Anyone have experience with family estrangement?

[Himu]

As in, not allowing family to contact you because they continuously hurt you, stuff like that?

[lennedsay]

Unless they make a major change, its sometimes for the best. Some people change but many won't. If they won't stop hurting you emotionally, it's not worth it.

Hang in there sis.

[Himu]

Was threatened to be beaten by my own parent for reasons I don't understand. I'm just really confused also scared. don't think I will be coming to Christmas this year

[Human Snorenado]

I don't talk to my sister.

Ultimately, do what's healthy for you. If they don't want to be a positive (or at least NON-NEGATIVE) part of your life, they don't get to be a part of it at all, is how I run things.

Are you still living at home though, or did I miss you moving out?

[Phoenix Dark]

Was threatened to be beaten by my own parent for reasons I don't understand. I'm just really confused also scared. don't think I will be coming to Christmas this year

wait what?!

[lennedsay]

Was threatened to be beaten by my own parent for reasons I don't understand. I'm just really confused also scared. don't think I will be coming to Christmas this year

They probably also don't understand and anger is the only emotion they can muster up. I know its hard for the older generations to accept that their kids might grow up and not marry the opposite gender, have 3 kids and a white picket fence. They have probably never met (or realized they met) anyone transgendered before. They need to be educated, but they aren't going to take the time to do so if they're still so angry about it. Sometimes you have this idea of what your kids will be like, and some people go through a grieving process for that idea/image if their kids end up different than they imagined.

I would definitely keep my distance for safety reasons, but I don't know if I would disallow contact. People do change, realize they've made mistakes, or learn how to build a new relationship with their REAL child vs the child they wanted. We just have straight up assholes in our family, just hateful all the time just because. But I would bet that your parents and family are dealing with a whole slew of issues related to your transition. It's a very personal subject for you, but its also going to become a personal subject for everyone in your family as they take in this information and figure out how they're going to process and handle it. If you withdraw and cut contact, you're making that choice for them if they're going to accept you or not.

With that said, I, or most anyone, wouldn't at all blame you for never speaking to any of them again. That's such a hard call, and its one only you can do. You've mentioned before that they weren't being supportive.

[chronovore]

All of that, plus you don’t have to decide “never” right now, or you decide on never and then change your mind. As Lennesday says, it’s your safety and well-being, including mental well-being, which must be at the center of your priorities.

[Himu]

Still live at home but I mostly stay with my bf these days. I haven't told him yet because my family isn't the most accepting of people and refuse to accept that their son is a cheeseburger who likes men and I don't know how he will react

Was threatened to be beaten by my own parent for reasons I don't understand. I'm just really confused also scared. don't think I will be coming to Christmas this year

wait what?!

Not the first time. I haven't beaten since I was a kid, though. The last time before this I was threatened he got in my face and grabbed my shirt, he didn't end up doing anything that time. But this time I guess I just realized I can have a better life than this and that it's wrong. These two cases were over the same thing too: religion.

[lennedsay]

All of that, plus you don’t have to decide “never” right now, or you decide on never and then change your mind. As Lennesday says, it’s your safety and well-being, including mental well-being, which must be at the center of your priorities.

Yes, what Chrono says. What I've found is that the whole estrangement is a process and it changes. Even if they never change, your views will fluctuate because you're a human being with feelings and emotions. (They're human status is up in the air.) Sometimes you'll feel mad, sometimes sad, sometimes guilty, sometimes hopeful, and it'll change throughout the year.

The main thing is to not take their shit or they won't have learned anything, other than you'll eventually put up with their shit even if you say you won't. They say something rude, tell them its unacceptable. If they do it again, tell them bye and leave/hang up. It will feel like a huge cycle of shit but its better than the cycle of shit that you will deal with if you give into them. Establish boundaries and if they don't like it, they don't have to be around you. It is seriously like dealing with kids, because that's pretty much what they're acting like.

[G The Resurrected]

I'm still estranged to my fathers family for the most part. He and I will never see things eye to eye and it doesn't help that all of his family thinks that my mother was a piece of shit for taking me out of a violent/unstable home. It's always lovely to have conversations that begin with "Do you remember when your mother brain washed you?." I was old enough to understand what was going on and I made a conscious decision to not talk to my father till such time that I thought he wouldn't hurt me.

