I've been having hardcore suicidal ideation again, but it might just be more of a manifestation of death obsession. Freud would say that Thanatos has got my number. I have long, detailed fantasies about dying in extended agony, from things like hypothermia or liver failure. Note the contrast with my previous preferred method of suicide. Also different, a large part of the current fantasy is thinking about how people would respond and feel about my death, and crafting the perfect suicide note. Previously, I didn't really give a fuck about these things since they're irrelevant--who cares about how people would feel? Who cares about reactions to a note? A fast death with no explanation is the logical suicide. Caring about reactions and wanting to leave an explanation is the womanly way to do things, and women are shitty at killing themselves because they only ever try (and usually fail) to do it for attention.
Real or not, I'm pretty much taking the maximum dose of lithium, which is the only drug that directly diminishes suicidal desires, and it was responsible for ending the previous, more focused desire. I have to get a blood test every week. I'm getting frustrated with being death obsessed. One way or another, this is clearly going to go on forever, and I'm never going to find someone that understands it. In this way, I think the obsession and loneliness it brings will only lead to death. Someday, I will have my dinner with Thanatos.
