Boredads: What is your friend situation like?

[Groogrux]

My kid is six now.  We have a good time together, but it's just us.  My fiance hangs out with us a few times a week, but I get the feeling that I'm crowding her.

I have come to the realization that I have no friends to hang out with.  The closest guys I know are Bloodwake and Jaybo, and they're not the biggest fans of hanging out with the kiddo too.  It's not their fault, it's just not their style.

So my question is for all the other dads of the Bore:

What is your friend situation like?  Do you have guy friends that aren't "couple" friends?  How did you make those friends?  Do they have kids too?

[Steve Youngblood]

It's certainly not a terribly exciting life we lead. I'd say social outings for us happen maybe once or twice a month. Our group of friends is largely the group we had before the little one was born. We are really the only ones in our main group of friends that have a kid. As such, it's about 50/50 as to whether friends will come to our house (friends without kids understand that this is easier on us) or we are getting a sitter to go out. It's more of the former when the weather is nice, more of the latter when it's not.

[lennedsay]

Boremom reporting. My girl friends have effectively dropped off the planet. Every one of my current girl friends are people I didn't even know or didn't hang out with before baby.

We have a few really close guy friends without kids. They all grew up with my husband. The rest of our friends (from before we had our daughter) either have kids too, or fell off the planet. Or both!

Basically we just keep making new friends, either those with kids or those who don't mind the rugrat tagging along. A lot of our old friends sucked anyway. It's kinda nice honestly.

[Groogrux]

My best friends live three hours away in two different directions.  One of them has a kid and the other gets his kids on the weekends.  They both seem to be very busy, so we don't get to talk nearly as much as we used to. 

My fiance has no kids of her own, and still lives in her own home.  Honestly, she sees no obligation to hang out with me or my kid every night, and I can't blame her.  If we did, it would get old very fast.

However, the situation I find myself in now is trying to find friends in my area who I can hang out that don't want to do single guy/no kids stuff all the time.  I don't drink much anymore, so I'm not looking for a beer buddy.  But, I did have a desperate FB post tonight asking about which of my guy friends were parents and if any of them wanted to chill.  I got a few more responses than I expected, which was nice.

[DCharlieJP]

I don't really see anyone these days - work + 2 kids = no spare time.

All my friends are virtual.

[Mr. Gundam]

My wife and I make an effort to see our friends. We have an open door policy on Friday nights where we all get together and hang out. Some people have kids, some don't. Works well.

We also have a monthly girls night where all the wives go out. Next week we switch and do a guys night.

I still manage to go to beer events and brew days. Things really haven't changed much. I personally see no reason to make friends with people just because they also have kids. I value my friends, and they value us.

[shrug] I know this isn't everyone's experience, but it's mine, and you asked.

[lennedsay]

My best friends live three hours away in two different directions.  One of them has a kid and the other gets his kids on the weekends.  They both seem to be very busy, so we don't get to talk nearly as much as we used to. 

My fiance has no kids of her own, and still lives in her own home.  Honestly, she sees no obligation to hang out with me or my kid every night, and I can't blame her.  If we did, it would get old very fast.

However, the situation I find myself in now is trying to find friends in my area who I can hang out that don't want to do single guy/no kids stuff all the time.  I don't drink much anymore, so I'm not looking for a beer buddy.  But, I did have a desperate FB post tonight asking about which of my guy friends were parents and if any of them wanted to chill.  I got a few more responses than I expected, which was nice.

When are you guys planning on getting married? Is your fiancé going to adjust easily to being around you and your son 24/7? That transition can be hard for anybody so I imagine it's harder when one of you is a parent.

Good call on the FB invite! Make sure you schedule something, even if it's a few weeks out. When you have kids and are busy, it's easy to fall in that, "yea we should totally hang out!" without actually hanging out routine. We've followed through and ended up becoming really close with great people who were only acquaintances before.

We're really bad about just heading out the door (to dinner, the park, where ever) without thinking to invite other people. We live 30 min from most friends and family, so we just assume no one wants to trek it out our way. But we've been pleasantly surprised. Throw that stuff out on FB too.

[chronovore]

Great idea for a thread, Groogrux.

