I know I posted before replying to this post but real talk takes time y'all and my mind was easily distracted by memories of big beautiful thighs.

You worry me. 
I'm sorry, H. If it makes you feel any better, because of my warped sense of masculinity and the circumstances of my life I live for situations like these. I once waited 53-54 hours to seek medical attention when suffering from appendicitis, for example. (I didn't think I had appendicitis but something that would just go away with time because it didn't hurt on my side, well at least it didn't until they touched me there in the emergency room at 3 am.) I can't handle everyday life, but crisis makes me feel almost comfortable. Perhaps it's best to not tempt the hand of fate after what I've been dealt by it of late, but I make posts like that to cope with my situation by laughing at both the fact that something so awful is an
actual improvement in my life, and that I really did think to myself, "great, now I have 30 less minutes to get my life in order before I walk out into hell for the day," when I woke up because that's the emotional state I'm otherwise in at the moment.
I'm worried too though. I'm worried that I'll have this condition for the rest of my life. (Worrying about being worried...

) The career I want to change into has health requirements and other than this I'm in perfect health, so this would be all that held me up. I'm worried about taking another flying leap in my life to make that career change, the last two times I did that I ended up with (1) a crippling economic problem I can't escape and (2) being emotionally eviscerated in a way that I couldn't even imagine while looking like an utter fool at the same time. I'm worried that I'm being antithesis instead of synthesis by making that career change, even if it's been awful sometimes my field gave me a shot and allowed me to succeed even though I entered it as a worthless shit who should have been unemployable. I'm worried that I'll never be able to build a life for myself, that I'll just be what I am now for the rest of my life--a tool to be wielded as needed then discarded when no longer operating as intended, and not even for something rad like the Party or love or ideals, but just to subsist. I'm worried that I'll never find someone else. I'm worried that changing who I was, even though I know I have to after hearing the same shit I'd heard from exes in my early 20s from "the one" at my age after 5.5 years together, will make the previous concern all the more likely to occur. I'm worried someone else won't want to stick with me for the long haul after they go through the skeletons in my closet with me. I'm worried I'll have horrible trust issues after someone basically said, "lol nvm," 2 months after consulting with counsel about marrying me. I'm worried about picking through the things about me I want to keep and the things about me I want to discard to change who I am. I didn't make some of these decisions a long time ago when I should have made them.
But even though I'm worried, I know that this time when I fucked up I've had the presence of mind to keep myself going and to make changes to my life where and when I can. I went to the doctor when I was sick, and before I was completely destroyed by what was making me sick. The old me would have gone another couple of nights trying to drink the problem away. Even though they fired me, I reached back out to my shrink and tried to resolve the differences we'd had previously. I made peace with my bipolar parent (they had a falling out with my ex very early on in our relationship and it was a perpetual source of bad blood between them that I never resolved, I just retreated from my parent into my ex), not because the situation demanded it (as I might have done in the past), but because I realized when writing that long post to Awesome-O in the relationship thread awhile back that I'd become so gross a person that I didn't have basic human empathy for my own parent but I could muster it for a total stranger on the internet. (I know we bros AO, I'm just keeping it real here.) No matter what someone does / has done to you, you can't lose empathy. Like the great proletarian hero once told us, ни шагу назад. (I don't actually think of this person as a hero, FYI.)