Now, a lot of people tend to write me off as an old fogey, or perhaps as a budding crazy cat lady, but the fact of the matter is that I am hip to the lingo of kids today. Why, back when I was in high school, we cut ourselves then, all the time. Of course, back then we didn't have REAL EMO problems like you lil' uns today; we were just trying to prove which of us really understoon Marilyn Manson the most. As a progressive and forward thinking guy, I can see that you kids cutting yourselves face all sort of real, non-imaginary problems, and you certainly aren't cutting yourself solely for the reason of bragging about it on the internet.
Being the cultural connoisseur I am, I would like to sing the praises of cutting yourself. I know sometimes CUTTING YOURSELF IS THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL SOMETHING, or that CUTTING MYSELF MAKES MY REAL PAIN GO AWAY, or that DAVEY FROM AFI CUTS OFF HIS OLD SKIN IF IT COMES IN CONTACT WITH SUNLIGHT. Tonight, for example, I am going to be cutting myself for two reasons. One, I have a really nasty blister on my left foot and it's kinda making me limp. Two, my imaginary girlfriend-cousin is in love with car accidents in Tejas or some junk.
You folks know well that when I go for anything, any product or experience, I go for top of the line, and cutting myself is no exception. Most of you people, what you do I don't even consider cutting yourself. Dull knives, hasty clean-ups, no real tears. You're all sad sacks, chum-filleg vaginas. The first mark of the quality of my cutting sessions would probably be my tool of choice:
Cold Steel's The Spectre. The knife for people that are truly enthusiasts about cutting themselves. Never before have I cut myself with a knife so precise. Even when my arms are awash with way too much blood, I still cut exactly where I want. I normally heat the knife with a lighter before I begin, because that makes those first cuts slightly easier. By the time you are into the groove, the cutting comes easy, and it is usually the amount of blood that gets in the way of further quality cutting. The excellence of The Spectre takes care of that issue.
The music:
Lou Reed's Berlin. Widely acclaimed as the saddest album ever made. Produced by Bob Ezrin, this concept album is almost like a rougher, much more human attempt to create what he would several years later, Pink Floyd's The Wall. It's about a destructive relationship in Berlin, with physical abuse, lots of drugs, suicides, dead children. It really sets up the mood for going ginsu. I highly recommend it.
As far as technique goes, I like drawing on my arms and legs with knives as much as the next guy, but if that's all you're doing, you're totally missing out on some of the more unique cutting experiences to be had. Here are some of the places where all the coolest cutters are dicing these days.
1) The bottom of the feet. Due to the contortions needed, precise cutting isn't very possible, but do a good chop job and you'll give yourself painful gashes that will ache for weeks. Walking around on the cuts will keep your dogs raw for a long time, and there's a serious chance for a very emo, very painful infection.
2) The nipples. The nipples have a higher congestion of nerve endings than anywhere else in the body. Males have more nerve endings there than females even. This, my friends, is why god gave man nipples. A couple pokes, some slices along the edges, segmenting the nub itself - it will make you recall that sense of pain you felt when Good Charlotte ceased to be culturally relevant. The nipples are also bleeders, and good luck wearing a shirt afterwards. It's that painful!
3) The eyelids, aka The Dali. It's not the most painful spot - you're practically cutting a simple membrane - but what gets me off about this one is the risk involved. One incorrect wrist movement, one sting or tinge of pain from a previous cut, and you will have gouged your head, and most awesomely, potentially lobotomized yourself. This is an area for thrill seekers only.
4) The back of the knees. Again, there's a high concentration of nerve endings there, and since it's an area where the nerves are not generally used, they
sing with sensitivity when given the chance. This area is growing amongst the younger set since it's fairly easy to hide the cuts, especially in the fall and winter.
5) The fingernails. Nothing says "I'm a socially maladjusted re re" like using your knife as a little crowbar to pry off a fingernail or two. The pain goes quickly, but the cosmetic effect predictably lasts for a long time. Because of that, this is truly for the hard core cutters only; the ones without shame, the proud ones, and the ones that never leave their house. The hideous nub without a nail will serve as a heartwarming reminder of the pain that you felt when you popped that nail off. . .and when she broke your heart.
So this is it, folks, the official thread for cutting yourselves. It would certainly warm my lacerated heart and appendages if you filled this thread with your own wonderful stories of self-mutilation, along with any hot tips, cool scars, and keen music to make yourself bleed to!
Thanks Evilbore!
