Because people are nothing if not predictable in their banality, this month I've been having the same conversation over and over because resolutions receive attention for the first month to quarter of a year. (In honor of Janus, I will be accompanying what I said with parentheticals containing my actual thoughts.)
The Yenta¹
Yenta: Karakand you look great. How much weight have you lost?
[Pregnant pause.]
Me: A lot.
Yenta: So, how did you do it?
Me: Nothing special, just calorie counting. (Clinical depression and intense self-loathing with a side of crippling ennui.)
Yenta: [Dejectedly] Oh.
The Madame de Rênal²
Mme. de Rênal: [Diffidently] Karakand . . .
Karakand: Yes.
Mme. de Rênal: [Diffidently] Have you . . . been losing weight?
Karakand: [Impassively] Yes. (Dépêchez vous Mme. de Rênal.)
[Mme. de Rênal lights up]
Mme. de Rênal: I knew it! You look fantastic!
Karakand: [Impassively] Thanks.
Mme. de Rênal: So . . . how did you do it?
Karakand: Nothing special, just calorie counting. (Clinical depression and intense self-loathing with a side of crippling ennui.)
Mme. de Rênal: [Frowning] Oh.
Karakand: [Comradely] I know it's easy to do when you only have to think about yourself.
Mme. de Rênal: Yes! Every night it seems my family wants pizza or tacos.
Karakand: [Resigned] That's life. (Way to drop a dime on your loved ones, chief. A slice of pizza or a taco aren't going to max out your calories.)
The Fuggin' JagoffTFJ: Look at this guy! How much have you lost, Karakand?
[Pregnant pause.]
Me: A lot.
[TFJ slaps Karakand on the back.]
TFJ: "A lot."! Look at how modest this guy is.
[Karakand politely smiles.] (Fuggin' jagoff.)
TFJ: [Grandstanding] You trying to impress a girl? What's her name?
Karakand: [Inimically] The opposite.
[TFJ is deflated and bemused.]
Remember
citoyens, your body is not your own.
spoiler (click to show/hide)
¹i.e. a busybody
²Read a book.