Journey into Mandark :noah - Karakand Watches Blossom

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 1 - "Lies" (These titles are my own, not the airing titles.)

Ironically this episode opens with Blossom (video) journaling. It's almost like this show knew what I'd be doing an eternity after it aired.

This is a strange pilot because the parents Blossom has in this episode are not the parents she has in subsequent episodes. I guess this wouldn't be that strange, shit happens in TV after all, but the whole white sitcom navel gazing of the episode is Blossom being mortified at the prospect of her parents divorcing after overhearing them having a fight about their sex life. Like this is the whole premise of the episode, I can't recall any other subplots other than introductions to Blossom's two brothers.

Blossom is annoyingly precocious, think Frasier tier but without any basis for the character to be this able to mediate her life through references. BUT IT GETS WORSE, later in the episode her soon-to-be-replaced mom makes a referential joke at the dinner table about Steve Winwood and both Joey and Blossom look at her like she's from Mars. Are you fucking kidding me.

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 1 in total viewings.

[G The Resurrected]

oh fuck

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 2 - "Blood for the Blood God"



They're already hitting me with the tampon episode. This is all that remains: blood and fury. Faith is a lie. Truth is a lie. Blood is shed as it has always been. Yes I just quoted Avitus' betrayal dialog from Chaos Rising.

Instead of having 2 middling bourgeois parents who work awful hours in LA, Blossom's parents are now divorced musicians. Her deadbeat mom is touring the world (currently in Paris) while pops holds down the fort back in the Valley. But for the sake of continuity, dad makes a joke about how awful the traffic on the LA freeway system is.

Six says ennui in this episode. Apparently Blossom isn't the only ersatz Frasier in this show.

This episode introduces the first Jewish joke, which after a few episodes I believe will be a recurring item. Niddah is like so hilarious y'all.

Remember when I said truth is a lie? Well this episode has our first woman of color in it.



The whitest sitcom of the 90s and there's someone who isn't white in the second episode. Democracy in action.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 1 in total viewings.

[El Babua]

As I had actually avoided this show as a kid, perhaps instinctively aware of the cacness judging from its commercials and whatever bits I got exposed to, this will be a journey of discovery for me as well.

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 3 - "Jung Love"

From my notations I was belligerently drunk by this part in the night. Most of what I wrote was self-abuse and ranting about rakia, but there's enough commentary on the episode for me to write something up.

Sex is... very much in the forefront of this show (if only because Joey is a horndog who won't shut the fuck up about getting laid, yeah, like I believe Joey fucking Lawrence can't get laid ), which tbh I wasn't expecting since Blossom is barely 14 and this was just at the end of the Moral Majority but I have a sinking feeling this show is going to be Judy Blume tier from what I've watched already.

Anyway, this is an episode that's just a sex episode. One of Joey's friends, who's like a total dreamboat but still sensitive falls for Blossom even though he's moving to Arizona to play baseball for a prep school and asks her out to the junior prom (you go girl).

Naturally pops is having none of this because lol patriarchy but eventually he relents and lets her go so we can enjoy some top shelf sight gags.



There were 2 catcalls in this episode. We already have more catcalls than woahs. How the fuck did this show become about woahs.

This episode introduces another running element: Joey's wardrobe. Look at this stylish ensemble. mac you know where I can get something like this?



"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 1 in total viewings.

[recursivelyenumerable]

i appreciate this thread, esp. the titles although you've def made a challenge for yourself

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 4 - "The Carnality of Evil"

Blossom's dad is dating again. Blossom has a big problem with this because of reasons like "she can't put away the pots and silverware correctly" and "she moves around the kitchen weird" and "she peels potatoes weird." Maybe this show really is the whitest show of the 90s, it certainly makes the irrelevant seem like life and death.

Blossom's a good gal, after asking her fairy godmother to erase her dad's new squeeze from reality she then asks for world peace.



This is just another sex episode, but this time it's dad's sex life and not his children's. This is some fucking fresh content y'all. In the words of Joey (from this episode no less), "There is nothing other than sex."

We have our second stealthy Jewish joke - someone drops a Kurt Waldheim reference. Yeah, like Blossom is going to know about that verkakte goy.

This episode has our first familial hug. Shit's going in my scrapbook.



(Jorts with leggings. )

It also has Joey being .



