Well you guys were right, I was wrong (again)

[Eel O'Brian]

It's not that we don't get it. You didn't tell us any of this pertinent information. Anyhow, that's the end of my input.

[Bebpo]

Yeah, sorry I didn't let you guys know that her parents and friends have all dumped everything on me because she's become dependent on me and it's makes things a lot tougher to get out of.

My family wants me to get out of the whole mess.  They were supportive and cool with our relationship even with all of her cutting herself and stuff because it was understandable how she could be driven to that given her pain situation.  But now, with all this stuff going on they just want me to get out.  But they know it's not a quick and easy thing and their advice is for me to move out and move in with my parents if she won't leave and her parents won't take her.


I want everyone here to understand that I'm not trying to work with her parents and get the situation to the next step because I'm in love with her or can't emotionally break away.  I'm trying to get out, it's just not easy.

[ToxicAdam]

There's no price tag on your own mental sanity. Take your shit and move out. Leave her stuff there and you keep paying until the lease is done. Seems fair to me.

[Van Cruncheon]

your fam is right.

and you are right: it's not easy, and it is all-too-convenient for us here on the internets to dish out the real talk. :-( but many of us HAVE been in your shoes in our own capacities, and we bear the scars, AND we're giving you the same counsel our wiser, more honest friends gave us -- or, in my case, wish they'd given instead of just validating awful decisions. we're here and healthy now because we learned from others' experiences, just as we share ours now.

you won't escape this untarred as a villain. but the next time, it will be even worse, so just accept the pain and tell her family to deal with it.

[Van Cruncheon]

does she have a job? how does she pay half the mortgage/utilities?

[Bebpo]

Don't worry, I appreciate all the advise.  Just sometimes it can be hard when it sounds good on paper but in reality it's not so simple and easy.

She has no job and her parents pay for everything.  They were like "she won't want to move home with us." and I'm like she doesn't have a choice if you don't give her money to pay for an apartment.  They say it's because they think she'll run off and sleep in her car or crash at strangers houses, but the feeling I got from her parent's looks each time I pushed on her leaving was that they just didn't want her.  She's always had bad relations with her parents and they always thought of her as the "fucked up" child and beat her and shit growing up.  They don't want her back in their life, but they don't have a choice. 

I just need an address tbh and I can arrange all her stuff moved out and box everything.  I guess if worst comes to worst I could ship it to their house and they either take it or it goes in the driveway.

There's no price tag on your own mental sanity. Take your shit and move out. Leave her stuff there and you keep paying until the lease is done. Seems fair to me.

I own the place

[Bebpo]

Also we're supposed to meet with a social worker tomorrow.  I'm hoping if I bring up that I'm kicking her out because it's better for both of us, at the social worker round table they'll help find a way for her to have a place to stay.

[Kara]

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Regardless, her family and her are trying to hold out on a dream that will never materialize and in the long-run you'll be doing them all a favor in making her find a new one. God help us all if she does get into law enforcement.

[Van Cruncheon]

tangentially, and addressing the air at large: NEVER date a chick that doesn't have a job. man, i wish i'd had that advice at age, i dunno, 18

[Freyj]

Move her stuff to their driveway if you have to, but don't let her parents or anyone else guilt / pressure you to do anything you aren't legally required to do.

As stated above, play the villain and exit / move / return money as quickly as possible. Everyone, but most importantly you, will be better off for it in time.

[Bebpo]

I'm still just really pissed the most from this whole thing that SHE's finally at a hospital with supervision and doctors for a few days, but instead of cooperating and trying to get help all her and her parents care about is getting her out of there asap so that nothing will have been gained from this at all.  Her parents are so fear driven from having relatives locked away in mental hospitals that they're going to take her away and lock her up for good if they don't get her out.  And so that takes priority over actually helping her get pointed in a better direction.

It's like no one is learning anything from this and that's far beyond the last straw because if people don't learn anything and don't try to change anything, everything will just end up in the same place again and I'm not going through this again.

[Positive Touch]

glad to see youre working on that escape plan bebs

[Van Cruncheon]

they woulda been your in-laws. 

[Atramental]

Yeah... don't worry about them not learning anything from this mess.

That's their problem now. Not yours.   

[DCharlieJP]

NEVER date a chick that doesn't have a job

Tattooing this onto both my son's peckers and yes - it's one of the few things i was big on when i got beyond 18.

Infact, even the people i dated from 16 onwards all had part-time jobs.

Not having to have those money chats with my wife/previous fiancee though because they were earning wages in the same bracket (or above)? So awesome.


As for the Bebpo situation - i haven't caught up yet, i am out of the loop. Is there a twitter style summary?