My wife and I make an effort to see our friends. We have an open door policy on Friday nights where we all get together and hang out. Some people have kids, some don't. Works well.

You had mentioned this when we met up in Osaka; I'd forgotten about it, so thanks for the reminder. I think it'll be a great addition to our schedule.

I don't really see anyone these days - work + 2 kids = no spare time.

All my friends are virtual.

I can relate to this.

I have a few new friends in Osaka proper, but I don't get out there a whole lot with as much family stuff as I've been doing. I keep meaning to get up to Tokyo and see you and Mrs. XFE, the crossfit lout Cormacaroni, and a friend unassociated with Tokyopia or TheBore.

One company was trying to get me to contract with them, so it seemed like that would pay for my trip -- but they're dragging their feet. Once I'm more liquid in my assets, I'll meet you up there for other liquid assets. Hell, maybe we can even drag out HotStack for brews?

I talk to my oldest and best friend on Skype just about every weekday while I'm at work.  Haven't hung out with any friends in person since... probably since last August.  I feel guilty if I go somewhere without my wife/son I guess, but I also feel bad subjecting them to 100% English situations, so I end up just doing nothing.

Yeah, Skype is a life-saving addition to my modern lifestyle. When I first arrived in Japan in 1993, it was ¥100/minute for phone calls to America, and ¥90 for a single-sheet pre-weighed sheet of airmail letterhead which folds into its own envelope. Those took 5-9 days to arrive in the USA, and the same again to come back.

Skype and FaceTime and Google Talk are all pretty much as lovely as lovely gets for an expat.

[Groogrux]

My best friends live three hours away in two different directions.  One of them has a kid and the other gets his kids on the weekends.  They both seem to be very busy, so we don't get to talk nearly as much as we used to. 

My fiance has no kids of her own, and still lives in her own home.  Honestly, she sees no obligation to hang out with me or my kid every night, and I can't blame her.  If we did, it would get old very fast.

However, the situation I find myself in now is trying to find friends in my area who I can hang out that don't want to do single guy/no kids stuff all the time.  I don't drink much anymore, so I'm not looking for a beer buddy.  But, I did have a desperate FB post tonight asking about which of my guy friends were parents and if any of them wanted to chill.  I got a few more responses than I expected, which was nice.

When are you guys planning on getting married? Is your fiancé going to adjust easily to being around you and your son 24/7? That transition can be hard for anybody so I imagine it's harder when one of you is a parent.

Good call on the FB invite! Make sure you schedule something, even if it's a few weeks out. When you have kids and are busy, it's easy to fall in that, "yea we should totally hang out!" without actually hanging out routine. We've followed through and ended up becoming really close with great people who were only acquaintances before.

We're really bad about just heading out the door (to dinner, the park, where ever) without thinking to invite other people. We live 30 min from most friends and family, so we just assume no one wants to trek it out our way. But we've been pleasantly surprised. Throw that stuff out on FB too.

The plan is to get married in September.  I don't think it's anything with her not being able to stay with a kid 24/7, because she works at a school.  I honestly think for her it's the whole commitment thing.

Yeah, I had a few people saying they would like to hang out, and I let it slip.  I'll actually do some follow-ups today.

[demi]

Andy is realising the unfortunate reality of the father figure adulthood.

Despite what you may be told

It doesn't get better

[Groogrux]

Andy realized it a long time ago.  He's never talked about it before now.

[demi]

I'll be your friend, Andy. We can even take showers together.

[Mupepe]

None of my friends have kids.  The closest is another couple that we hang out with every couple of weeks.  It's usually just going to the movies or to dinner or something.  Other than that most of my friends are into getting drunk and going out and I'm just not really into that so whatever.  We still talk and stuff, just don't hang out much.

[Phoenix Dark]

This thread has given me a business idea. What if you could rent children for a few hours of parenthood and then return them in time for happy hour. That way you get the joy of being a parent without the long term responsibility which destroys your social life.

Gonna create a Kickstarter right now. Highest stretch goal: teach Andrex how to put on a tie.

[Rufus]

The plan is to get married in September.  I don't think it's anything with her not being able to stay with a kid 24/7, because she works at a school.  I honestly think for her it's the whole commitment thing.

Marriage is a big fucking commitment though... Why bother if you're not gonna live like married people?