That period lasted for more than 10 years. After which time my father grew up a little and realized a few things. It doesn't help that he didn't man up to his faults earlier and fix things between his/my family and me. It wasn't till after my mothers passing that I started to reach out to them and try and rebuild relationships with them. It's been rough and I think with time things might get better.

Till you know for sure that your family has grown to accept you for who you are. I'd suggest falling off the face of the earth for a while. Let them think on how they treated you and let that sink in. Time heals most wounds and when they realize that it's slipping away from them they might grow to love you for who you truly are.

I'm so sorry that you've been going through this, we're all here for you though. We accept you and appreciate you for who you truly are, and that awesome person is doing awesome things with their life regardless of what the world thinks of them. I hope in time that all these wounds heal for you.

 

[Phoenix Dark]

Still live at home but I mostly stay with my bf these days. I haven't told him yet because my family isn't the most accepting of people and refuse to accept that their son is a cheeseburger who likes men and I don't know how he will react

Was threatened to be beaten by my own parent for reasons I don't understand. I'm just really confused also scared. don't think I will be coming to Christmas this year

wait what?!

Not the first time. I haven't beaten since I was a kid, though. The last time before this I was threatened he got in my face and grabbed my shirt, he didn't end up doing anything that time. But this time I guess I just realized I can have a better life than this and that it's wrong. These two cases were over the same thing too: religion.

Did they try to make you go to church or something?

If you can, I'd move out as soon as possible. You don't want to do it prematurely though; if you can't make the move, don't - you want to get this right financially and not have to worry. I wouldn't rely on the bf tbh. I'm sure he's a cool dude, I just don't think you should risk things going bad and then not having a place to stay. Once everything is settled and you have the power/money to move, do so and never look back.

Any father who physically threatens his child like this is a piece of shit.

[Himu]

They haven't tried to make me go to church to cure myself. They consider me an embarassment and lost cause. I want to move out but that means less money saved up in the long run.

[Cheddahz]

They haven't tried to make me go to church to cure myself. They consider me an embarassment and lost cause. I want to move out but that means less money saved up in the long run.

Your happiness and sanity are much more important than having less money saved up in the long run

Seriously, whenever you're able to, move out and get away from your parents. The fact they consider you an "embarrassment" is disgusting and just remember that all of us are here for you

[Himu]

Sure but I'm strapped to student loan debt, so I'm fucked with happiness either way. So I need money. Sucks but money is what the world revolves around.

[I'm a Puppy!]

when are you moving to LA? That seems like an important step.

[nachobro]

I didn't talk to my dad for about 7 years. It helped that I moved across the country for college as soon as I graduated from high school, like...the day after haha.

[huckleberry]

Haven't spoken to my father since 1998. He has never seen his grandchildren and never will.

You make the bed you lie in.

[Am_I_Anonymous]

Queen....a lot of things can be cured by time apart. Get out of there for a while and see what happens in a few months. Sorry to hear this.

[brawndolicious]

You're still trying to figure out a lot of things about yourself and staying around people who don't accept you will hold you back. Either they'll change or they won't but spending time around them now will make it a slow, painful battle and neither of you will ever forgive each other.

If it's possible, move out and make some space as in the long-term you'll end up with more time to focus on the healthy relationships you have and your parents can eventually sift through their own feelings on what they'll accept about you.

[Positive Touch]

come to st Louis and you can eat Italian cookies and play smash bros with us

[Tasty]

Himu

[Himu]

Sitting here at work, not sure if I'm going to go home tonight. What are things to do on Christmas if you have anyone to celebrate it with? Go to the movies and eat Chinese food I guess?

[Am_I_Anonymous]

Sitting here at work, not sure if I'm going to go home tonight. What are things to do on Christmas if you have anyone to celebrate it with? Go to the movies and eat Chinese food I guess?

 

Wished you lived out my way. You'd be more than welcome to have dinner with my family. Watch out for my daughter though, she'd ask you a million things about hair products.

[Himu]

I can talk about hair products all day so that's okay.

I honestly don't have too much of a problem with extended family, so why do I not want to see them as well? Feels unfair, and also petty, but I don't give a shit. Makes me feel selfish. But I don't want to be around family at all right now. It feels like I'm forcing the estrangement rather than the family. But I don't give a fuck. I don't feel comfortable around them.

