How do you feel about your real life friends?

[PlayDat]

Can anyone here say they’re completely satisfied with their circle of friends?  At several points in my life I’ve taken a hard look at the people I spend the most time with and ended up deciding I needed a change.  I’m halfway through college now and still don’t have a group of people who I know I’d enjoy spending time with if I asked them what they were up to on a Friday night. 

By the end of my freshman year I was hanging out frequently with a few people who shared my major but they had a lot of bad habits that started to rub off on me.  They were lazy, liked to cheat on assignments, and generally weren’t a very sociable set of folks.  They never went to parties or showed much interest in pursuing women/men.  They could also be extremely immature at times.  There was a day after class when I was the only person not laughing after one guy called our professor a “taco bitch,” and I instantly knew I had to distance myself from these people. 

At the start of my sophomore year I joined a club on campus that I ended meeting lot of people in.  The club ballooned in size the semester I joined for some reason.  I like the community service focus the club has since I do get a lot of personal fulfillment from giving back, but it’s difficult for me to call most of these people my real friends.  There was one person who I became very close with but she’s already graduated.  Aside from that there’s no one in this thing I feel particularly attached to.  I do get excited when I know certain people will be at the same club related event that I’ll be going to, but today was my first time hanging out with a bunch of them in the two weeks I’ve been back and I’m not sure I’d do it again.  The group dynamic when I’m with most of the people in this club feels so strange.  They’ve never not been friendly, but sometimes the way they act seems like some sort of competition for attention from as many people as possible.  I doubt anyone is doing this intentionally, and maybe I’m the only person who senses it, but I just don’t feel completely comfortable around a lot of these people. 

The other group I spend the most time with are people who I mostly know because of our ethnic background.  Black and Hispanic students are dramatically underrepresented when compared to their percentage of the national population.  Some of them take great pains to socialize with and build a support network of sorts with people who look like they do.  I understand the need for this kind of thing but can still count on one hand the number of black friends I have here.  When I hang out with groups of other black people I’m reminded of how few aspects of black culture I identify with.

This year I’m looking at fraternities.  Even if I do make it into one, I’m worried that the prevailing frat bro stereotype has some truth to it.  At the very least I’d be going to more parties which is something my life is lacking right now. 

Other people who’ve been here just as long as me joined clubs as freshmen that they’re now presidents of.  They’ve made friends who they fly out to the Caribbean with for Spring Break (this kind of thing would be prohibitively expensive for me, but still).  I’m a junior and I have yet to find any subcommunity here that I’d like to integrate myself within that deeply.  The next two semesters will be really interesting with most of my friends going abroad in the spring and my own semester abroad taking place next fall. 

Any Boreans find themselves drifting from one set of friends to the other?  Is this normal? Do you ever finally settle in with people you like?  I'd imagine things get much harder post-college.

[G The Resurrected]

I have no friends

[I'm a Puppy!]

I lost a lot of friends when I left the church. But the friends I do have are great but we're all over the country and seldom get to be together and I travel too much to really make any new friends in my current area

[recursivelyenumerable]

8.2/10

[Human Snorenado]

I left Atlanta about seven years ago, moved back earlier this summer and with my really close friends it has sorta been like we didn't miss a beat. Some people we've drifted apart as far as interests or whatever goes over the years so there's some distance there, but overall I have a really great inner circle of friends that I love more than the shitty half of my family. (that may sound harsh, but well I have a really shitty half of my family)

[StealthFan]

I only have two friends, and the second on is kinda superflous (we're roomates, which means the second I move I'll never talk to him again).

[Himu]

let's just say my transition is the loneliest I've ever been in my life. Those friends who said they'd support you? 95% really don't. Oh hey, I'll show you how to put on make up. Doesn't happen and distances herself asap. Oh hey, you're invited to our wedding. Haven't gotten the invitation in the mail. it has made me a very jaded, cynical - sometimes hateful, extremely angry - person, and I usually try to be positive and upbeat. I try to see the best in people, but no one is doing the same to me in return, and it's very hurtful. Most of my long time friends have revealed to be snakes, sometimes rats. The main exception to that being Mupepe. the people I've gotten on the best with recently are people I've known for less than a year, and usually trans as well. Even still, I feel like I don't have a single meaningful relationship in my life and consider myself damaged goods at this point. I wish there were someone's shoulder for me to cry on, but there's no one I feel I could that comfortably with, not even my family.