[TVC15]

This thread has given me a business idea. What if you could rent children for a few hours of parenthood and then return them in time for happy hour. That way you get the joy of being a parent without the long term responsibility which destroys your social life.

Gonna create a Kickstarter right now. Highest stretch goal: teach Andrex how to put on a tie.

They should do this with pets, too.

[Brehvolution]

I have a few I keep in touch with. I still see all my old high school buddies around xmas time when they come home. Even though we may only have talked once or twice that year, you wouldn't know it. It's like it was back in the day. None of them got married which is kind of weird to me.
My family keeps me too busy for me to catch any feels about not seeing friends.

[Positive Touch]

This thread has given me a business idea. What if you could rent children for a few hours of parenthood and then return them in time for happy hour. That way you get the joy of being a parent without the long term responsibility which destroys your social life.

Gonna create a Kickstarter right now. Highest stretch goal: teach Andrex how to put on a tie.

They should do this with pets, too.

http://asianwiki.com/Rent-a-Cat

[Howard Alan Treesong]

I went ahead and dropped all my loser friends in anticipation of becoming a father. Now they won't see becoming a dad as the reason we're no longer hanging out! Planning ahead.

[chronovore]

This thread has given me a business idea. What if you could rent children for a few hours of parenthood and then return them in time for happy hour. That way you get the joy of being a parent without the long term responsibility which destroys your social life.

Gonna create a Kickstarter right now. Highest stretch goal: teach Andrex how to put on a tie.

Crowdsource fatherhood brehs (Image removed from quote.)

There's actually a pretty good argument for "crowdsourcing" raising kids in general, at least as far as traditional multigenerational homes, or small villages are involved in helping to raise any children in it.

Additionally, there's something to be said for that extended partnership in terms of its effect on the parents. I'm reading Kurt Vonnegut's collection of graduation speeches, "If This Isn't Good, What Is?"  In it, he repeatedly postulates that one of the more important things we have is our community, and that the deterioration of community is one of the reasons why divorce rates have skyrocketed.

Any given person needs many people in their life. Asking a spouse to take the place of a support group of 40 or 50 is not going to go well for anyone.

[lennedsay]

My best friends live three hours away in two different directions.  One of them has a kid and the other gets his kids on the weekends.  They both seem to be very busy, so we don't get to talk nearly as much as we used to. 

My fiance has no kids of her own, and still lives in her own home.  Honestly, she sees no obligation to hang out with me or my kid every night, and I can't blame her.  If we did, it would get old very fast.

However, the situation I find myself in now is trying to find friends in my area who I can hang out that don't want to do single guy/no kids stuff all the time.  I don't drink much anymore, so I'm not looking for a beer buddy.  But, I did have a desperate FB post tonight asking about which of my guy friends were parents and if any of them wanted to chill.  I got a few more responses than I expected, which was nice.

When are you guys planning on getting married? Is your fiancé going to adjust easily to being around you and your son 24/7? That transition can be hard for anybody so I imagine it's harder when one of you is a parent.

Good call on the FB invite! Make sure you schedule something, even if it's a few weeks out. When you have kids and are busy, it's easy to fall in that, "yea we should totally hang out!" without actually hanging out routine. We've followed through and ended up becoming really close with great people who were only acquaintances before.

We're really bad about just heading out the door (to dinner, the park, where ever) without thinking to invite other people. We live 30 min from most friends and family, so we just assume no one wants to trek it out our way. But we've been pleasantly surprised. Throw that stuff out on FB too.

The plan is to get married in September.  I don't think it's anything with her not being able to stay with a kid 24/7, because she works at a school.  I honestly think for her it's the whole commitment thing.

Yeah, I had a few people saying they would like to hang out, and I let it slip.  I'll actually do some follow-ups today.

Getting married in September; nervous about commitment... Dude, nobody would hold it against you if you guys push back the wedding for 6 months or a year or two even. It's a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. I have several friends that will gladly admit "we should've waited awhile before getting married." I remember thinking we dated forever before we got married, and in reality it was barely 2 years and I was only 23 years old. Luckily we get along great but Jesus, it wasn't even long enough to figure out how crazy his family is. Recipe for disaster.

Not trying to get in your business, so I apologize in advance if it comes off that way.

