Journey into Mandark :noah - Karakand Watches Blossom

[Kara]

It's not REALLY laugh track-y, but it does have a few per ep.

BTW just started season 2. They Flanderized Blossom being hallucinatory. In ~10 minutes of episode maybe 1.4 of them have been "reality" on whichever Earth in the Blossomverse this is.

[chronovore]

It will become a cacophony

[chronovore]

(Image removed from quote.)

(Dream Sonny Bono (RIP) makes a joke about wanting to be a senator someday. GET IT Y'ALL. )

Anyway, Dream Sonny Bono busts Anthony and Blossom for stealing his music while panhandling and loots their meager alms as restitution. DMCA, it's so demonic friends.

My favorite bit in this thread is the meta narrative of you watching these, presumably illicit copies of Blossom, doing screen grabs and posting them, in the face of Dream Sonny Bono’s Ghost and his Mickey Mouse legislation.

[benjipwns]

 

[Kara]

My favorite bit in this thread is the meta narrative of you watching these, presumably illicit copies of Blossom, doing screen grabs and posting them, in the face of Dream Sonny Bono’s Ghost and his Mickey Mouse legislation.

Just wait until you realize "When a Manger Calls" is a triple pun.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Manger is supposed to remind you of Jesus in the manger at first, but manger also means "food" or "to eat" in French and the key scene of the episode is in a fancy restaurant.

It's so self-indulgent friends.

[close]

[pilonv1]

Icon karakand

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 1 - "L'enfer, c'est les autres personnages de fiction"

New season, new opening.



(I notice there's no more reference to the video journal from the pilot in it now. )

(But the episode opens with Blossom writing in her diary. )

Well technically Blossom is trying to write in her diary. What she wants to write about is very important but everyone in her family keeps barging in on her.



(Nice jorts, Joey. You trying to get on College Gameday when they're at an SEC game? )



(I'm not even going to touch that one, Anthony. )

But finally after telling everyone to FUCK OFF and locking her door, Blossom can get back to journaling. Journaling about the most important thing there is: boys.



Well not boys per se, a boy. Her long-term boyfriend. Did I mention that despite being 14 last season she's now studying for the SAT?

Who's her beau nouveau? Why it's the dreamboat from "Jung Love" that was supposed to be going to Arizona for prep school but then ended up tricking Blossom into going to the dance with His Royal Highness, the King of the Dorks in "Blessed are the geek: for they shall inherit the earth".

Really though should I be lamenting this situation?



(Sit-Up Camp for Shirtless Boys )

If you can turn off your libido after looking at that pic, I should mention that Blossom's proclivity for breaking with reality has now been Flanderized. Shit happens all the fucking time now.



Not only is it incessant, but it's obnoxious on top of that. For example, when thinking back on hanging out with Six the other day: "It was a day like any other, Six and I were discussing Existentialism." (They are BTW, and Blossom says "Sartre" with the voiced uvular fricative even though she was fucking awful at speaking French in "The Irrelevant Divorce". Did I mention that this fantasy compounds but in one of its latter incarnations Six sullenly chastises Blossom for kicking her out because Earth-2 Jimmy's come over by saying, "I'm good enough to talk to about Existentialism, but when it gets to the good stuff it's, 'Get out Six!'" )

The hallucinating reaches its nadir when during an argument about what exactly constitutes (intimate) second base, Reggie Jackson comes on the TV and defines baseball's second base.





(You and me both, girlfriend.)

I guess I should segue into what Blossom's been so desperate to journal about: her and Jimmy have been going out for months but just making out and Blossom thinks it might be time to move forward to getting felt up in the back of a Volkswagen.

idk what her fucking problem is tbh, who needs any more than this?



But because this episode is Rashomon by way of The Number 23, we're constantly strung along by what the particulars are of the night Blossom might have decided to go to second base. Just when we're finally going to get a payoff for all this fucking bullshit, the subplot about Anthony's earthquake anxiety interrupts when an honest to god "big one" hits the Southland.



After the big one, Blossom decides that she shouldn't commit to page what happened that night, rendering the entirety of this fucking episode particularly pointless. Imma 'bout to go Meursault up in this lich, B.

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 7 in total viewings

[Momo]

I warned you about them balls

[thisismyusername]

Unfortunately for Blossom that asshole was just hoodwinking her into going to the dance with this Greek god.

(Image removed from quote.)

Seriously, at one point this guy

(Image removed from quote.)

He's actually kinda adorable. Blossom doesn't know what she's missing.

(Image removed from quote.)

(Sit-Up Camp for Shirtless Boys )

If you can turn off your libido after looking at that pic,

Can't, sorry.