Blossom's beef with her dad's girlfriend comes to words between the two of them and she breaks up with dad shortly thereafter. Naturally Blossom thinks this is solely her fault because in a show of self-absorbed cacs living utterly meaningless lives the titular character has to be acutely afflicted with this disease of the spirit. In truth dad tells her, his ex-gf just wasn't ready to step into a family with a neurotic crypto, Joey's poverty of intellect, and their other brother who's this awkward recovering addict who functions as equal parts wise counsel and source of bizarre or trite subplots.

The moral we're supposed to take away from this episode is that kids need to respect their parent's need to fuck up their lives with serial dating after they get divorced. Like pops literally says something to the effect of, "You have to respect my lifestyle Blossom." THE STRUGGLE IS REAL Y'ALL.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 1 in total viewings.

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 5 - "Game of Groans"

Pops gets a gig out of town and the kids are left at home. While this is just another sex episode, it at least mixes things up by also making it a Zack Morris episode too.

(In her attempts to get dad to take the gig Blossom tells him, "Dad I'm not a kid. I'm 14." It was about this moment that I wondered just where I had gone wrong with my life.)

Joey has a date with a senior (you go girl) and thinks he's on the express lane to Laysville. Unfortunately for him he acts like a total gentleman and she actually likes him and he doesn't get casual sex. Just a thought Joey, you might try wearing something other than this



or this.



Unfortunately for everyone Joey parks their dad's car in a fire lane when he goes on a date with his senior admirer and the car gets towed. It is at this point that we discover that dad went Tywin Lannister and put each of the kids in charge without telling the others. After careful debate everyone decides that Blossom is actually the one in charge and that she has to take the L for this Zack Morris shit because all the men on this show are fucking worthless.

The other brother also has an admirer he met in AA and everyone is really happy for him until Blossom catches her stealing a golden statue of Little Richard that belongs to their father, presumably to pawn for drugs because lol addicts am I right y'all.

The only silver lining to this subplot is that Little Richard makes an appearance in one of Blossom's bizarre visual hallucinations.



The moral of this episode is that you can't treat addicts with kid gloves because they're grown ups too.

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 2 in total viewings.

[Barraco Barner]

Do you fast-forward through the opening theme for each episode? Because it's Dr. John's greatest moment and you shouldn't.

[Kara]

Do you fast-forward through the opening theme for each episode? Because it's Dr. John's greatest moment and you shouldn't.

I watch every second of it every time because I hate myself.

[Momo]

This is like gluing your scrotum flaps together and slowly tearing them apart

[Joe Molotov]

This is like gluing your scrotum flaps together and slowly tearing them apart

I think that's Episode 11.

[ToxicAdam]

Joey's hair looks relatively tame at this point. It must not be until much later that he goes 'Full Joey'.

[pilonv1]

Remember when I said truth is a lie? Well this episode has our first woman of color in it.

I demand a revote

I bet Full House went 80 episodes before seeing anyone who wasn't as white as someone from Seattle 

[pilonv1]

That said, I am going to enjoy this. I don't remember much of Blossom outside of an episode where Six had an eating disorder and was counting calories and not eating and then passed out or something.

[Great Rumbler]

I really do feel sorry for you, Kara, but I'm also glad that you're doing this, because it's highly enjoyable seeing someone else writhe helplessly in an abyss of cacness.

[Brehvolution]

Yeoman's work, Karakand.

[Kara]

This is like gluing your scrotum flaps together and slowly tearing them apart

Aside from every episode being about sex in some manner it's really not close to harming me yet.

In an ideologically correct way I actually kind of enjoy a sitcom that's preoccupied with a woman's journey through life, Judy Blumesque as it may be.

And the aggrandizement of the travails of insignificant lives is something that stopped driving me up the wall to the point of breaking ages ago because I wouldn't be able to exist in the U.S. of 2014 otherwise.

[ToxicAdam]

I caught a few episodes back when it was on, and it always struck me that Six was the real star of the show and not anyone else. In the same way that Family Matters was actually Urkel's show and Family Ties was about Alex Keaton.

[Human Snorenado]

Just wait until they get into "A Very Special Blossom" territory, Kara. I think that starts in season 3 or so. You think you've seen heavy handed sanctimony delivered via CACishness? Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.

[Yeti]

It will become a cacophony

[El Babua]

Kara, are your hippy roommates aware of your self imposed cactivity? Or are you watching the show in a judgement free zone, such as your local Taco Bell?