[Van Cruncheon]

what dcharlie said. work, classes, kid = no real free time. when i do get a free moment, i spend it with my wife or riding. man, it's hard to find a reliable babysitter.

[pilonv1]

I went ahead and dropped all my loser friends in anticipation of becoming a father. Now they won't see becoming a dad as the reason we're no longer hanging out! Planning ahead.

I get married in October, I started doing this 10 months ago because weddings are stupidly expensive :'(

[Groogrux]

Getting married in September; nervous about commitment... Dude, nobody would hold it against you if you guys push back the wedding for 6 months or a year or two even. It's a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. I have several friends that will gladly admit "we should've waited awhile before getting married." I remember thinking we dated forever before we got married, and in reality it was barely 2 years and I was only 23 years old. Luckily we get along great but Jesus, it wasn't even long enough to figure out how crazy his family is. Recipe for disaster.

Not trying to get in your business, so I apologize in advance if it comes off that way.

I think a lot of people get nervous about commitment though.  I'm personally not afraid of it because I've been married before and know what it means, but she's never been in a long-term relationship like this and has never been engaged before.  Honestly, I'm glad that we can get this out of the way now instead of the weeks right before the wedding.

If we push it back, I'll understand.  I won't be happy about it though.  It's for selfish reasons though.  I paid off our honeymoon about a month ago...  :'(

[bork]

No kids, but I still rarely see any friends.  It's all work/time at home with the wife/family.  Most of my local friends have moved away and one guy that I used to spend a lot of time with pretty much stopped socializing after getting married.  Now he has two kids so I might see him twice a year.  "Socializing" for me is communicating online and/or playing games with people, and even the latter rarely happens with IRL friends anymore.  There are people at work I have things in common with, but after being with them for 7-8 hours every weekday, I don't really care to meet up with them outside of the job.

[chronovore]

No kids, but I still rarely see any friends.  It's all work/time at home with the wife/family.  Most of my local friends have moved away and one guy that I used to spend a lot of time with pretty much stopped socializing after getting married.  Now he has two kids so I might see him twice a year.  "Socializing" for me is communicating online and/or playing games with people, and even the latter rarely happens with IRL friends anymore.  There are people at work I have things in common with, but after being with them for 7-8 hours every weekday, I don't really care to meet up with them outside of the job.

Wait, when did you have a kid?

[Rufus]

Time for reading glasses, old man.

[Mupepe]

Its the first two words of his post

[Phoenix Dark]

No kids, but I still rarely see any friends.  It's all work/time at home with the wife/family.  Most of my local friends have moved away and one guy that I used to spend a lot of time with pretty much stopped socializing after getting married.  Now he has two kids so I might see him twice a year.  "Socializing" for me is communicating online and/or playing games with people, and even the latter rarely happens with IRL friends anymore.  There are people at work I have things in common with, but after being with them for 7-8 hours every weekday, I don't really care to meet up with them outside of the job.

Wait, when did you have a kid?

[chronovore]

 :deep

In other news, I am actually wearing reading glasses.

LOOK UPON YOUR FUTURE AND WEEP.

[tiesto]

Most of my friends are having kids now and I hardly ever see them anymore... We tend to chill once a month and that's a lot of fun though.

[chronovore]

Also, my Mac autocorrected derp to deep, but I'm going to leave it.

[milchs evil twin]

http://asianwiki.com/Rent-a-Cat

I want this, but for pugs.

On topic, what's your guys living situation like? Seems like city living makes having a social life easier for parents.
But then again, the only parents among my closest friends can just have everyone visit them, since they're the only ones with a kid...

[Human Snorenado]

IIRC, Andy is also getting married before cohabitation, which is just crazy wack IMO, but whatever works I guess. (from the sound of things, it ain't working)

[Mr. Gundam]

http://asianwiki.com/Rent-a-Cat

I want this, but for pugs.

On topic, what's your guys living situation like? Seems like city living makes having a social life easier for parents.
But then again, the only parents among my closest friends can just have everyone visit them, since they're the only ones with a kid...

I'm in the city. Our friends all live within 10 miles of us, which makes things pretty easy. My wife and I are very flexible about taking kiddo with us to other people's homes and/or kid appropriate places (ie. restaurants, parks, breweries, etc.). She's a trooper.