(This is the geek boy above? )

[Kara]

Nah, sorry.

------------------------

Changed the link in the title, forgot that that was the song I wanted to use.

[jakefromstatefarm]

Imma 'bout to go Meursault up in this lich, B.

About to?

[Kara]

About to?

Please, a woman loved that knickerbocker.

[Am_I_Anonymous]

Growing up, the one and only time I got into a physical altercation with my sister is when she would not turn this piece of shit show off.

[benjipwns]

Growing up, the one and only time I got into a physical altercation with my sister is when she would not turn this piece of shit show off.

Going to pretend Red Reddington actually made this post.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 2 - "All That Razz"

It's Blossom's 15th birthday. Did I mention that one of the gifts she receives is a glow in the dark watch even though she was rocking one in the previous episode while making out with Dreamboat Jimmy in the park?

Anyway, since it's her birthday that means she gets a visit from this pimple on the ass of humanity.



(Her maternal grandfather.)

Like his daughter, gramps is a deadbeat who strolls in and out of the lives of his family, which hurts them but they can't do anything to stop it. Also like his daughter he happens to be a musician. (A jazz one to be precise. At one point he talks about a jazz club in LA. Yeah like those exist. ) Did I mention he pisses in their bushes? His only redeeming quality is that he rustles pops' jimmies like they're fall leaves underfoot. Too bad he makes up for it by giving us 2 sex-based subplots, one of which involves trying to get Joey to lose his virginity (he also gives him a vintage smut mag) and the other that he and pops both lost their virginity to the same woman (many years apart, obviously).



But that's not the only new character introduced in this episode. I give you... TONI. (Not to be confused with Anthony, commonly known by the diminutive "Tony," even though every fucking character on this show does that. Did I mention Toni and Tony met in AA? )



Wait a minute, wasn't there a woman of color in episode 2 of season 1? I guess "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look."

Don't look so shocked BTW, Six. You live in the Valley, not Irvine.

This is a lot of change for me to handle. I need my constant. Joey where you at?







(What the fuck is up with the vest thing, BTW? Even Anthony gets in on this fucking bullshit. )



Eventually Blossom and a throw down with some sick ethers between gramps and pops convince gramps to stick around. I'm so excited for this fucking piece of shit to be a regular cast member. Did I mention that Blossom confronts gramps at his hotel room and a strange woman comes out of the shower while they're talking?

Oh and in a shocking twist we find out pops is a Raiders fan.



(RIP Al )

"Woahs" - 2 in episode, 9 in total viewings

[Momo]

When you look back on it, this is going to be the moment you identify as blackening your soul beyond repair.

[Kara]

In order for your soul to be blackened you have to have had one in the first place.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

spoiler (click to show/hide)

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

[close]

[close]

[El Babua]

Speaking of blackness, my browser starts fucking up every time I open this page and seemingly only this page.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

Most likely because my CPU can't handle these multiple realities coalescing. The only conceivable way to solve the issue might be developing a working, generally usable quantum computer.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

Season 2 Episode 2 - "All That Razz"

Don't look so shocked BTW, Six. You live in the Valley, not Irvine.

As of 2010 census, Irvine, California is minority white.



check your cac privilege

spoiler (click to show/hide)

I used to live in Irvine

[close]

[Am_I_Anonymous]

Growing up, the one and only time I got into a physical altercation with my sister is when she would not turn this piece of shit show off.

Going to pretend Red Reddington actually made this post.

[Yeti]

What does the "Alone" part of that graph signify, and why is Hispanic the only race that doesn't get an alone? 

[Great Rumbler]

What does the "Alone" part of that graph signify, and why is Hispanic the only race that doesn't get an alone? 

Forever alone.

[Kara]

Alone means not biracial.

All Hispanic people are considered mestizos for demographic purposes.

As all mestizos are technically biracial, they can't be monoracial for demographic purposes.

This has been your daily lesson in Nazi racial theory.

(In Huntington Beach there's a Speer and Heil street.)

Also Howard is now.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 3 - "Sex and Lying in High Society"

This episode opens with Anthony making the "this is your brain on drugs" joke that has blessedly been consigned to pop culture history.



I got a bad feeling about this episode.



Despite being obnoxiously homophobic, I didn't know gramps could be so tender.

I mean, I've really got a bad feeling about this episode.



I fucking knew it.

Confirming observation bias.

Sorry, so Blossom and Six find a joint on the bus during their ride home after school. Like any fucking worthless teenager in a sitcom, she decided to take it home with her despite living in a household acutely vigilant wrt drug use thanks to Anthony.

"It smells like Lincoln Logs in a pesto sauce," she tells Six after smelling it.

