I won't bother with a flowery intro; let's just get right down to this.
Ted Cruz
Biggest f*cking douchebag in Congress right now. Put a hold on all executive nominees last week because the FAA tried to prevent any American passenger aircraft from getting blown up at Tel Aviv airport. Led the effort to shut down the government last fall to prevent Obamacare from being implemented, costing the country at least $25 billion. Allegedly a debate team prodigy in his younger days. Generally a complete tool by any conceivable metric.
Ted Nugent
Wrote some goddamn awesome guitar parts. Pissed and shit his pants for weeks to get out of fighting in Vietnam. Says some of the most vile, hateful things imaginable on a regular basis.
Kobe Bryant
Will retire as one of the top 15 NBA players of all time. Has been a complete asshole to almost all of his teammates at one point or another. After talking virtually his entire career about how nothing was more important to him than winning, took a salary cap destroying contract that pays him more than Durant, LeBron, or any other player in the league at age 36 and probably prevented the Lakers from being able to put together a free agency coup to give him an actual shot at winning.
Mitch McConnell
Has almost single-handedly prevented the U.S. Senate from being a functioning institution over the past six years. Looks like a sea turtle. Could possibly lose his reelection race this fall, which would give me more joy than anything since the Lakers last won the NBA title in 2010.
The Business
God-tier fitness, fashion, and gentlemanly advice. Easily the best looking cac on the forum (no PD). Insults the fuck out of everyone on a regular basis.
Bill Simmons
Has written unfunny sports columns that inexplicably get massive readership for the better part of two decades. Uses the stupidest and most long-winded anecdotes ever. Sounds like an 8th grader. Would probably defeat any human being alive in trivia if the three categories were sports, movies and Boston.
