i'm going to become an american

[cloudwalking]

so i've finally decided to take the plunge and apply for US citizenship. i've lived in this country for going on 8 years now, so it's about time i'm, uh, able to vote and shit. plus dual citizenship is a nice thing to have anyway.

i was a little surprised how much it costs to file -- $330 for the application and another $70 just for fingerprinting. ouch. i'm looking into maybe seeing if i can't get the money as a birthday present or something. otherwise it's gonna have to be something to save up for.

i spent some time on aim with my good friend cajolejuice making fun of some of the ridiculous questions on the application, such as:

Have you ever been a habitual drunkard?
Have you ever been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?
Have you ever committed a crime or offense for which you were not arrested?
Have you ever been married to more than one person at the same time?
Have you ever been associated with the Communist Party?
Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945, did you work for or associate in any way (either directly or indirectly) with the Nazi government of Germany?

also if you ever claimed to be a US citizen to anyone in writing or otherwise, you have to write a page-long explanation as to why you lied and include it with the application. i might have done this once when i was drunk. oops. I'M AN AMURRICAN

SAMPLE SENTENCES FOR WRITTEN ENGLISH TESTING

To be eligible for naturalization, you must be able to read, write, and speak basic English. The sentences on this page are examples of the types of sentences an USCIS officer may ask you to read aloud or write during your interview. They are not an exhaustive list. The USCIS officer who interviews you may ask you to read or write other sentences.

All people want to be free.
America is the land of freedom.
All United States citizens have the right to vote.
America is the home of the brave.
America is the land of the free.

i should hope i'm exempt from that. they should just have AMERICA FUCK YEAH on that list, would sum it all up nicely.

then you have to take an oath at the interview:

"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."

yes that's right, my yankee friends, i have to admit that i would be willing to fight for your country. i'm here to help you guys out.

anyway, this doesn't look too complicated. i think i can do this!

[Junpei the Tracer!]

Go back to Canada.

[cloudwalking]

Go back to Canada.

hopefully i can live in switzerland next, maybe get triple citizenship

[Human Snorenado]

Wait, you're gonna be an American now?  You just got strangely less hot.  Also you'll probably get fat.

[Madrun Badrun]

Go back to Canada.

hopefully i can live in switzerland next, maybe get triple citizenship

But I though he isn't in swedan now?

So how can you live 8 years there and not be a citizen?

Also can you apply to become a citizen from canada?   

[Madrun Badrun]

Wait, you're gonna be an American now?  You just got strangely less hot.  Also you'll probably get fat.

I hear eating the oath puts on 15 pounds. 

[APF]

I also was going to make an Americans are fat joke.

[drohne]

you still want to be an american after reading that application? i think i'd renounce my citizenship if i was required to repeat statements like "america is the land of freedom" or give up habitual drunkenness

[Phoenix Dark]

Congrats on joining the real country in North America

Are you going to celebrate by visiting all 50 states as my friend Mohammed IV did? I recommend visiting Michigan first

[Human Snorenado]

you still want to be an american after reading that application? i think i'd renounce my citizenship if i was required to repeat statements like "america is the land of freedom" or give up habitual drunkenness

f'realz.  Looking at those questions, it's not looking good for me:

Have you ever been a habitual drunkard?-duh
Have you ever been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?-can I take the fifth here?  what if I gave a girl drugs for sex, does that count?
Have you ever committed a crime or offense for which you were not arrested?-see above
Have you ever been married to more than one person at the same time?-ew, mormons lol
Have you ever been associated with the Communist Party?-whistles innocently
Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945, did you work for or associate in any way (either directly or indirectly) with the Nazi government of Germany?-not alive, although my name is Arian

That's like 4 1/2 out of six.  Not good.

[Mupepe]

Cloud: So does this mean we can legally do it now?