But before Six and Blossom can light up, pops party fouls and invites Blossom down to family dinner and a movie.



The reduction of the white nuclear family to a bunch of people who cohabitate and share processed food over mass media.

Did I mention that the family chooses to watch Midnight Express instead of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

For some incomprehensible reason, instead of leaving her joint in her room Blossom takes it down to TV dinner with the fam, and this being formulaic television it somehow falls out of her pocket and is of course discovered by Inspector Dad.



The evisceration of parental innocence.

For the rest of the episode pops does his best Hercule Poirot impression which involves harassing his unflinchingly sober son, his idiot son who thinks this is all about his "lucky" condom () and of course Blossom after using process of elimination.



At least SODA makes another appearance.



Bee, tea, double u Anthony, if you're trying to sell yourself as sober you should probably ixnay onway ethay idnightmay acksnay.

Did I mention pops has a hallucination about Blossom being a hardened stoner? I guess that shit is genetic.

As if this episode couldn't get any more pointless, it turns out that the joint was actually Joey's--to be more precise, someone had stashed it in his locker without his knowledge--this fucking family y'all.

Lowlight of the episode: pops cautioning his kids about smoking joints they found on public transportation in a major metropolitan area by saying, "It could have had crack or dust in it!"

"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 10 in total viewings

[benjipwns]

Lowlight of the episode: pops cautioning his kids about smoking joints they found on public transportation in a major metropolitan area by saying, "It could have had crack or dust in it!"

[Joe Molotov]

So basically, smoking weed is okay as long as you get it from a trusted sourced? Obama's America. 

[Yeti]

What happened to Six when Blossom went down to dinner? Did she just lurk around in Blossom's bedroom the whole time? It seems rude that they didn't invite her down.

[Kara]

What happened to Six when Blossom went down to dinner? Did she just lurk around in Blossom's bedroom the whole time? It seems rude that they didn't invite her down.

She was invited down but split because she didn't want to get busted by pops for having a joint. It was very awkward and suspicious.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 4 - "A Bande Depart"

Blossom and Six are going with the high school band to a competition in the Bay Area.



Dat location shot. I bet they walked over to the Full House set and lifted dis.

Their senior chaperone is a total Eddie Haskell type who shines pops on real good and he thinks they're going to go have a great, safe time because people in the band are (in the words of Joey) "all losers."



This image doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm talking about other than being from the scene where Blossom and Six leave on their sojourn, I just capped and posted it because it looks creepy as fuck out of context. (They were going for a Married With Children thing, pops even says, "I feel like Al Bundy," when the door closes. I guess Fox exists on whichever Earth this is in the Blossomverse.)

After settling in, Blossom and Six order up cereal and milk from room service because they're trying to be responsible and live within their means. But then they meet this fuckwit who teaches them the joys of credit.



When asked why he calls it the honor bar instead of the minibar he tells the gals, "Because we'd be honored if you'd help yourself."

So you're thinking our intrepid teens are going to take one-way ticket to Diabetic Coma City after making this discovery right? WRONG.



I'm starting to think Anthony's substance abuse problems are an inherited trait or the product of a poor household.

Things go from bad to worse here in Sin City, they order PPV pornography because why the fuck not and get up to other mischief because why the fuck not.



It's all good though. Everyone else in their marching band apparently does the same fucking shit and they lose their competition. The senior chaperone ends up naked in the hotel's fountain because if there's one thing this needed it was an implied drunk rape.

Godawful subplots:

• Everyone thinks Anthony is using again because he's acting a bit off. Turns out he's just smoking cigarettes. (He picked up the habit in AA trying after lying to a woman there about smoking to get some one on one time with her. This fucking family. )
• Gramps wants to get Joey a tattoo which pops will have none of because even pops has faint moments of passable parenting. Even though he basically calls pops for having an earring, gramps gets Joey's ear pierced instead because nothing says, "Nas lost," like projecting your homophobia onto your grandson.
• Everyone is convinced Will Smith is staying at their hotel. (Their senior chaperone who may or may not have been raped started the night out in the hotel bar looking for him. You have to endure Six singing the theme song to Fresh Prince. Etc.) Turns out he was actually staying there, what a shocker Mr. Chekhov. Do you happen to run a gun store too?

(He gives Blossom his hat because she has nothing for him to sign and thinks no one will believe she met him. And so the origin story of Blossom's penchant for gaudy headwear on whatever fucking Earth this is in the Blossomverse is told. )

At least Joey dressed like a fucking idiot this episode.





"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 10 in total viewings

[benjipwns]

Why would the hat be proof of meeting Will Smith?

