Tales of Retail Horror: Episode I: The Ninthing

[The Fake Shemp]

So, it's my second day.  Save for some regular retail shenanigans, everything is going as planned.  People are personable and usually courteous, even when we read our scripts about accepting used games, asking for subscriptions or inquiring about pre-orders.

Then, The Ninthing steps in.  And I don't mean any Ninthing, I mean the Hive Queen.  She is where they draw their collective will.

She was in her forties, overweight and wearing some tight white top with sweat decorating it in all the wrong places.  She's got thick rimmed glasses that accent her Pugsly-like face, wearing a GameCube visor with her ponytail held in place by a Mario scrunchie.  That's not all - she's wearing a Nintendo fanny pack and tight, short blue shorts.  And she has a Yoshi wristband.  Here is the best rendering I can do of her:



I knew from first sight that she didn't want any help; she's the type that feels automatically, she knows way more about every possible Nintendo product you can imagine.  Or want to imagine.  She made her way to the DS section to pick up copies of Cake Mania and some other stylus crap.  Then she demanded assistance with the Game Boy Advance glass case to pick out something like Yu-gi-Oh: Trading Card Game XVI: Budakake Edition.

As I helped one customer with a return, she got agitated and began to raise her voice, so another employee helped her.  She was also there to pick up her Pokemon reservations and she had pre-ordered five of each.  Well, we gave out the reservation extras (some stylus Pokemon crap) on a first come, first serve basis and she decided not to come on Sunday (obviously, her job [guessing here] selling crap on eBay must be really stressful!).  She was outraged!  How dare we abide by company policy!  She will speak to our manager's manager's manager (direct quote)!

She pays for the stuff in cash and throws the bills on the counter and says, "Keep the change, you're going to need it!"  She turns around, and begins to walk angrily, her massive butt cheeks moving like fault lines.  And before she opens the door (and slams it), she audibly farts.

[Van Cruncheon]

melissa?

[Human Snorenado]

Man, I'm glad that's not my world anymore.

[demi]

I really can't take this story that serious. Bold the over-exaggerated parts please.

[Van Cruncheon]

tell us about the time when demi came into your store, shuffled around nervously, wiped his sweaty palms on the ds case, and then tottered out silently without buying anything

[MrAngryFace]

I ESCAPED!

[demi]

There is no such story, because I bought my stuff online.

[Ichirou]

I believe everything except the part about the fart.  That's just too unbelievable.

[MrAngryFace]

I dont get how people dont believe this stuff, I mean when I worked at staples we actually had a chair returned with SHIT on it. Nothing is impossible.

[The Fake Shemp]

I wish I could say I was joking.  The only thing I'm exagerrating is that she bought multiple copies of Cake Mania - it was just one.  I couldn't see what other DS games she bought or the actual GBA title, since I was helping with a return.  And while she did slam her money on the table and say, "Keep the change", she did not say, "... you're going to need it!"

And she did fart on the way out, which was pretty hysterical, because two of the customers (two black kids) playing the Wii at the door started laughing, but the employees there had to wait 'till she left to start bawling.

[The Fake Shemp]

And for the record, I think she farted because she was making this awkward motion on the way out, as if she was an angered teenager that was going to go to her room, slam the door and turn her music up way loud.  I think if she walked like a human being, she wouldn't have tooted.

And yes it was a toot.  Like, "Pewt!"

[TVC15]

. . .is cake mania a real game?

[Van Cruncheon]

yup. it's based on some popular online game.

[Ichirou]

[MrAngryFace]

Hit?

[TVC15]

Do I want to know what this game entails?  Does it involve slamming Little Debbie snack cake after Little Debbie snack cake into an enormous, insatiable mouth using the d-pad while vigurously rubbing the penis on the bottom screen until it climaxes?

[Ichirou]

Do I want to know what this game entails?  Does it involve slamming Little Debbie snack cake after Little Debbie snack cake into an enormous, insatiable mouth using the d-pad while vigurously rubbing the penis on the bottom screen until it climaxes?

G: The Game?

[TVC15]

Ho. Ly. Fuck.

http://www.arcadetown.com/cakemania/gameonline.asp

[The Fake Shemp]

Yeah, she bought one of those, some other DS games (I think one was called Pogo Island or something), her Pokemon crap and some shitty animu GBA title.  She was carrying her DS Lite around too, trying to talk to people or download stuff.