[Howard Alan Treesong]

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS NOW.
Pack up her stuff into a POD or something and ship it to her parents' house.
Write her a check for the rent and include it with her stuff.
Don't talk to her. Don't talk to her friends. Don't talk to her parents. You need to leave.
You need to consider the very real possibility that if this escalates further she may do something very stupid like try to get you disbarred or worse.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

This is not about your feelings. This is about your future. You need to protect yourself personally and professionally and you need to CUT ALL TIES NOW.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

Also what kind of 'suicidal' person is worried about you ruining her life and career prospects. Think about it.

[Phoenix Dark]

Also what kind of 'suicidal' person is worried about you ruining her life and career prospects. Think about it.

This.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

ALSO, 5150 or not, do you really think she's going to pass the psych eval? That excuse is as looney toons as the rest of this story.

[Kara]

.......they're not hard to pass as long as you know how to tactically lie.

>_> <_< >_>

[Bebpo]

Also what kind of 'suicidal' person is worried about you ruining her life and career prospects. Think about it.

This.

I've brought this exact line of logic up before with her.  It's like she's bipolar.  When in PAIN she's suicidal, given up on life.  When she's not in pain she's career driven and wanting to be happy.

A good example is she signed up for classes.  Went to them and the pain was so bad (had to excuse herself 6 times, take a bunch of advil, keep pinching her arm to distract her from her back & neck pain) that she got despair and dropped her classes.  Then had a good day and got optimistic and added them back and then 2 days later got in bad pain & suicidal and dropped them all again. 

Anyhow, it's not my problem anymore.

[Bebpo]

Also while shipping stuff is a good plan, can't ship furniture that I can't even lift.  So would need movers and not sure if they'll just leave stuff in a driveway of some address.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

If you are worried about that, evict her first and figure out where and how to ship the furniture later.

[Phoenix Dark]

ALSO, 5150 or not, do you really think she's going to pass the psych eval? That excuse is as looney toons as the rest of this story.

Indeed; this isn't Homeland. Best believe they'll quickly find out how many times she visited a doctor, received Vicodin, the psych ward visit earlier this summer, etc. There's no chance at her getting that type of job regardless of what you tell the doctors. Let's be real here.

[Great Rumbler]

Get 2 Men and a Truck out to your place to pack up all her stuff and ship it to a storage facility. Give her parents the key.

[Bebpo]

Get 2 Men and a Truck out to your place to pack up all her stuff and ship it to a storage facility. Give her parents the key.

This is actually a really good idea. 

[benjipwns]

She asked me to not use the word suicide/suicidal because they can keep her longer and she can't get her 51/50 revoked because she really really wants to be in law enforcement and it's been her dream but someone whose been involuntarily committed can never own a gun legally and thus cannot enter the law enforcement field.

Furgeson PD just called, they have an opening.

[lennedsay]

Jesus, fuck. Her parents created this mess when they were piece of shit parents. Guess who gets to deal with it now?!

Yes, hire 2 Men and a Truck. Or better yet, just pack up her personal belongings and write her a check for her part of the mortgage + fair market value of the furniture. It's not like its heirloom furniture that isn't replaceable for her, and if she's moving into her parents house, she won't need furniture right away anyway. Then you can sell it off or keep it or whatever. Might be cheaper than hiring a moving company and storing it until god knows when her parents will deal with it.

And its not your mutual friends' place to have to understand your decisions. And you don't owe them an explanation. No matter what, you're going to look like the bad guy eventually. Might as well own it now.

[chronovore]

Bebsy, just take another look at the thread title YOU CHOSE to start this thread with. Somewhere inside you, you know how this is going to shake out, but you're still defending and denying.

You're saying it's not going to be your problem anymore, but you're also saying it's not so easy to turn on a dime, get someone out of your life... but you know better. These are just choices you make, or choices you default on by not choosing. You've got a long life ahead of you still, and you can either cut and run (RUN, dude. Run.) or you can hang out and still be associated with this and have it affecting your life.

You've got a choice to be done or not, and it's all on you. It's not on her, her family, your mutual friends, or even your family telling you to get out, or The Bore and all our advice. It's just you, only you, as it ever has been.

[nudemacusers]

ehhh the more i read of this the more it looks like you're being very plainly manipulated and emotionally abused by her. I'm gonna have to amend my original 'be there as a friend' to 'don't be there at all.. for now'.  you need to drop contact until she gets her shit sorted, and probably 100% drop contact period.

[pilonv1]

Not going to add anything more because it's all been said. Look after yourself first.

[a slime appears]

Bebpo, you created this mess and only you can get yourself out of it. I wish you the best of luck.

[hampster]

I'm sorry Bebpo Sounds like you are (hopefully) on your way out of this mess so I hope everything works out. I'm sure looking back you'll realize all the stuff you could have done better but don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn and move on.

