I guess I feel like explaining myself after my recent incident. It is somewhat funny kind of.
Well, I've already talked about my problems here many times. I guess I like talking about them because it's easier then doing it in person which to me always comes off corny and I just wince at emotional serious talk. But either I've mentioned my problems with school, going into the military, women, and just general self-realization. So I won't go into extreme detail, because it's boring.
But for the previous weekend I had a huge plan. My old Milwaukee friends were coming down to Chicago and well honestly I've made a decent amount of friends at my job so I kind of wanted everyone to meet each other. So I was able to take some vocation time for the weekend, newly furnished my basement, and in general was buying a lot of alcohol for a house party on Saturday. Friday we would go to this cool hipster arcade bar.
I invited a my Mexican friend who I've mentioned many times. I have really strong feelings for her and well realistically the connection isn't there and we should just stay as friends. I know we enjoy each others company, but I guess I'm not emotionally mature to handle it. Though if you ask me there is something there, the way she's looked at me sometimes is just beyond how any girl has ever looked at me. I know it's stupid, but even my boss has said she just seems conflicted. But these are male centric viewpoints and whatever, thats not the point. I met my Milwaukee friends Thursday night just for a little prelude and even they grilled me on her.
I got a new haircut and actually most of that Friday went very well. I had a nice Pizza lunch with my friends that was super postive. I looked good. My mexican friend all of a sudden upon seeing me seemed all of a sudden dead certain to go to both get together when before she said only Friday. I was even supposed to be the one that picked her up and well she would be the last one I dropped off. So a better man could see opportunities.
I don't know what happen.
I've been told to just go with the flow. When I overthink I just lose it and well I probably started overthinking.
My first mistake was probably chosing my one friend who fancies himself a ladies man and well is kind of a dick. He's the friend that sees himself as the Alpha in the friendship. I don't know if all male friendships have this dynamic, but it is what it is. It's gotten a bit better, but in the end he still sees himself as the "supuerior". U chose him over another ride or die dude who in the end I guess I stood up. Irrelevent because well honestly, my attempt to sucide kind of threw everyones problems to the side.
Well I'm the DD and everyone is drinking shots in my car as we drive up there, which I don't know made me feel a little disconnected from everything. It wont excuse me actions comming up, but I want to describe my mood going in. I guess I thought I was sidelined already.
Now I'm a lightweight, it doesn't take me much to get loose and I like to get drunk because it really loosens me up, takes away all my rigged hangups, but it's probably not good when I'm on the verge of being emotional. I bought a drink, my mexian friend bought my other friends drinks. For some reason that ticked me off. So I started to ignore her and I know she noticed I was ignoring her. I mean she gave me look of "wtf are you doing, not talking to me". I was getting drunk and I'm an idiot anyway.
I kept drinking more and more. One Milwaukee friends came over to me and while he was skeptical before, he told me "oh I think she's actually a little interested. She is constantly asking where you are". Maybe for a normal person this would be encouraging, for me this just set me back. I've been told my problem is I don't know how to be a bit aggressive. She even told me, but I'm just frustrated and want to know %100 that it's going to go the way I want which is obviously a losing game. And I did notice her looking for me and even almost approaching me, but then choosing not too.
Well, then I notice my Alpha friend chatting her up. Now in reality she was looking straight ahead at whatever game she was playing while he was saying whatever. I'm not in reality so I took a note, but I tried to just ignore it. Then later they both walk up and I hear him so "yeah I need your phone number in case I get separated form Jordan again" and well I'm just like fuck I know what that means.
Now I don't know if she did give him her phone number and I was told nothing happen, but I know my friends moves and his cutsey way of doing stuff is well how does it. He said "oh I was chatting you up", but I mean who would believe that? Well that pissed me off and well I started yelling at him. He bought me another drink. I've had a lot to drink.
I don't know what really happen after that, but I do know I eventually just started cursing and being super vulgar to my Mexican friend and at some point I pushed her away from me. Other versions are worse. Either way I became a monster to this girl, so much that she started crying and had to uber home.
I felt like complete shit. I felt like a monster. I felt like a coward. I felt like a douche. I saw myself really become that mysgonist pos that I sometimes appear to be on here, but haven't really been in real life. I was that day.
I guess the little hope was that when I tried to talk to her she said "I don't want to talk to you right now", which is better then "go to hell".
I really care for this girl, probably more so then any girl I've known and while I'm starting to seem obsessed I'ts not all one sided. Either way I was a wreck for the rest of that weekend. I had been a complete monster, I had let down all my friends(I cancled the house party which disapointed many), and I just saw myself contintuing to became this failure that honestly just seems to be my destiny. And yeah I was a pos to a woman I really care for. Verberlly and physically.
Maybe I was overreacting and being cowardly, but I just did not want to face everyone at work. So I skipped one day, then the other, and well the question if I ever wanted to return to work came up.
