Apparently Windows comes with 3 months of free support so I wasted some time talking to an online technician. They had a fit because I had a few programs that weren't listed as compatible and that an update was required, games like Torchlight and Dirt 3. Those games auto-update through Steam, and I highly doubt they're causing my problems. They refused to let me go on until I took care of it, so I told them I'd look into it and contact them later. Worthless.
When they started things up they also let me know what a valued customer I am:
"Just to let you know this is the Premium Service package, for this time I will do it for FREE because you are in your 90 day of warranty, but usually costs for $99 plus taxes. I really understand how frustrating this could be for you, I am a customer as well, so I'll do my best for you."
Gee, thanks a lot, I really feel like you guys are really going the extra mile for me, giving me FREE support that I'm entitled to within my first day of warranty!