Damn I guess today is the day. Gonna either accept the job or hand them a whole team of talented folks to continue on with their project goals. I don't know if I'm even cut out for this. A lot of self doubt over the past few days has been building. I've been doing a lot of driving and not a lot of navigating when it comes to coding. And that's got me worried that I won't be able to keep up with this company going forward. Especially in the capacity that I've been at over this past week. It's got me really charged up to go back to school of all things, but I know that's more of an investment than I have money for. So I'm gonna talk it over with the powers that be and see if they think I should stay. Or if I should find someone to help lead the project moving forward.
On one hand it'd be great to have this job. On the other I know my limits and I reached them I think this week. I crammed in learning two languages into just a day so we could rapidly prototype these things out. Why I never had any interest in this stuff till later in life baffles me. I could have had a damn CS degree and been in a business program, but no. I didn't go down this path till my late 20's. Now I don't feel worth of the position being given to me. I don't k now what's wrong with me, but it's really starting to get to me.
We already rapidly got a few iterations going concurrently side by side cause everyone has thus far been working directly with me. This fragmentation has a few benefits as it gives me a clearer picture of what each person is capable of. I've already told two people that their skills while great for web development/basic is great. But that they just weren't getting what it was we were looking for. And that was hard to do cause both of them have been unemployed for as long as I have been. So I've been looking at bootcamp/junior level programmers for what seems like all week. Sharing code back and forth watching them build out what we're looking for. So far it's been fantastic and has led to a few initial contracts.
Some of this stuff, especially the math heavy algorithms I can't for the life of me get my head around them. I understand all of the concepts of what it's for and how it functions, but get me under the hood and I couldn't tell you how it all works. I'm trying my hardest to learn as I go along and am considering a few summer classes in math. I never knew how little I knew about math. Also some of the languages needed aren't my main's, adding to that we can't use any libraries so we can't easily grab things we need. Everything has to be built from scratch with certain set parameters being maintained and kept. It's made even some basic stuff very difficult to implement. We have to compensate for whole slew of other things that are proving challenging cause we don't have a testbed yet, to get real world data tests. I'm still waiting on a location so everything has been done in my own home. Which isn't helping my home life.
I don't know what to do...
I'm borderline panic attack. No one around me (family) is understanding how much pressure I'm under to get this going. And maybe it's just my attitude toward them, they just keep acting like it's not a big deal. This is a huge deal which could very well change my life and those around me. Not only would I have something to call my own, but a team to manage and take care of. And I don't know if I'm the right guy for this job. We are gonna meet up later tonight for dinner where I'll be presenting what we've got thus far. I think we have a few directions we could go moving forward. Some in which I stay on in an advisory role and step back from the major decisions. Or one in which a replacement is found. And lastly one in which I continue doing what I'm doing and express to them that thing's may not meet their goals in the time frame they want.
My stomach is in such knots.