End serious post.

[Atramental]

A lot of the people who I would consider friends are busy right now with jobs, marriages, relationships, kids, etc. I sometimes get invited to cookouts/parties but it's very rare.

There's also my best friend who moved to Texas after we graduated high school and a couple of years later he married a woman who has two kids from a previous relationship. So naturally he's busy with them.

He still stays in contact with my brother on the weekends because they play an online version of DnD together but I'm not about that shit so... eh. I tried playing some online "table top" game with them before and I was bored out of my fucking skull.

I think I'm going to try and re-establish contact with my best friend again since my brother is going to be leaving for England next Wednesday for his college semester abroad. Another reason why we have drifted apart is that he is a bit more conservative than I am.

Also, I'm partly to blame for my friendships slowly deteriorating because I'm sometimes too absorbed with my own personal projects and what not. Or with internet bullshit.

Then there's another person that I knew from high school who was kind of a chode when I knew him but he sent me a friend request on FB recently and he seems to have mellowed out. He still lives in my area so I'm thinking about meeting back up with him again as well.

So yeah.  Bluh... real life friends..

[Momo]

I have like 1 or 2 real friends IRL and yes I absolutely am satisfied by their emotional and intellectual input.

[Rufus]

Zero these days. I feel entirely ambivalent about that. I'm the kind of guy that doesn't leave the house unless he has to so it's just as well.

[Kara]

You are not damaged goods, H.

OT: I know that even though they're nice and probably the most mature circle I've had in my life they're doomed to the 3-5 year cycle all my circles of friends go through because my fucking bullshit burns people the fuck out.

[Momo]

I'm going to a bbq hosted by a few dudes later. Interesting thing is 2 of them were absolutely good friends 2, 3 years ago. I got along with their wives, their kids didnt even annoy me (much) they knew my family, the chicks I was dating etc. Then we just stopped hanging out.

[CatsCatsCats]

Just got back from a birthday party. They're all good enough people and pretty fun to hang out with but I don't really have a deep connection with many of them

[toku]

I'm that friend that disappears for years at a time and when you ask where I was or what I was doing I dodge like an expert. I've had maybe two great friends. The kinda where when ppl outside listen in on your conversation they wouldn't get it. The kinda that knows even the things you would never tell them about, they just know already. I don't talk to either of them anymore. The friends I have right now are just ppl I can go out with and if I move like I'm planning in the next 4-6 months I probably won't talk to them ever again. I make friends easily, a great social chameleon.

[Squiddy]

What real life friends? 

There must be something wrong with me, I burn all the bridges to the friends I make, and take forever to make new friends.

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

I had a lot of friends but in the past few years, I made a conscious decision to drop the mooches, deadbeats, non-starters, and druggies from my life.  I basically only want to hang out with people who have their shit together or are making honest attempts to get their shit together.  I may sound like a dick but fuck it, it's my life and I got tired of the neverending drama that ensued from those losers.

[Rufus]

Found anyone yet?

[lennedsay]

Playdat, if you sense attention whoring and competition in that one group, go with your intuition. At work, I have several extremely insecure women in their 20s and 30s, even 40s who constantly compete with everyone for attention. It's getting so bad they're making up illnesses and shit to compete for more attention and get mad at people when they're acknowledged for an achievement, personal or professional. Little do they know, the rest of us think its hilarious. I distance myself from these people without being rude, although I will troll them when it gets bad. Lol

To answer the question, I grew up with emotional toxic people and didn't realize how horrible they were until I met my husband's group of friends. It's been over 10 years since I was close with some of these people but they still try to keep me around, even though they are directly spiteful to me for trying to distance myself. I could be a pushover with people I cared about when I was young and stupid, but not as much anymore and they see that and don't like it. We had a lot of mutual friends before, but only one left I still hang out with. I always hoped we would naturally drift apart, but they're doing their best to prevent that because no one else would put up with their shit.