We need to find the writers of these episodes and sign them up for The Bore.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And turn this into a show trial.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

literally

[close]

[close]

[Kara]

Funny you should mention that, Six doesn't believe Blossom when she tells her and shows the hat but then Will Smith walks by and goes, "Oh hey Blossom," and then they both shriek like banshees of myth because I need yet another reminder to myself that I've lived nothing but a life of regrets.

[benjipwns]

Dammit, the writers of Blossom have thought of everything!

[Momo]

I appreciate the songs you narrate these episode to

[Kara]

I appreciate the songs you narrate these episode to

The one for "Sex and Lying in High Society" was great because I could both reference the episode itself with the lyrical content (I think I linked a clean version of the song unfortunately, I'll go back and correct that) and warn you that the next episode would be even worse about this subject matter with the name of the song itself.

"Sex and Dying in High Society" (the basis for my name for the episode) is also on X's album Los Angeles, which is named for the same place where Blossom is set.

This shit is going to need an exegesis by the time I'm through with it.

[Great Rumbler]

I'm being serious here, Kara, you need to start a blog where you watch and comment on old dumb sitcoms.

[Kara]

  It's something I'll think about. A writeup a week wouldn't be too hard. Does Tumblr have character limits on their blog posts? I'm not using Blogspot / Wordpress in 2014.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 5 - "One Nation, Under Fraud"

Blossom is going to go to the movies with her best friend forever not named Six this afternoon. Her best friend forever not named Six is named Dennis (no relation to the beloved Bore poster and extra from Trainspotting) and we've never heard of him until now.

Unfortunately for everyone in the history of written word grandpa happens to be in the room. His response to hearing that Blossom has a close guy friend is to say he's clearly a fedo/r/a. Blossom asks him if he ever hung around with a woman that he didn't sleep with and his response after some contemplation is, "The only one was my second wife."



Yeah, you better hang your head you fucking pig.

This line gets a laugh track response BTW, because, you know, it's fucking hilarious am I right?

So anyway, Dennis finally shows up to spare us any more of grandpa's neanderthal views on the world.



Wait a fucking minute, that's Zorba the Geek from "Blessed are the geek: for they shall inherit the earth."

He cleans up pretty nice. thisismyusername was onto something I couldn't see myself.

At some undetermined point in time later, Six comes running over to Blossom's like the 4 Horsemen are hot on her heels. Why the rush, girlfriend? It's already too late to save Blossom from her questionable choices in accessorizing.



No, apparently Dennis spread a rumor that Blossom and he had sex in the balcony at the movie theater. Rare Studios level betrayalaton up in this lich, y'all.



Blossom is devastated by this situation. Apparently her and Dennis go way back. Like sandbox friends back.

At the behest of Six, she pretends to confront him like they're on an episode of Donahue but because we already had a Donahue hallucination we stay firmly in reality and Blossom yells at an empty chair.

On the upside, yelling like that got her worked up enough to give him a call and confront him. Unfortunately for her Dennis is a chickenshit and she gets his answering machine. She tells him to meet her at the drinking fountain before school tomorrow or else. (Good catch there Blossom, never record yourself making specific threats.)

Of course Dennis doesn't show. He doesn't even come to school that day. What happened to you, man? You used to be brave enough to call Blossom out on her bullshit but now you can't face your own firing squad? Wallflowers growing up into spineless cowards, smh.

He comes by later on after school and explains to Blossom the #struggle of being a teenage boy virgin and how this lead to him throwing years of friendship away for no good reason. Blossom tells him that it doesn't matter, they're through as friends. First Dennis says, "I did tell everyone you were the best I ever had," but then realizing this isn't helping the situation he goes I can still fix this Blossom if you give me a chance to. Blossom--having been thoroughly besmirched by this lie spreading like wildfire--is incredulous that anything can be done at this point.

Dennis shows her though, he says, "and I didn't have sex with Blossom Russo" over the PA in the middle of the Pledge of Allegiance the next morning.



Word of advice Earth-X Blossom, any time you think life has reached its worst it will always make you realize it can always get worse.

On a completely unrelated note, this episode utterly annihilated the judgment of the Bore. (Or whomever stuffed the ballot box.)





Wild & Crazy Kids represent.

Subplots that I will discuss when I next call a suicide prevention hotline:

• Grandpa is stir crazy and tries to get people to go to the nude bar with him.
• Joey cheats his way into AP English where the teach is, of fucking course, a pom who says such things as (in response to a question with an obvious answer), "Did Nietzsche exist?" In AP English Joey discovers that smart kids are really full of shit because they get to take open book tests and that they know that indexes exist as well as how to use them.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 10 in total viewings

[benjipwns]

It's something I'll think about. A writeup a week wouldn't be too hard. Does Tumblr have character limits on their blog posts? I'm not using Blogspot / Wordpress in 2014.