[TVC15]

Are those real questions?  Jesus, what happened to tired, poor, huddled masses, rape babies etc?  Have you ever committed a crime which you weren't busted for?  Well, I think that question is testing for idiocy.  Have you ever been associated with the communist party?  Has this thing been updated since the 80s?  The Nazi party?  WE'RE HUNG UP ON PEOPLE FROM A WAR OVER 60 YEARS AGO GETTING INTO THE COUNTRY!  WHY YES, I WAS IN THE NAZI PARTY, I'M MOTHERFUCKING HITLER, I'M LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS OLD, AND I'M IN YR BASE GASSIN YR JEWS.

The fees are also ridiculous, btw.  The english-speaking section is pretty much a travesty for a country with no national languages.  And people wonder why more folks don't legally become US citizens.  The process sucks and it needs to be revamped, and de-politicized.  The Communist question blows my mind.  What difference does it make?  We're friends with most of the commies these days.  The question is so conspicuous in its appearance as to invoke paranoia.  What if I'm a commie?  They won't let me in?  It's like the app is implicitly hinting that unless you are a red-blooded right wing fuckhead that you better watch your back 'cause you might get smoked, loc.

When was this current process established?  I want to know just how long the citizenship program has been unfair to non-English speakers and had questions that can only be there to instill a sort of politically manipulative paranoia. 

Fuck, America is a shithole.  You should go back to Canadia or whatever.

[cloudwalking]

i didn't make up any of the questions, the form is here in PDF form if you want to download it yourself: http://www.uscis.gov/n-400

i agree that some of the questions are completely and utterly absurd, and there are a lot of them that only a fool would answer yes to. and yeah the english speaking/writing test is pretty embarassing. that's not even all the horribly cheesy potential sentences they could ask you to tackle. those are just the worst ones.

despite all of this, i want to obtain american citizenship because no matter how you look at it, it's really nothing but an asset to me. it's a smart thing to do and holding multiple citizenships is something not everyone is lucky enough to have the chance to do in their lifetimes.

[TVC15]

Oh yeah, I understand completely that it would be invaluable to be a citizen in the place you plan on living, even if it is a slimehole. 

[cloudwalking]

i definitely want to move out of the US someday, most likely back to canada, but it'll be nice knowing that i can come back anytime i want.

[Mupepe]

i didn't make up any of the questions, the form is here in PDF form if you want to download it yourself: http://www.uscis.gov/n-400

i agree that some of the questions are completely and utterly absurd, and there are a lot of them that only a fool would answer yes to. and yeah the english speaking/writing test is pretty embarassing. that's not even all the horribly cheesy potential sentences they could ask you to tackle. those are just the worst ones.

despite all of this, i want to obtain american citizenship because no matter how you look at it, it's really nothing but an asset to me. it's a smart thing to do and holding multiple citizenships is something not everyone is lucky enough to have the chance to do in their lifetimes.

you never answered my question

[bluemax]

you still want to be an american after reading that application? i think i'd renounce my citizenship if i was required to repeat statements like "america is the land of freedom" or give up habitual drunkenness

f'realz.  Looking at those questions, it's not looking good for me:

Have you ever been a habitual drunkard?-duh
Have you ever been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?-can I take the fifth here?  what if I gave a girl drugs for sex, does that count?
Have you ever committed a crime or offense for which you were not arrested?-see above
Have you ever been married to more than one person at the same time?-ew, mormons lol
Have you ever been associated with the Communist Party?-whistles innocently
Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945, did you work for or associate in any way (either directly or indirectly) with the Nazi government of Germany?-not alive, although my name is Arian

That's like 4 1/2 out of six.  Not good.

Mormon splinter groups and other wack jobs like former major league baseball player Al Martin.

[xnikki118x]

Okay so you were born in Canada but have lived in the US for 8 years? What's the story with that?


Those questions are hilarious. They remind me of the questions you have to answer before you donate blood: have you ever had sex with a man, who has had sex with a man, since 1977? Haha stuff like that.

[Ichirou]

I'm surprised.  Why bother if you're gonna move to Europe to keep stalking jarosh anyway?

