first off, yes, i am a 33 year old man who drove into town to pick up pokemon during my errands today. i am a big ol' fuckin' nerd. a huge fuckin' dweeb. i took the train to loserville only to discover it was population me. we're clear on that point, right?
that said, i am but a blip on the radar of the folks that were there to pick up POKEYMANS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM DONKEY PUNCH EDITION. kids were there, of course; it's a stupid kiddy game. however, there was a pair of tools -- one older than me -- who were also there. the younger of the two proudly announced that he "skipped church, because the only thing that means more to me than god is a new pokeymon release!"
hnarf hnarf hnarf he laughed. ugh. the older of the two had a pokeyball backpack, which clashed with his greying hair and his stone temple pilots concert tee. they both bought pokeyman diamond, because "pearl is gay and for girls". yeah, a 40 year old man who still thinks girls have cooties. this is the stuff ninthings are born of, folks.
jesus. i should've just left. but as i said, i too am a fucking loser and i had prepaid for -- yes -- pearl edition. what! i figured everyone would get diamond on account of it being for gays and girls!
these two paled next to the clerk, who was dressed as the ash character. his coworker, a nice if sometimes overly enthusiastic long-haired fellow who acts as store manager, seemed utterly humiliated in his presence. ash busted out the pokeyman rap in front of a couple kids, who looked a little weirded out, and then he took their mom's cc, did this little pirouette, and swiped the card while making a BOOM! noise.
"hey doug" said the acting manager unenthustiastically. yes, he knows my name. again, it's no news to anyone if you point out that i am a big ol' nerdlinger. WANT MY FRIEND CODE?!?!?! yelled ash. "no" i said. TOO BAD, WE COULD TRADE ALL THE STARTERS?!?!?!?!?! he barked. PICK CHIMCHAR?!?!?!?!?! he followed up. "what's a chimchar" i asked and immediately regretted it. sometimes a 'no small talk' rule would save me 5 minutes of my eyes glazing over while a strong sense that there is nothing in the world worth living for drains my soul.
"okay" said longhair finally. "shut up, [ash]." WHAT?!?!?! said ash mcpimple. I BOUGHT YOU A MUFFIN?!?!?!?! (wtf). I'M NEVER BUYING YOU A MUFFIN AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!
"i gotta go get a hair cut and mow my lawn" i said, backing away. "good luck" said longhair mournfully, "it's supposed to rain." REMEMBER, PICK CHIMCHAR IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THE SECOND GYM A BREEZE?!?!?!?!?! yelled ash.
i ran!