[Am_I_Anonymous]

I can talk about hair products all day so that's okay.

I honestly don't have too much of a problem with extended family, so why do I not want to see them as well? Feels unfair, and also petty, but I don't give a shit. Makes me feel selfish. But I don't want to be around family at all right now. It feels like I'm forcing the estrangement rather than the family. But I don't give a fuck. I don't feel comfortable around them.

You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you need a few days away, take them. It's a big city you're in right (Houston??) so I'm sure there is a cheap place you can rent out for a day or two while you wrap your head around a solution to this issue. Again, I'm sorry for your struggle Himu, you're one of the good ones.

Edit: Perhaps an uncle or aunt or even cousin could let you stay for a few days. Perhaps one not hosting a party? just a thought.

[Himu]

In our family everyone comes for Christmas/holiday dinner.

And I can't be "one of the good ones" if I'm going to knowingly and actively harm my family by not attending Christmas.

[Am_I_Anonymous]

In our family everyone comes for Christmas/holiday dinner.

Right, so I'm saying perhaps you just stay at a family members  house and skip the party.

[Himu]

I don't want to see them or cause a further rift. I will stay in a hotel. If my guy were not out of state for Christmas, this wouldn't be an issue. I wish I took him up on his offer.

[kick51]

Sitting here at work, not sure if I'm going to go home tonight. What are things to do on Christmas if you have anyone to celebrate it with? Go to the movies and eat Chinese food I guess?

yes, that's aka the jewish christmas celebration

[Phoenix Dark]

Are there any LGBTQ shelters or anything like that in the area? Maybe you could volunteer at one, help out some folks and meet cool people? I'm thinking about doing something similar at a homeless shelter for a few hours. I don't feel like spending the entire day at my parents' house. My grandparents and uncle not being there really makes me want to do other stuff.

[Madrun Badrun]

Sitting here at work, not sure if I'm going to go home tonight. What are things to do on Christmas if you have anyone to celebrate it with? Go to the movies and eat Chinese food I guess?

yes, that's aka the jewish christmas celebration

I'm switching out the movie with playing Dragon Age for 12 hours.  Best Jewish xmas ever. 

[Himu]

Are there any LGBTQ shelters or anything like that in the area? Maybe you could volunteer at one, help out some folks and meet cool people? I'm thinking about doing something similar at a homeless shelter for a few hours. I don't feel like spending the entire day at my parents' house. My grandparents and uncle not being there really makes me want to do other stuff.

i found some things, yeah

[nudemacusers]

i know dan savage is a bit of an asshole at times, but he says something that has resonated with me ever since I heard it:

The only leverage you have is your presence in their lives.

now i'm not gay (nojokespls) or anything of that nature, but at one point, about 7 or so years ago, I came to a fork in the road as to whether or not I keep the insanity/drama in my life or just cut clean. I chose the latter. It's also worth admitting my family was not 100% fucked up across the board, and some distant relatives are good people, but I had to essentially throw out some of the good with the bad to keep my head straight. and that's not because they didn't like me, but because the whole thing was just a toxic black hole I had to flee from.

I don't want to see them or cause a further rift. I will stay in a hotel. If my guy were not out of state for Christmas, this wouldn't be an issue. I wish I took him up on his offer.

what was his offer? spend xmas with him and his? in the future, just bail on your family 100%. fuck em. you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this as an adult. they other come around or they don't.

[Phoenix Dark]

Cool. I brought up LGBTQ shelters simply because last year my brother (who is gay) volunteered at a church shelter and was treated poorly. He's the type to bull through shit like that, so he stayed as long as possible to piss off the religious folks who didn't want him there lol. But I'd imagine not everyone would want to deal with that. a LGBTQ shelter would no doubt be more tolerant.

[Himu]

i know dan savage is a bit of an asshole at times, but he says something that has resonated with me ever since I heard it:

The only leverage you have is your presence in their lives.

now i'm not gay (nojokespls) or anything of that nature, but at one point, about 7 or so years ago, I came to a fork in the road as to whether or not I keep the insanity/drama in my life or just cut clean. I chose the latter. It's also worth admitting my family was not 100% fucked up across the board, and some distant relatives are good people, but I had to essentially throw out some of the good with the bad to keep my head straight. and that's not because they didn't like me, but because the whole thing was just a toxic black hole I had to flee from.

