First 2 scenes from NEEZ: THE ORIGINAL SERIES (update: scene 3 added)

[TVC15]

Neez:  The Original Series
101 (Pilot/So Begin Our Alibis) by kpc

1 INT.  NEEZ’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
FADE IN on NEEZ (mid 20s, obese), slouched in a body grease-stained chair, with a sense of utter calm on his face..  He is naked except for a pair of white briefs that have stained to a near tan due to months of wear without wash.  Bright, over-washing light pours in through the windows, illuminating the high degree of filth and disorder in the room.  The sound of the buzz of light electricity illustrates an air of tension in the room.  PULL BACK to reveal Rosanne (early 20s, hideous), the source of this tension.  A non-understanding look of frustration, bordering on anger, is displayed on her face.

Rosanne
I don’t understand anything that’s going on with you anymore.  Nothing makes fucking sense!

Neez doesn’t show any physical response.  His face maintains the same zen-like calm.

Rosanne
I can’t even pretend to know you any more.  This. . .shit I found on your computer.  I’m clearly not the girl you want me to be.

Neez glances to his periphery, as if momentarily driven to paranoia.  Rosanne jumps on this, turning to pure anger.

Rosanne
You chubby fuck!  Tell me what the fuck is going on!  Who’s this Demi?  This fucking Cloudwalking?  Lemurs?  Where the fuck has your dick been?

Neez lets an uncomfortable silence answer Rosanne’s questions.  He glances at several objects in the room, looking for something that can give him a way out of this conversation; a Keyser Soze-esque background clue.

First his eyes see an jug of Carlo Rossi, emptied of wine and instead half filled with urine stained to a pinkish hue from mingling with the last drops of burgundy. He thinks to himself.

Neez
Drinking.  Truth’s in wine, but that excuse is so played that I’d be better off telling her to drink that piss.

His eyes dart around the room, resting momentarily on a pair of used condoms sitting on top of his Playstation 2.

Neez
Shit, she mustn’t have noticed those yet.  Fuck.

He looks to the computer.

Neez
Fuck.  How did I get into this mess.

He looks to the stretched, ripped panties on the floor that he uses as masturbatory fetish wear.

Neez
What the fuck is wrong with me?

 He finally speaks aloud to Rosanne.

Neez
Roxy, I can expla. . .

Rosanne
My name is Rosanne,  you disgusting, lush fuck.  We’re through!  Kaput!  Done!  You’ve got no one now.  Let’s see you fucking deal with the world.  You don’t have my panties to strut around in anymore, you disgusting clod.  I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and now you’re going to have to learn to put on some fucking clothes again.  You don’t have me to fuck anymore!

Neez
Aw, nuts.

Rosanne
And don’t think I didn’t notice those condoms

Titles begin. Voiceover.

Neez
This is my story, about how I had to wake up, go out into the world, and learn to be a human being.  Sure, some of it might not be factually correct, but any good fiction reveals some sort of truth.

Titles end.

2 INT. THE TUBBA BAR - NIGHT

FADE IN on Neez.  Six months have passed and Neez is fatter and smellier than before.  He is smoking a cigarette, and any sense of calm he previously displayed has been replaced with a manic edge.  Here is a man that lost it all.  He is sitting at a bar, and a woman is standing several feet over having a drink.  She is beautiful.  Like super model good.  Neez decides to try to flirt, uncertainly.

Neez
Hi.

Woman (distracted}
Hi.

Neez
I’m Neez.  Neez Chan.

Woman (kind of snide)
That’s good for you.

Neez
I’m not Chinese though.  It’s like that Seinfeld episode.

Woman (rolling eyes)
. . .

Neez
Where like, Jerry’s girlfriend has Chan or something for a last name, and it was like changed from something really long and Polish.

Woman (looking impatient, nervous)
Oh god.

Neez
And George’s parents were getting a divorce or something, and she gave them advice, and they stayed together because the advice was (pause)

Woman (looks around)
Where’s that fucking bartender?

