Foot in mouth moments

[I'm a Puppy!]

Got a ton of these figured we might as well have a thread to drop them as the happen:

Coworker walks in holding a Starbucks cup in each hand
I said, "Wow Alison, it's already a double fisting kind of day?"
She just stood there blushing saying "Uhhhh........"
I died

--
There were a lot of polynesians in my college. I worked with a guy named Kimo
He was leaving work and going out the door while a lady with a bald head and bandana comes walking in
My coworker sees that Kimo left something and shouts out towards the door, "Hey! Kimo!!"
Poor lady started crying and ran away.
I died

--
I was chatting with a coworker and she mentioned that her maiden name was Buxton
I was like "Oh man, middle school must have sucked."
"Why?"
"Well, with a name like Buxton...they must have teased you a fair amount."
"Why?"
"...you know....Buxton...Buxom?"
She looked down at her small chest and said with a frown, "Yeah, No one's ever said that to me."
I died
--
Oh and there's the story of when I caught my date breathing into her hand to check her breath in the corner of my eye and I blurted, "Now you have to decide, is it your hand or your breath that stinks."

--

I'll post more as I remember them or as they happen.

[Himu]

Me the entire past year as I was brainwashed into Christianity - and as an extension, right wing talking points - after feeling guilty for being a racist as I went from one extreme ideology to the next.

[Madrun Badrun]

High school.  Was at the office and saw a pamphlet about joining the military.  Made a comment to someone I didn't know too well about the military picking from the bottom of the barrel for high school students.  His reply was that his plan was to join the army.   

[Human Snorenado]

I once told a joke where the punchline was "stump-fucking an amputee" and the girlfriend of the guy standing next to me (she wasn't there) had just had her foot amputated due to cancer, so I've got that going for me.

[I'm a Puppy!]

In AP German the teacher would get German newspapers and every day we'd start off by reading a short article from the offbeat section. One day the story was about a woman that was busted by customs smuggling bratwurst in her  ass. Obviously without thinking,  my teacher blurted out in a room full of hormonal, mormon teens "As a woman, I could think of some better places to hide bratwurst." She totally lost control of the class. She was beet red and tried save herself by saying, "Like, her backpack, or purse!" But yeah, any hopes of doing any teaching that day were gone.

[team filler]

was she hot?

[Great Rumbler]

I was playing some videogame with my best friend and I did something good so I yelled out "Who's your daddy?!", as was the custom at the time. My friend just quietly said "Not you." His dad had died recently.

[I'm a Puppy!]

was she hot?

Let me put it this way, we had to call her "Frau". There are only two ways to say that. Sexy and not sexy.  There's no "average" looking woman that makes you call her "Frau". She was not the sexy kind.

[I'm a Puppy!]

I was playing some videogame with my best friend and I did something good so I yelled out "Who's your daddy?!", as was the custom at the time. My friend just quietly said "Not you." His dad had died recently.

My daughter's best friend died when she was 13 from brain cancer. The foot in mouth moments I've witnessed around her sustain my schadenfreude. Once I saw one of her friends say, "Man, I'd rather choose to have cancer." And my daughter just said, "I wish Jessica could've had the choice not to have cancer..."

Or my Autistic son. So many people are so dumb. One person said, "You sure he's autistic? He's such a happy, nice kid." I replied, "I said he was autistic, not that he was an asshole."

[I'm a Puppy!]

well, I didn't know that was censored.

[skullstorm]

Oh god reading that version with the word filter 

I guess that's a foot in mouth moment for the mods now

[Fifstar]

In AP German the teacher would get German newspapers and every day we'd start off by reading a short article from the offbeat section. One day the story was about a woman that was busted by customs smuggling bratwurst in her  ass. Obviously without thinking,  my teacher blurted out in a room full of hormonal, mormon teens "As a woman, I could think of some better places to hide bratwurst." She totally lost control of the class. She was beet red and tried save herself by saying, "Like, her backpack, or purse!" But yeah, any hopes of doing any teaching that day were gone.

Either you read Bild Zeitung or Titanic in school.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Bild Zeitung man.

[tiesto]

Kind of a stupid one but it's all that's coming to me at the moment... a friend of mine had a party where we were encouraged to dress up as someone from a different clique than you were in back in HS... i.e. gamer geek me went as a jock, preppy kids were dressing as skaters, goths dressing like gangstas, etc. So I see this one girl there who I didn't know, she was dressed frumpy with frizzled hair and glasses, so I'm like "oh cool, so you dressed like a nerd". And she's like "oh, this is how I normally dress. I didn't realize it was a dress up party till I got here".