Not only got my phone's screen fixed today, but also finished the reinstall of OS X on my early 2009 iMac!
Apple's odd network prioritization meant that purchasing iCloud and backing up photos took FOUR DAYS. Not a joke, four days, real time. After the first day, I looked into if this was normal -- turns out many customers complaining about it. Second day, I call a friend there, and they confirmed that it's slow. "Just wait." It strikes me as odd, because iTunes' download speeds are INSANELY fast.
I could bore you with the remaining days of troubles encountered during this reinstallation, but I'll instead report that the machine feels about as peppy now as it did when I bought it. I thought that the OS was trying to do more, and taking more and more memory, but with Mavericks freshly installed, it is full of pep.
Whatever the most recent version is, where it's macOS now, won't run on this thing, it's so old. So at least I don't have to worry about further upgrades. This is it until it dies.