attacks and the amount of damage done by their attacks. Sometimes the player’s party fights boss enemies, which are more difficult than regular enemies. Bosses offer more experience points when defeated. If the player cannot defeat a boss, they can go fight other enemies to earn experience points, allowing them to level up and increase their stats. This process affords the player a greater chance of defeating the boss.

The plot in Final Fantasy VII involves world travel, anarcho-capitalism, snowboarding, love, and environmentalism, among other themes. In various instances throughout the story the player’s party meets Sephiroth, who departs rather than engaging in combat with the player’s party. The pursuit of Sephiroth brings the player’s party to different locations, each of which has distinct aesthetic and narrative elements, such as Midgar, where wealthy individuals live on a plate in the sky while poor individuals live in slums on the ground, or Wutai, where the consequences of a lost war against the ShinRa Electric Energy Company include an economy that is now based on tourism.

The graphics in Final Fantasy VII are made up of polygonal character models set in static pre-rendered environments. During field travel segments, the models are comparatively much smaller and less detailed than they are in battle, where they are larger and also more realistically proportioned. The music in Final Fantasy VII is primarily made up of melodic symphonic tracks, with occasional rock music, jazz, and other music, all of which is synthesized. Final Fantasy VII features no voiced dialogue, and the sound effects are also completely synthesized.

The player’s party visits a town where the installation of a ShinRa Mako Reactor has destroyed the town’s coal-based economy. Later, one character enter’s the mercenary character’s subconscious, where a large model of the mercenary floats in the air while struggling with an existential crisis. When encounters enemies on the field while traveling, the battle backgrounds include the shore of the beach. The player also pilots a submarine. It is possible to recruit secret characters, one of whom the player can encounter by spending time in forests. At one point, the player’s character crossdresses in an effort to rescue another character.

(Image removed from quote.)

Haters owned.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

These reviews are friggen awful!

-List some facts about the game.
-Stamp the game with a number score.

That's it.

[close]

[benjipwns]

Well, those were like two or three sentences. IIRC, there's an interview where they say they dropped so much of the lore because they found people just wanted to level up instead of hearing/seeing/reading any of it.

I don't mind audio logs in Borderlands because you can listen to them while cruising around or whatever.

I hate when you have to stop to listen to them in something like Batman when I could be listening to it while gliding to whatever I want to do next.

And the ones with Tannis were soooo good.

[Rufus]

Borderlands 2 doesn't even do tapes well, since there's no way to re-play them. So better stop and listen, lest you trigger comms chatter that cuts them off. 

[benjipwns]

Here's some of the cut stuff from the first game:

[Rahxephon91]

This must be some elaborate joke, trying to prove that reviews can't be objective. It has to be.

[a slime appears]

if i have to read a gaming mock site, i'd rather read play 4 real

Play 4 Real

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits was an awesome blog that did a great job exposing shit journalism but the guy got tired of running it. Also I think he was tired of the vitriolic and overtly aggressive attacks on him from journalists so he called it quits. At the very least the blog exposed what a miserable person Ben Kuchera is.

[Rufus]

This must be some elaborate joke, trying to prove that reviews can't be objective. It has to be.

It is satire, yes.

[magus]

if i have to read a gaming mock site, i'd rather read play 4 real

Play 4 Real

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits was an awesome blog that did a great job exposing shit journalism but the guy got tired of running it. Also I think he was tired of the vitriolic and overtly aggressive attacks on him from journalists so he called it quits. At the very least the blog exposed what a miserable person Ben Kuchera is.

i know a similiar guy that just pass his time posting fuck up from kotaku, like this gem

[a slime appears]

if i have to read a gaming mock site, i'd rather read play 4 real

Play 4 Real

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits was an awesome blog that did a great job exposing shit journalism but the guy got tired of running it. Also I think he was tired of the vitriolic and overtly aggressive attacks on him from journalists so he called it quits. At the very least the blog exposed what a miserable person Ben Kuchera is.

i know a similiar guy that just pass his time posting fuck up from kotaku, like this gem

Magus

This site is awesome, thank you.

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

God damn, Kotaku is fucking garbage.  As are all of the other Gawker sites for that matter.

[Joe Molotov]

I still go to Deadspin sometimes.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And Jezebel

[close]

[Takao]

Objectively speaking, all video games are awful.

[Tasty]

I still go to Deadspin sometimes.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And Jezebel

[close]

Valleywag is stupid, vitriolic fun.