Last year I moved to NYC. Being away from Texas I was allowed the freedom to get in my head and see what I wanted, what was really me with;etc. with the freedom to embrace my whole self. Earlier this year I detransitioned. When I did I was left with the pit of my actions and what got me to transition in the first place.
I realized that transition was me fully running away from my pain as a man. As a teenager I was emasculated, molested, sexually assaulted, and more. I felt barren, emasculated, and had no idea how to be a man as an adult so I decided to hide in an extended arrested development: since I failed at being a man, I decided to stop being one.
The realization brought out a lot of emotions. I wanted to, respectfully, address some of the people that helped contribute to this so I could move forward. One person in particular ended up making things worse. The result was me blaming women, feminism, and more on my transition. I ended falling a Red Pill rabbithole via YouTube. Thanks to Red Pill I began to loathe women and started to shift the blame of one woman onto all women. This was extremely hard to get out of and I ended up ostracizing many old friends. The past is the past now, and we are no longer friends. That's fine. I ended up being banned here for some of what I said. Without friends, or any kind of person to go to I had two options: further embrace Red Pill and continue on the same path that made me lose decade old friends or do some soul searching. I decided to soul search instead. I joined Red Pill detoxify communities that would help me see through Red Pill BS and started to attend therapy. I got a therapist that was female and being a former misandrist was completely open and fully understanding where I was coming from. The experience was life changing as we parted stories to explain how or why we thought the things we had. The more we talked, and the more I could express myself without judgement, the more she pushed back and offered a counter point to consider without judgement. She helped me through stories of my abuse, molestation, feeling inadequate, how I felt like a failure of a man;etc.
I've been doing this since September. Somehow as I healed from my experiences and the more I had therapy, the better I got with women in a non toxic way. I realized being vulnerable with women doesn't mean weakness and all women wanted was emotional connection and strong leadership. I've been talking to a woman since October and we are feeling deep feelings for each other. We are considering each other marriage. This experience taught me that women don't want overly masculine men. They don't want overly feminine men either. They want balanced men. I still have some healing to do but I feel like I've finally, finally, FINALLY rid myself of my demons. My mother and family are shocked at my present mental state, as if I've come back alive after disassociating for so years.
As for trans, I am convinced it's a mental illness. Or at least, a mental disorder that comes from disassociation to the psyche after intense gender related trauma that makes you question your very self. I highly suggest reading r/detrans. Most if not all of the users there were abused in some form and decided to retreat into transition to run away from their problems. When I look at all of my trans friends I notice similar patterns even if they haven't detransitioned. I support trans rights and people to exist, but the entire ideology is false. Getting out felt like leaving a cult.