But, from them, I've learned to be a better judge of character and put people in their place if needed. My friends now are people I've consciously made the effort to be close with because they were good people. Some old friends, some new. I don't fall into the trap of becoming friends with people out of convenience. Some of our friends have other friends come around who I wouldn't hang out with normally, so I'm always nice and respectful when we see each other in a group. But I'm not going to go out of my way to build a relationship with people I don't really like when we have real friends and family we don't see often enough and I'd rather spend time with.

Needless to say, when we started picking and choosing friends, we now have amazing, positive, supportive people in our life and around our daughter.

[Cheddahz]

I rarely talk to the friends that I grew up with anymore, mainly due to the fact that hanging out with them really just wasn't good for me mentally and they're immature as shit (I still talk to one friend I made in middle school, but we've always been tight and I'm sure he will always will be tight) and I haven't really made that many friends in college, but the few that I have made are pretty sweet and I enjoy hanging out with them quite a bit. Ironically though, one of my best friends is my ex's brother, but I love the dude to death and he is just awesome to hang out with

It's good to have real life friends, just don't think you need to become friends with everyone in your life, cause 95% of the time, they aren't worth it

[drew]

had to drop almost everyone when i got clean, but picked up a new group of equally fun and awesome people.  (chronovore can attest, he's seen a pic of my bff ) theres a bit of an age difference but that doesn't really come into play too much.

[tiesto]

I have a pretty wide social net, and a lot of these friends are from completely different groups... my coworkers from my last job, my gamer friends, my HS friends. The former coworkers and HS friends I don't see as much anymore as they all have wives, houses, and in some case kids.

There was one guy who was my best friend since HS (he was the one who got me interested in dance music and DJing) that I had to drop a few years ago since he was constantly trying to fuck with my other friends (moving in on ex's and gf's), talk lots of shit behind people's backs, and bring everyone down (one of those who couldn't feel happy for someone else's fortune, always finding a way to rain on the parade).

[BobFromPikeCreek]

I'm having this realization now, and I'm 27. It's pretty god damn hard making new friends at 27.

[nudemacusers]

I love my 'real life' friends. Sadly the military tends to move everyone away from each other, but we usually make an effort to visit 1-2 times a year at various destinations. My tight circle is probably a dozen or so people, super-close would be 4-5.

I consider you all friends too and would enjoy chilling at some point in the future. 

also, I'm 30, and it's never too late to make new friends. Not always easy, since you usually can't hang out like you can in college/etc, but never give up.

[Kara]

I'm having this realization now, and I'm 27. It's pretty god damn hard making new friends at 27.

It's hard to make ones that aren't complete fuck ups. If you don't care about that, it's p. easy still at that age.

[BobFromPikeCreek]

I'm having this realization now, and I'm 27. It's pretty god damn hard making new friends at 27.

It's hard to make ones that aren't complete fuck ups. If you don't care about that, it's p. easy still at that age.

I'm basically the only not complete fuck up among my current friends. I need friends with careers and ambitions.

[chronovore]

had to drop almost everyone when i got clean, but picked up a new group of equally fun and awesome people.  (chronovore can attest, he's seen a pic of my bff ) theres a bit of an age difference but that doesn't really come into play too much.

Congratulations on getting clean! I didn't know you'd gone that route; I bet it's rough to pull away from harmful influences in your life.

And, yeah, the BFF is pretty sweet!

[lennedsay]

Went over to some friends' house tonight for dinner and bullshitting. Twas good times.

Had another friend over for coffee yesterday morning before we all ran our Saturday errands. Felt like old people. Twas also awesome.

Neighbor friend stopped by today and we swapped kid clothes.

We haven't had family or friends who lived within 30 min from us for 4 years. Reaping the benefits of friends nearby now tho.

[Phoenix Dark]

[chronovore]

Most of my IRL friends are still in America. I'm working on correcting that, but even my "local" friends live downtown in Osaka, about 40 minutes away by train. My neighbor's a great friend, but he's usually traveling abroad on business, so I only see him about once a month.

