I'm fairly certain that a customer that spent $3k with us in the past week is functionally distinguished mentally-challenged, and I'm in the middle of helping him now.

I've just had one of those clients. I was complaining to the wife that I thought these guys might be distinguished mentally-challenged, and my wife told me I had said that about other clients before and it was nothing new. But honestly this time I sincerely mean it. Honestly this was a conversation I had with them this week:
Them: "The report took 23 minutes to run."
me: "Yes, because the SQL you demanded we use takes about 23 minutes to return any data, even if you just run in it in SQL plus."
Them: "But we bought this reporting tool for better performance."
Me: "Yes you did, but you insisted on using this SQL which takes 23 minutes to run and precluded us from doing any tuning or changes on it. So if it takes 23 minutes to get the data from the database, obviously it's going to take at least that long to display the data. If you want it faster we're going to need to do some tuning to the SQL."
Them "No, no changes to the database or the SQL. Isn't there some flag you can check to make it go faster?"
Me: "No, there isn't a bend space time flag to get the data out of your database faster than it can serve it."
Them: "Are you sure? I want a second opinion."