Job interviews are bullshit

[Himu]

"Where do yourself in five years?"

Hopefully the CEO of your shitty company so I can fire you personally

"What positive changes did you make to your current workplace?"

What kind of question IS this?

Pro tip for current college students. Job interviews are only built so that they benefit people who lie and embellish their accomplishments in a realistic and believable manner and are not good indicators for who is best for the job because they aren't trying to get to know you or your skills. Those things are irrelevant. Want a job because you need MONEY? Don't ever say that. Why did you choose us?

When the revolution comes all HR and hiring staff will be the FIRST against the wall.

[Mr. Nobody]

"When is the last time you went above and beyond?"

....bailing my group members out when they messed up a good portion of a project for my entrepreneurship class? 

[Himu]

The next time someone asks me where I see myself in five years I am going to stare them in the face and say,"firing you." I am going ALL IN

[Beezy]

The next time someone asks me where I see myself in five years I am going to stare them in the face and say,"firing you." I am going ALL IN

Might as well walk out of the interview. I do hate all these questions too though.

[Himu]

IM DOING IT

[Steve Contra]

It's a question to see if you have any idea of what your career path actually looks like, or if you're just an idiot.

[Himu]

https://m.



DOIN IT

I AM DOIN IT

[Human Snorenado]

If only it worked this way...



I hate hate hate interviews. I'm rubbish at them. Large part of why I kept the job I had when I graduated.

[Van Cruncheon]

i had a dude answer with "i'll be your boss" when i asked him where he saw himself in five years. (seriously, just answer the fucking question. it's to make you assess yourself relative to your peers and your own expectation for growth.)

i responded: "excellent! your next interview will be with the man you'll replace, my boss. i'll be letting him know your answer."

dude didn't get the job. if you're gonna be cocky, be funny. cocky/stupid NO GET JOB

[Himu]

It's a question to see if you have any idea of what your career path actually looks like, or if you're just an idiot.

It's a stupid bullshit question because no one knows where they will be at in five years, and it's a question to guage loyalty and ambition. I have ambition, but I want to use your company as a stepping stone to get out of this dump. They want an honest answer, for that they will get a bullshit rebuttal. I'm going to experiment on the next interview just for the hell of it and see if they can stomach my snark as much as much as they can stomach their bullshit irrelevant questions.

[Van Cruncheon]

btw, here's a freebie answer to "where do you see yourself in five years"

"i will hopefully have improved in the role and have a few major projects/releases under my belt. it's far too early to tell if i have management in my future, but it's something i'd like to explore. i hope i'll have the respect of my team and a good, strong network in place i can rely on to really to take my accomplishments to the next level and take on some really big challenges."

alt. form: "i will hopefully have improved in the role and have a few major projects/releases under my belt. at this time, i'm not terribly interested in management, but i definitely want to be known at the company and possibly even among our partners for my work, and to really have one particular standout effort that i am known for. i aim to have at least two individual promotions under my belt, and a strong knowledge of the company along with a good network."

go ahead, thank me

[Van Cruncheon]

It's a question to see if you have any idea of what your career path actually looks like, or if you're just an idiot.

It's a stupid bullshit question because no one knows where they will be at in five years, and it's a question to guage loyalty and ambition. I have ambition, but I want to use your company as a stepping stone to get out of this dump. They want an honest answer, for that they will get a bullshit rebuttal. I'm going to experiment on the next interview just for the hell of it and see if they can stomach my snark as much as much as they can stomach their bullshit irrelevant questions.

no, it isn't. it's a question to see if you PLAN YOUR FUTURE or just react to shit. i don't want a reactive, day-to-day, collect-a-paycheck doofus for the salary we pay. i want someone who, even if they see us as a stepping stone, knows what their future COULD realistically look like, because they THINK ABOUT A CAREER.

[Steve Contra]

 

It's not about loyalty, it's about knowing where you are, and where you believe your career track to be going.  My wife can ask someone that question and know whether they realize their strengths and weaknesses relative to the job they are getting hired for, or whether they are just kind of dumb.  But by all means, self-sabotage an interview.

[Van Cruncheon]

yup. it's also the best test of operational confidence, as opposed to the contrived kind. yes, we WILL be judging your assessment of your own potential and future. it's our bloody prerogative.

[Van Cruncheon]

lastly: job interviews are constructed so you'll hang yourself with the rope you provided in your resume.

they're easy if you DON'T smokescreen: be realistically confident, be optimistic, and have quick examples on hand for a) a success; b) a failure; and c) a complex problem you collaborated on. write them down before the interview, and always go back to those examples. keep it clear; keep it simple; keep it relevant.

or just don't put any rope in your resume that you can't easily un-knot.

[Steve Contra]

They also don't want to hear where you think you'll be (Manager!  Bossman!) but how you'll get there.  You can even imagine where you'll be at another company (don't tell them this of course).

[Steve Contra]

Also Cruncheon posted something brilliant the other day about how you should always talk about what you did, not what you're like.