Neez
. . .good.  And then, uh. . .

Woman
Bartender?  Someone, hurry the fuck up!

Neez
. . .they found out she like, wasn’t Chinese.  So then they didn’t like the advice.

Woman (looks back at the door)

Neez
And then they decided to get the divorce.  Oh, she wasn’t really Chinese, that’s why.

Woman (slowly turns to look at Neez)
Are you some sort of distinguished mentally-challenged fellow or something?

Neez
No, but I am just getting over a nasty breakup.  From my Roxy.

Woman
Let me guess - she broke up with you, right?

Neez
She loved to fuck, so much.  I put it in her ass.  Anal beads.  Big ol’ pricks.  Bottle rockets.  Roman candles.

Woman
I just came for a drink, you creep.  Don’t tell me that sick shit.

Neez
So, want to go back to my place, for an. . .

Woman (looking at Neez)
. . .

Neez
. . .an oriental massage?

Woman
Where’s my rape horn?



--------------

Note the formating got screwed up in C&Ping.

[demi]

I can't belive you write this shit

I hope you get banned

[TVC15]

thanks for writing me out of the pilot, fucktard

It's the first 2 scenes!  For the record, I'm not sure if anyone else will be featured in the pilot.  It's more of an introduction.

Demi, I think you will like what I have so far for episode 2.  It is called Minnesoter.

[cloudwalking]

Personally, I like it

[bagofeyes]

Needs more me

[Cheebs]

needs more gay subtext

[TVC15]

needs more gay subtext

I'm getting there.  Again, episode 2, MINNESOTER.

The 3rd scene is coming along nicely.  I have some good ideas for 4.

[Vizzys]

i like it as well more plz   

[Saint Cornelius]

I have absolutely no idea what is going on in this thread or pretty much any other one here at Evilbore, but I did laugh at NEEZ. TVC, you've got "voice"

[TVC15]

Scene 3 is a sex scene, by the way.

[TVC15]

am i in it

No, the first episode is all about defining Neez, I don't want any of you bastards to charm the audience too much.  Then I'd have to worry about a spin-off.

[TVC15]

Uh, so I've been doing a little punching up on this, and getting into the Neez character, and things are actually shaping up in a fairly interesting manner.  I think I may actually want to pursue this script.

[demi]

NO YOU ARE MAKING A PILOT FOR DEMI SERIES

[G The Resurrected]

I actually laughed TVC hilarious shit. Albeit the name changes kind of wear on me a little. I would go out of the way to actually act the first episode out

[TVC15]

I actually laughed TVC hilarious shit. Albeit the name changes kind of wear on me a little. I would go out of the way to actually act the first episode out

What don't you like about the names, exactly?

[G The Resurrected]

Protect the innocent lets put it that way. I dont know it just doesnt bode well with me personally and actually upsets me. Changing the name completely would be best. Neez is fine though

[TVC15]

Fine, I'll work something up to replace Roxy with.  Rosanne is fine, though, right?

[G The Resurrected]

use Anna something that doesnt even sound close to the real persons name.

[TVC15]

Scene 3

I will change the names, Bz.  I just need to find suitable replacements.
-------

3. INT. NEEZ’S BEDROOM - NIGHT/DARK
Voice over black screen. White text on screen reads “6.25 MONTHS EARLIER”.

Neez
Sl.  .sl. . hold up, I’m gonna cum.

FADE IN on Neez, laying on his bed.  It is one week before the events of the first scene.  This scene catches him mid-coitus with his beloved, Rosanne (still offscreen, camera starts on Bz's face).

Neez
<comedic sex noises>

PULL BACK to reveal Rosanne bouncing on Neez.  His legs dangle over the side of the bed.  He is laying on the horizontal of the bed, not in the standard vertical sleeping position.  Camera continues pulling back.  We see Neez’s legs kick up a bit with each one of Rosanne’s bounces.  After a few moments of Neez’s comedic sex noises, he begins getting grunty.

Neez
Okay, Rosanne, I’m done.

