Pirates 3 was AWFUL - MORE STEAM!!!

[The Fake Shemp]

This is from someone that really enjoyed the first one, moderately enjoyed the second one and was ready to give this one a shot.  I took out CrystalGemini for her birthday, and even she was anticipating the movie, but by the end of it, both her and I and the surrounding audience of twenty-somethings were cutting up on the movie.  It was that bad.

It was too long, yet had the least amount of Sparrow.  The plot was so over-the-top that it made Spider-Man 3 look like a period drama.  The payoff is the worst climax since I've seen G cum on Roxy in that YouPorn video.  What?  Only two ships battle?  What in the fuck!

[G The Resurrected]

First happy birthday Becky hope you liked your birthday cupcake (sorry no doggy birthday pictures)

Did you like dead mans chest? people that seem to have hated that movie (myself included) love/like worlds end more. Me personally i enjoyed it a lot. i dont get the hate on the movie.

[Solo]

Yeah, Im sort of dreading my viewing. 3 hours for a movie that presumably has no meat (just like its predecessors) to sustain such a running time? Should be an interesting show. Think Im gonna go mid week or so.

[The Fake Shemp]

Dude, this movie is like an hour too long.  It has some of the dumbest scenes and plot devices featured yet.

Seriously, how can you make it the LONGEST Pirates film, but have the least amount of Sparrow screen time.  He is the recipe for humor and awesome high seas adventure, but it's a good forty minutes before you even see him.

The best part of the film, and the only one I can honestly recommend, is when Sparrow and Barbosa are co-captaining the Black Pearl midway through the film.  The back and forth between the two as they compete is fantastic.  I wish the film had fed and developed that instead of abandoning it.

The EPIC duel between Davy Jones and Sparrow also feels forced and completely lackluster, as the two characters have seen each other a total of 120 seconds in the last two films!  I'm serious!  Davy Jones isn't even aware of Sparrow's return to life until the beginning of the third act!

Dumbest scene has to go to the evil, Lord Cutler Beckett, who despite all the foreshadowing and promises, has absolutely no backstory developed here (in both films, Sparrow rubs a P that is branded on his forearm when his name is mentioned - which is ALL we get for backstory).  When his ship is destroyed, he casually walks down the ship as it is EXPLODING INTO PIECES AROUND HIM in slow motion.  It was so over-the-top and ridiculous, people were laughing hysterically.

This film is bloated and has no soul.

[The Fake Shemp]

Also, they killed the Kracken off screen - which was hella lame.

[CrystalGemini]

Also, they killed the Kracken off screen - which was hella lame.

HELLA.

[bork]

Yeah, I kinda have to agree.  I still can't call it "awful," but the second movie was a lot better in comparison (and the first, as we all know, is way, WAY better...in a different class entirely).

I think the move to "Star Wars" the movie up and make it darker was a bad one.  The film is also quite lacking in Jack Sparrow, who is arguably the character that everyone wants to see.  This movie instead is about Will Turner and Elisabeth Swan.

Willco, the ship battle had me scratching my head too.  It's like they forgot that they showed a fleet of ships coming in.      I get the feeling a LOT of stuff got cut, which would explain why they Kracken's death wasn't shown, how the dog got off the island with the cannibals, etc. etc.

Dumbest scene has to go to the evil, Lord Cutler Beckett, who despite all the foreshadowing and promises, has absolutely no backstory developed here (in both films, Sparrow rubs a P that is branded on his forearm when his name is mentioned - which is ALL we get for backstory).  When his ship is destroyed, he casually walks down the ship as it is EXPLODING INTO PIECES AROUND HIM in slow motion.  It was so over-the-top and ridiculous, people were laughing hysterically.

This is the scene that, IIRC an AICN review said was going to be heralded for its excellent use of special effects and acting.   

[Disposable White Guy]

I got what I wanted out of it.  Went in expecting a summer popcorn flick with moderately decent action.  Delivered.  Sure, I have gripes with the Kracken just kinda showing up as a rotting carcass on a beach.  Elizabeth Sexyabsandlips and Legolas getting more screentime than Sparrow was as annoying as it was in Dead Man's Chest.  The whole HAR HAR HAR CALYPSO AM SEA GODDESS DAVY JONES FELL IN LOVE WITH SEA SO HE LOVE CALYPSO OMFG SHES HUGE WTF Y SHE TURN INTO CRABS was unnecessarily rediculous and could've been written out entirely, with more focus on Sparrow's backstory, which would've left Davy Jones as this monster with a heart deal.  Instead we got a cameo from Keith Richards, which was kinda cool, but another rushed shortfall.