[Joe Molotov]

I hope Kara is indoctrinating his comrades with these great cacisodes.

[Kara]

I'm watching it in my room, which for obvious reasons precludes it from being categorized as a judgment free zone.

I don't personally interact with the commune very much. By the time I get home every night they're already in the bag and head to bed shortly thereafter while I'm wired for the next 5-6 hours before human exhaustion or chemical inducement permit me a few precious hours of sleep and on the weekends I'm usually recuperating from my godawful workweek, Friday night, working more hours, or putting the remnants of my life back together instead of interacting with them.

As my wine glasses are a huge hit with my comrades (because they are oversized I surmise), I like to think of them as my equerry in household matters.

[Great Rumbler]

Just wanted to point out that "Watching a sitcom" ranked 5th on The Bore's list of favorite cactivities.

[Kara]

Going to drink my dinner tonight (and by that I don't mean nutrient gruel) and watch some more fukken Blossom.

[Yeti]

I considered joining you in your self-flagellation because I have never seen an episode of Blossom, but you are plowing through those episodes at a pace I'd never be able to match. Godspeed on your journey good sir.

[Kara]

Each episode barely 20 minutes long and they require little effort to watch, it's quite easy to blow through several at a time.

In truth I probably spend more time writing my episode summaries than I do watching the episodes.

Perhaps I can give you a list of the worst of the worst to sample at the conclusion of my journey.

[Joe Molotov]

Just wait till you get to the Blossom episode about blowing through several a time.

[Kara]

Everyone seems to blow through romantic interests like I blow through episodes.

And Blossom has already blown through the moral quandary of lying. There was an episode whose prime focus was her being troubled by lying to her father about where she was going on her date that week and then like 2 episodes later she lies to get out of a date with a geek (that in fairness she was pressured into going out with) like it was nothing. I must confess I am somewhat offended by this show's flippant attitude towards continuity.

[CatsCatsCats]

Clearly the message is that lying to your fellow man is acceptable (especially so if they are considered lesser), but it is morally reprehensible to deceive the patriarch. Cac show.

[nudemacusers]

Cool thread, watch closely in season 2 for subliminals in set design referencing the hermetic order of the golden dawn and rites of thelema.

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 6 - "Gang Bang Theory"

The actual title of this episode has sex in it. Like this shit was old 3 episodes ago Blossom.

Six and Blossom arrange a double date but instead of it being at the movies like they originally planned, it's going to be at a house party renown for being a regular den of iniquity.

Blossom naturally cannot tell her doting father that she's eschewing a date he approves of for one where people just sit in a dim room and make out, so she lies to him. This culminates with her telling pops that she doesn't need a ride to the movies because she wants to take the bus instead. "I like taking the bus. It gives me a chance to brush up on my Spanish."

Of course Blossom being the fine upstanding human being that she is, deceiving her father like this weighs heavy on her. So much so that her celebrity hallucination in this episode involves her being outed on an episode of PHIL FUCKING DONAHUE Y'ALL.



Dream Phil is not only dreamy, but he's fucking ruthless in tearing Dream Blossom apart. Even Dream Six goes Iscariot on dat ass.

But of course, weight on conscience aside, Blossom still decides to go. I mean who can resist this guy knowing all the residual checks he'll be earning years down the line for a godawful piece of fucking shit sitcom?



Earlier in the ep Joey got caught cheating on his schoolwork and being stupid (he bought a report on Abraham Lincoln that was about a late model automobile instead) so pops grounded him. Unfortunately for pops, this gal he'd been pining for for literal calendar years decides to stop by after turning him down on the phone earlier in the episode. What does that mean? Being cockblocked by his grounded ne'er-do-well son.



All is not lost though, when pops turns down the opportunity to go back to her place for some casual sex so he can be around in case Blossom needs him, we get some top shelf sight gagging!



Unfortunately for Blossom, the 'rents whose house is hosting the make out party come home unexpectedly and bust everyone for being lascivious brutes.

In this episode we also learn that pops keeps condoms in his sock drawer. Why? Because there is no god and eternal suffering is the only truth in existence.

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 3 in total viewings

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 7 - "The Irrelevant Divorce"

Because the Aztlan joke in the last episode wasn't enough, this episode opens with Blossom bemoaning the fact that she has to study French. "We go to an American school. We should speak what Americans speak: Spanish."