[Van Cruncheon]

it is fair to say "y'know, i don't know. i hope i'm with this company because everything i've read about it, plus everything i've learned from this interview like <x> sound great, but i'm gonna want to put this company through its paces. i'm ready to give it my all, though, and i'm excited for the chance to really work on projects like <y>, which will make five years here a really easy decision. <then add whether you want to consider management at this point, or develop into a senior individual role>"

protip: approach an interview as a conversation (about you!), NOT a test. the goal is to succeed in a conversation, not to tally up a bunch of pass/fail responses. LISTEN.

[Mr. Nobody]

Some great info in here.

[dkdk]

corporate culture is bullshit.

[Phoenix Dark]

In short you don't want to answer like young Michael Jordan at the beginning of Space Jam. Demonstrate that you value the concept of a career and plan to take advantage of it while being a valuable asset. Not just "I'm gonna be HNIC in 5 years lol" but, you know, explain how you plan on getting where you want to go. Tie it back to your career growth at your previous job ("I started at x and managed to get to z by...") if you can. You don't want to go in with a history of being stagnant at your previous job. In my experience companies aren't necessarily looking for people to just simply exist/cash a paycheck.

Just a few years ago I would have said I had no interest in management, now I'm heading down that path. Sometimes things play out differently than you plan/think....that just makes the celebration at Olive Garden even more rewarding.

[Himu]

It's a question to see if you have any idea of what your career path actually looks like, or if you're just an idiot.

It's a stupid bullshit question because no one knows where they will be at in five years, and it's a question to guage loyalty and ambition. I have ambition, but I want to use your company as a stepping stone to get out of this dump. They want an honest answer, for that they will get a bullshit rebuttal. I'm going to experiment on the next interview just for the hell of it and see if they can stomach my snark as much as much as they can stomach their bullshit irrelevant questions.

no, it isn't. it's a question to see if you PLAN YOUR FUTURE or just react to shit. i don't want a reactive, day-to-day, collect-a-paycheck doofus for the salary we pay. i want someone who, even if they see us as a stepping stone, knows what their future COULD realistically look like, because they THINK ABOUT A CAREER.

Well, okay, thanks for the tip.

[Himu]

btw, here's a freebie answer to "where do you see yourself in five years"

"i will hopefully have improved in the role and have a few major projects/releases under my belt. it's far too early to tell if i have management in my future, but it's something i'd like to explore. i hope i'll have the respect of my team and a good, strong network in place i can rely on to really to take my accomplishments to the next level and take on some really big challenges."

alt. form: "i will hopefully have improved in the role and have a few major projects/releases under my belt. at this time, i'm not terribly interested in management, but i definitely want to be known at the company and possibly even among our partners for my work, and to really have one particular standout effort that i am known for. i aim to have at least two individual promotions under my belt, and a strong knowledge of the company along with a good network."

go ahead, thank me

that's pretty much what I said. We will see what happens.

[headwalk]

i remember blowing my first interview for a guitar shop because i spent most of it shredding like a hair metal gimp instead of paying attention to anything they were saying. somehow i thought that would be the top of their priorities.

can only imagine how much of a bellend i came across as.

[Himu]

it is fair to say "y'know, i don't know. i hope i'm with this company because everything i've read about it, plus everything i've learned from this interview like <x> sound great, but i'm gonna want to put this company through its paces. i'm ready to give it my all, though, and i'm excited for the chance to really work on projects like <y>, which will make five years here a really easy decision. <then add whether you want to consider management at this point, or develop into a senior individual role>"

protip: approach an interview as a conversation (about you!), NOT a test. the goal is to succeed in a conversation, not to tally up a bunch of pass/fail responses. LISTEN.

Hard for this to be the case when the interviewer is just firing generic question after question and it doesn't FEEL like a conversation despite any attempt to create one. Because more often than not, even if I don't approach it that way, interviews DO feel like a test.

[Van Cruncheon]

management does MORALE EVENTS at olive garden.

[Van Cruncheon]

it is fair to say "y'know, i don't know. i hope i'm with this company because everything i've read about it, plus everything i've learned from this interview like <x> sound great, but i'm gonna want to put this company through its paces. i'm ready to give it my all, though, and i'm excited for the chance to really work on projects like <y>, which will make five years here a really easy decision. <then add whether you want to consider management at this point, or develop into a senior individual role>"

protip: approach an interview as a conversation (about you!), NOT a test. the goal is to succeed in a conversation, not to tally up a bunch of pass/fail responses. LISTEN.

Hard for this to be the case when the interviewer is just firing generic question after question and it doesn't FEEL like a conversation despite any attempt to create one. Because more often than not, even if I don't approach it that way, interviews DO feel like a test.

some interviewers are bad at their job. you make do with what you have. try to turn it into a conversation. ask THEM questions.

[Steve Contra]

it is fair to say "y'know, i don't know. i hope i'm with this company because everything i've read about it, plus everything i've learned from this interview like <x> sound great, but i'm gonna want to put this company through its paces. i'm ready to give it my all, though, and i'm excited for the chance to really work on projects like <y>, which will make five years here a really easy decision. <then add whether you want to consider management at this point, or develop into a senior individual role>"

protip: approach an interview as a conversation (about you!), NOT a test. the goal is to succeed in a conversation, not to tally up a bunch of pass/fail responses. LISTEN.

