Author Topic: what's the BEST lie you've ever told? (Read 2299 times)

Eel O'Brian · « **on:** August 30, 2014, 11:02:41 PM »

"I don't know what the problem is, I really don't know anything about computers."

"My truck's having some problems, so I don't think I can help you move this weekend."

"I'm not really hungry, maybe we should go out for drinks instead of dinner?"

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #1 on:** August 30, 2014, 11:04:13 PM »

"I don't know why you're down here serving drinks, you're just as pretty as any of the strippers on stage."

nudemacusers · « **Reply #2 on:** August 30, 2014, 11:09:49 PM »

"until death do us part"

spoiler (click to show/hide)

jk honey ilu

[close]

nudemacusers · « **Reply #3 on:** August 30, 2014, 11:13:59 PM »

oh yeah telling strippers you've never had a lapdance before and acting like an awkward doof is a good way to make them work extra hard for the extra tip they aren't getting.

so i've heard.

I'm a Puppy! · « **Reply #4 on:** August 30, 2014, 11:38:03 PM »

One time in Tomodachi Life someone asked me if I thought the and another islander were a good match and I said "yes", but I didn't think they were.
They totally had no clue!

seagrams hotsauce · « **Reply #5 on:** August 31, 2014, 12:25:09 AM »

I can't think of any lies I've told that I've directly benefitted from, but I can think of the most gratifying one I've ever told. About a year after Michael Jackson died, a friend of a friend made a sleeping pill crack about Michael Jacksons death, and I deadpanned "Wait, what? Michael Jackson's dead?" She didn't get that I was joking, and was like "What?!? How didn't you hear about that?" so I just kinda ran with it for a while. I kept making increasingly more boneheaded-yet-obscure inquiries ("Wait, Janet's little brother? The guy from that Moonwalker game? The dude who did that song for the movie Ben?!") until I couldn't hold up the ruse anymore and cracked.

Shaka Khan · « **Reply #6 on:** August 31, 2014, 12:46:08 AM »

"Hahahaha"

hampster · « **Reply #7 on:** August 31, 2014, 12:57:24 AM »

"I don't really play video games"

Kara · « **Reply #8 on:** August 31, 2014, 01:02:26 AM »

Not really a lie I guess, but I was on a vacation I didn't pay for with someone and while they were in the shower they got a text from their actual partner saying they loved and missed the person I was with too. Didn't bring that up for the rest of the trip or even when I dumped them 3 or 4 weeks later for an unrelated reason.

Mr. Nobody · « **Reply #9 on:** August 31, 2014, 01:31:00 AM »

"Only enter if you are 18+"

"ok"

Atramental · « **Reply #10 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:01:56 AM »

"Sorry. I have other obligations that day."

"Trust me. I know what I'm doing." :lenowned

"I'm not a virgin."

"I am a virgin."

"Why yes, this task did take me 50 hours to complete." (Nah, just 10 hours thanks to some pre-made assets I found.)

fistfulofmetal · « **Reply #11 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:10:41 AM »

Quote from: Esch on August 30, 2014, 11:12:49 PM

'Best I've ever had'

wait.....

fistfulofmetal · « **Reply #12 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:12:46 AM »

nah fuck that, i know it wasn't a lie

Atramental · « **Reply #13 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:15:04 AM »

Are you lying to yourself right now?

Momo · « **Reply #14 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:18:41 AM »

Yes, your butt does look big in those jeans

fistfulofmetal · « **Reply #15 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:19:20 AM »

Quote from: Atramental on August 31, 2014, 02:15:04 AM

Are you lying to yourself right now?

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #16 on:** August 31, 2014, 02:26:38 AM »

"I didn't know you had a kid. Oh no problem, I like kids."

"Thanks for the invite but July is a crazy time for me. That's tax season...sooo. Oh, October? That's tax season too."

"Honestly I wouldn't even call it a speech impediment. You actually sound like you're from Australia."

"Nah, I've never heard that song/heard of that movie/heard of that show/heard of that rapper/etc"

"From a black guy perspective and from a regular person perspective...you aren't fat, come on."

"Actually he was at my house yesterday"

"Actually I saw him at Joe's house last night"

"I don't use twitter"

"No, my boss isn't Jewish"

Mr. Nobody · « **Reply #17 on:** August 31, 2014, 11:17:13 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on August 31, 2014, 02:26:38 AM

"From a black guy perspective and from a regular person perspective...you aren't fat, come on."

"Nah, you're just thick, that's all"

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #18 on:** August 31, 2014, 11:33:20 AM »

"I kind of like girls with some curves, anyway"

(not exactly untrue, but I have had sex with lots of larger women lately as I've tossed my standards out the window)

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #19 on:** August 31, 2014, 12:53:32 PM »

Quote from: Mr. Nobody on August 31, 2014, 11:17:13 AM

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on August 31, 2014, 02:26:38 AM
"From a black guy perspective and from a regular person perspective...you aren't fat, come on."

"Nah, you're just thick, that's all"

Breh some girls can't even take that, they think it's an underhanded insult. I even know a black girl like this btw; usually black chicks know exactly what "thick" means and like being within that range, but then you have some that automatically assume it's a nicer way of saying fat.