Well also this was finals week and it became reality that I had bombed this semester, which lead to constant "what are you going to do arguments with my mother". Add the fact that I seemed to forfeiting my job for in the end maybe dumb reasons and well the conversations were not pleasant.
I decided to buy some sleeping pills and attempt to OD. My mother found them and well the tension got really high.
Now comes this most recent Friday and in the morning my mother and I have another argument. About pretty much everything. At this point I was supposed to either go to work or go sign up for the military. I felt so much shame for the previous events and now just not going to work. Again I try to hold unto this mask of being a respectable, smart, and put together person. It is not my real mask, but it does seem to be my mask that people buy into and it was crumbling and I really fear people seeing me as pos which is what I felt like I really was. Either way, I did'nt go to either and my mother just could not handle it.
So I quietly left and this time I took my alchol, box cutters, and went to buy a 62 pack of extra strong sleeping pills. I also had just gotten paid so I went to go get my comics. I don't know I wanted to read some stuff on my last day. I also wanted to have sex with an attractive woman so I started looking up escorts while sending some last good buys. I sent one to my boss who at this point knew something was wrong, but not excatly what. At this point I send an apology text to my mother and well I think she starts putting two and two together.
You never want to have a text conversation with a parent who thinks their child is going to commit suicide. It is heartbreaking.
At this point I ignore a lot of my messages from my mother and sister. Replying with excuses as to why this is going to happen and nothing else. I start driving out to the escort who in the pictures looked to have some very nice boobs. I was looking for a black chick but all the backpage chicks had huge assess and I wasn't ready for that. I settled on a vaguely looking Mexican girl with jet black hair and big boobs. They never look like they do in the pictures.
But getting hard is maybe hard when you're on the verge of killing yourself and your mom is is literally crying through text.
I get to the motel which is the first sign of this probably wont go well. She wants $200 which for some reason was a positive sign. Too little seems like a sting and well honestly white girls and Mexican women on backbage always ask for more, so I was like this is probably legit. My other sign of this is bad was when I couldn't hear her over the phone while she was giving me directions she sounded agitated that she had to repeat. I'm a nervous geeky dude trying to arrange for some sex. You need to be a little more inviting.
I get there, she doesn't look like the pictures. She looks warn out and her hair looks like she just got up. I'm sure she did. Yet she seems nice, had ok boobs, and has no pimp. At this point I just want to have sex or at least my brain thinks I should at least experince it before I die. My penis actually doesn't seem as on board.
I take of my stuff and she starts giving me a back massage, which was actually ok and then the sex part starts.
She starts giving me head, but with a condom. Expected and perfeard honestly in this situation, but there's a problem. I don't have a huge penis, but I don't know it's not small, but she must have only had Gas stop brand magnum condoms. They were baggy on my thing and just awkward. Then she lays down, clossess her eyes, and just utters generic "baby" lines. It is not keeping me going, plus her vag doesn't look too good. Anyway, I can't keep an erection and she quickly notices. She cancels the sex and instead hopes to finish with just a HJ. All while having the Princes Daries on for some reason. She keeps going, notes that her hand is getting tired, notes that it's taking forever, and then lets me just self service. All while not allowing a lot of touching. At one point she said I could cum on her tities which yeah excited me. I was about to and then asked if I could and she replied "no, that was just an allusion". I was like what? Anyway I cant finish, get up and leave. It's not like I can ask for a refund.
At this point I'm thinking of where I should go to do this and what I should get as a last meal type thing. I go to a place I like to eat and I go to Starbucks because I'm a basic white girl. There at Starbucks I decide to do it at a fishing spot up north that brings good memories and I upload my suicide note. Which obviously gets noticed.
From there so many people start messaging me. My Mexican friend starts calling me. I feel a little selfish, because in an evil way I did want her to talk to me, but this wasn't triggered by her. It was really triggered by my failing school and arguments with my mother. Yet as I go on I am honestly shocked by how many people are trying to get into contact with me. It was really pretty much everyone I know. Anyway my Mexican friend goes to my house and waits for me there, asking for me to come back and talk to her. Then she pleads for us to meet up somewhere, but honestly at this point I am almost to where I am and had started to pop some of the pills. But honestly now I don't really know where this leaves our relationship. I don't want her to blame herself, but she really did seem to be very distraught.
At this point my sister I think contacted AT&T and had them track my phone. She and my mother must have driven really fast, because all of a sudden in the middle of backed up Chicago expressway traffic my sister comes flying at my car and banging on my passenger side door, to the point she almost breaks the window.
At this point my sister takes me to get some food with my mother. We talk about stuff. We laugh about the escort. My sister calls my Mexican friend to tell her I'm ok, I guess they talked and I send a lot of other text messages to people.
So yeah I guess that's what happen and I've just been chilling since then. I've talked to my job and well they seem to understand so that's cool. I don't know what will happen now, but it is in a way good because I guess I never realized how many people cared.
