Tales of Sexual Woe

[Flannel Boy]

can we change "Michelle" to "Michelle the Liar" too, for consistency's sake?

Why do we need to add tautological language?

[Madrun Badrun]

No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(

I thought you were crying because you never touched any too.

The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

I've semi touched breasts with my head. I've touched breasts through shirts and stuff ( ), but never touched the actual skin

 :'(  what vampira doesn't let you get farther than just kissing? 

I didn't say that

What do you do with her?  details man! 

[Van Cruncheon]

can we change "Michelle" to "Michelle the Liar" too, for consistency's sake?

Why do we need to add tautological language?

truth in advertising, of course

[Phoenix Dark]

i can't quote every single post you've made in this thread conveniently

You are a sad, pathetic old man. I feel sorry for your Andrew, I reall do

[Flannel Boy]

No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(

I thought you were crying because you never touched any too.

The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

I've semi touched breasts with my head. I've touched breasts through shirts and stuff ( ), but never touched the actual skin

 :'(  what vampira doesn't let you get farther than just kissing? 

I didn't say that

What do you do with her?  details man! 

He found her photo on the internet and then posted said photo. THE END

[Van Cruncheon]

You are a sad, pathetic old man. I feel sorry for your Andrew, I reall do

the pity of the ignorant wounds more than that of the wise

[Phoenix Dark]

You are a sad, pathetic old man. I feel sorry for your Andrew, I reall do

the pity of the ignorant wounds more than that of the wise

I don't know what that means

[DJ_Tet]

This has got to be the gayest message board out there.  You have two beautiful women sharing hard, brutal railings (one on the back of a motorcycle for christs' sake) yet you have a moron who's never had sex polluting the thread (among others).

PD, how many message board posts do you think you make in an average day?  I mean, you're all over gaf, you're all over here, and who knows where else.  For someone with nothing to add to the topic at hand, I'm not sure what you're doing posting in this thread 20 times.

[Van Cruncheon]

he's trying to emulate his buddy in burgerdom as an act of protest.

[DJ_Tet]

Well I'm not sure why this rampant stupidity seems to be encouraged here, but it stifles conversation in my opinion.

[Boogie]

This has got to be the gayest message board out there.  You have two beautiful women sharing hard, brutal railings (one on the back of a motorcycle for christs' sake) yet you have a moron who's never had sex polluting the thread (among others).

The thread is supposed to be about tales of sexual woe.  Their stories clearly don't belong here.

[BlackMage]

The stories of my sexual escapades are too long and epic for such a forum to contain. I will, however, let you all know when my book gets published.















































 :'(

[Bloodwake]

I disagree with Drinky for once. This is a thread about sexual woe, and Michelle has never had sex.

That sounds like sexual woe to me.

[DJ_Tet]

This has got to be the gayest message board out there.  You have two beautiful women sharing hard, brutal railings (one on the back of a motorcycle for christs' sake) yet you have a moron who's never had sex polluting the thread (among others).

The thread is supposed to be about tales of sexual woe.  Their stories clearly don't belong here.

Skinned knees are tough for girls  

[Flannel Boy]

This has got to be the gayest message board out there.  You have two beautiful women sharing hard, brutal railings (one on the back of a motorcycle for christs' sake) yet you have a moron who's never had sex polluting the thread (among others).

The thread is supposed to be about tales of sexual woe.  Their stories clearly don't belong here.

Skinned knees are tough for girls 

You'd think that whiteACID's knees would be used to this kind of wear and tear by now. 

[Phoenix Dark]

You guys want me to leave?

[Saint Cornelius]

I don't understand this thread at all.

[DeezNutzRBlue]

I think my craziest times were in high school during track season.  It was always cold out so people brough a lot of blankets and sleeping bags.  It also got dark early, so a lot of the bus rides were dark, hehe.

I had sex in front of the band room at the high school (I bet the rug is stills stained).  Under a tent with about 15 people around...must move slowly.  And I got head on the school bus.

Hmmm....Once got caught by the police in a park, got my pants up in time though.

Also had sex on a desolate roadway, involving a motorcycle.  

Many parking lots.  I also once had sex on the highway during construction, so traffic was stop and go and it was night.  Stayed in the vehicle, it wasn't like on the median.

