the new evilbore canon round one: metroid prime

[Van Cruncheon]

...is shit. here at evilbore, we apparently pride ourselves on being gamers of taste and discretion. every day, at videogame magazines and on videogaming forums, crimes against good taste are committed by nostalgia-addled manchildren, agenda-driven system warriors, wanna-be industry insiders, and homojapuals. in order to rectify these wrongs, it is important that we establish a proper canon against which we can further our discussions of this shitty cut-rate hobby.

i would like to propose the first entry in the establishment of this canon: metroid prime is a shitty fucking game. it is boring, it has shit controls, it is kinda ugly, and is a gross failure of fps design.

thoughts? note that only gamers of knowledge and authority can speak to the establishment of this canon. unfortunately for fans of metroid prime, this list of experts does not include you.

[Bildi]

I thought it was one of the best games of that gen.

I think I'm doing it wrong. 

[Crushed]

I liked this videogame, it was very fun and was entertaining.

[MCD]

never played it therefore it's shit.

[Van Cruncheon]

never played it therefore it's shit.

you are one of the good ones.

[Crushed]

i like fun videogames, i play them for entertainment and was entertained

[Van Cruncheon]

i like fun videogames, i play them for entertainment and was entertained

that is 100% bullshit and get out of this thread unless you know videogames

[Bildi]

I have a feeling the phrase "nintards" or similar is about to get thrown about liberally.

How one can love Assassin's Creed yet hate Metroid Prime?  I'm so confused.   :'(

[demi]

Are we talking a specific one, or all of them

Here is my thread on Metroid Prime 3

http://www.evilbore.com/forum/index.php?topic=13808.0

[Jabberwocky]

Fantastic game. And from a rookie western studio, who would have thought!

[Van Cruncheon]

the first one. the third was actually somewhat playable. somewhat.

[Crushed]

i like fun videogames, i play them for entertainment and was entertained

that is 100% bullshit and get out of this thread unless you know videogames

i play diablo and tribes and quake and love games like castlevania and shooters and sidescrollers and japafag rpgs


i enjoyed metroid prime it was very fun

[Van Cruncheon]

you seem to have missed the part where liking metroid prime automatically makes you unworthy to determine canon

please leave

[drohne]

'metroid prime is shit' is the axiom upon which any true games criticism is necessarily based

when we discuss a game, we are implicitly discussing its proximity to metroid prime, which varies inversely with its quality

[Crushed]

you seem to have missed the part where liking metroid prime automatically makes you unworthy to determine canon

please leave

your tautology does not faze me

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

I liked it and got 100% completion but in fact, once I beat it, I never touched it again.

[demi]

Haze > Metroid Prime

Trust me, I know

[Great Rumbler]

Metroid Prime was one of my favorite games from the last generation, along with ICO, Shadow of the Colossus, Half-Life 2 and San Andreas. It has a great mix of action [especially in the boss battles] and explorations, aided by a moody atmosphere of isolation, an amazing art direction, and a great score. The control scheme wasn't ideal, but it works with the type of game that MP is.

MP2 was a step down and was just too tedious with the constant switching between worlds, but it did have the breathtaking Sanctuary Fortress which is probably still my favorite level from the Prime trilogy. MP3 was better than 2, but I don't think I'd put it above MP1 even though it did control so much better.

To summarize, if you hate Metroid Prime you have no taste. Sorry, Prole. 

[Van Cruncheon]

back when i was an english undergrad, we had a recent phd graduate apply for an assistant professorship in our department. his area of specialty? the works of stephen king. needless to say, he did not get the job.

"but why?" asked the earnest student and fan of horror fiction. "stephen king's novels receive great critical reviews from many publications! they are loved by many, many people throughout the world!"

because," my advisor told that student, "we are experts in literature, not books."

[Bildi]

you seem to have missed the part where liking metroid prime automatically makes you unworthy to determine canon

please leave

Posts 2 and 3 of this thread were made prior to you amending your original post to exclude such posters, and therefore these two posts should be taken into account for the establishment of the canon.