I don't want to see them or cause a further rift. I will stay in a hotel. If my guy were not out of state for Christmas, this wouldn't be an issue. I wish I took him up on his offer.

what was his offer? spend xmas with him and his? in the future, just bail on your family 100%. fuck em. you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this as an adult. they other come around or they don't.

that i go to louisiana with him for christmas and i meet his family. i guess my self esteem is so low i don't i feel like i was worth meeting his family, at the time.

[Himu]

Cool. I brought up LGBTQ shelters simply because last year my brother (who is gay) volunteered at a church shelter and was treated poorly. He's the type to bull through shit like that, so he stayed as long as possible to piss off the religious folks who didn't want him there lol. But I'd imagine not everyone would want to deal with that. a LGBTQ shelter would no doubt be more tolerant.

there's a church in the lgbt district that i plan on visiting

[nudemacusers]

i know dan savage is a bit of an asshole at times, but he says something that has resonated with me ever since I heard it:

The only leverage you have is your presence in their lives.

now i'm not gay (nojokespls) or anything of that nature, but at one point, about 7 or so years ago, I came to a fork in the road as to whether or not I keep the insanity/drama in my life or just cut clean. I chose the latter. It's also worth admitting my family was not 100% fucked up across the board, and some distant relatives are good people, but I had to essentially throw out some of the good with the bad to keep my head straight. and that's not because they didn't like me, but because the whole thing was just a toxic black hole I had to flee from.

I don't want to see them or cause a further rift. I will stay in a hotel. If my guy were not out of state for Christmas, this wouldn't be an issue. I wish I took him up on his offer.

what was his offer? spend xmas with him and his? in the future, just bail on your family 100%. fuck em. you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this as an adult. they other come around or they don't.

that i go to louisiana with him for christmas and i meet his family. i guess my self esteem is so low i don't i feel like i was worth meeting his family, at the time.

stop thinking that way. he felt you were worth enough, so you are. despite your experience with your family, there are legitimately well-meaning, good people out there without ulterior motives.

[Himu]

i know dan savage is a bit of an asshole at times, but he says something that has resonated with me ever since I heard it:

The only leverage you have is your presence in their lives.

now i'm not gay (nojokespls) or anything of that nature, but at one point, about 7 or so years ago, I came to a fork in the road as to whether or not I keep the insanity/drama in my life or just cut clean. I chose the latter. It's also worth admitting my family was not 100% fucked up across the board, and some distant relatives are good people, but I had to essentially throw out some of the good with the bad to keep my head straight. and that's not because they didn't like me, but because the whole thing was just a toxic black hole I had to flee from.

I don't want to see them or cause a further rift. I will stay in a hotel. If my guy were not out of state for Christmas, this wouldn't be an issue. I wish I took him up on his offer.

what was his offer? spend xmas with him and his? in the future, just bail on your family 100%. fuck em. you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this as an adult. they other come around or they don't.

that i go to louisiana with him for christmas and i meet his family. i guess my self esteem is so low i don't i feel like i was worth meeting his family, at the time.

stop thinking that way. he felt you were worth enough, so you are. despite your experience with your family, there are legitimately well-meaning, good people out there without ulterior motives.

well, it's getting harder and harder for me to not accept that, and now i'll probably fuck this thing up and make him hate me.

[nudemacusers]

 

stop thinking self defeating thoughts, just accept this shit at face value.

[Phoenix Dark]

sounds like your bf is the real deal Himu, and a good dude. Good to hear people are there to stand with you in the long term.

[Himu]

stop thinking self defeating thoughts, just accept this shit at face value.

I'm sorry.

[Himu]

At a hotel close to work. I went home and grabbed some clothes and went to the hotel.

But I uh, I don't think I can do Christmas by myself and I feel foolish for not taking up my bf's offer. I've been talking to him all night about this past weekend, and my feelings on it, and why I thought his family wouldn't like me. Talking to him eased all that, and at this point I've decided to head to New Orleans on Christmas eve so I can be with him and his family. They don't know about...me, and they likely will never know, but I really need to unfuck myself and pushing people away as a defense mechanism.