Almost forgot, when I got out of basic training, we had sex in a St Louis Mall, JC Penney changing room.  My mom was about 30 feet away looking at shirts.  Hey, it was like 3 months, can't waste time!

[Cyanista]

Because it has been ruined. 

I thought I'd be all slick and date a "younger" guy when I was 19.  He was 17. So we flirt and hang out and make out and finally I get him into my bedroom for our first time. . .

And he just lays there.  I mean, I'm on top doing my thing for awhile, and this guy isn't even BREATHING HARD.  No noise, no movement, no nothing.  Now, he'd warned me of some back injury that made it hard for him to be too "athletic" in the sack, but for fuck's sake. . he was such a dead lay I was totally losing my arousal.  I'm like "Hey, you getting close?", thinking he'd tell me what the fuck was wrong, and he's like:

"I already came."

NO NOISE.  NO LABORED BREATH.  It was the creepiest sex ever, and we broke up a day later.  I sort of wish I hadn't experienced that.

[Saint Cornelius]

Was he still hard? Now see, that's the kind of stories I thought were going to be in this thread. Instead, I'm kind of guiltily turned on.

[Cheebs]

http://www.evilbore.com/forum/index.php?topic=2048

[Cyanista]

He was about as hard as he'd been to begin with.  He wasn't a large dude, but part of what made the whole thing so bone chilling was how there was no change in him throughout. 

[Saint Cornelius]

I've got plenty of tales of sexual woe, but I like this one because it was just such a wonderful introduction to human sexuality et al that... ah, I get all aflutter thinking about it. I've probably told this story before so if you've heard it, my apologies.

The second girl I ever made the whole penis-vagina interface with was a mormon. Shortly after telling me this, she put my hand up her skirt - I was waaay too shy to make the 1st move - and ground on my hand like it was a Sybian.

Sounds great right? It was at first. Lots of making out, second and third base.... after a few weeks we went all the way and it was fucking fantastic, legs all akimbo and moist hot flesh everywhere. Still sounds wonderful right?? It fucking WAS, until it was all over with and we're lying there, spooning. I'm all purring and shit and she's really quiet, like short little breaths, so I push myself up to see her face and a little tear is running down her cheek and I'm like what the fuck?? She already told me she's done it before so it's not like I tore her hymen or whatever and she never acted like this when I had half my hand in her and what the fuck??

So I ask her what's wrong as she's trying to play it off on some "oh, nothing, nothing" and I'm just like caressing her, trying to be smooth but thinking "christ why is this girl crying like this??". I went to go get a drink and when I got back, she's rocking back and forth in a ball on my bed and combing through her Book of Mormon. I almost dropped my Fresca. I sat down next to her and asked her if she was feeling guilty? And that just made the floodgates open, y'all - she just started bawling and saying yes, she felt guilty, and she liked me a lot, and she wanted me to like her, but she didn't think i would be interested if we didn't have sex, and she was trying to "Choose the Right" (Mormons! holla!). I was stunned. I told her yeah, we could take it slow, whatever... so she stops crying and cuddles up to me. I'm all trying to be supportive and loving and then she fucking starts stroking my dick! After all that fucking crying and praying and drama, she starts squeezing my fucking swanson and what the hell are you supposed to do THEN? I pushed her away and she said she was sorry, how she's just seriously conflicted.

Still ended up fucking again. This went on for... nine months? I know I was totally stupid for sticking with this but it WAS pretty good sex, in all honesty, and I just thought I loved her. When now I see I was just completely pussy-whipped.

That was a doozy, total. I honestly thought I was going to die when we broke up, like I'd never love again omg - now I look back and god, that's just been TAME compared to some shit I've been through since then, emotion-wise. But still. The first heartbreak is always the worst.

[Saint Cornelius]

He was about as hard as he'd been to begin with.  He wasn't a large dude, but part of what made the whole thing so bone chilling was how there was no change in him throughout. 

Weird! Show-er, total. And I take it you didn't know he came, either.

[DeezNutzRBlue]

I need to find a Mormon chick.  You know, I'm into that crazy stuff!

[Saint Cornelius]

I need to find a Mormon chick.  You know, I'm into that crazy stuff!

I hear a lot of them will totally give dudes oral to get them to convert.

[Beezy]

I'm like "Hey, you getting close?", thinking he'd tell me what the fuck was wrong, and he's like:

"I already came."