There is no character limit if you write your own things, when you do all that dumb asking and replying and crap there are limits apparently.

None of my posts are as long as yours would be though. 

[Kara]

Then after this it looks like I'm on to Tumblring.

I better squat iwatchsitcoms.tumblr.com now.

Eviscerating bourgeois entertainment, episode by episode, where no one will read it.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 6 - "seaofloveQuest DSV"

Blossom is lovesick.



And not for that stud muffin in "L'enfer, c'est les autres personnages de fiction" either.

No, Blossom is crushing on Steve Warner, who like everything else in this fucking show has never been mentioned once previously. Pops tells Blossom that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment because he's about being dumped last night but Blossom will hear none of it. This is love at first sight.

Anthony is staring down his final exam before he gets his EMT certification. Toni is here for moral support.



That's consecutive episodes with minority representation, when is the Bore going to cop to on this one?

Joey has a crisis of his own, a pimple may or may not be growing on his forehead.



GOD WHY. WHY.

Despite it being love at first sight, the object of Blossom's desires asks Six out instead of Blossom. Blossom takes this all in stride.



Did I mention that Steve Warner is actually Lucas fucking Wolenczak?



In case my sarcasm wasn't obvious enough, Blossom doesn't actually take this very well. She doesn't even tell Six that Steve Wolenczak was really in love with her. Instead she displaces and has a huge caremad fight with Six about clothes she's lent her and tells her to fuck off.

Meanwhile Anthony passes his EMT exam. To be precise, he finished in the top 10% of his class.

Unfortunately for Anthony when hiring for EMTs employers tend to ask questions like "Do you have a drinking problem?" and "Have you ever used illegal drugs?" or "Have you ever been arrested?" At no point did Anthony consider that this might be an issue for his chosen career path. I guess he thought this was America or something.

Luckily for Anthony Toni has been down this road before herself. What does she tell him to do? Lie about his past because that's what people want to hear and people only care about what they want to hear, not the truth. Her logic is sound, captain. Of course Captain Dipshit (a.k.a. pops) tells Anthony to be honest because it's the right thing to do.

So Anthony goes to his interview.



Breh get a tailor. Those shoulders.

Anyway, his prospective employer asks him why he left the doughnut shop he worked at in prior episodes in a rare moment of respect for continuity and Anthony responds that he'd, "seen enough doughnuts. [His] eyes were starting to glaze over."



Apprently Anthony's prospective employer really hates puns which means not only will I never be an EMT on whatever Earth this is in the Blossomverse, but Anthony has to go and make a litany of puns for the remainder of the scene because sitcom stands for situation comedy (heavy emphasis on the situation, little to any on the comedy).

In the end Anthony decided to tell the truth. Luckily for him his prospective employer has been on the wagon for 20 years himself and completely understands the #struggle. Does pops congratulate his son on doing the right thing? No he collects the payout on the wager he made with Toni instead. Gamble on the future of your children y'all.



Unlike Anthony Blossom doesn't really tell the truth when she buries the hatchet with Six. Instead of saying her love for Steve Warner was unrequited, she says her love for Ira Noonan was unrequited. Apparently the Irish didn't just pick up corned beef from the Jews on this Earth in the Blossomverse.



"Woahs" - 1 in episode, 11 in total viewings

[benjipwns]

I want to direct, I want to be part of something creative, something with quality. My biggest fear as an actor is being involved in something mediocre, or being mediocre myself. I've taken classes on screen-writing and, of course, I read a lot of scripts. Writing is what I'd really like to move towards. Right now, though, it just doesn't pay the mortgage.

I want to be remembered as an actor who put in some good work in the beginning of his career, even better work at the end of his career and slowly, successfully made the transition into writing and directing.

[Yeti]

Season 2 Episode 6 - "seaofloveQuest DSV"

That's consecutive episodes with minority representation, when is the Bore going to cop to on this one?

Don't blame me, I voted for Full House.

[Kara]

Commentary: "seaofloveQuest DSV"

spoiler (click to show/hide)

The thematic arc of this episode is that (to indulge in clichéd phrasing) the measure of someone is how they handle difficult situations.

Anthony despairs at first when he realizes it's more than a remote possibility he'll never be an EMT because he as a young man despite his capabilities. At one point in the episode he even decides to just not bother filling out his job applications because it's pointless. In the end however, and despite not really knowing why he's bothering, he makes a legitimate attempt to better himself and when faced with the chance to take a shortcut on the (again with the clichéd phrasing I’m sorry) road to doing so, he decides it's just not worth it and "does the right thing."