[Crushed]

back when i was an english undergrad, we had a recent phd graduate apply for an assistant professorship in our department. his area of specialty? the works of stephen king. needless to say, he did not get the job.

"but why?" asked the earnest student and fan of horror fiction. "stephen king's novels receive great critical reviews from many publications! they are loved by many, many people throughout the world!"

because," my advisor told that student, "we are experts in literature, not books."

Wow, your adviser gave that student a rather pretentious and meaningless non-answer.

[Great Rumbler]

Was Metroid Prime the one with all the pointless scanning, or the one with the bad first person platforming?

It would have to be the first since Metroid Prime had no bad first person platforming.

[Van Cruncheon]

you seem to have missed the part where liking metroid prime automatically makes you unworthy to determine canon

please leave

Posts 2 and 3 of this thread were made prior to you amending your original post to exclude such posters, and therefore these two posts should be taken into account for the establishment of the canon.

while i find your rules lawyering to be appropriately academic, we must also observe certain rules in order to ensure that the canon be complete and authoritative. therefore, it is necessary to reject the opinions of those who are not authorities, which by definition, includes fans of metroid prime. this would be the same if i created a thread about literary canon and crushed put the works of richard a. knaak up for consideration. we are protecting the intellectual integrity of this endeavor.

[Narag]

I enjoyed the first but the second was like a drawn out kick to the balls. The third was like a false truce where I ended up betrayed but my enemy didn't even think me worthy of the ball kick and so left me wondering what the hell was going on.

[Van Cruncheon]

Was Metroid Prime the one with all the pointless scanning, or the one with the bad first person platforming?

It would have to be the first since Metroid Prime had no bad first person platforming.

No I rather remember it having bad first person platforming, since all platforming done in the first person is poor.

i nominate you to the board as adjunct. your reasoning is impeccable

[Great Rumbler]

Was Metroid Prime the one with all the pointless scanning, or the one with the bad first person platforming?

It would have to be the first since Metroid Prime had no bad first person platforming.

No I rather remember it having bad first person platforming, since all platforming done in the first person is poor.

I don't see how anyone could have any problems with the platforming in MP. It was fairly minimal, though more than most FPSs, and designed to work as intuitively as possible, which it did.

[Crushed]

this would be the same if i created a thread about literary canon and crushed put the works of richard a. knaak up for consideration. we are protecting the intellectual integrity of this endeavor.

I have no idea who that is, but he must be pretty bad.

[demi]

Even Haze knows not to have crappy platforming in first person

That's right, Haze

Are you going to cry?

[Great Rumbler]

Was Metroid Prime the one with all the pointless scanning, or the one with the bad first person platforming?

It would have to be the first since Metroid Prime had no bad first person platforming.

No I rather remember it having bad first person platforming, since all platforming done in the first person is poor.

I don't see how anyone could have any problems with the platforming in MP. It was fairly minimal, though more than most FPSs, and designed to work as intuitively as possible, which it did.

Working as intuitively as possible, and being good aren't the same thing.

I never had any problems with it and I've played through it several times.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

canon in D minus

[Van Cruncheon]

you could make an intuitive escort mission, but it'd still be an escort mission.

[Narag]

you could make an intuitive escort mission, but it'd still be an escort mission.

Do stealth missions work like that too?  :'(

[Crushed]

What's so different about platforming in first-person and third person? It's almost exactly the same, except the camera is closer. I never had any problems with it, especially since they made it so that your view tilts downwards slightly while jumping, letting you adjust yourself.

[Great Rumbler]

you could make an intuitive escort mission, but it'd still be an escort mission.

An escort mission is defined by an unknown that the player has no direct control of, which is why it's so reviled. Same goes for AI partners, though this is an area that has slowly given more control to the player.

First person platforming is just perspective.

Was Metroid Prime the one with all the pointless scanning, or the one with the bad first person platforming?

It would have to be the first since Metroid Prime had no bad first person platforming.

No I rather remember it having bad first person platforming, since all platforming done in the first person is poor.

I don't see how anyone could have any problems with the platforming in MP. It was fairly minimal, though more than most FPSs, and designed to work as intuitively as possible, which it did.