The kids intercept the final divorce papers pops is supposed to sign. Pops has been having a rough run of late despite what happened in the previous episode? Like I said this show has no fucking respect for continuity or my (questionable) intelligence. 

It's cool though, hilarity ensues every time they try and tell him the final papers have arrived but they chicken out before following through.



Speaking of sight gags, one of Blossom's classmates gets a bad haircut and spends the rest of the episode concealing it in outrageous outfits even Joey wouldn't be caught dead in.







Well maybe I spoke in haste about Joey...



The real conflict in this episode is that Six and Blossom drift apart because Six makes friends with a new girl who manages to become popular from her first lunch period at school. Eventually they drift so far apart that they ether one another in a fit of anger at a rock concert where the headlining act is noted for their projectile vomiting on stage instead of their musical prowess. (No, it wasn't Gwar.) It's all good doe, they kiss and make up by the end of the episode.



The moral of this episode is that it's not easier to live life by destroying your family, but it is better.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 3 in total viewings

[Barraco Barner]

Does knowing that Blossom grew up to become an anti-vaccine person who believes in the development and protection of a Jewish nation genocidal shill enhance your viewings in any way?

[Kara]

Does knowing that Blossom grew up to become an anti-vaccine person who believes in the development and protection of a Jewish nation genocidal shill enhance your viewings in any way?

Well I assumed she didn't make it on the cover of Orange County Jewish Life Magazine for being Norman Finkelstein.

[Great Rumbler]

I saw this in the summary of episode 51:

Blossom seeks information about Judaism from a wisecracking rabbi.

[Kara]

Season 1 - Episode 8 - "A la recherche des vacances perdu"

In a rare moment of continuity, Blossom spends this episode mourning the loss of her family and emblematic manifestations of it like the annual road trip to BFE every year. She's such a sad sack that she has the old family movies converted to the cutting edge technology of VHS.



Of course Blossom doesn't suffer in silence. She makes a family breakfast that's roundly ignored by the other members of the household.

Eventually this shit escalates and escalates until she browbeats the clan into going on a road trip to the ol' cabin by the lake. (Yes it's that cliched.) Unfortunately for the gang there's traffic on the freeway and dad forgets how to get to the lake. They spend ages and ages driving in circles until they stop at a roadside diner and have a jam session.



On a irrelevant note, why the FUCK does Six sleep on more or less a real bed when crashing with Blossom? I knew people in university that didn't sleep this well.



The only noteworthy thing about this episode is that it starts substantively working with Anthony's history of addiction. Joey lays out why he has beef with him while they're wandering around the side of the road, pops says that just trying to stay sober isn't good enough for him, etc.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 3 in total viewings

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 9 - "Blessed are the geek: for they shall inherit the earth"

A former object of Blossom's desires seems like he's going to ask her to the dance which for some reason floors her even though she already went through that schmuck. Continuity, it's so problematic friends.

Unfortunately for Blossom that asshole was just hoodwinking her into going to the dance with this Greek god.



Seriously, at one point this guy



says he watches Soul Train.

Apparently it only influences his dancing and not his wardrobe.

Blossom decides that instead of telling Zorba the Geek that she was pressured into going out with him she's going to lie to get out of going to the dance. What does she tell him? That she has a trumpet competition... in Bulgaria. This wouldn't have happened if Todor Zhivkov could live forever.

Despite becoming an inveterate liar now, Blossom still hasn't worked through that pesky thing we call a conscience. That's alright though because we get my favorite celebrity hallucination yet as she struggles with it.



Blossom goes to dad for advice and he tells her she should honor her commitments. (Just as a reminder, this is someone who constantly reminds Blossom that it was good that her parents didn't honor their commitments to each other. Do as I say not as I do y'all.) He also tells her that he was a geek in high school himself and spins that Revenge of the Nerds yarn about how geeks grow up to achieve despite being uncool now.

Overlooking dad's intellectual inconsistency, Blossom decides to go crawling back to her spurned dance partner and ask if he'd consider going with her again. He tells her that he already has a date, but maybe she could teach him how to lie to her to get out of it.

Blossom is like "How did you know?" to which Zorba the Geek replies that he has a Bulgarian pen pal who he queried about this alleged trumpet competition. Yeah, like you got a fucking letter to Bulgaria and one back in the duration of this episode.