[demi]

Andy's biological clock is worse than a woman's.

[bork]

No kids, but I still rarely see any friends.  It's all work/time at home with the wife/family.  Most of my local friends have moved away and one guy that I used to spend a lot of time with pretty much stopped socializing after getting married.  Now he has two kids so I might see him twice a year.  "Socializing" for me is communicating online and/or playing games with people, and even the latter rarely happens with IRL friends anymore.  There are people at work I have things in common with, but after being with them for 7-8 hours every weekday, I don't really care to meet up with them outside of the job.

Wait, when did you have a kid?

:deep

In other news, I am actually wearing reading glasses.

LOOK UPON YOUR FUTURE AND WEEP.

[Groogrux]

IIRC, Andy is also getting married before cohabitation, which is just crazy wack IMO, but whatever works I guess. (from the sound of things, it ain't working)

Taking a traditional approach to marriage.  The way I see it, more people live together before getting married and more people have sex before marriage than ever before.  Divorce rates are also higher than they've ever been.  Seems to me like the "modern" way of doing things isn't always the best way.

Andy's biological clock is worse than a woman's.

I don't even... 

[Groogrux]

On topic, what's your guys living situation like? Seems like city living makes having a social life easier for parents.
But then again, the only parents among my closest friends can just have everyone visit them, since they're the only ones with a kid...

Yeah, it did seem to be a lot easier to meet up with friends when I was in Louisville.  Now that I'm out in a rural area, it's a little harder because most of my friends have moved to bigger cities or they're all spread out over the country.

[Mr. Gundam]

IIRC, Andy is also getting married before cohabitation, which is just crazy wack IMO, but whatever works I guess. (from the sound of things, it ain't working)

Taking a traditional approach to marriage.  The way I see it, more people live together before getting married and more people have sex before marriage than ever before.  Divorce rates are also higher than they've ever been.  Seems to me like the "modern" way of doing things isn't always the best way.

The traditional way isn't always the best, either. To each their own, but I've always thought the whole compatiblity thing is good to figure out ahead of time. Or at least see how it goes.

[demi]

Ya, its better to show her you're a horrible lay in bed before she is forced to do it with you for the rest of her life.

(This is probably why sex in marriage goes downhill after the fact)

[Rufus]

Besides, people in earlier times didn't exactly stay together longer because they enjoyed each other's company more. Women especially were in a shitty situation when their partner turned out to be an asshole... Whatever works, I guess.

[Human Snorenado]

IIRC, Andy is also getting married before cohabitation, which is just crazy wack IMO, but whatever works I guess. (from the sound of things, it ain't working)

Taking a traditional approach to marriage.  The way I see it, more people live together before getting married and more people have sex before marriage than ever before.  Divorce rates are also higher than they've ever been.  Seems to me like the "modern" way of doing things isn't always the best way.

Point being though, it's not really doing you any good in your current situation. Her being acclimated to your child is something that is only going to get settled with time spent together, and yes, it's entirely possible that you're doing yourself, her, and more importantly your child a disservice by not finding out if everyone is going to be ok with the situation before getting married. You can say whatever you want, but if it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't be here talking about it.

[Fifstar]

Taking a traditional approach to marriage.  The way I see it, more people live together before getting married and more people have sex before marriage than ever before.  Divorce rates are also higher than they've ever been.  Seems to me like the "modern" way of doing things isn't always the best way.

Textbook example of correlation ≠ causation.

Just because you take an take a traditional approach to marriage doesn't mean the same forces that kept couples together traditionally will work for you, you're suspect to modern problems (and possibilities) just like everybody else. You're probably even more likely to run into modern problems with a traditonal approach. Also, like Rufus said, the reasons for people staying together weren't positive most of the time.

[Groogrux]

All very valid points, and I don't disagree with any of them. 

I have personally been in a relationship where we lived together before getting married.  I'm not saying it was bad, but I'm not saying it was good either.  For me, this isn't just about being traditional or modern.  It's a religion thing too.  In my last marriage, our faith was not a big part of our reason to get married.  We liked sex, and at the time we liked having sex with each other.  I wasn't able to see past that at the time.  It took us a full year of being married before we both realized how much we didn't like each other as people.  We mostly stayed together because of the kid.

