This might be a long post and some will lol don't care but:
I don't post a lot,this thread may seem whiny but it's just I realized I wanted to talk to someone about my day and I didn't have anyone to talk to(IRL). And yes it may be pathetic, but having some forum acknowledge is something, better than nothing. It's me and my mom, and after certain things happened, it seems she has kinda checked out in all facets. I can't talk to her(I never really felt like I could), I can't get what I
need from her, which honestly is to feel like she cares. I know she does but it's hard to explain but I'm not getting anything from her. I get very envious sometimes from some of you, you guys have friends and small or big families and I don't have any of that. It's just me and thoughts most of the day with perfunctory conversation with my mother.
It's not about having friends or family, for me it's just having someone to feel like they legitimately give a shit(IRL) and I don't know how to truly cultivate that in life. And if I were to ever get it, I'd be so needy I'd probably drive them away. Just be grateful if you have friends or family you can truly talk to, you're very lucky. It's not about having a GF(I most certainly did not appreciate the RahXephon comparison). Friendships take such a long time to build and this point in my life(I'm 24) it will be difficult to do so and I haven't had a friend in real life since I was 17. And I don't expect to be cared for or think I deserve love or anything, I'm just so lonely IRL and usually cope with it by not thinking about it. But making this thread brought up all these feelings/thoughts. I feel like being trans did a real humdinger on my self worth, like who would truly want to be around me if they knew.
There's a big honest part of me that doesn't want to be around other trans people because they remind of what a failure I am. And I've told all of this stuff to shrinks before, I don't think they've given me any good advice on it. To think of myself with self worth is to lie to myself and I've been thinking this way for sooooo long, I honestly don't know how to think any other way. In the end, this is my only outlet and many of you may think lol so pathetic but think of how blessed you are that you have someone or someones to talk to in your life who truly care. This is kinda it for me, that or paying someone to listen to my problems(which is difficult nowadays because I have awful insurance and it isn't financial feasible). It's strange I don't like to post about myself because it brings attention to myself/attention whoring but the only way someone will notice
is to post about yourself but I feel I shouldn't because why would anyone care/no would care and I would take it as a rejection of self.
Now I'm still trucking and still making slow and progressive acts in my life. I honestly feel if I tried I could get a GF but then the whole being deviant trans person comes in to play and I get very discouraged. But I'm not gonna give up and I'm gonna try and try and try some more. I just wanted someone to talk about my day(a small nagging tiny little moment) and realized I didn't have anyone.
tl;dr: I'm very lonely but I'm still trucking
