I don't usually remember dreams when I wake up, never really have unless I was ill the night before, but I did remember the dream I had last night after I did eventually fall asleep. (It was hard to fall asleep because Friday was our night every week, and the night we broke up, and I can't help but think about that when Friday night comes now. Thanks for sobbing about Zeon last stands in U.C. Gundams with me Himu, it helped me not have to face that last night, if only for a while. I'm no Bernie, except maybe when it comes to not speaking my feelings when I should have.)
Anyways, I dreamt that she found me at a hotel (they were a common fixture of our relationship, and the reason why is irrelevant to this post) and we talked over candle light, I think I had been eating alone and know I was definitely not expecting her. I dreamt that unlike the night we broke up, she was willing to listen to me. Unlike that night, I could mean a lot more of what I was saying because I'm in a different place now than I was then. Unlike the night we broke up, none of what I was saying was repelling her, she even seemed like she was considering what I was saying instead of just letting me say my say so that she could reject it flatly and it would make it easier for me to accept her decision. When I'd said all I had to say, she gave it a lot of thought and was about to say something in response when...
my alarm went off because I had irl responsibilities to deal with early on a Saturday, and I woke up alone knowing that I am alone instead of waking up knowing someone loves me, and it broke my heart in a way that I haven't felt in the last 2 weeks.
Then I saw that I had Twitter interactions on my phone and excitedly opened the app, maybe my dream had be some odd sort of subconscious clairvoyance, and that maybe there was a notification that I had DM from her. But no, it wasn't that, it wasn't anything I really care about, it was just more people laughing about an anarcho-capitalist rap song I'd posted on Twitter last night. Whoop-de-do. Hooray. The world is mine.
I know you know I saw your tweet last night son, and I'm sorry I didn't raise you right, but trust me no matter how hard it might seem now, it's even harder to deal with the aftermath of not dealing with it, and it fucking hurts a lot more.