Rosanne (stops bouncing)
That was it?

Neez
Yeah, I went soft about a half minute ago.

Rosanne
Well, at least it was a little longer than last time, right?

Neez
Can you get off?

Rosanne
Yeah, I do it by myself all the time. I have to . .(cut off)

Neez
No, no, I mean get off me.  I really gotta pee.

Rosanne
. . .

Rosanne pulls herself off of Neez and plops down next to him in a slouching sitting position.  She hasn’t even broken a sweat.  Neez tries to lean up to a sitting position.

Neez
Uh, can you help me get up?  I think you bruised an ab or something. 

Rosanne
<sighs>

Neez
You know, a little too rough, maybe?

Rosanne stands up and grabs Neez’s outstretched arm.  She struggles, and pulls him up, nearly falling down as he unexpectedly uses the momentum to forgo sitting.

Neez
You need to get off when I say so.  You know I’m a fragile guy.

Rosanne (with hidden derision)
Fragile, yeah, yeah, “like crystal.”

Neez waddles naked to the bathroom, which is in a room attached to the bedroom.  Camera focuses on Rosanne, staring, wide-eyed, in the direction of the bathroom.  Neez has left the bathroom door open.
A snapping sound is heard, followed by the sound of urine.  Over the sound of the urine, Rosanne says to herself.

Rosanne
Normal people have glass jaws, my guy has a glass fucking dick.

Neez (from bathroom)
Did you just inconspicuously mutter something, my precious Rosie?

Rosanne
No, Neez, not me <sigh>

The urine stops.  A flush is heard, and Neez walks into the bedroom again.

Rosanne
Neez, come here, sit next to me.

Neez (mild surprise)
Is something wrong?

Rosanne
No, no, honey, I just want to. . .I need you to try something.

Neez sits down next to Rosanne.  Rosanne leans back, takes Neez’s hand, and puts it between her legs.

Rosanne
Do you feel that, honey?  That little bump?

Neez (confused)
Kinda?

Rosanne
Can you, you know, play with that some?  It uh, feels good for me.

Neez
It feels kinda gross, though.

Rosanne (upset)
How the fuck long have we been going out?

Neez
Uh, I think over 2 years, right?

Rosanne (upset)
And you haven’t fucking gotten me off once.  How about you fucking do something for a change?

Neez
Geez, okay, you didn’t have to yell at me,  You coulda just, you know, mentioned this in conversation sometime.

Rosanne (upset)
Oh yeah, this would be an excellent topic to bring up over dinner or something. <mocking> “Gee, Neez, since you cum in under a fucking half minute, how about you learn to fucking do something else to get me off?”

Neez (not getting the sarcasm)
Yeah, exactly.  Why couldn’t you have done that?

Rosanne
Because you wouldn’t have heard me over the sound of you stuffing your <yelling> FAT FUCKING FACE!

Neez
Oh, yeah.

Rosanne grabs Neez’s hand from between her legs, pulls it out, and throws it back towards Neez.  She stands up, grabs a bathrobe, and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.  Loud crying is heard afterwards.

Neez (oblivious)
I’m, uh, going on IRC.  In case you need me for anything, hon.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

If "Home Alone" is a family comedy without the family, then "Neez" is a tragicomedy...without the comedy.

[TVC15]

Yeah, I'm not quite sure if it's supposed to be a comedy or what at this point.  The original scene 3 had him raping a hooker in a dumpster behind a McDonalds.  And no, I'm not joking.

[TVC15]

Scene 4 is a bit problematic.  I need to convey information in an entertaining way that, as to the best of my knowledge, hasn't been done yet.

[TVC15]

don't make it too expository. that could ruin everything

Well,  scene 4 was going to be him going on IRC and, well, being himself in IRC.  I don't think 5-10 minutes of an IRC screen is particularly riveting television, so I'm trying to work up something.  I know I can pull it off if I throw in a narrator, but I think that's a cop out for the most part.

[DJ_Tet]

MOAR!