On the other end of the spectrum, when Blossom is presented with the chance to "do the right thing" and tell Six why she was really such a fucking asshole to her for most of the episode, she doesn't do so and lies instead. On some level we can relate to her choice, and not simply because she's a dumb kid. While it's probably just some Judy Blume horseshit, Six is really head over heels for Mr. seaQuest and Blossom doesn't want to darken that by making Six aware of the fact that the cost of her happiness is her own heartache--zero-sum gaming, it’s so demonic friends --that I'm sure will be ameliorated in the next episode I watch when she's chasing after some other fucking guy I’ve never heard of on some other Earth.

I linked my second Dawn of War clip in these synopses. They have a thematic connection that centers on what they call "exterminatus" in-universe but you or I would just call "mass murder" or “genocide” because we don't live in a grimdark fictional universe but rather just a grimark nonfictional one.

The first clip (cf. "Blood for the Blood God") is of the big bad of 4 of the Dawn of War games laying out the nihilistic lunacy of his cockamamie grand scheme that's taken numerous games to put together. He deliberately engineered conditions that would cause the genocide of an entire solar system simply because the god he worships would enjoy it. I linked this clip because of the cheap blood connection, but also because for the overwhelming majority of us puberty is something that just happens whether we want it to or not, much as the poor souls of Subsector Aurelia would be wiped out whether they wanted to be or not. (The villain even says as much. “In mere hours, billions will die. Innocent! Guilty! Strong and weak! Honest and deceitful! ALL of them!”) The Bloodfather works in mysterious ways, y’all.

The second clip has a bunch of emosad stuff (exacerbated by the Wolf’s Rain OST dub ) you need not concern yourselves with. Rather, I chose it because it deals with doing what you think is the right thing in a tough situation but it’s actually not. The “hero” of this scene was once presented with a tough situation and he chose the incomprehensibly gruesome but easy way out of it and is unwavering in his certainty that this was the right decision.

In actuality this action caused an irreparable rift between his closest friend (the villain in the scene) and him that was later exploited by an even more villainous villain to free a fucking demon from (for lack of a term you would understand without a Lexicanum bookmark in your browser of choice) Hell. Did I mention that this demon then goes on to further corrupt his already corrupt boss who is the batshit fucking insane breh in the clip from “Blood for the Blood God?”

Oh hey, your past catching up with you, where have I seen that in Blossom?

Oh hey, creating a rift between your closest friend and you with your actions, where have I seen that in Blossom?

“You were great once before doubt addled your will. Before you rendered judgment on Cyrene. Before you murdered the innocent and guilty, all in one stroke! You weak, sorry fool! How does it feel to have slain millions, to have betrayed your own family?” Oh hey, where have I seen that in a synopsis for an episode of Blossom?

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Kill me.

[close]

[close]

[thisismyusername]

He cleans up pretty nice. thisismyusername was onto something I couldn't see myself. (Image removed from quote.)

Told you. Too many "I was a nerd, now I'm hot." Ricki Lake and Montel, Maury episodes.

[Kara]

I'll finally be able to get back to this now.

On a more business note, season 2 will be the last one I watch exclusively for the Bore. I will be crossposting to whatever I call my tumblr beginning with season 3. I imagine this may change the dynamic of my synopses slightly.

[bluemax]

This thread has made me check this forum far more often.

[pilonv1]

I imagine this may change the dynamic of my synopses slightly.

I hope not, this is my favourite thread in years

[Kara]

I bet you say that to all the self-flagellating posters.

Really the only changes I can see are: no more Coli smilies (unless I can upload a smiley compilation to my tumblr) and no spoiler tag humor... sorry, "humor." I haven't ever used the platform so I really don't know how much won't translate from here to there so I just thought I'd be upfront with the silent consumers.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And also to give you a reason to keep reading season 2.

[close]

BTW the last episode I watched had Blossom being good with reviewing financial records.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 7 - "First As Tragedy, Then As Marse"

There are a lot of plot threads in this episode. Shit's like Wanted's Loom of Fate outchea.

Anyway, let's start with one of the principal ones: Joey comes home from a house party with his bro Frankie who took a dive into a pool from the roof of the house or some such idiocy.



What a fuck up, am I right y'all?



(BTW, I should mention that Frankie strolls around the house in his skivvies for a period of time that is not insignificant and it doesn't really seem to be an issue. Modern family y'all.)

You may have noticed that water bottle in Frankie's hand--that's not to hydrate after a night of hard partying to stave off the onset of a hangover, that's a fucking nightcap. Party hard Frankie.