Joey also lied wrt to the dance, except his lie was that he had a Corvette he'd be taking his date to the dance in. When he doesn't pass his driving test on the day of the dance (this fucking guy), he has to come clean and naturally his date dumps him. It's all good though, the Russo clan has their own dance that THANK FUCKING CHRIST is cut short by a freeze frame fade out.



Oh and I can't forget the Joey couture.





"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 4 in total viewings

[Kara]

I think that if only because they take longer to write than the episodes actually run for, writing these synopses crushes my soul more than watching the whitest sitcom of the 1990s as decided by a competition that was clearly rigged by the Elders of Zion.

Also that I can't be drunk while writing but I can while watching. Oh and that I see obvious writing problems that weren't readily apparent to an entire apparatus of people that created this fucking travesty.

[CatsCatsCats]

We've almost broken him, he'll be ready soon

[ToxicAdam]

A special appearance by Alf? That must have been an awesome sweeps month stunt like no other. I can just see the commercial teasers now.

Joey with his patented 4+ layer look with too many accessories. He's like a walking Chess King mannequin.

[Joe Molotov]

We've almost broken him, he'll be ready soon

When was Kara ever not broken?

[nudemacusers]

Never made this connection until now. Layers brehs.

[larrydavid]

i sure came back to another crazy upset, if only there had been a nonwhite poll tax.

can we get occasional readings of the other elite eight to break things up every once in a while? as much as i'm enjoying the person who believes in the development and protection of a Jewish nation analysis i really need to see some kara episode titles for the runner ups too.

[Kara]

We've almost broken him, he'll be ready soon

I get a respite after I finish my next 2 synopses because I have to study for an Internal Revenue Service exam.

While I have grown to respect my foe over the last few episodes, the last thing that even came close to truly breaking me was 2011's Something Borrowed, which if you ever find yourself in need of a torture device I highly recommend.

When was Kara ever not broken?

I was OK until 16 May 2014 at approximately 23:30 Pacific.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

spoiler (click to show/hide)

I can actually narrow it down to the minute, possibly second.

[close]

[close]

can we get occasional readings of the other elite eight to break things up every once in a while? as much as i'm enjoying the person who believes in the development and protection of a Jewish nation analysis i really need to see some kara episode titles for the runner ups too.

You like them? They feel rather staid to me, but that might be because I did them for years for College Football-GAF OPs and have no self-esteem.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

(Or that they're telegraphed as fuck. I mean seriously, In Search of Lost Vacations? -Ed.)

[close]

Not really sure I can do this shit for 7 other shows, I'll have to think of something.

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 10 - "Itinerant Vice"

Anthony's past comes back to haunt him in this episode. Pops give him an ultimatum: get a job by Friday or you have to leave the house. (It's Tuesday.) Ah, the days when America didn't have crippling structural unemployment.

Naturally Anthony is flippant about pop's ultimatum after years of being enabled and the rosy conditions of the Southland labor market but isn't held to account because these are the days where you can try and get a job and get one that same day, which Anthony does on Friday when Blossom reminds him that he's going to get kicked out without a meal ticket.

(On a tangential note, Anthony says in a previous episode that he can't be treated with kid gloves just because he's a recovering addict but then is basically a dipshit in this episode. When I say, "conti," you say, "nuity." CONTI. (NUITY). (I answered for y'all, I hope you don't mind.))

...unfortunately pizza delivery is too much work for Anthony to handle and he gets fired on his first night. Now I'm no shyster, but it seems like he met pop's ultimatum--he had a job by Friday. Unfortunately in the Court of Dad there is little room for nuance and Anthony gets kicked to the curb when he tells pops the next day that he got fired.

Blossom doesn't take this well, having already lost her family already, and so she does what she always does--daydreams about celebrities!



(Dream Sonny Bono (RIP) makes a joke about wanting to be a senator someday. GET IT Y'ALL. )

Anyway, Dream Sonny Bono busts Anthony and Blossom for stealing his music while panhandling and loots their meager alms as restitution. DMCA, it's so demonic friends.

That probably seems like a strange fantasy, that's because I forgot to tell you that Blossom's storyline in this episode (besides worrying about her brother) is that she lied (there's a shocker) to get into a musical composition class and the song she "wrote" was "I Got You Babe," at least that's what pops told her.



(It's OK Blossom, Nabokov probably stole the basic premise for Lolita unintentionally / subconsciously too.)