Working as intuitively as possible, and being good aren't the same thing.

I never had any problems with it and I've played through it several times.

This is probably part of the problem.

Whoops, you caught me there. I'd been trying to hide my problems from everyone here, but you're detective skills are just too much. Okay, guys, I admit it...I'm an MP-junkie. It's completely devastated my life and crippled my ability to properly appreciate truly great games. I'm sorry, I can't help myself...

[drohne]

What's so different about platforming in first-person and third person?

it's analogous to the difference between stephen king and literature. mr. rygar's denunciation of first-person platforming is exhaustive -- if it seems to require explanation, this is only a product of your irremediable alienation from the canon. the root of this alienation is your regard for metroid prime.

[Crushed]

Third person 3d platforming is a bad approximation of 2d platforming in the first place, so in the most Platonic sense first person platforming just sucks.

What's so different about platforming in first-person and third person?

it's analogous to the difference between stephen king and literature. mr. rygar's denunciation of first-person platforming is exhaustive -- if it seems to require explanation, this is only a product of your irremediable alienation from the canon. the root of this alienation is your regard for metroid prime.

Neither one of you is answering the question.

[Van Cruncheon]

Third person 3d platforming is a bad approximation of 2d platforming in the first place, so in the most Platonic sense first person platforming just sucks.

What's so different about platforming in first-person and third person?

it's analogous to the difference between stephen king and literature. mr. rygar's denunciation of first-person platforming is exhaustive -- if it seems to require explanation, this is only a product of your irremediable alienation from the canon. the root of this alienation is your regard for metroid prime.

Neither one of you is answering the question.

no question has been asked; or at least, no question has been asked that is not fully addressed by the original post

[Fragamemnon]

I bought Metriod Prime for the GC when it came out and found it really, well, bad. Nothing in the game's environment was particularly interesting, the controls were downright nightmarish coming from pc fps games, and most of the mechanics were either designed to tickle nostalgia glands or be terribly frustrating due to perspective.

Very weak and forgettable game for me. I think I played like a quarter of the way through or so before moving on to something else, just waiting to see if it would pick up and be OMFG AWESOME like everyone on gaming-age was saying at the time.

professor, I do say that the huge praise that metriod prime receives  fails evilbore peer review.

[Bildi]

you seem to have missed the part where liking metroid prime automatically makes you unworthy to determine canon

please leave

Posts 2 and 3 of this thread were made prior to you amending your original post to exclude such posters, and therefore these two posts should be taken into account for the establishment of the canon.

while i find your rules lawyering to be appropriately academic, we must also observe certain rules in order to ensure that the canon be complete and authoritative. therefore, it is necessary to reject the opinions of those who are not authorities, which by definition, includes fans of metroid prime. this would be the same if i created a thread about literary canon and crushed put the works of richard a. knaak up for consideration. we are protecting the intellectual integrity of this endeavor.

I concur that the opinions of those individuals who are not authorities on this game must be excluded from the canon.  And if we are to abide by internet gaming forum rules, the only ones who can offer a truly authoritative and definitive opinion on the game are those who have never played it.

As I have played the game, I concede my positive opinion must be excluded.  Naturally, any person who has played the game and has a negative opinion should also be excluded.

[Debaser]

Third person 3d platforming is a bad approximation of 2d platforming in the first place, so in the most Platonic sense first person platforming just sucks.

What's so different about platforming in first-person and third person?

it's analogous to the difference between stephen king and literature. mr. rygar's denunciation of first-person platforming is exhaustive -- if it seems to require explanation, this is only a product of your irremediable alienation from the canon. the root of this alienation is your regard for metroid prime.

Neither one of you is answering the question.

I don't understand why you want the question answered. Who are you trying to convince?

[patrickula]

I enjoyed it... but I never beat the last boss.  Too long and difficult and it's not like I cared about where the story was going  

[Crushed]

or at least, no question has been asked that is not fully addressed by the original post

I see only opinions about the game which don't address the question about what exactly makes first person platforming bad.


Fie upon this house of lies; it is anti-intellectual.