NO NOISE.  NO LABORED BREATH.  It was the creepiest sex ever, and we broke up a day later.  I sort of wish I hadn't experienced that.

[BlackMage]

Because it has been ruined. 

I thought I'd be all slick and date a "younger" guy when I was 19.  He was 17. So we flirt and hang out and make out and finally I get him into my bedroom for our first time. . .

And he just lays there.  I mean, I'm on top doing my thing for awhile, and this guy isn't even BREATHING HARD.  No noise, no movement, no nothing.  Now, he'd warned me of some back injury that made it hard for him to be too "athletic" in the sack, but for fuck's sake. . he was such a dead lay I was totally losing my arousal.  I'm like "Hey, you getting close?", thinking he'd tell me what the fuck was wrong, and he's like:

"I already came."

NO NOISE.  NO LABORED BREATH.  It was the creepiest sex ever, and we broke up a day later.  I sort of wish I hadn't experienced that.

Yeah, sorry about that. I had a lot on my mind.

[Cyanista]

Oh yeah?!  Well, just so you know, the last time I got out of your precious car I LICKED MY FINGER and smeared up the door.  Ohshits.

[BlackMage]

Oh yeah?!  Well, just so you know, the last time I got out of your precious car I LICKED MY FINGER and smeared up the door.  Ohshits.

that's almost as bad as when i smeared shit on your upper lip

[Saint Cornelius]

[BlackMage]

I'm just kidding Cyanista. I would never do that to anybody especially a beautiful girl like you. I'm too much of a gentleman. 

[whiteACID]

I've also had sex in a JCpenney's changing room, it was in Ohio though.

I've done it in a car, of course, who hasn't? countless times

Hot tubs, showers, the ocean in Florida with hundreds of people around me.

[Phoenix Dark]

Have you ever had sex with a virgin though? That is the question

[Flannel Boy]

I've also had sex in a JCpenney's changing room, it was in Ohio though.

I've done it in a car, of course, who hasn't? countless times

Hot tubs, showers, the ocean in Florida with hundreds of people around me, and in line to have a run at me next

[Cheebs]

that's almost as bad as when i smeared shit on your upper lip

[Mupepe]

When I was in high school, and really into my coke and xanax phase, i was getting drunk at this part with some friends.  Well, I had about 13 shots of vodka, 2 xanax and a few lines of coke.  this girl and I are sitting on a couch talking with some people and I start rubbing her leg and inside her thighs, showing her some interest.  well so she's like "I have to go make a phone call" and she pulls my arm so I'm thinking "fuck yeah!"  we go into the room and we start fucking around and what the fuck?  I CAN'T GET HARD   and then when you start thinking about it, it just makes it so much worse.  I'm like Oh fuck no.  i try to waste time by fingering her, eating her out, everything.  but then she starts being really blunt and is like "i want you to fuck me"  so, I had to just tell her.  God that shit is embarassing.  we worked it out though.  she blew me for a while, it got hard, but still not much.  a good thing about that night is that I learned what will make me hard no matter what.  light kissing/sucking on my neck and chest = instant fucking hard on for me.

[Phoenix Dark]

These stories about people not being able to get hard always confuse me. How is that possible? The mere thought of having sex would get me a boner of mass destruction. Hell when I look at porn I don't get fully hard at all. I need the real thing, bad. It's ruining my porn life

[Madrun Badrun]

These stories about people not being able to get hard always confuse me. How is that possible? The mere thought of having sex would get me a boner of mass destruction. Hell when I look at porn I don't get fully hard at all. I need the real thing, bad. It's ruining my porn life

Did you hear what he did before the sex?  You need to get intoxicated PD, just so you understand more about life. 

[Flannel Boy]

Kool-Aid is more than enough for PD. The sugar rush makes him bounce off walls for hours on end.

[whiteACID]

Have you ever had sex with a virgin though? That is the question

yes

[whiteACID]

These stories about people not being able to get hard always confuse me. How is that possible? The mere thought of having sex would get me a boner of mass destruction. Hell when I look at porn I don't get fully hard at all. I need the real thing, bad. It's ruining my porn life

it's hard to get hard when you are on coke

[Phoenix Dark]

Have you ever had sex with a virgin though? That is the question

yes

Did he last long?

