Yeah but you pass. I know it's unfair to lock the thread after making this post but it's very easy to love life or love yourself when things are working out for you. I honestly only come across the whole "being trans is okay/i love being trans" from those that fucking pass.
Your original premise is not far off the mark. I hate being trans; I do not hate myself. That's quite a distinction.
And I would say your observation is wrong. Trans people who pass, know that more than anyone, being trans is dog shit and keep their trans identity to themselves. Why? Because the second you tell someone you're Trans is the second they emasculate you if you're a trans man, or if you're a trans woman, start treating you like a man. Wanna tell that guy who is attracted to you you're a trans woman? Either you are dealing with a fetishist who sees you as a fuck toy because he can't admit he's gay or he'll punch you in the mouth. If he doesn't want to get violent, he will still be disgusted. That is your existence. You need to replace your entire warddrobe out of pocket. Need female facialization surgery? Lol, that's 8 - 20k depending on the operation. Want grs? Lol, if we are talking about surgery in the best place to get grs - Thailand - then we are talking 20k or so including travel expenses. Then there's laser/electro for facial hair. Don't want bottom surgery but live in a state that requires it if you want that M to change to an F on your ID so that when you're stopped by a cop during a routine speed stop you're not physically assaulted? Let's not forget losing half, if not all of your friends and family.
Being trans fucking blows. No one WANTS to be trans. Almost every trans I know would rather be CIS.
The people who are most tied to the trans movement and are openly trans tend to be people who do not pass, and often do so out of necessity, because they don't pass. People who pass get the fuck out of the community, because after sweating so many tears and blood and spending all that money and jumping through legal hoops you would have to be full blown out bonkers or incredibly brave to openly, pubicly identify as trans. This is why when Janet Mock came out it was a huge deal, because the woman passes and has lived with passing privilege for a long time. She had no reason to put herself into "she's a cheeseburger" light like that. People who don't pass make the trans community their community and not a stepping stone towards living their target gender BECAUSE they need that sense of community. That said, I don't know a single passing trans person who is happy being trans. I say this as someone who passes, at the very least, I am happy to live in an age where I can correct being trans medically, because if this were any other era I would have killed myself a long time ago.
But this questions WHY you don't pass. What aren't you doing? Being pretty is work. Hard work. No one you see on the street is pretty without working at it.
What's the one biggest deterrent to passing most trans women neglect?
Voice. Work on voice. It will help you wonders. I highly suggest Deep Stealth's Finding Your Feminine Voice. It is free on YouTube and is helpful for achieving deep stealth if that is your goal. You can be a CIS masculine or boyish looking woman, and people will know you're a woman. Why? Voice. Voice is that important. If you would like a more hands on approach to voice lessons, Nina, who owns My Female Voice is an experienced voice coach in Hollywood, who offers private lessons for 90 bucks a month. She's a total sweetheart and just totes helpful.
My Female Voice:
www.myfemalevoice.comDeep Stealth's FYFF:
What's the second thing that impacts passing? Weight. The people I know who pass the least, are also the biggest. I highly suggest losing weight. Research diets: paleo, keto, whatever. Work out a lot. Losing weight on estrogen is much harder than on testosterone and for that reason I often tell people who haven't started 'mones yet to lose the weight NOW. Alternatively, if you are skinny as hell and want curves, gain weight NOW. But not too much.
A lot of trans women also idolize CIS women and think all CIS women look effortlessly beautiful and hot without makeup. Practice makeup. I learned how to do makeup from a local drag queen I knew who teaches private lessons and CIS girlfriends. Alternatively, you can just go to the multitude of YouTube on the subject that match your skin tone and get to work. It will take practice. Everything does.
Have you grown your hair out? Are your getting feminine haircuts?
Hide your masculine features. If you have broad shoulders don't run around in clothes with thin straps. Hide your shoulders. Have facial hair? Laser or electro has been covered. Have a masculine body? Do exercises that will give you a fucking donk.
What hormones are you using? Switch types if you need to. Pills don't work for me well, and I prefer injections. Don't like seeing needles in your body? Get used to it or look into patches. Iirc Shidoshi uses patches. The thing about pills is that if you are doing it sublingually, there's a high chance your medicine will mix with your spit rather than be absorbed into your bloodstream, which makes them not always the best. For the longest time I did not want injections because I was scared of shots. But I decided they were necessary for me to continue, so the next time I had a blood test I forced myself to look at the needle going in my body. What I realized is that I'm not actually scared of shots. I was when I was a kid, and that carried over as an adult, but no longer had a logical basis because I'm now an adult, and a shot is a shot now, not the end of the world. So if you're scared of shots, look the next time you have blood test, you may end up realizing you only THOUGHT you were scared of shots.
Continuing, find a good, dedicated doctor. Either an endocrinologist or a dedicated trans doc.
You can't talk about not passing without talking about your hormone regime, your height, your weight, and more. We don't know how far you are. I think you should dedicate more to passing if that's your goal. A lot of trans women think just taking hormones will allow them to pass. Nuh uh. Takes work. And through that work you will gain new confidence and self esteem.