But honestly, I never went into the theater thinking that this was going to have a great storyline like I was with Spider-Man 3, as it was pretty obvious from DMC that the writers really didn't care too much about coherency.  I got a decent action flick with a little eyecandy and a bloated storyline.  I probably wouldn't want to see another, however.

Also, seeing Live Free Or Die Hard on the big screen was niiiice.

[The Fake Shemp]

Yeah, the Keith Richards cameo seemed kind of stupid in execution.

The Calypso bit was also ridiculous... and stupid.  See, I would've enjoyed this film if it delivered on action, but... it didn't.  There are like two action set pieces.  It was just really long and nonsensical.

I think CrystalGemini said it best - walking out of At World's End felt a lot like walking out of Superman Returns.

[Mupepe]

i was going to see it last night but got sidetracked by a bar. 

pirates 1 =

first 1/2 of pirates 2 = and :yawn

second 1/2 of pirates 2 = and :cocktease

from what everyone says of pirates 3 = :blueballs

[Human Snorenado]

I'm probably going to wait until it hits dvd I suppose.

[bork]

Yeah, the Keith Richards cameo seemed kind of stupid in execution.

But it was just a cameo, and it was funny at that.  I liked the whole scene with all the pirates gathered; that reminded me of the previous movies.  Good stuff.

I think CrystalGemini said it best - walking out of At World's End felt a lot like walking out of Superman Returns.

Superman Returns was far, far worse. 

[The Sceneman]

The first film was quite good, the second one blew and Im only watching this if my future girlfriend rents the tape and makes me watch it in order to have sex with her

[G The Resurrected]

wait you have a future girlfriend? wtf please explain you've been to the future or she has?

[The Sceneman]

I mean a babe that I will potentially date has to make me watch this or something

[Cheebs]

i was going to see it last night but got sidetracked by a bar. 

pirates 1 =

first 1/2 of pirates 2 = and :yawn

second 1/2 of pirates 2 = and :cocktease

from what everyone says of pirates 3 = :blueballs

If you liked pirates 2 you'd like pirates 3. They are basically the same movie. Lucky for me I was under-whelmed by 2.

[bork]

If you liked pirates 2 you'd like pirates 3. They are basically the same movie. Lucky for me I was under-whelmed by 2.

Disagree.

[Cyanista]

Pirates 2 was a travesty.  No way in any of the hells would I pay money to watch this in a theater.  It will be lucky if I even rent it.

Why are all this year's summer movies so horribly, horribly ruinous? 

[Phoenix Dark]

If you liked pirates 2 you'd like pirates 3. They are basically the same movie. Lucky for me I was under-whelmed by 2.

Disagree.

qft

POTC2 was actually good.

[Mupepe]

No, the first half of POTC2 was terrible.  The movie is only good if you start it halfway through.  The last hour was awesome.

[TVC15]

POTC2 was basically snoresville up until they got off cannibal island.  After that it was pretty good.  The wheel action sequence went on way too long, and the dice game played by the crustacea-pirates wasn't explained well and that sequence was confusing.  Oh, and Orlando Bloom and that skinny white bitch should not be in the movie at all.  Those are the problems with PotC2.

[Mupepe]

POTC2 was basically snoresville up until they got off cannibal island.  After that it was pretty good.  The wheel action sequence went on way too long, and the dice game played by the crustacea-pirates wasn't explained well and that sequence was confusing.  Oh, and Orlando Bloom and that skinny white bitch should not be in the movie at all.  Those are the problems with PotC2.

QFT QFT QFT IAWTP FHUTA

I still don't understand that dice game and i've watched that scene like 6 times.

[TVC15]

POTC2 was basically snoresville up until they got off cannibal island.  After that it was pretty good.  The wheel action sequence went on way too long, and the dice game played by the crustacea-pirates wasn't explained well and that sequence was confusing.  Oh, and Orlando Bloom and that skinny white bitch should not be in the movie at all.  Those are the problems with PotC2.

QFT QFT QFT IAWTP FHUTA

I still don't understand that dice game and i've watched that scene like 6 times.

I think the dice game is probably the most aggravating scene, because I don't see how the director or editor could possibly look at that and say, "Yep, this is as good as it could be!"  I, too, have watched the scene multiple times and I still have no fucking clue.  Was there nobody on the crew that could nudge Gore or the editors and say, "Hey, this scene isn't, you know, comprehensible.  Can you maybe fix it?"  I think it's worse than the boring first hour or so. . .at least that made sense!