[Yeti]

Before shipping her stuff off to a storage facility, make sure to research the eviction laws for your state, and follow through with a formal eviction process. Start it ASAP because you have to give people time to leave, usually a few weeks, or they can sue you.

[bork]

Bebpo, please don't let her parents manipulate you into making this your problem.

[Himu]

The medical system she also refused to seek alternative means of treatment for.

[Steve Contra]

That doesn't not make her an addict, and it doesn't make her behavior any less destructive.  Bebpo hopefully realizes now that that she needs help that he can't provide, and she needs the help without him being any part of her life.

[Mr. Gundam]

Honestly, I feel like you guys are belitting the pain/opiate thing too much.

She wasn't taking 6 vicodins a day because she's an Amir0x; she was taking 6 vicodins a day because she's in severe, chronic pain that multiple doctors have been unwilling to take seriously.

This girl was done very poorly by the medical system, that's for sure.

They're probably "unwilling to take it seriously" because of her behavior fitting the pattern of an addict. I've got friend with fibro and RA who gets the same run around from pain specialists, and she's not addicted.

[Steve Contra]

Getting good comprehensive pain care that covers everything and is willing to try several alternatives is also prohibitively expensive for just about everyone.  And is Himu going on about medical Marijuana again

[Mr. Gundam]

My friend is totally off pain meds; yoga and acupuncture works wonders for her.

[bork]

Cannot even begin to say how much yoga can help with pain.

[Himu]

Getting good comprehensive pain care that covers everything and is willing to try several alternatives is also prohibitively expensive for just about everyone.  And is Himu going on about medical Marijuana again

No. My dad is a physical therapist, and there's so many things she can do like yoga or go through pt sessions. Instead she just wants opiates. and let's be honest, so far money doesn't seem like a problem for her.

[Himu]

That's why I'm suggesting mmj. If she's going to take a drug, take mmj.

it seems there's so many things she can be doing, that she's not doing. she just wants opiates. if she wants drugs, take mmj.

[Phoenix Dark]

Hasn't...it already been established that medical weed isn't doing shit for her?

She may be addicted to vicodin now but that doesn't mean she didn't need it at one point, or still needs it. Some of the stuff Bepbo posts make it sound like she isn't faking, but at the same time other posts raise red flags. I've worked at a hospital and dental office, and you quickly learn how to sniff out abusers. Yet I'm kinda stumped here...

[Mr. Gundam]

Honestly, I feel like you guys are belitting the pain/opiate thing too much.

She wasn't taking 6 vicodins a day because she's an Amir0x; she was taking 6 vicodins a day because she's in severe, chronic pain that multiple doctors have been unwilling to take seriously.

This girl was done very poorly by the medical system, that's for sure.

They're probably "unwilling to take it seriously" because of her behavior fitting the pattern of an addict. I've got friend with fibro and RA who gets the same run around from pain specialists, and she's not addicted.

A system that prioritizes foiling addicts over treating serious pain is a pretty shit system, tbh.

It may be, but thank the people who game the system. And based on the information Bebs has provided us in this thread and in the past, it sounds like she's been gaming the system for a long time.

[Steve Contra]

The logical course of action is rehab with physical therapy at the same time.  Weaning people off painkillers is...

[Steve Contra]

Most treatment now is suboxone.  Opiate addiction is crazy difficult to break, and can lead to just worse and worse problems if done incorrectly.

[CatsCatsCats]

She should at least *try* transdermal thc + cbd patches doe.

I just hope there's some resolution for you on this, Bebs.

[Huff]

Most docs, unless pain specialists, don't understand chronic pain very well. And none of our drugs are that useful especially when there's not an obvious cause of the pain

[CatsCatsCats]

Tell him to try mushies. Seriously. Lots documented info that they're basically a miracle cure for cluster headaches.

[Huff]

Lol

[CatsCatsCats]

You laugh, but it seriously could save someone's life. (From their self)

http://reset.me/personal-story/psilocybin-mushrooms-stopped-cluster-headaches/

[lennedsay]

Trust me, I get she's in pain. I have daily migraines and am in pain 24/7 from fibromyalgia. I can count on one hand how many pills I've taken in the last month, maybe 3 months, maybe even longer. I feel better when I take no meds and eat as cleanly as possible, and when I do my best to avoid dwelling about the pain and stay positive. As soon as I start getting depressed, I feel worse.

I watched my mom spiral downhill once she got on meds and is still on so many pills its scary. No thanks. I got on meds once, gained 10 lbs in a week and did nothing but sleep and couldn't work. And was still in pain, more pain than before. I'd rather pay a hippy chiropractor who may or may not even be effective, because I feel better than when I leave the doctors office.