So, like most of you i assume, I had my family and close friends over to my house on memorial day. It's tradition, we all have a good time. Now in my neighborhood, we kinda have an open invitation to all of our neighbors to attend any party being held, and most of them are really great people....most of them except Bob the pilot.
You see, Bob the pilot, he's good at two things...drinking way too much every damn time you see him, and mistakenly thinking people like him because of it. So let's jump to this part of the story for those reading at work/home.
It's about 9pm, party is winding down, it's basically me, my cousins, a few of my friends, and my wife and the girls. Kids are either playing video games or watching TV inside, thank god. We were all sitting by the fire bullshitting when literally through the bushes comes bob, shirt off, carrying a bottle of Colt 45 (??) and a drunken smell that I can only say resembles a dumpster.
Here we will chronicle the longest 45 minutes of the weekend;
Bob immediately says "sup homies" and tries to high five my cousin, who plays for the Redskins and is about the size of a fridge.
Bob "Yo boy, give me some skin my homie"
Cousin "Man who this dude, lol"
Me "That's Bob, he harmless, just don't feed him"
Cousin "Aight, sup Bob how you feelin? You look like you been at it a hot minute"
Bob "Damn straight, I brought you a Colt 45 like Billy D williams bro"
Cousin "I'm good on that bee o bee"
Bob "Let me get that henny you holding"
Cousin "Nah man I think maybe you've had enough dog"
Bob "You don't want to piss me off, I run this town, give me the fucking drink"
Me "Bob, play nice or I'm gonna let cuz here throw you over the bushes"
Bob "My bad, my bad"
Well that nearly jumped off but cuz is pretty level headed so we laughed it off and got back to bullshitting about life....Bob wanders out of eyesight.
Que 15 minutes later
Mrs AiA "AiA, can I see you for a minute, now"
Me:
Mrs AiA "Bob just puked on your car"
Me: "For real, damnit man, Alright I'll tell him he has to go"
I wander over to Bob
Me "Alright man, you gotta go Bob, you trashing my shit bro. You need a ride"
Bob "No niccer, I don't need shit from your ass"
Me: (Trying real hard now) "Bob, man, I know you drunk but you can't be talking like that, especially around my house"
Bob: "Don't down talk me you monkey ass bastard....blah blah drunken babble"
Now my cousin has seen this and comes over
Cuz "We good man"
Me: Yeah bob just got the drank in him, he being stupid"
Bob "Oh look twin baboons, how cute"
Me: "that's enough, say it again and I'm going to get pissed man"
Bob :"niccer niccer niccer"
At this point my cousin decides to literally pick bob up and toss him into his yard, which he did.
Cops show up.
Cop looks at me, and looks at Bob, and says "Yeah sorry, third time today he's caused problems, him and his wife are having issues"
Cuz "No wonder look at that dude"
Bob, now naked, is pissing on a cop car while singing some country song.....
And the point? Bob did not get arrested. Bob didn't even get a ticket. Good to be a CAC in america.
So anyway, how was your weekend?