[whiteACID]

Have you ever had sex with a virgin though? That is the question

yes

Did he last long?

not really, no

[Phoenix Dark]

This is depressing

[Mupepe]

These stories about people not being able to get hard always confuse me. How is that possible? The mere thought of having sex would get me a boner of mass destruction. Hell when I look at porn I don't get fully hard at all. I need the real thing, bad. It's ruining my porn life

some people when it's their first time can't get hard because they're really nervous.  other times you can't do it because of chemical problems.  It's really never a problem for me especially since I learned the sure shot thing to get me hard.  but anyways, when you can't get hard, trust me, you start to think about it and you're like "oh fuck, i can't get hard!" and then since you're thinking about it, it makes it even worse.


anyways, another story.  once, I was at my friend Justin's house.  we were all getting drunk and doing xanax again.  god, i love that shit.  anyways, there was this big fat girl there, Amanda.  everyone starts talking about cocks, mainly cut and uncut.  most of the girls are like "i've never seen an uncut dick!" and the fat girl Amanda is like "I really want to see one" so I exclaim "i have one!"  and then she busts out with the offer, "if you let me see it, I'll blow you."  in my inebriated state, i'm think "a blow job for showing my dick!  win/win!"  

yeah, i was teased quite a bit the next day and for some time afterwards for getting a blow job from a fatty.  this girl was HUGE.  :'(

[Error Macro]

These stories about people not being able to get hard always confuse me. How is that possible? The mere thought of having sex would get me a boner of mass destruction. Hell when I look at porn I don't get fully hard at all. I need the real thing, bad. It's ruining my porn life

Whiskey dick, son.  It's fer real.

[etiolate]

So I'm already in mid-sex with my girlfriend, and its going along when I slip out at some point, because it was rather wet at that point.  So I quickly go right back in at the same thrusting speed as before... and jam my dick into what feels like a plastic wall.  She screams and yelps in pain and scoots back.  I grab myself and look confused.  She's starting to cry a little. Turns out, she was born with two vaginal canals, but only one fully developed.  So there was like one entrance but two angles, and I somehow went back into the not fully developed angle and hit the wall.  It was really, really painful for her and painful for me.

[Cyanista]

OMG you banged a freeeeaaaaak 

[etiolate]

Because it has been ruined. 

I thought I'd be all slick and date a "younger" guy when I was 19.  He was 17. So we flirt and hang out and make out and finally I get him into my bedroom for our first time. . .

And he just lays there.  I mean, I'm on top doing my thing for awhile, and this guy isn't even BREATHING HARD.  No noise, no movement, no nothing.  Now, he'd warned me of some back injury that made it hard for him to be too "athletic" in the sack, but for fuck's sake. . he was such a dead lay I was totally losing my arousal.  I'm like "Hey, you getting close?", thinking he'd tell me what the fuck was wrong, and he's like:

"I already came."

NO NOISE.  NO LABORED BREATH.  It was the creepiest sex ever, and we broke up a day later.  I sort of wish I hadn't experienced that.

I was like that at first, too.  Very quiet during sex, but I wouldn't just lay there.  i was quiet though, no grunts or stupid moans.  Girlfriend would ask "What are you doing?" and I'd say "I'm concentrating!"  I was always counting backwards and forwards in odd numbers in my head to keep from ejaculating. One time I got caught counting, she could see me whispering it on my lips.

[Mupepe]

bwahahaha  a circus freak at that!  not the good kind of freak

[Phoenix Dark]

I can see the nervous thing being a problem. Right now I have an idea of how I'd like it to happen, but things rarely go as planned. I'm rather shy so being nude in front of someone could be bad (despite my flasher mindset).

I wish there was a society of women who specialized in having sex with virgins. That would make things easier, because I sure as hell don't want to have sex with a chick, explode after a couple minutes, and then feel all embarrassed

[Mupepe]

Because it has been ruined. 

I thought I'd be all slick and date a "younger" guy when I was 19.  He was 17. So we flirt and hang out and make out and finally I get him into my bedroom for our first time. . .

And he just lays there.  I mean, I'm on top doing my thing for awhile, and this guy isn't even BREATHING HARD.  No noise, no movement, no nothing.  Now, he'd warned me of some back injury that made it hard for him to be too "athletic" in the sack, but for fuck's sake. . he was such a dead lay I was totally losing my arousal.  I'm like "Hey, you getting close?", thinking he'd tell me what the fuck was wrong, and he's like:

"I already came."

