Dearest cloudwalking,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of six months, and am feeling a bit uncertain what to do with the extra free time I now find on my hands. I completed Titan Quest on Normal this evening, which helped assuage the heartbreak, but you and I both know that Act III Telkine runs can fill only so many hours of the day.
As a relatively attractive, somewhat shy and nerdy male who posts on the same message boards as you, I would like to formally submit my personage for your stalking pleasure. You may stalk me by public posts, privates messages, or personal e-mail; I leave the decision in your expert hands. I feel that your particular brand of relentless cyberstalking and ostentatious innuendos will be just the antidote I need to clear up my post-breakup blues. In exchange for your services, will be happy to send you one (1) package per month of indigenous items from my place of residence.
As I turn to the vast, impersonal world of the internet to fill the void in my heart where once there was love, there are many options at my disposal: online gaming, pornography, dating sites, &c. After considering all of my options, hoewver, I choose to trust you, a true professional, to stalk me so relentlessly that I can think of nothing else in my excited fear.
Availably yours,
S.P.