[The Fake Shemp]

The worst part is that Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley are thrust into the front of this movie and try to carry it on their backs - and fail.  Depp gets the least amount of screen time, which given the running time, is fucking criminal.  Their characters are not interesting at all.  I found myself caring more about the supporting pirate characters than the main ones.  The movie falls apart because it does not recognize we want pirates, not Natalie Portman redux and Legolas making out.

[TVC15]

Are you kidding about Orlando and Skinny White Whore?  They are the WORST parts of the series!  I'm not kidding when I say they should have been killed off in the first movie.

[BlackMage]

Saw this movie yesterday. It was a complete mess. It's as if they cut the important plot scenes and left in the dull incomprehensible scenes. This is the worst edited movie I have ever seen with the budget they had.

[The Fake Shemp]

Are you kidding about Orlando and Skinny White Whore?  They are the WORST parts of the series!  I'm not kidding when I say they should have been killed off in the first movie.

No, I'm unfortunately not.  First off, it's a good forty minutes or so 'till we even get to see Johnny Deppy and until then it's the Legolas & Kiera show.  Which even Geoffrey Rush is not able to salvage.

The last part of the movie completely revolves around those two.  Also, and this is a spoiler:

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Kiera becomes KING of the Pirates!

[close]

... so she gets more screen time than ever before.  They get married during the climatic battle, which apparently only three ships fight as hundreds just stay on opposite sides doing nothing, in one of the worst bits I've seen in these movies yet.

Even worse, while this is going on, there's a good twenty to thirty minutes near the end where Depp is stuck in jail doing nothing 'till he breaks out.

[DJ_Tet]

POTC2 was basically snoresville up until they got off cannibal island.  After that it was pretty good.  The wheel action sequence went on way too long, and the dice game played by the crustacea-pirates wasn't explained well and that sequence was confusing.  Oh, and Orlando Bloom and that skinny white bitch should not be in the movie at all.  Those are the problems with PotC2.

I was so disenfranchised at that point I barely remember anything.  It's been a long time since I've been as disappointed by a movie as I was with PoTC2.  Sounds like I was lucky not to get roped into this one.  The previews got me fairly hyped, and I wondered if it would somehow retroactively make the second movie better.  Like Cyanista I'm glad I didn't waste the money.  


edit:  And after reading Willco's summary, let me say it's criminal how they wasted the only good character in the whole series.  Oh well, we'll always have the first one I suppose.

[BlackMage]

Are you kidding about Orlando and Skinny White Whore?  They are the WORST parts of the series!  I'm not kidding when I say they should have been killed off in the first movie.

No, I'm unfortunately not.  First off, it's a good forty minutes or so 'till we even get to see Johnny Deppy and until then it's the Legolas & Kiera show.  Which even Geoffrey Rush is not able to salvage.

The last part of the movie completely revolves around those two.  Also, and this is a spoiler:

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Kiera becomes KING of the Pirates!

[close]

... so she gets more screen time than ever before.  They get married during the climatic battle, which apparently only three ships fight as hundreds just stay on opposite sides doing nothing, in one of the worst bits I've seen in these movies yet.

Even worse, while this is going on, there's a good twenty to thirty minutes near the end where Depp is stuck in jail doing nothing 'till he breaks out.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

what about all that crap about releasing Calypso and all she does when she is finally released is make a whirlpool?!

[close]

 

[The Fake Shemp]

Actually, I enjoyed Dead Man's Chest (although mostly on the hope that loose ends would be resolved by its sequel) for the 6.9 caliber film it was.  A flawed, drawn out and mostly entertaining popcorn fare in a nice, cool theatre on a fucking abysmal, hot Los Angeles summer day.

However, At World's End almost makes the film retroactively worse.

[The Fake Shemp]

Yeah, the bit with Calypso was awful.  That was pretty bad too.  CrystalGemini chuckled when she grew to enormous proportions and EXPLODED INTO CRABS.

What a jumbled mess.

[The Fake Shemp]

Also, the worst thing to me is that going to get Jack was incredibly boring.  The World's End was boring.  It was not exciting or anything not realized 'till this film - just boring.  The film, for the most part, never recovers.

[FatalT]

I was hoping she would stay big and then a little boy would randomly appear on the ship and say, "Daddy I want to ride that ride!" like in Dude, Where's My Car. That would've made the movie an A+ to me. Alas, that did not happen. No giganticus boobs, either...she was all roped up. Kinda kinky but also disturbing at the same time considering she's black and most of the pirate crew is white. Oh well. At least that little kid at the beginning of the movie was hung. Little shit kid. Should've never started singing.

[The Fake Shemp]

I really, really dug that opening scene.  I wish the rest of the movie was that good.