NO NOISE.  NO LABORED BREATH.  It was the creepiest sex ever, and we broke up a day later.  I sort of wish I hadn't experienced that.

I was like that at first, too.  Very quiet during sex, but I wouldn't just lay there.  i was quiet though, no grunts or stupid moans.  Girlfriend would ask "What are you doing?" and I'd say "I'm concentrating!"  I was always counting backwards and forwards in odd numbers in my head to keep from ejaculating. One time I got caught counting, she could see me whispering it on my lips.

[Flannel Boy]

So anyone besides etiolate have a three-some? (hey two vaginas and one penis)

[Mupepe]

I can see the nervous thing being a problem. Right now I have an idea of how I'd like it to happen, but things rarely go as planned. I'm rather shy so being nude in front of someone could be bad (despite my flasher mindset).

I wish there was a society of women who specialized in having sex with virgins. That would make things easier, because I sure as hell don't want to have sex with a chick, explode after a couple minutes, and then feel all embarrassed

there are women like that.  I have a friend that will only have sex/relationships with virgins so that she can mold them into her perfect lover.

[Error Macro]

So I'm already in mid-sex with my girlfriend, and its going along when I slip out at some point, because it was rather wet at that point.  So I quickly go right back in at the same thrusting speed as before... and jam my dick into what feels like a plastic wall.  She screams and yelps in pain and scoots back.  I grab myself and look confused.  She's starting to cry a little. Turns out, she was born with two vaginal canals, but only one fully developed.  So there was like one entrance but two angles, and I somehow went back into the not fully developed angle and hit the wall.  It was really, really painful for her and painful for me.

Try to be more careful next time, pardner.

[Phoenix Dark]

I can see the nervous thing being a problem. Right now I have an idea of how I'd like it to happen, but things rarely go as planned. I'm rather shy so being nude in front of someone could be bad (despite my flasher mindset).

I wish there was a society of women who specialized in having sex with virgins. That would make things easier, because I sure as hell don't want to have sex with a chick, explode after a couple minutes, and then feel all embarrassed

there are women like that.  I have a friend that will only have sex/relationships with virgins so that she can mold them into her perfect lover.

Post her MySpace plz

My plan is to count or something, like eti said. Or think about class notes or something

[Mupepe]

I can see the nervous thing being a problem. Right now I have an idea of how I'd like it to happen, but things rarely go as planned. I'm rather shy so being nude in front of someone could be bad (despite my flasher mindset).

I wish there was a society of women who specialized in having sex with virgins. That would make things easier, because I sure as hell don't want to have sex with a chick, explode after a couple minutes, and then feel all embarrassed

there are women like that.  I have a friend that will only have sex/relationships with virgins so that she can mold them into her perfect lover.

Post her MySpace plz

My plan is to count or something, like eti said. Or think about class notes or something

she doesn't have one.  and don't count.  just think about sports or bills or what you have to do the next day.

[Cyanista]

So I'm already in mid-sex with my girlfriend, and its going along when I slip out at some point, because it was rather wet at that point.  So I quickly go right back in at the same thrusting speed as before... and jam my dick into what feels like a plastic wall.  She screams and yelps in pain and scoots back.  I grab myself and look confused.  She's starting to cry a little. Turns out, she was born with two vaginal canals, but only one fully developed.  So there was like one entrance but two angles, and I somehow went back into the not fully developed angle and hit the wall.  It was really, really painful for her and painful for me.

(Image removed from quote.)

Try to be more careful next time, pardner.

[Himu]

When I was 14 I was in a teen organization where we went to a hotel for a conference. The guys were going to all the girls rooms and getting laid/bjs and shit. My buddy Lance was apparently tearing some of those girls apart, so I had to join in. Thing is, we weren't supposed to be out of our rooms or we'd get fined due to curfew. So my room mates asked me if I wanted to go play "suck dick" with the girls across the hall. I said sure and went along.

Along the way, I had to go take a dump and I didn't want to do it in the girls room so I said I was going to go to the restroom so I went back to the room and used it. Along the way to the girls room by myself I got caught and missed my chance to fuck this slut everyone was getting at. She was absolutely hot and I wanted to get in there.

Alas, I got fined for being an idiot and missed my chance to do an extremely hot chick.