I'd love to hear more from Japan-bore on this, but I do feel that there's a barrier to friendship between Japanese and foreigners. I'm not sure that it's the Japanese people's fault so much as just two cultures which have fundamental compatibility problems. My best Japanese friends are consistently "returnees," people who've been abroad and have seen the benefits of western culture.

[bork]

I moved back to Atlanta at the end of 2008, after spending about three and a half years in Japan.  I mention this because before the move, I had a nice circle of friends and friends of friends going on.  After moving back, two friends turned around and moved back to Japan.  One friend I used to hang out with fairly often "disappeared" after meeting a girlfriend.  I've seen him four times since moving back- once when I first got here, again in 2009 when he first started going out with the girl, then in 2010 for their engagement party and wedding.  Since then I have not seen him and rarely hear from him.  I have been told by his other friends and even his mother (the latter made for a very awkward conversation) that his wife is extremely controlling and he just sort of follows what she says without argument, so I don't know if that's what keeps him away or not.  I can't say I had any problems with her when I have talked to her and usually conversations with him go along the lines of him or me asking to hang out, I get no response later and contact him, and he replies much later with "sorry dude was busy/had to go to work suddenly."  Happened so much that I just stopped asking. 

The other friend still here talks to me often, but rarely do we meet up.  He also became harder to get together with after getting married (his siblings told me that he pretty much just started staying at home all the time after marriage and never went out) and then had kids and virtually disappeared from the social scene.  I do still see him from time to time and don't feel like something weird is up with him like my other friend.

And then I pretty much never see anyone else.  My wife has slowly followed my habits and also now rarely hangs out with anyone anymore.  I feel like we've all hit that age (30s) where we just have our own stuff going on/families and not as much time to goof off as before.  I'm generally pretty OK being at home playing video games and playing with the dog anyway.

Most of my IRL friends are still in America. I'm working on correcting that, but even my "local" friends live downtown in Osaka, about 40 minutes away by train. My neighbor's a great friend, but he's usually traveling abroad on business, so I only see him about once a month.

I'd love to hear more from Japan-bore on this, but I do feel that there's a barrier to friendship between Japanese and foreigners. I'm not sure that it's the Japanese people's fault so much as just two cultures which have fundamental compatibility problems. My best Japanese friends are consistently "returnees," people who've been abroad and have seen the benefits of western culture.

I never made a single Japanese friend during my time there.  Only friends with other foreigners.  Socialization with Japanese people came from work-related enkais (which I hated) and from my wife's family/friends.  For whatever reason I found it easier to talk to females than Japanese males, with a few exceptions.  My barber (who lived across from me) was actually a pretty cool guy.  I meant to stay in touch with him but lost his Email address. 

[TakingBackSunday]

IRL friends are now interspersed all around the country and no longer in Nashville.  I'm really good buddies with my roommates, but it's kind of different being close with your roommates when you're not in college...you all have busy professional lives, so any time spent hanging out is rare and fleeting.  Nightly bullshitting around the living room happens though, which is fun.

Have one really close friend other than that in Nashville that is the first I made after graduating, but she's been clinging to her new boyfriend lately so I barely see her anymore.

It's tough nowadays.  I wish I could go out more often and get a big table at a bar and shoot the shit, but I just can't.  I think I'm gonna join a basketball team in Nashville Sports League to try and meet new people, but I've encountered some big assholes in pickup games with some of them over the last few months.  I'll try and join a coed team, I guess.

[king of the internet]

They come and go. Do my best to avoid getting emotionally attached to anyone.

[Mr. Gundam]

I've got a good core groups of about 14 friends that I've had for about 8 years now. We see most if not all of them on the weekends and sometimes during the week. Some have kids, some don't.

[Huff]

We're all shitty people. So it works.

Good luck with the fraternity. We don't care what color your skin is as long as you're a cac on the inside

[Pickles the Firecat]

I'm having this realization now, and I'm 27. It's pretty god damn hard making new friends at 27.

It's hard to make ones that aren't complete fuck ups. If you don't care about that, it's p. easy still at that age.

I'm basically the only not complete fuck up among my current friends. I need friends with careers and ambitions.