Personally, I think that kind of behavior out of a woman in her forties is creepy.  Like, someone call Dateline's Chris Hansen, because we've got a pedophile... type of creepy.  She was also agitated very easily.  I think she was just in need of some physical intimacy.  Someone should take one for the team.  I'm looking at Cheebs.

[MrAngryFace]

I wonder if people like that realize how sad it all is.

[Eduardo24]

I believe you.

I have a LOT of crazy stories from the time  when I worked at Nextel/sprint collections hotline.  People trapped in the snow, someone calling while he was having sex, star wars fanboys (one told me "may be the force be with you"), gays (some of them trying to hit on you), a dog (how the dog managed to call is beyond me), a bunch of people in the middle of nowhere without money, gas, and the cell shut off ( ), a woman with a 3000 cellphone bill ( ), a nintendo fanboy that asked for a supervisor because I told him I liked the 360 the better (this was on december, befored I renounced), etc, etc..

Maybe someday I will tell all of my stories.  Believe me, when  someone from a store or call center tells you some crazy story, don´t assume its a lie, because its probably true.

[TVC15]

Was it Roxy?

[The Fake Shemp]

I thought perhaps it was G dressed in the flesh of the woman he claims to be Roxy.

[MrAngryFace]

I remember once I was working receiving at a staples in arizona. It was like 6 am and we were wondering where the fuck the truck was. Anyway I get a call around 6:20 and its the truck driver, and he said something close to:

"Im going to be late"
"Whats up? Traffic?"
"My Tummy Hurts"
"uhh, ok i'll let the manager know *click* *lolz ensue*"

It was extra funny cause right when he got the truck lined up he came through the backdoor immediately asking where the bathroom was and ran off haha.

Or there was the time the truck driver didn't know how to work his truck so I had to help him lower the trailer so it would rest against our loading ramp.

[bork]

Man, I'm glad that's not my world anymore.

Me too.  Nine years of that "job" became total hell at the end...I was glad to get out of it.  Willco, man, isn't there something else you can do?  Even if it's retail, I'd go elsewhere.  It's only going to worse.  And worse.  AND WORSE.  AND WORSE.

I totally believe you on the fart thing, thing.  I remember there used to be a guy that would come and drop (loud) farts, then look around like someone else did it, even though he was the only customer in the store.

Could be worse!  At least you don't have Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments. *shudder*

[Bloodwake]

Eh, I got those customers EVERY DAY. \


My least favorites were the guys that smelled like a mixture of tobacco and marijuana that brought in like 5000000000000 DVDs in a trash bag to trade in for cash (thank god that GameStop/EB stopped DVD cash trades). Some of them audibly said, "yay, now I can afford some meth" as their smelly white trash heavily accented asses walked out the door.

Willco, I would worry about the ones that DO call the District Manager. Those fuckers ALWAYS think it is your fault whenever anyone complains to them about you. You don't even get a fair trial.

[Scurvy Stan]

Ho. Ly. Fuck.

http://www.arcadetown.com/cakemania/gameonline.asp

Damn, that was like the shittiest fucking clipart game I've ever seen.

[The Fake Shemp]

I'm pretty tight with the district manager - he hired me.  Not to say he won't be pissed if I royally fucked up, but if some deranged Pokemoniac complains about items he told us personally to give away on a district conference call, he just won't care.

[bork]

I'm pretty tight with the district manager - he hired me.  Not to say he won't be pissed if I royally fucked up, but if some deranged Pokemoniac complains about items he told us personally to give away on a district conference call, he just won't care.

You sound very green.   

[The Fake Shemp]

Not entirely.  As an ASM, it won't be my ass - it'll be my manager's.

[xnikki118x]

I especially love the paint-esque rendition of the fat lady. Awesome.

[Tauntaun]

P.A.D. my friend, People Are Dumb. 

[Bloodwake]

Not entirely.  As an ASM, it won't be my ass - it'll be my manager's.

You are right sir. The closer you are to the store manager, however, the more likely it is that you will receive the blame.

Most of the GA's quit. It was always the management staff that got fired, and two ASM's got fired while I worked there, while one was demoted back to SGA.

[The Fake Shemp]

That's some crazy turnover.  Someone must've done something REALLY bad.

[Tauntaun]

That's some crazy turnover.  Someone must've done something REALLY bad.

let me tell you another acronym: C.I.D. = Company Is Dumb  This is truth.

[Lonestar]

melissa?