Hard for this to be the case when the interviewer is just firing generic question after question and it doesn't FEEL like a conversation despite any attempt to create one. Because more often than not, even if I don't approach it that way, interviews DO feel like a test.

Wait until every meeting feels this way

[Madrun Badrun]

'Its says here you know C++, can you tell me the difference between a reference and pointer?'
'They are the same thing, aren't they?  I mean I know C and you can just program C in C++'

[Human Snorenado]

Working for a small business

We don't have to focus group shit; anyone has an idea we think will make things better, we just do it

...being an independent contractor with no paid time off and being responsible for all your payroll taxes, tho...

[octopushover]

Corporate interviews are shit. I don't know how you can possibly see someone's personality with stupid stock questions.

I interviewed at Google once and they asked me one of their analytical brain teasers. I interviewed for a creative position.

[Rufus]

I hate these "are you a goober" questions, partly because of how many goobers end up getting through.

Drawing lots would make my monkey brain accept the realities of the situation more readily. Instead I have this immediate angst that one errant remark will earn me a place on the shit list. You're given a measure of control and then you fumble it. Too bad, you didn't sound sincere enough. The gate-keepers of the adult world are absolutely terrifying.

[Shaka Khan]

God bless Van Cruncheon.

True story: while prepping for the interview that lead to my current job, I went back and reviewed some of the many many great tips he shared here and on FB. Hope you enjoy 6.2% of my paycheck when you retire— you've earned it.

[Mupepe]

After learning about processes and overall strategic KPI metrics I would rather have someone who has an ability to see the big picture as in they have an idea of where they will be in the future.

If they can't then its a good indicator that they have no further development capabilities as well.

[Himu]

it's not so much that I don't have goals or ideas of what I want in the future. It's more like the question comes across as an attempt to measure if you see that company in your life in the distant future. I know the question doesn't mean that, but that's how it comes across in many interviews.

[Mupepe]

On that same note, not having a clear answer makes it seem like you don't know where you're going. I know it doesn't mean that but that's how it comes across the millionth time you get a lame canned response.

What I'm saying is you're supposed to stand out. Asking a generic question and looking for a good response gives you the opportunity to do just that.

[thisismyusername]

IM DOING IT

Might as well walk out of the interview.

DOIN IT

I AM DOIN IT

Might as well walk out of the interview.

.

If only it worked this way...

(Image removed from quote.)

I hate hate hate interviews. I'm rubbish at them. Large part of why I kept the job I had when I graduated.

I agree. I hate them with all my heart and it's why I haven't bothered to look for a better job than the shit paying job I already have. I have crippling social anxiety and you're asking me (a very negative person) to put on a "positive public face" and have a non-automatic "hopefully dead" non-response of "hopefully still working for your company" as a response to that future five years. Hate hate hate hate hate them.

[Phoenix Dark]

Be the best brehs

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

nm, Drinky Crow handled it

I've interviewed about a couple dozen people and most people do a shit job of selling themselves.  Whether people like or not, an interview tells me whether you'd be a good fit for my team or not.  Yes, we're all in it for the money, that much is obvious.  Do you know what we do?  Do you know what the position entails (it is posted on the fucking website itself but it's amazing how many of them don't bother to really read it)?  What would you bring to the group?  Are you a self directed learner or do I need to hold your hand?  Are you motivated to get shit done or can I just expect the bare minimum from you?

I thought interviews were bullshit too until I became the interviewer.  I don't have time to spend hours analyzing your accomplishments so an interview and your resume is the least worst way to go. 

[D3RANG3D]

I have had these questions asked of me for shitty production/retail jobs really, motherfucker?

[Human Snorenado]

Most jobs get filled because someone knows someone anyway, and figuring out how to answer these stupid questions doesn't give ANY sort of indicator towards what your work ethic is. I've hired people who interviewed incredibly and worked like shit, and people who I thought, "well, they'll be a good stop gap measure I guess" who turned out to be kick ass employees.

[Rufus]

I have had these questions asked of me for shitty production/retail jobs really, motherfucker?

Yeah, I can see why you would want to ask these question if you hire for a smaller team, but if you're just looking for a drone the only thing the interview should serve is to weed out the people who don't shower or show up drunk and such. Screen for ambition when you actually want it.

[headwalk]

nm, Drinky Crow handled it

I've interviewed about a couple dozen people and most people do a shit job of selling themselves.  Whether people like or not, an interview tells me whether you'd be a good fit for my team or not.  Yes, we're all in it for the money, that much is obvious.  Do you know what we do?  Do you know what the position entails (it is posted on the fucking website itself but it's amazing how many of them don't bother to really read it)?  What would you bring to the group?  Are you a self directed learner or do I need to hold your hand?  Are you motivated to get shit done or can I just expect the bare minimum from you?

I thought interviews were bullshit too until I became the interviewer.  I don't have time to spend hours analyzing your accomplishments so an interview and your resume is the least worst way to go.

that's all well and good, but the smartest interviewees aren't going to answer those questions with a shred of honesty unless they think it's going to help their chances.