This storyline crescendos (no pun intended) with Blossom having a daydream about sailing a Mozart piece past her composition teacher but being busted by Mozart Sturm und Dranging into class and calling her (specifically) a nogoodnik. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.  Attack ships on fire off Orion. I watched a phantasmal icon of Western music scold a fictional character with a word my parents unironically used to describe my friends in the dark near South Gate, California. All these memories will be lost if I could just fucking die already.

As if alcohol wasn't omnipresent enough in this episode, Joey goes on a quest to get a fake ID to substantiate some lie (shocker) he told a girl he was interested in (again, shocker).



Ralph Steinberg? This meshugge boychik has some verkakte chutzpah, I mean look how he dresses.



Anthony spends his exile couch surfing and eventually gets a job at an all night doughnut shop whose clientele consists of coppers and the people coppers nick because apparently the second largest city in America has no other customer base for an all night doughnut shop. Urban sprawl, it's so demonic friends.

Eventually Blossom convinces pops to go see Anthony on the job and bury the hatchet, which they do but not before Joey tries his hand at being a punter... with an undercover police office... who recognizes pops because they went out awhile back.

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 5 in total viewings

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 11 - "A Syndication of the Image Rights of Woman"

Six is sleeping over on a school night (which is fucking bullshit BTW... I know Six's parents are suspect for making her honest to god legal name a digit but ) and they start talking about things they'd wish for. Things like a boy to ask them to the dance on Friday!

Blossom will have none of that though, wishing for a date to the dance violates her "feminist sensibilities." But that's OK, it gives Six an out to peer pressure her into asking a guy to the dance herself even though that's a flagrant disregard for the patriarchal rules of society since this isn't a Sadie Hawkins dance.

(Who's the guy she wants to ask out you might wonder? Why it's the president of the chess club. Yes Blossom who went out with a star baseball prospect and spurned an uber nerd with fanciful tales of Thracian Thrashin' is now completely unable to work up the courage to ask out the president of the chess club. Maybe he's a Mikhail Tal tier dreamboat? )

Blossom calls this poor schmuck like 4 times to ask him to the dance and chickens out every time because I need reasons to not go on living. When she finally gets over herself and asks he tells her that he got asked out 5 minutes ago by someone else. Apparently this flagrant disregard for patriarchal institutions is an epidemic. What's next, suffrage?

It's all good though, Blossom and Six decide they'll go to the dance together instead. The Vassar applications are already in the mail, girlfriends.

Pops is actually doing active, constructive parenting by teaching Joey how to pay bills instead of issuing edicts from the top of Mount Dipshit or punishing his kids after the fact even though they're clearly not equipped to function in the real world.



(Wonder how much SODA paid for that product placement...)

Unfortunately for Joey he ran up a several hundred dollar phone sex bill that is discovered during this process. Naturally he handles this situation like a reasonable human being.



This gives pops the opportunity to school Joey on the particulars of how phone sex lines con people. This is how trite the fucking bullshit is in this show, pops is teaching his son the ins and outs of (actual sex trade) hustling. "Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair," sayeth the cacdemon.

On a more somber note, one of Anthony's old party friends comes up on his 1 year sobriety birthday and thinks he's beat the beast, which he hasn't of course, and we're given a painful reminder how close Anthony is to being a worthless sack of protoplasm. But wait remember last episode when it didn't matter and Anthony needed to go back to the real world? Tonal dissonance, it's so harmonic friends.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 5 in total viewings

[Kara]

Y'all I shouldn't have complained about continuity so much, the last episode I watched went Earth-Two on my ass.

[Kara]

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING THEY'RE MAKING SHIT UP THAT HADN'T HAPPENED

THE

FUCK

IS

HAPPENING

THEY'RE

MAKING

SHIT

UP

THAT

HADN'T

HAPPENED

[pilonv1]

The breakdown is happening about 20 episodes before I expected it

[Brehvolution]

Thank you for doing this so I don't have to.

[Kara]

The breakdown is happening about 20 episodes before I expected it

My incredulity at them changing where Blossom went to high school and giving her a long-term boyfriend between episodes aside, a lot of my ranting is just Angry Video Game Nerd histrionics.

Seriously doe, I was already kind of concocting a cockamamie theory that much of this show is some St. Elsewhere shit and now it's gone Crisis on Infinite Earths on my ass or something. Joey is dressing like a reasonable human being now.