[Mr. Gundam]

I didn't think that At World's End was that bad, I actually enjoyed it much more than Dead Man's Chest. It probably also helped that I went with a group of ten friends and we were passing around water bottles full of rum during the movie and yelled YARR a lot before the movie began.

I don't think the residents of Aberdeen, WA enjoyed our annoying fun loving Seattle-ite asses.

[Melissa]

It was too long

  2 hours and 47 minutes???  Are they pirates or snails?

[The Fake Shemp]

I think At World's End makes Dead Man's Chest retroactively worse.

[Melissa]

I was so bored with part 2, I can't imagine I'll even rent this 3rd (rhymes with turd) one.

[The Fake Shemp]

Here's what the boggle is, Melissa - you do these one movie, split-in-half thing to setup for the second half.  Y'know?  So Dead Man's Chest was supposed to setup At World's End... except it didn't.  Almost all the major plot points for At World's End had to be addressed with long, boring and rushed exposition.  Dead Man's Chest almost feels pointless.  The only plot point it carries is the actual chest and Jack is dead.

[Melissa]

So Dead Man's Chest was supposed to setup At World's End... except it didn't.  Almost all the major plot points for At World's End had to be addressed with long, boring and rushed exposition.

Yay for Hollywood!

[cloudwalking]

i can't believe chow yun-fat was in the movie and he didn't even have ONE decent fucking action scene

[BlackMage]

i can't believe chow yun-fat was in the movie and he didn't even have ONE decent fucking action scene

yeah, srsly, WHAT THE FUCK?!

[lordmaji]

Did you tell everyone in the theater how awesome you are? I hope so.

  

[Saint Cornelius]

I was so bored with part 2, I can't imagine I'll even rent this 3rd (rhymes with turd) one.

I saw the fucker at the El Capitan and all the Disney Magik (TM) in the world couldn't save that movie from being quite shite.

[Tauntaun]

You know what the worst part of this is, besides the bullshit meter blowing up from pressure and them cutting to 18 million peoples faces when it's time to say "FIRE!", is that you know there's gonna be PoTC4: search for the fountain of youth

spoiler (click to show/hide)

so the distinguished mentally-challenged lovers can spend eternity together

[close]

[etiolate]

I like potc3 more than 2.  The second film was way over the top and the stunts ridiculous. Also, the love triangle business in two really ruined it.

In 3, they remove Jack from the love triangle, the stunts are less ridiculous and the film generally more interesting and less just a special effects bonanza. 

What I didn't like is introducing the calypso plotline and then not really paying off with it.  I wanted to see calypso and davey jones go at it.  The scene with the EIC captain walking as his ship blows up makes no sense and is overdramatized.

What I did like was Sparrow going insane.  It took awhile for him to get into the film, but that first part with him all alone is good stuff.  I also like Elizabeth kicking ass and barking orders. Now that I think of it, her character was ten times better whenever Turner was not around. Bloom was the weakest of the stars I'd say. Sparrow and Barbosa together is always good and some of the best parts of the movie.

potc 1 > potc3 > potc2

[Cheebs]

you know there's gonna be PoTC4: search for the fountain of youth

It is apparently penned in by disney for summer 2010. Bloom and Knightly will not be returning.

[Tauntaun]

you know there's gonna be PoTC4: search for the fountain of youth

It is apparently penned in by disney for summer 2010. Bloom and Knightly will not be returning.

their characters are out or they aren't reprising their rolls?

[PhoenixWright]

When his ship is destroyed, he casually walks down the ship as it is EXPLODING INTO PIECES AROUND HIM in slow motion.  It was so over-the-top and ridiculous, people were laughing hysterically.

Maybe I just read that differently, but I liked that scene. I saw it more as he thought he was invincible, and he couldn't believe that he was defeated, so he just walked casually down in disbelief as everything he thought about himself was shattered. I may be wrong on it, but reading it that way, it felt very satisfying.

[Cheebs]

you know there's gonna be PoTC4: search for the fountain of youth

It is apparently penned in by disney for summer 2010. Bloom and Knightly will not be returning.

their characters are out or they aren't reprising their rolls?

er they aren't recasting them (also they both said they are done after pirates 3, unlike depp). Did you watch Pirates 3? The story of their characters has nothing to do with sparrow and barbosa and has closure.

[Coop]

you know there's gonna be PoTC4: search for the fountain of youth

It is apparently penned in by disney for summer 2010. Bloom and Knightly will not be returning.

Thank god if true.. make the next movie 2 hours of Jack.

[futami]

having watched the first two installments, both of which inducing tears of boredom, i can safely say that i'm not too shocked that the third act is no less mediocre.

why are you people surprised?