I had clearly been reading some Huysmans. This is untouched. I apologize for the terribleness, but I thought it was enough of a curiosity to post:
Upon reading too many articles on Wikipedia on subjects that he was not ready to handle, our “hero” Arvie decides that the modern age of the world is the one that he would most like to freeze in time, and he logically decides that if freezing the age, he must too freeze his own age, as not to air by preserving an era tied to the passing fancies associated with growing up.
Filled with the Spirit of Des Esseintes, modern consumerism, and Emile Zola, the death of the ones closest to him encourages him to gather all the worldly things he loves, and barricade himself in his isolated cottage in the wilds of Newfoundland.
Crates of the finest consumables of our age, the ones preferred bysexy drunk childrens, are brought in by the truckload. Ramen, Chef Boyardee, Carlo Rossi wine, Olde English, the most delectable easily-appreciated sorts of tasty poisons. Along with the food, the pleasures of the age are brought in as well, in quantities large enough to prepare our Boy-Prince to remain alone and isolated forever, in a world devised by his own “nature,” a paradise that he can always appreciate. Cravats and DVDs filled with (dubbed) Naruto episodes. Fleshlights with the most modern attachments. Pornography filmed in every corner on earth, in every corner of the body.
With enough foresight to know that he must preserve his age if he is to forever love his banal paradise, Boy-Prince Arvie makes the difficult decision to eliminate any further information from entering his retreat. There would be no daily papers. No internet. Only books he has already read. Anything that could give him new ideas must eliminated. In his paradise, there could be no change. Stagnation is essential for any measurable paradise; one of Arvie’s smarter friends on a message board once told him that. His one lifeline to the outside world is a printed out copy of some Wikipedia pages with pictures, circa 2007.
Knowing that being cut off from the outside world might eventually make survival difficult, he decides that some of nature needed to be in his house with him. Arvie brought in a couple of squirrels and bushes, knowing that a means of producing food was necessary and that encountering nature regularly is important in being able to appreciate the artificialities to life.
Things begin well. It was pornography and ramen for days on end. As the months racked up, fleshlights had been worn out or become completely unsanitary, and squirrels had been befouled in the most worrying ways. Without the ability to obtain new clothes, nor mend his old clothing, Arvie wore nothing but a single cravat, and a strategically placed squirrel skin, the hide of the first animal he fucked to death.
Malnutrition lead to Arvie ballooning in weight, and it is not too long before all the furniture in the house was either soiled with urine and feces or bent completely out of shape into positions that would cause the opposite of comfort. In a frightful episode in the summer, dysentery caused an obese Boy-Prince to completely annihilate the toilet in his last tolerable bathroom, a water balloon of unintentional porcelain sodomy and feces flooding the room.
The bent up furniture meant Arvie shuffled around like a hunched crippler. A nightmare episode on his bed, springs punching through, had him envisioning himself being set upon a bed of pins by the Inquisition. Sores cover his bottom, and hair everything else, but Arvie continued to fight on, knowing that return to the real world was no longer possible--this was his only world now. He would be laughed to death by his peers, by society. He continued soldiering on in his rotting “paradise.”
Things went from grim to grimmer. As winter came on, Arvie found that he had filled everything in the house with shit. Once that toilet had broken he sought out unorthodox solutions. In December, he went to turn on the stove for heat discovering, odorously, that he had filled the stove with elimination some months back. Arvie had to make the painful decision, choosing between his pride, his paradise, or cooking an oven of shit.
In the end, Arvie broke down his front door, wearing nothing but a cravat and a black, cassock-like sheet. He walked up to a nearby highway exit, onto an overpass, and huns himself from it with his cassock, naked for all the world to see. Because we are all metaphorically naked beneath our cassocks As anyone that has read reports of hangings knows, the last thing a hanging man does before he dies is orgasm. Or maybe shits. I forget. Either way, Arvie orgasms and/or shat onto the overpass below, just happening to hit the vehicle of the ONE WOMAN that could have ever loved him. She was very fat. If he had instead waited a few moments on the overpass and waved at cars, he would have found the one true love of his life, and his past misadventure would have been forgotten. But instead he died because he was DUMB.