[Joe Molotov]

You need a Zelda Timeline chart to explain this with. Is this episode's Blossom the daughter of the Blossom and the chess nerd from the earlier episode?

[Kara]

Here's my theory so far.

Earth-0 Blossom (aka Ur-Blossom) - The Blossom from the pilot. Given that the pilot establishes she is somewhat disconnected from reality, I hypothesize that the other Blossoms are in fact figments of her imagination but as I am unable to substantiate this hypothesis and really it is more conjecture than hypothesis, I will treat the other Blossoms as existing on parallel Earths because that is the obvious, rational explanation.

Earth-1 Blossom - The Blossom who attends public high school and has divorced musicians for parents. Different from subsequent Blossoms in that she regularly assists an old lady whose existence is never explained or commented on with her groceries. Joey dresses outrageously on this Earth and Anthony is a sort of melancholic recovering addict.

Earth-2 Blossom - The Blossom who attends public high school, has divorced musicians for parents, but does not assist an old lady whose existence is never explained or commented on with her groceries. Joey dresses outrageously on this Earth and Anthony is a flippant recovering addict on this Earth. Additionally, Blossom regularly experiences celebrity hallucinations.

Earth-3 Blossom - The Blossom who attended private high school because her father didn't want her dating. Her parents are divorced musicians. She does not assist an old lady with her groceries on the reg. Joey dresses passably on this Earth but is still a fucking sex-obsessed moron. Anthony is also a moron but disdain for him is tempered by his melancholic humors. Blossom does not hallucinate on this Earth.

Earth-4 Blossom - The Blossom who had a long-term boyfriend who went off to college. Her parents are divorced musicians. She does not assist an old lady with her groceries on the reg. Joey dresses passably on this Earth but is still a fucking sex-obsessed moron. Anthony is also a moron but disdain for him is tempered by his melancholic humors. Six is a much more outgoing person on this Earth and Blossom is so disconnected from reality that she has dreams within dreams () on this Earth.

e: Adjusted the thread title to reflect this shocking realization.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's funny because the title is a reference to a comic book (Journey into Mystery) and comic books are fuckstupid with multiverses.

[close]

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 12 - "Crisis of Infinite Rebirths"

This episode opens with Blossom hallucinating. No big deal right?



OK, maybe it is a little weird.



Alright fine, fucking weird.



Did I mention all of this was a dream in a dream?

(BTW Blossom's response to this is rhetorically asking, "Why can't I have sex dreams like everybody else?" )

It only gets worse when Blossom rouses from her slumber. For example, a pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis is a running subplot.



Something is clearly very wrong.

And we find out what's wrong--the writers on this fucking show have gone and changed a fundamental component of the story on us between episodes.

(No it's not Joey dressing with a modicum of restraint.)





Up until now Blossom has attended what I presumed was a public high school, what with her being 14, asked to junior proms and what have you. Well in this episode she actually attends private high school. Because her father doesn't want her dating and is concerned he can't be a substantial enough parental figure on his own. (Know that feel Blossom.) Even though she's been dating all fucking season already.

Blossom wants to go to public high school even though she had been for 11 previous episodes. She doesn't just want to go because it's a coed public high school (she currently attends Sisters of the Chaste Heart or some bullshit), but also because she wants to be a musician. Wasn't she lying her way into musical composition classes a couple of episodes ago?

This leads to her engaging in Zack Morris schemes to get out of private school, which for those of you unfamiliar with the parochial educational system is actually a lot harder than you might think since your parents are paying customers. (Trust me I would know.)



Because of a timing difference between the public school she wants to attend and Sisters of the Chaste Heart, Blossom decides that she's going to spend the last 2 weeks of her summer vacation going to public school of her own volition so she can impress all her teachers who will write her letters of recommendation to give to her father. ("It'll be like 21 Jump Street but with less makeup," she says. )

This scheme comes to its Zack Morris conclusion when her music teacher who also happens to know her dad spots them at their monthly father-daughter dinner which has never been mentioned on the show until now and starts raving about what a great musician Blossom is while she hides underneath the table because Blossom couldn't lay out this massively scheme first.

I will spare everyone the gory details but after a tete-a-tete pops relents and allows Blossom to go to public school. Joey also passes the test he's been trying to avoid studying for all episode and thinks remembering facts you studied is actually cheating because suicide is painless and Anthony is revealed to be the pepperoni thief.

But just before the episode concludes Joey goes back to his old wardrobe.



