We used to have the fattest fuckin' cat -- this white mongrel throwrug we named Murray. We found him in a Wal-Mart parking lot when he was no older than maybe six weeks, apparently abandoned by some crazy hillbillies. He was as close to distinguished mentally-challenged as any animal I've even seen, and he blossomed into a monstrous fatass within the year. He used to just FLOW over things like some sort of hairy white protoplasmic mass. Funniest shit I ever seen was when he'd leap to jump on our six foot cat tower and his amoebic bulk would, by dint of unmaintainable inertia, precede the rest of his body and CARRY HIM OVER IT to fall down on the other side. It was like someone had tossed a giant furry blob of pizza dough at the tower and missed. He'd fall off shit all the time.
I take that back -- the funniest shit I ever seen was when he dryhumped our female cat in the middle of the living room during Thanksgiving. I thought my mom was gonna have an aneurysm.
being distinguished mentally-challenged, though, he never figured out how to use the cat litter and would rub his diarrheic asshole all over the carpet, creating ghastly green-brown mandalas. The carpertcleaning bill got brutal. He'd also chew through ANY cord he could find. I swear, that cat cost me around $10K before his untimely demise to a polyp in his colon.