[Great Rumbler]

Third person 3d platforming is a bad approximation of 2d platforming in the first place, so in the most Platonic sense first person platforming just sucks.

The former statement might have some credibility were it not for the existence of Super Mario Galaxy, which does things that a 2D platformer simply couldn't.

[Van Cruncheon]

according to the idiots who populate message boards, if you do not like metroid prime, you have clearly not played it properly. therefore, it is safe to assume that not having played the game is functionally identical to having a negative opinion of the game, and likewise, only negative opinions should be considered under your convenient logic. corollary to this substitution is the fact that metroid prime is a shitty fucking game.

this is called the "shenmue" rule

[y2kev]

the 3d platforming thing is like "if you have to ask, you'll never know" blah blah blah

I think it's fairly okay, but the biggest problem is not being able to correct yourself in midair as well because you can't really see the back and front of the platform you are jumping to simultaneously.

people were fairly high on MP platforming, but i don't really see what it does that makes it that distinct from other FPS games (like halo, for example, which has an equally forgiving floaty physics model)

[Madrun Badrun]

Goddamn it Drinky.  MP1 is easily one of my favorite games. 

[pilonv1]

I played it and it was fucking horrible. Shit aiming, boring unpopulated levels with first person platforming and ridiculous backtracking.

I guess if it was the only first person game available on the console you might think it's good due to lack of choice. Those of us who have been playing them for years on PC and Xbox laugh at the shittyness of this terrible, terrible game.

[Crushed]

I played it and it was fucking horrible. Shit aiming, boring unpopulated levels with first person platforming and ridiculous backtracking.

I guess if it was the only first person game available on the console you might think it's good due to lack of choice. Those of us who have been playing them for years on PC and Xbox laugh at the shittyness of this terrible, terrible game.

I've enjoyed FPS games on PC for years and loved Metroid Prime. 

[pilonv1]

there are always exceptions to every rule. you are all of them

[Great Rumbler]

I played it and it was fucking horrible. Shit aiming, boring unpopulated levels with first person platforming and ridiculous backtracking.

I guess if it was the only first person game available on the console you might think it's good due to lack of choice. Those of us who have been playing them for years on PC and Xbox laugh at the shittyness of this terrible, terrible game.

I played hours of Unreal Tournament long before Metroid Prime came out.

[recursivelyenumerable]

ooh, can we sneak Legend of Mana > Secret of Mana and Romancing SaGa > all other Square games into the canon before anyone else notices?  

[Great Rumbler]

ooh, can we sneak Legend of Mana > Secret of Mana and Romancing SaGa > all other Square games into the canon before anyone else notices?   

I second the motion for Legend of Mana > Secret of Mana.

[patrickula]

Call me an exception too.  I had tons of prior PC FPS experience.
I didn't go into Metroid Prime expecting a good FPS, I'd heard enough about it's quirks already, I just wanted a good game... and I got that.

Never had any desire to play a sequel though  

[Great Rumbler]

Never had any desire to play a sequel though 

Skip Echoes unless someone you know has a save game at the start of Sanctuary Fortress.

[Van Cruncheon]

ooh, can we sneak Legend of Mana > Secret of Mana and Romancing SaGa > all other Square games into the canon before anyone else notices?  

definitely

[Crushed]

Yeah, I remember playing Metroid Prime 2 and getting something like 85% completion the first time around. I never bothered going back and getting the rest, and I never successfully did a second playthrough (just like Twilight Princess!).

[y2kev]

metroid prime 2 IS shit

I have to say I did enjoy MP1 and MP3, but MP2 no. Hated that game.

[Great Rumbler]

Yeah, I remember playing Metroid Prime 2 and getting something like 85% completion the first time around. I never bothered going back and getting the rest, and I never successfully did a second playthrough (just like Twilight Princess!).

I beat MP2 and then put it away for a long time. Later I came back and played through to Sanctuary Fortress just to see that level again. Yes, I like that level that much.

[youtube=425,350]tS7rWu4aRR8[/youtube]

[Oblivion]

If I could actually play it without feeling nauseated, I'd probably like it. 

[Great Rumbler]

If I could actually play it without feeling nauseated, I'd probably like it.