With this relationship, we're getting to know each other on a personal level and on a spiritual level, and we're not complicating things with sex.  To me, sex before marriage is a product of lust.  That may not be the case for many others, but that's just how I see it.  Keep in mind, that this was close to eight years ago for me since the last serious relationship started, and I've changed a lot since then.  I want sex to come after we know that we love each other and we're fully committed to each other.

Since the whole thing started with giving each other a little more space, the relationship has gotten a lot better.  I think I'll know before the wedding date if this is something that is meant to be or not.  As of right now, I do and always have thought this relationship was built to last though.

[brawndolicious]

Even if you move in together and sleep in the same bed, that doesn't mean you have to have sex. I think if you truly want to remove sexual desire as a potential motivation for a relationship, then you'll be able to control the accidental cuddle-boners in exchange for getting to fully know how you feel spending all day with each other.

[demi]

All very valid points, and I don't disagree with any of them. 

I have personally been in a relationship where we lived together before getting married.  I'm not saying it was bad, but I'm not saying it was good either.  For me, this isn't just about being traditional or modern.  It's a religion thing too.  In my last marriage, our faith was not a big part of our reason to get married.  We liked sex, and at the time we liked having sex with each other.  I wasn't able to see past that at the time.  It took us a full year of being married before we both realized how much we didn't like each other as people.  We mostly stayed together because of the kid.

With this relationship, we're getting to know each other on a personal level and on a spiritual level, and we're not complicating things with sex.  To me, sex before marriage is a product of lust.  That may not be the case for many others, but that's just how I see it.  Keep in mind, that this was close to eight years ago for me since the last serious relationship started, and I've changed a lot since then.  I want sex to come after we know that we love each other and we're fully committed to each other.

Since the whole thing started with giving each other a little more space, the relationship has gotten a lot better.  I think I'll know before the wedding date if this is something that is meant to be or not.  As of right now, I do and always have thought this relationship was built to last though.

Quit drinkin the kool-aid.

 

[brob]

[Brehvolution]

  No sex during marriage isn't an christian thing, it's a fucking moron thing.

[Rufus]

With this relationship, we're getting to know each other on a personal level and on a spiritual level, and we're not complicating things with sex.  To me, sex before marriage is a product of lust.

So lust is inherently bad? Everything you do satisfies some sort of need, but sticking your dick in a wet tube of muscle is below you? I mean, congratulations if you can make that work, but I obviously don't get it at all.

[demi]

Lol, eat a raw potato?

[brob]

raw potatoes for a double holy marriage

[Rufus]

Aren't raw potatoes poisonous?

[chronovore]

I'm kind of happy they're not even having reproductive sex, because think of what a fucked up set of values they'd try and instill in their kids.

[Groogrux]

With this relationship, we're getting to know each other on a personal level and on a spiritual level, and we're not complicating things with sex.  To me, sex before marriage is a product of lust.

So lust is inherently bad? Everything you do satisfies some sort of need, but sticking your dick in a wet tube of muscle is below you? I mean, congratulations if you can make that work, but I obviously don't get it at all.

Lust by itself in my belief is bad.  Lust is an emotion based off of physical attraction, and nothing more.  Having physical attraction towards someone you love, and more importantly love more than you lust after, is not a bad thing though.

[Steve Contra]

The fuck is Groogrux on

[Human Snorenado]

The fuck is Groogrux on

Christian guilt, I guess.

[Positive Touch]

that Midwestern Christian love

[chronovore]

For what it's worth, part of the problem for me -- and possibly others in Japanbore -- is living in Japan. I made three people I consider pretty good friends in 11 years at my job, whereas when I worked in the USA for 7 months in 2012, I made a dozen new friends with whom I am in better contact than the 3 Japanese friends.

I have made a few other friends here outside of work, one of whom is like a sister to me, but she's another expat (UK) and most of our time hanging out is getting our families all together, not much "bro time."

It's just hard to get close to people here in Japan.

[demi]

The fuck is Groogrux on

Christian guilt, I guess.

Based off his Facebook, its probably this. Jesus already knows all the things you did, bro. He saw everything...