[El Babua]

Can't really say much other than keep staying strong. You're going through things even worse than what I dread when it comes to fully revealing the person I want to be to my family -  and I admire you for it.

[Himu]

what are you going through? What do you want to be, bobby

[StealthFan]

My bro is a taco. Don't care for him that much as a person, though I do love him and would be devastated if he passed.

[El Babua]

what are you going through? What do you want to be, bobby

Just struggling with the culture thing with my parents. They'd prefer (and are now encouraging) me ending up with a Bengali Muslim girl and that's probably not going to happen. That, and lifestyle choices such as religion, drinking and relationships and such. My mom knows but still hopes I go the other way. My dad, well I can't tell since he got super religious, yet he seems to be the kind of guy that would come around eventually - on certain things at least - he's weird in the sense that he's super conservative Muslim man one second and cool hip guy the other, depending on the subject. It's not that bad but I just want to explode sometimes to clear the air and let them know that I won't be that guy they want me to be. Just don't want any conflict right now.

[Himu]

So are you an apostate or gay or am I reading this wrong

[El Babua]

Yeah, what Wrath said. It's cool that my cousins are pretty liberal for the most part but they all married within the same race and religion too, thanks for backing me up guys. 

[Himu]

Well, that's what I alluded in the apostasy. Tough situation

Do you have an idea on what you're going to do?

[chronovore]

In our family everyone comes for Christmas/holiday dinner.

And I can't be "one of the good ones" if I'm going to knowingly and actively harm my family by not attending Christmas.

Be nice to yourself. Be understanding that you’re already doing stuff that’s harder than most people are willing to ever face, and it's in service of finding out who you are. Being unwilling to experience hurt while you’re vulnerable is smart. You’re actively protecting yourself. If your family is upset by that, it’s on them; you control only yourself, not their reactions.

[Stoney Mason]

As a general bit of advice, I'd say its probably better to cultivate either a like minded circle of small friends or a significant other to share important holidays with. I love my family flaws and good points mixed together but I've learned that you're never going to get family to be the ideal accepting non-judgmental people you either want or the kind you see in movies or TV unless you are incredibly lucky and happen to already have that kind of progressive family.

Family can be nice but it also means a lot of bad judgement, people saying dumb things, or people being preachy. Sometimes its not worth the hassle at least in a holiday context. I don't really think there is an easy or nice fix other than saying a lot of families have this kind of dysfunction.

[Phoenix Dark]

what are you going through? What do you want to be, bobby

Just struggling with the culture thing with my parents. They'd prefer (and are now encouraging) me ending up with a Bengali Muslim girl and that's probably not going to happen. That, and lifestyle choices such as religion, drinking and relationships and such. My mom knows but still hopes I go the other way. My dad, well I can't tell since he got super religious, yet he seems to be the kind of guy that would come around eventually - on certain things at least - he's weird in the sense that he's super conservative Muslim man one second and cool hip guy the other, depending on the subject. It's not that bad but I just want to explode sometimes to clear the air and let them know that I won't be that guy they want me to be. Just don't want any conflict right now.

*calls FBI*

[brawndolicious]

I'm in a similar position as you Bobby. When I finally admitted, after picking up smoking two years ago,  that I did use to smoke and that I've been using an ecig for the last year, my father's response was that that was very disappointing but at least I still do my prayers regularly (lie I've been saying for 9 years since I was 17).

It's worth noting that I only started to smoke when my father tried to use Islamic laws on marriage to force my mother not to get more than her dowry which caused an 8 month rift where she fled with my little brother to Iran (he was 4 at the time), before giving up on a divorce just because she calculated it wouldn't be worth it regardless of which laws it was under. I had to spend months hearing my primary male role model state my mother was worthless for not giving as much sex as he demands, something he apparently has the right to do. For you westerners, my parents are not normal examples but I can't do anything to tell them how horrible they or completely cut them off since I don't want my little brother to grow up without me in his life. He's more like me than my older brother or parents and I think he'll grow up into probably not being religious. The idea of him growing up alone with parents that might make him like them is too scary.

But for you himu, just keep doing what you're doing and get through this holiday around someone who you can rely on, then start putting distance between you and your parents.