I don't agree with it being harder to make friends after college. Even well-adjusted friends. I'm 26 now and starting to find that if anything meeting new people becomes easier the older you get with one major qualifier: they can't have children. Where I am in life currently I'm much more comfortable turning to the guy next to me and talking about whatever bullshit is happening at the time. Hockey, basketball, drinks before a show, craft beer event, food festival, art gallery opening, motorcycle exhibit. If I'm out somewhere it's because I want to be there and have interest in what's happening, and if another person is there it means they dig it too. Easy to make connections when you know there's common ground. And really, how many people have similar interests to you in one area and not another? How many people who are into craft beer aren't into good food or music or whatever. People also have much more interesting personalities, lives, and stories the older we get. I met someone who hitchhiked and biked from Ghana to fucking Italy a little bit ago. How many people can keep you interested in their lives in a way like that before they've graduated college? What have most of us done while we're in college? Almost nothing on my end (tbh that hasn't changed a lot post-college). idk. Just seems like doors open the older I get.

[chronovore]

Most of my IRL friends are still in America. I'm working on correcting that, but even my "local" friends live downtown in Osaka, about 40 minutes away by train. My neighbor's a great friend, but he's usually traveling abroad on business, so I only see him about once a month.

I'd love to hear more from Japan-bore on this, but I do feel that there's a barrier to friendship between Japanese and foreigners. I'm not sure that it's the Japanese people's fault so much as just two cultures which have fundamental compatibility problems. My best Japanese friends are consistently "returnees," people who've been abroad and have seen the benefits of western culture.

I never made a single Japanese friend during my time there.  Only friends with other foreigners.  Socialization with Japanese people came from work-related enkais (which I hated) and from my wife's family/friends.  For whatever reason I found it easier to talk to females than Japanese males, with a few exceptions.  My barber (who lived across from me) was actually a pretty cool guy.  I meant to stay in touch with him but lost his Email address.

Women are easier to deal with here, usually. They don't have a need to maintain stoicism, they're usually not so embroiled in their career that they lose track of everything else.

[chronovore]

You said "workplace" which brings up another point: For me, I worked at several companies in my field before coming to Japan. Over the course of seven years, I made many new friends who are a network of reliable and kind people who are always looking to help each other out. I worked at one company for just over 10 years in Japan, and I made three friends with whom I consistently have to be the instigator. I don't feel like any of them would go out of their way to recommend me professionally, either, despite having been in the trenches together for years.

[CatsCatsCats]

To be real, my wife is really the only person I reliably want to hang out with

[chronovore]

 

Yeah, and it's understandable. Most people do go away. Hell, I even wanted to leave, but couldn't.

[T234]

5 of them I love more than most people do their real brothers. I've met a lot of close friends through business associates. You meet alot of interesting people in my line of work. Alot of my friends have moved to the Pac-NW in recent years.

[bork]

Yeah, and it's understandable. Most people do go away. Hell, I even wanted to leave, but couldn't.

If this is something not too personal, was this because your family members didn't want to move to the States?

[Am_I_Anonymous]

I have several from all period of my life. Most are great. Per normal there are a few users, idiots, and guys who are the reason feminism was created in there...but for the most part I love my boys.

Well except my nicca charlie who despite routinely going to jail for failure to support his 2 children is going ahead and having another one with a fucking idiot of a woman he met about 3 goddamn weeks ago.

[drew]

Congratulations on getting clean! I didn't know you'd gone that route; I bet it's rough to pull away from harmful influences in your life.

And, yeah, the BFF is pretty sweet!

Thanks man, I was ready to quit.  I'm tired of spending all my money and then having nothing to show for it.  It really is like learning how to live all over again.

she is amazing, I would totally wifey this chick...I've never thought that about a girl before - we vibrate on the same frequency, everything with her just comes so easy, its great.

[chronovore]

Yeah, and it's understandable. Most people do go away. Hell, I even wanted to leave, but couldn't.

If this is something not too personal, was this because your family members didn't want to move to the States?

Ah... I'm not sure how much I've talked about it here. I was actually back and working dev in the USA for most of 2012, but my wife's family member's health which prevented the rest of the family from moving out to join me. My family was having a hard time coping without me, so I moved back.