Well, I had some time off this summer, so I decided to make an experience of it. Instead of going to Japan or South America or whatever, I decided that I needed something more liberating. I wanted to throw off the chains of norms constructed by society and traveled off into the ultimate freedom of international waters. It was pretty awesome. I spent almost the entire time free on my raft, enjoying my bluefin tuna without concern for how society and their incessant bitching about the tragedy of the commons would interfere with my right to fish.
It would have been the perfect vacation, but then something went horribly wrong. You see, I was not the only free spirited traveler of the true land of the free. Some of my fellow compatriots convinced me to join their business venture. “Why sure” I thought. “I’m an enterprising individual.” Even after it was explained to me that this business venture was piracy and that it involved taking the property of other through force, I continued to be okay with it.
You see, I naively thought that in a state of anarchy, due to the lack of formal institutions, would mean that I could freely take what I wanted without consequence. Unfortunately, I failed to consider the role that NATURAL RIGHTS would play in this scenario. How foolish I was, to only consider constructs of society. It was no sooner than I tried to take my first ship that IT HAPPENED.
A giant force field instantly surrounded my intended target and protected everyone on the boat from my assault. I barely had time to process what has happening before a powerful voice began booming inside my head.
“Gruco, my son. You have defied the laws of NATURAL RIGHTS.”
“Who?” I thought. And then I knew.
It was Him.
The Ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
“My son, do you know nothing? Those people have the right to life.”
“But Ghost of Thomas Jefferson!” I cried, desperately. “Are not rights constructs by society? There is no one to enforce their rights here in international waters. What use is there to say rights exist when none can be enforced?”
“SILENCE!” And never had any so known the wrath of the Ghost of Thomas Jefferson before that moment.
“NATUARAL RIGHTS exists because they exit. So I speak, and it is so. It matters not on whether they can be enforced. It matters not whether people know of them. They simply are. From now on I will expect you to respect them, or you can expect my wrath again.”
“Oh” I said. “But, hey, wait, Ghost of Thomas Jefferson, shouldn’t we have like a crash course on NATURAL RIGHTS so that I know exactly what they are? I mean, I’m pretty sure we can agree that murder is bad, for example, but won’t it get pretty nuanced? I mean, people have difference preferences and Arrows Impossibility Theorem states…”
“FOOL. NATURAL RIGHTS are obvious to anyone who so opens his eyes. I shall not suffer the indignity of discussing something that is so obvious. Search your heart. There you will find The Axiomatic Theorem of NATURAL RIGHTS.”
“Um, okay. I have to say, this almost sounds like a religious thing…”
“LOL, whatever. It’s pretty crazy to suggest The Axiomatic Theorem of NATURAL RIGHTS is religious. By hey, shit, I gotta go, I have a hot date with the Ghosts of the Slaves I Used to Rape. I’ll trust you to spread the good word dude.”
So, when I returned to my pirate comrades, I shared with the word of the Ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Recognizing the importance of property rights, we gave up piracy and started, I dunno, farming, I guess. We stopped killing each other in the name of NATURAL RIGHTS. In fact, in order to further the cause, we decided that it would be great if we could develop some way of protecting NATURAL RIGHTS that would be somehow self sustaining. We organized rules of conduct and systems of interacton, which we called “Institutions”, and for a time, we lived in harmony with NATURAL RIGHTS.
But, I regret to inform you, this story does not have a happy ending.
Not satisfied with the ability of our “Institutions” to enforce the right to life and property, we grew proud, and in our hubris, began studying the nature of human interactions, and began creating more and more “Institutions” to fix what our scholars referred to as “market failure” and to help our society grow strong.
There were so many. Eventually we defied the laws of NATURAL RIGHTS, and the Ghost of Thomas Jefferson used his magical force fields to smite our civilization.
Forgive me, Ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
I have failed you.