Anthony is the one who figures this out, when he comes into the kitchen after receiving no useful advice from pops or Blossom about whether it's ethical or not for him to ask out a woman his ambulance aided earlier in the day () he notices Frankie's... demeanor, grabs the water bottle, sniffs it and calls his shot--Smirnoff, red label, 80 proof.

Anthony, I've drunk a lot of vodka in my life and your Babe Ruthing on this one kind of pushes my suspension of disbelief beyond the breaking point, which is saying a lot since this fucking show has more continuity problems than the DC multiverse pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Also, seriously dude, what the fuck is up with the vests?



Anthony approaches Joey about his friend's problem but Joey doesn't want to hear about it. Frankie is going through a rough time in his life, problems at home, quit the baseball team, and so on. Plus Frankie was there for Joey when Anthony checked out on life for a couple of years, so who the fuck is Anthony to try and help now? Cast thy burdens on the fnord, y'all; you can't carry beef like this forever.

ELSEWHERE IN THE BLOSSOMVERSE...

Blossom decides that she doesn't have a family, just a bunch of blood relations who domicile together and pass each other like ships in the night so she asks pops for quality time.



But wait, wasn't it established in a prior episode than Blossom and pops have dinner together every month as a regular thing? This fucking show.

After some cajoling, pops agrees to take the day off and play hookie with Blossom. Pops you realize this is the only one of your kids who has a realistic shot to achieve, right?

Their first stop? The movies! Really going all out here, you two.

But, as if indulging Blossom's disrespect for continuity wasn't enough, pops decides it'll be even cooler if they sneak into another movie after the one they paid for concludes.



Unfortunately for them, this establishment employs a PROFESSIONAL USHER who spots the Tortious and the What the Hell is that Hair getting up to no good.



This professional usher isn't really much of a professional though, he turns around to get the manager and pops and Blossom scram like Shaggy and Scooby because enough bad lessons haven't been imparted already.



BTW, Blossom and pops follow up double dipping at the duplex with dinner at a fancy restaurant... where they proceed to only order desserts instead of a full dinner.

While resting on their laurels laughing it up, one of Blossom's teachers happens to come into the restaurant.

Thankfully for Blossom, the Blossomverse is an amoral one of meaningless bonds of fealty and her teacher is having romantic dinner with a man who isn't her husband.



(Blossom is a fucking asshole and asks her teacher what grade she got on the quiz in class she missed today to which her teacher replies, "100%," knowing that she's been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.)

BACK IN SUBURBIA...

Frankie comes by the house to go to the batting cages with Joey. When Joey goes to get his stuff, we find out that Anthony was in fact right and Joey was letting his cloud his reason.



This scene is actually mildly harrowing (by Blossom standards), not only does Joey realize he's lost another "brother" (during a fight with Anthony he identified him as being the brother Anthony wasn't when he was living inside a bottle) but you see how fucking worthless Frankie has become. He waxes nostalgic about some great game the two of them played an eternity ago and starts swinging his bat drunkenly in the living room. Joey eventually has to snatch the bat away from him and kick him out.

Oh yeah, all episode Tommy fucking Newsom (RIP) was trying to get a hold of pops to fill in on the Tonight Show but since pops was playing hookie with Blossom he never got the message. (Cellphone free is not the way to be, friends.)



Luckily for pops, Buzz is there to not let his big break go to waste.



It's alright, pops, I'm sure you'll get another shot at performing on a prestigious network program.



"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 11 in total viewings

[toku]

That sounded kinda fucking bleak. Everyone lost except for Blossom who did some questionable shit to get a passing grade? Their father is failing them. At least Joey hasn't found the bottle yet.

[pilonv1]

omg I thought you were dead

[Kara]

omg I thought you were dead

Even a man who has nothing can still offer his life.

[bluemax]

Da best.

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 8 - "Arbeit macht Faselei"

Joey dented pops' hooptie. Again.



Pops has had it with this shit.  Joey has until this afternoon to get a job so he can cover the difference in his insurance premium this latest accident will cause. Ah, the days when America didn't have crippling structural unemployment. (If you're experiencing deja vu, I said the same thing when pops demanded Anthony get a job by the end of the week. Give your minor child who just dented your car more ridiculous standards than your adult child who went to jail y'all.)



Joey pounds the pavement to no avail (I guess it's become Obama's America since Anthony was looking for work while being homeless) and ends up at a hole in the wall taqueria to interview for a janitorial job that pays $2 an hour after taxes looking like this.



Ah, the days when people weren't turned away from work because they were overqualified.

Frankly, Joey is a little skittish about taking the gig--even with an edict issued by the Synod of Dad--since it's fucking awful work, that is until he finds out who his coworkers will be.