"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 6 in total viewings

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 13 - "When a Manger Calls"

We might be on a parallel Earth where Joey has a reasonable wardrobe, but at least he's still an obnoxious pubescent teenager.



Speaking of fornication, a strange woman drops by the house insisting on an audience with pops who can't even remember her name. (Been there pops.) Despite being sent to her room Blossom eavesdrops on this conversation because her lack of moral fiber is a constant across the Blossom multiverse.



And it's a good thing she did because this evening caller drops a megaton: pops is going to be another pops.

(Joey's response to this? Taking pops aside and asking him, "Dad, didn't you use protection?" incredulously which gives pops the opportunity to teach his kids that no form of birth control is 100% effective. )



My thoughts exactly, Anthony.

Speaking of Anthony, he gets hooked up with a blind date with someone "normal," which given the trajectory of this show could mean anything from "actually normal" to "Lovecraftian horror." He spends the whole episode fretting about how he's going to talk about the last few years of his life, which is perfectly understandable assuming the Anthony on this Earth spent years of his life high and / or drunk.

(Anthony goes on his date, hates his date, she hates him, and he's really happy about this. Know that feel Anthony.)

Meanwhile Blossom on this Earth is clearly less of a feminist than she was on that other Earth because she does not trust this casual hook up as being anything other than someone looking for a meal ticket. Yeah, because a single dad who works grunt work in the music industry with 3 kids and a house is rolling in dough.

She trusts her so little that she gets Six to come with her to her place of employment which happens to be an upscale eatery neither of them can afford to eat at.



Blossom gets busted because she's a poor imitation of Zack Morris and she has to have a heart to heart with pops' recent fling about life because I live walking distance from train tracks that trains frequently go over.

In the end pops was not the father, BTW. Because this episode needed to send more problematic messages.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 6 in total viewings

[benjipwns]

(Joey's response to this? Taking pops aside and asking him, "Dad, didn't you use protection?" incredulously which gives pops the opportunity to teach his kids that no form of birth control is 100% effective. )

http://www.abstinence.net/
http://www.abstinenceassociation.org/

[Kara]

Season 1 Episode 14 - "The Agony of Deceit"

Season 1 is in the books.

Blossom wakes up upside down on her bed at the beginning of the episode. (Been there B.) I've got a bad feeling y'all.



Things only get worse downstairs.



It turns out my suspicions were correct. Blossom's fantasy about being on a date at the opening of the episode wasn't idle imagination, it was her imagining what her first date with her college boyfriend that's never been talked about for the entirety of this season will be like when he comes home on break.



(My thoughts exactly, pops.)

Pops is worried about Ricky Johnson coming home. Why? Because he had a high school girlfriend when he went away to college and he broke her heart by hooking up with someone else when he got there. (I for one am shocked by this revelation.)

Ricky shows up after Joey's baseball practice and confirms pops' suspicions.



(Love the threads BTW, Ricky. )

Apparently Ricky and Joey were bffs (it wasn't just awkward patriarchal institutions that prompted this meeting apparently) and Joey even introduced him to Blossom. This seems like a lot of important information that I hadn't been made privy too, Blossom.

Instead of calling her or sending her a letter Ricky decides to dump Blossom on their dinner date, which he does. Blossom has a mini-breakdown and understandably asks to go home but instead of going Full Karakand the next morning she puts on a stiff upper lip and fronts like this shit ain't no thing. Fuck y'all, I'm Earth-616 Blossom.

Pops is worried about her maladaptive behavior, but not enough to cancel his dinner date with Daphne from Frasier.



(Rub the salt in Frasier's epic choke in the Whitest Sitcom of the 90s competition, why don't you Blossom?)

Fortunately for everyone Earth-616 Daphne is fucking psycho and her date with pops is cut short so he can work his fatherly magic by getting Blossom to watch... The Way We Were with him. FUCK YOU BLOSSOM THIS JOURNEY DOESN'T NEED TO HIT ME WHERE IT HURTS TOO.



Lowlight of this episode: Anthony, in response to being denied the chance to get a checking account by pops because he wrote a lot of phony checks when he was an addict, "You bounce five thousand dollars of checks and all of a sudden you're a deadbeat!"

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 6 in total viewings

[Himu]

blossom was a laugh track show? why did i assume it was similar to the wonder years in terms of direction? blossom was that show white people would talk about but i didn't know anyone who watched it.