spoiler (click to show/hide)
So we all know that Durango hates true gamers. We all know that Durango will no longer play video games, but will instead become some casual tv-roku bullshit. But none of you know the real secret behind M$'s nefarious plans, and I will reveal it to you. Prepare to you have your fucking minds blown, ladies and gentlemen, as I reveal to you the things that not even Microsoft knows that they know about:
Microsoft's Durango will cause SUPER CANCER-AIDS.
Yep. It's a fact. Do you want to know how? Well keep reading.
As you have probably heard by now, the Durango will no longer play videogames and will instead become a tv box. What you don't know is that the Durango will also contain a small chip that will emit gamma rays each time you watch tv. See, when you play video games, you use your brain more, and this helps you fight-off evil gamma rays from any source. Microsoft has tried this before with the xbox360, but they failed. You know why? Because you could still play games. Your superior (probably Sony-amplified, more on that later) game-playing brain fought off the gamma rays (from here on referred to as cancer rays) back to the xbox360, causing it to overheat. You want proof? One word: Red Ring Of Death. (This was originally an internal M$ code word for the cancer rays because they were fired in a circular pattern.)
With the Durango, M$ has wizened-up. They decided to drop video-games completely, and turn you into the equivalent of a fossilized vegetable as you watch their cocaine and heroin infused tv box so that the cancer rays can get really deep into your tissues for maximum cancer efficiency. These cancer rays are very efficient. In fact, they are so efficient that they can cause you to spontaneously develop full blown SUPER AIDS.
Speaking of super aids, there is another mechanism by which the Durango will cause it. Everybody knows that gamers don't get to have sex, but there is one advantage to this: you don't get STDs and you live longer. But by bringing in the casual crowd, and by pretty much transforming anybody that so much as touches the nextbox into a casual, M$ will turn everyone owning a Durango into a fucking casual (pun absolutely intended). The casuals will then exponentially increase the rate at which the HSIV virus is transmitted. This, combined with the cancer rays, will change life as we know it on planet earth. This is already happening by the way: a recent study suggested that people that own a 360 are better at sex than PS3, Wii, or PC owners.
Why is M$ doing this? The answer is simple: money. If you think charging $500 for a games console is expensive, wait till you hear this: M$ just recently bought a small biologics R/D company and rumor has it that they already have a vaccine. M$ plans to charge $5000 a day for an infusion of the vaccine per infected patient. The amount was initially set at 1 billion, but brought down to $5000 to make it seemingly obtainable and hope-inducing, yet still soul-crushingly expensive (the 1 billion to $5000 discount will be advertised as savings pass). SO EVIL.
So what can you do about this?
YOU MUST BUY A PS4
Why? Because:
THE PS4 HAS INFINITE POWER AND WILL BECOME JESUS
As you know, a developer that works exclusively for Sony said that the PS4 has no performance bottlenecks. What does this mean? It means the PS4 has unlimited power, and it can do anything. You don't need any other console, and you certainly don't want a Durango. And if you must know, M$ has actually been planning this for a long time, but because Sony was around since the PS1 days, they have been protecting us with their exclusives and clearly superior games, helping us fight the cancer rays all this time. This is why most studies show that PS3 players are more mature - they have superior game-playing brains, and why a recent poll on NeoGAF concluded that Sony will be missed the most if they dissipated, and M$ the least. (No one cares about Nintendo because they only sell 1st party titles).
However, the real reason to buy a PS4 is because it will become Jesus of Nazareth. If you remember last generation, Sony developed a processor called CELL which was used by medical doctors all over the world to help cure cancer and conduct research into protein folding. No one told you what this was, but it was due to the Power of the Holy Spirit emanating from the CELL. Though Sony may have switched architectures for the PS4, it doesn't matter because SONY IS GOD. Sony will save all of us from the true, terrible Satan that is M$, and Sony will cure Super Cancer-Aids.