Since Joey can't think with anything but his penis, he natch takes the job.

There's only uno problemo, Joey's new coworker doesn't speak English, which kind of puts a kink in his whole plan to get the job just so he can ask her out.

Not to worry though, Blossom is here to help.






Blossom's Spanish is pretty good, tbh. Gringa, but not gringa. But wait a minute, wasn't she studying French in a prior episode and #struggling with that?



Shit doesn't make sense to me either, Joey.

The thrilling conclusion of this storyline?



No, it's not that teenage hormones can break through the language barrier (apologies for the lyrics in this one) you fucking well-adjusted asshole.

It's that she just couldn't speak English, she understands it just fine.



Vas a morir, but hopefully not before I do.

BTW, other shit happened in this episode. Shit like finding out how Six has such nice sleeping arrangements when she crashes at Russos.



(You can tell I've never had a bed with a spring box mattress.)

SPEAKING OF SIX, her parents--who I am still unsure even exist since they've never shown up in this show once and gave their daughter a digit as her legal first name--are on the skids. Since Six is rendered a bit rudderless by this, she just spends 24/7 at the Russos doing all manner of things, for example learning how to make an Old Fashioned from Anthony.



Catholic priests give advice on sex, why can't teetotalers teach minors how to tend bar?

(I stole this joke from the episode, FYI. I regret nothing. Well except the totality of my life up until this point, but let's stay on topic.)

Six goes through a crash course in the stages of grief during all this, but when her pops who may or may not actually exist finally moves out the house she can't really be a Wet Egyptian anymore.



Nothing beside remains: round the decay of that colossal wreck you called your parents' marriage, girlfriend. Welcome to the cacverse, it fucking sucks.



One last thing, Anthony saved a famous eurotrash photographer who promised him a family portrait. I'm not even going to write this fucking bullshit up, just enjoy the beautiful bean footage.






OK, sorry, I lied, I will write one thing up about this scene. Sergio (that's the eurotrash photographer) is queried by Blossom, "Are you going to use that camera?" (Sergio is mailing this in and using a Polaroid.) And Sergio shoots back, "Are you going to wear that hat?" Somebody better call the fire department because Blossom just got burned.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 11 in total viewings

[thisismyusername]

I will write one thing up about this scene. Sergio (that's the eurotrash photographer) is queried by Blossom, "Are you going to use that camera?" (Sergio is mailing this in and using a Polaroid.) And Sergio shoots back, "Are you going to wear that hat?" Somebody better call the fire department because Blossom just got burned.

#AllThatShade

[Kara]

Season 2 Episode 9 - La vida es corpiño

Blossom is sick.



Pops got it covered doe, he rented her a bunch of VHS tapes to watch while she's home alone.



"When I get back I'm going to make you some chicken soup. How does that sound?" asks Pops.

"Jewish," replies Blossom.

Anyway, Blossom hallucinates for the rest of the episode. But in a SHOCKING TWIST, the hallucination is explained for once (delirium).



She's a fucking asshole megaceleb musician in this 20 minute hallucination, FYI. :freud:



Pops is her manager and dad.



Joey is a hanger-on trying to get his own break.



Phil Donahue is Phil Donahue.



I haven't seen this many stars since the last time I got punched in the face.











Blossom is also dating Carl Jenkins or something.




He gets her to fire her pops as her manager, BTW. (She replaces him with Don King.)



It's cool doe, he eventually browbeats her into taking him back--he just has to pretend to be Don King.



I really wish there was more to share but this episode was pointless to the point that I honestly expected Richard Osman to have an existential crisis at some point. (Point.)



That's the bottom line.

"Woahs" - 0 in episode, 11 in total viewings

[bluemax]

Jere Burns has always had amazing hair.

[pilonv1]

I watched some sitcom with Jere Burns on afternoon TV here about a decade ago called Good Morning Miami, it was still probably better than Blossom

[Kara]

Karakand, this is idiotic. You're just bone and meat, like all the rest.

Can't believe you've powered through this far. Are you a masochist?

Only in death does duty end.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's a possibility that I conceal masochism within this shell, or I could be displaying how much I dislike the ephemeral bonds of modernity by engaging in Diogenic behavior--perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now, from deep within the flow of Blossom episodes.

[close]

[Joe Molotov]

Karakand, this is idiotic. You're just bone and meat, like all the rest.

Can't believe you've powered through this far. Are you a masochist?

Only in death does duty end.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's a possibility that I conceal masochism within this shell, or I could be displaying how much I dislike the ephemeral bonds of modernity by engaging in Diogenic behavior--perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now, from deep within the flow of Blossom episodes.

[close]

Even in death, you'll still serve.