Decided to try Amazon's same-day shipping. You have to be a Prime member and for it to be free, you need to order more than $35 worth of stuff. What I wanted was only around $20, but the shipping cost was like five bucks so I gave it a try.
...And the package was shipped with Lasership, which basically means "LOL FUCK YOU YOU'LL GET IT WHENEVER!"
Sure enough, when I track the package, it says delivery was attempted. Except that delivery was not attempted; we have been at home all evening and there is no note on the door. If I go directly to Lasership's site, I get this:
ATLANTA, GA US 05/30/2015 7:11 pm Need More Information
MARIETTA, GA US 05/30/2015 5:15 pm Out for Delivery to Customer
"Need more information"
for what? 