But in this particular case it was a white chick. If she had curves she might have qualified as thick...but she was pretty much the shape of a barrel. She has since lost the weight though, well most of it. Which is why I lie to fat girls. Gotta keep em on the roster, or put them on the practice squad at least because when they're ready to start...oh boy

lennedsay · « **Reply #20 on:** August 31, 2014, 03:32:37 PM »

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

jakefromstatefarm · « **Reply #21 on:** August 31, 2014, 03:37:11 PM »

Quote from: lennedsay on August 31, 2014, 03:32:37 PM

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

"Actually, I'm gay."

Shaka Khan · « **Reply #22 on:** August 31, 2014, 03:51:02 PM »

"From a black guy's perspective" is something I'm gonna use frequently from on. It'll go well with Ali G's "is it because I is black?"

Kara · « **Reply #23 on:** August 31, 2014, 04:27:37 PM »

Quote from: Human Snorenado on August 31, 2014, 11:33:20 AM

I have had sex with lots of larger women lately as I've tossed my standards out the window

The dessicating of mores.

Kara · « **Reply #24 on:** August 31, 2014, 05:05:19 PM »

Also my goyim friends, when you find yourself at a loss for how to delicately describe a woman's physique might I recommend zaftig in the future.

Be sure to say the g like it's a k so the shiksas can't Google and find out you called them thick.

And if they ask what it means, just say "cute."

Rufus · « **Reply #25 on:** August 31, 2014, 05:09:51 PM »

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #26 on:** August 31, 2014, 08:32:16 PM »

what eel said: "yeah, i work for ms, but not in computers. no idea what's wrong with your computer thingie"

nudemacusers · « **Reply #27 on:** August 31, 2014, 08:35:42 PM »

i feel that one of the reasons I uses Macs at home is so I can more believably lie about computers when confronted.

"Oh you need help installing rams and configuring your network? sorry i use apples".

Mupepe · « **Reply #28 on:** August 31, 2014, 09:28:31 PM »

"she's just a friend."

nudemacusers · « **Reply #29 on:** August 31, 2014, 09:30:19 PM »

as of right now

"Huh, what's this about naked pictures of female celebrities, dear? First I've heard of it. How terrible".

t-minus two hours until getting laid for being a good person

Mupepe · « **Reply #30 on:** August 31, 2014, 09:32:32 PM »

My wife keeps asking if new ones have leaked yet. We wanna see kaley cuoco

nudemacusers · « **Reply #31 on:** August 31, 2014, 09:33:58 PM »

i'm pretty sure she's looking at them right now. it's actually probably a fairly nice confidence boost for most chicks considering these women look good but not glitzed up

Mupepe · « **Reply #32 on:** August 31, 2014, 09:40:54 PM »

Selena Gomez looks like da bomb nude too DA BOMB I SAY

Kara · « **Reply #33 on:** August 31, 2014, 10:06:38 PM »

Quote from: Oscar the Grouch on August 31, 2014, 09:22:16 PM

"Je ne peux pas parler l'anglais."

One of the most useful sentences in my life.

Not in rural Quebec.

ToxicAdam · « **Reply #34 on:** August 31, 2014, 11:44:04 PM »

I 'liked' a post from Squiddy.

Kara · « **Reply #35 on:** September 01, 2014, 12:18:30 AM »

I actually had a lot of fun there tbh. Only hearing English during CFL broadcasts and when I spoke with the person I went with.

Though I still don't understand why I saw the word atelier so much. I thought it meant like a workbench.

chronovore · « **Reply #36 on:** September 01, 2014, 12:46:55 AM »

"Sure, I'll call you."

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #37 on:** September 02, 2014, 12:13:52 PM »

"I've heard of Reddit but never used it, seems too complicated to me."

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #38 on:** September 02, 2014, 12:29:39 PM »

Quote from: Esch on September 02, 2014, 12:16:37 PM

"Sure, I'll check it out. "

This is definitely a Top 5 lie for black/brown people, given the sheer amount of crazy conspiracy stuff we're handed out of the blue. Mainly by family members.

"Valerie Jarret is Qassem Suleimani's plant inside the US administration, and BOTH are Israeli agents? Sure I'll check it out..."

bork · « **Reply #39 on:** September 02, 2014, 12:38:40 PM »

Quote from: Eel O'Brian on August 30, 2014, 11:02:41 PM

"I don't know what the problem is, I really don't know anything about computers."

Incredibly useful, but also fails when the conversation starts off with "[SO-AND-SO] TOLD ME THAT YOU WORK AT A HELP DESK." :'(

Fortunately, responding with "Sure, will be glad to take a look- I charge $60 an hour" works great. Used that on an annoying aunt once.

Momo · « **Reply #40 on:** September 02, 2014, 12:45:50 PM »

Quote from: Mupepe on August 31, 2014, 09:28:31 PM

"she's just a friend."

Momo · « **Reply #41 on:** September 02, 2014, 12:51:59 PM »

"I'm sorry, I'm swamped at the moment, please book a meeting for later" :- Continues to post on the bore in full view of requester
"I cant help you, I have no idea how to fix your iPhone .. oh Android? they all look the same to me!"
"I dont think I'll make it Saturday, have to work

" :- ditches friends. meets girl
"I dont like people touching me" :- Lets every girl I find mildly attractive touch me

tehjaybo · « **Reply #42 on:** September 02, 2014, 05:50:13 PM »

When I was in high school I made a girl think I was British for a couple months.

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Author Topic: what's the BEST lie you've ever told? (Read 2299 times)