[Van Cruncheon]

i think that's a pretty tepid set of questions, given the possibilities. why don't the far right catpiss loonies that write this shit get honest and go all the fucking way?

like

j) have you ever let your wife go to bed without a blacked eye after she lipped off?
k) how much do you love the baby jesus, on a scale from 1 (he real sweet) to 10 (oh lordy lordy let him take me now)
l) ever kill a taco? how good did knifing that bag of filthy sin in the kidney feel to you?
m) g. gordon libby, oliver north, or colonel bo gritz? if they ever teamed up, how many feggits and hippies you think they could kill in a week? in a year?
n) better way for a librul to die: raping him to death with his precious koran, or hanging him from a tree with his hammer-and-sickle flag?
o) why do you think them darkies all got aids?
p) would you let toby keith fuck you in the ass? for how long? with or without lube? would you let him buy you a bud light afterwards?
q) the troops: should they be required to torture all towelheads, or just their women?
r) america. fuck yeah, or oh oh oh please i'm so scared don't hurt me i want to pull out from the war now heeeeeeeee

[G The Resurrected]

If they let me they'll definatly let you in cloud.

[Stocky]

marry me.

[G The Resurrected]

marry me.

Where can we do that? I'm down if your down. Your the bitch though.

[makaveli]

what kind of fucking loser would want to become american

[Stocky]

marry me.

Where can we do that? I'm down if your down. Your the bitch though.

not you, ass. cloud 

[G The Resurrected]

marry me.

Where can we do that? I'm down if your down. Your the bitch though.

not you, ass. cloud 

We could all get married together in some country in the middle east or something at least give it a chance.

[Human Snorenado]

what kind of fucking loser would want to become american

Ah, I see the leper is back and ready to make friends.

[etiolate]

GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND

[Catz]

If tomorrow all the things were gone I’d worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.

From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,

From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there’s pride in every American heart,
and it’s time to stand and say:

I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.

USA USA USA

[drozmight]

Fuck you Canadian.

Only pure bloods are allowed to be Americans.

[cloudwalking]

i didn't realize americans were so hostile towards fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming citizens of their country. no wonder no one likes you guys.

[Stocky]

at least we didn't ask for our freedom

[xnikki118x]

i didn't realize americans were so hostile towards fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming citizens of their country. no wonder no one likes you guys.

I am VERY un-hostile toward fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming a US citizen. You're going to do it the legal way and that's the most awesome fucking thing ever.

I knew a girl from Italy who worked at a summer camp with me, and she came back here every summer and every Christmas for like 5 years. She ended up getting dual citizenship (US and Italy) because she like fucking loved it here. It's fun to hear someone with an accent sing patriotic songs and wave flags and stuff.

[G The Resurrected]

i didn't realize americans were so hostile towards fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming citizens of their country. no wonder no one likes you guys.

I know a guy that works for homeland security. What you say about a little barebackin' for a easy clean citizenship? You'll do fine cloud were not all horrible people. But this guy that comes in once a week from homeland scares the shit out of me. He's some retired dude from the marines. He tells me to watch out for illegals and strange foreigners. But my job tells me not to be racist. Homeland security is racist. Oh and he says watch out for french canadians. They could be sneaking in from canada from europe passing themselves off as one of your own cloud. Scarey to know the terrorists come from Canada and Mexico.

[Mupepe]

i didn't realize americans were so hostile towards fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming citizens of their country. no wonder no one likes you guys.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION

[Ichirou]

i didn't realize americans were so hostile towards fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming citizens of their country. no wonder no one likes you guys.

I am VERY un-hostile toward fine, upstanding foreigners with an interest in becoming a US citizen. You're going to do it the legal way and that's the most awesome fucking thing ever.

I knew a girl from Italy who worked at a summer camp with me, and she came back here every summer and every Christmas for like 5 years. She ended up getting dual citizenship (US and Italy) because she like fucking loved it here. It's fun to hear someone with an accent sing patriotic songs and wave flags and stuff.

How do you feel about portoricans being US citizens but not having to pay federal taxes and not being allowed to vote in national elections?

And they don't speak english over there either, even though it's a US territory and real close to Florida!