I can explain everything about my mysterious disappearance.
After abandoning my research on B’z due to it being far too disturbing a subject to get published in the US, I unexpectedly got really into the Dave Matthews Band and for most of the past decade, I’ve followed them around the country. I had a lot of bad sex with a lot of cheesy bros, and while it was all consensual in the end, I ended up receiving quite a large share of obvious rape-y tactics and forceful pick-up attempts that I had to disarm before I could have intercourse without feeling like the man won. Also, the men that follow DMB are largely losers and their date rape drugs are so weak and diluted compared to what my many psychiatrist and chemist friends would give me for my own personal use.
Anyway, about a year ago, I felt the need to return to research, and this whole #MeToo thing was going on and it seemed like a bunch of halfwits we’re trying to take a piece of my pie. Unfortunately, my main topic of interest, Bill Cosby, possibly the most prolific serial rapist of our time, was well covered. I started looking for alternatives, but all of the most promising transgressionists were covered, usually poorly, might I add. I insufflated a large line of isopropylphenidate and sat down to think: society and the media were covering the biggest or most notable rapists... what if I instead covered the saddest and most pathetic?
To keep this a manageable length, I’ve returned to observe Assimilate, who is basically the embodiment of all those boys back at the Dave Matthews Band concerts. I haven’t learned much yet, but my goal is to make an app that, based on any given post by him, can determine the exact color and angle of his backwards baseball cap at the time he made it.
