RELATIONSHIPS: helping wizards deplete their mana since 2011

[Raist]

Just move to Japan, Asian girls love white cock.

They’ll be wanting kids from the start, and the language barrier will help you in many ways.

[I'm a Puppy!]

So I've been thinking about what my 14 year old friend Shos said.
And in reflecting on it, I've never been one to have any kind of chill when it comes to relationships. I've never been one of those "let's see how it goes." kind of person. I've always been a throw yourself completely into it kind of person. This has, admittedly, lead to a lot of heart ache in the past. But now that I look around a lot of those "Let's take it slow couples" are getting tired of each other, or constantly bickering, or are just miserable in their relationships. Meanwhile the wife and I have that relationship that other people are like "Why can't I have that?" Part of me thinks it might be because they started the process with holding back where as we just threw ourselves into it completely and without reservation.  I think that has a lot to do with it.

[shosta]

I've been thinking about what 16 year old me said, too, and I ended up thinking about the nature of human bonds. Reading what Puppy said, one could ask a good question. Taking it slow might be less successful than going all in when it comes to achieving escape velocity in the initial phase of a relationship, but over the long term... shouldn't both kinds of long term relationships have the same passion and energy (one just developed slower than the other)? And anecdotally I've noticed the same thing that puppy has, which is that they don't.

I think the reason for that is the mind set. A person taking it fast is risking himself and experiencing critical vulnerability. This is the only place that growth happens. Trust and vulnerability are the most important parts of a good relationship and it's the reason so many people describe their wife as their best friend - because they've cultivated themselves into a kind of joint self, larger than the both of them, through the continual process of trust and sacrifice.

Two people who start a relationship slow are less likely to have a risk taking mindset and more likely to be cautiously approaching each other. So the kind of relationship that develops over the long term is a superstructure of guarded negotiations that are minimally impactful to your safety should anything go wrong. This is more like the cold war than the mutual cultivation of the spirit!

[I'm a Puppy!]

Yeah, like my 13 year old friend, Shos pointed out it's that vulnerability that makes the cement between my wife and I. There's not a "let's wait and see." thing going on here. There is nothing else and no one else. It's like a piece of music, you either commit yourself completely to it or not at all.

[toku]

keep empty and you will be filled

[Rufus]

So I've been thinking about what my 14 year old friend Shos said.
And in reflecting on it, I've never been one to have any kind of chill when it comes to relationships. I've never been one of those "let's see how it goes." kind of person. I've always been a throw yourself completely into it kind of person. This has, admittedly, lead to a lot of heart ache in the past. But now that I look around a lot of those "Let's take it slow couples" are getting tired of each other, or constantly bickering, or are just miserable in their relationships. Meanwhile the wife and I have that relationship that other people are like "Why can't I have that?" Part of me thinks it might be because they started the process with holding back where as we just threw ourselves into it completely and without reservation.  I think that has a lot to do with it.

I'm happy for you, survivorship bias notwithstanding.

The thing neither you nor Shosta touched on though is that some people who take it slow might not actually have any faith in their partner's long-term viability, but don't want to be alone, either.

[Huff]

Keep empty as butt sex can happen at any time

[I'm a Puppy!]

So I've been thinking about what my 14 year old friend Shos said.
And in reflecting on it, I've never been one to have any kind of chill when it comes to relationships. I've never been one of those "let's see how it goes." kind of person. I've always been a throw yourself completely into it kind of person. This has, admittedly, lead to a lot of heart ache in the past. But now that I look around a lot of those "Let's take it slow couples" are getting tired of each other, or constantly bickering, or are just miserable in their relationships. Meanwhile the wife and I have that relationship that other people are like "Why can't I have that?" Part of me thinks it might be because they started the process with holding back where as we just threw ourselves into it completely and without reservation.  I think that has a lot to do with it.

I'm happy for you, survivorship bias notwithstanding.

The thing neither you nor Shosta touched on though is that some people who take it slow might not actually have any faith in their partner's long-term viability, but don't want to be alone, either.

I've heard that before.  However, I'm of the belief that whatever you have trepidations about comes about, either because you called it correctly, or because you forced it with your perception (usually the latter, not the former).

Don't know if my 12 year old friend, Shos will agree.

[Rufus]

I've heard that before.  However, I'm of the belief that whatever you have trepidations about comes about, either because you called it correctly, or because you forced it with your perception (usually the latter, not the former).

Don't know if my 12 year old friend, Shos will agree.

Forced it to play out that way through perception, or perceived it to likely turn out that way but walked into it anyway? The former would be nonsensical, unless I'm not understanding correctly.

[shosta]

As an 11 year old with a fair bit of relationship experience, I have a different perspective. Humans are creatures engineered by selection over literally millions of years to live as social animals so we have finely tuned perceptions of social behavior (what one might know as the "gut feeling"). People know things they can't articulate but act out, so for instance if deep down you know someone is untrustworthy, even if you don't admit it to yourself you'll act in ways as if that were true. This could lead to undermining behavior, for instance. Or if you have a fear your partner is judgmental, you won't share your passions with them, which of course leads to feelings of isolation or "my partner doesn't understand me".

You really want to know what someone thinks of you? Don't ask. Watch and listen. You'll figure it out really fast.

Of course the original point was Puppy talking about people who say "why isn't my relationship like that," and I think a good answer is still "because you created a relationship like an armistice treaty." And it even happens unintentionally because of your unconscious hate for your partner. Rough!

Forced it to play out that way through perception, or perceived it to likely turn out that way but walked into it anyway? The former would be nonsensical, unless I'm not understanding correctly.

I don't think self fulfilling prophecies necessarily happen but there is some truth that there are unintended consequences to your latent perceptions about your partner (which later become hostile behavior).

[I'm a Puppy!]

I have to use a work analogy because people are more familiar with that.

A boss has a perception that an employee is lazy and incompetent. Said employee is not.
Said employee doubles their efforts and works harder
Boss looks down at employee because in their eyes they're working harder to overcome their incompetence and keeps an eye on them.
Boss harps on employee over every little thing
Employee finds something better and leaves.

I see the above happen a lot and pretty sure everyone else does.

In relationships it's like that woman that's always jealous and like "Oh I bet you like her!"
Almost always their partners get fed up with that and are like "Welp, I might as well fool around."

[shosta]

I fucking love jealous women because I have a massive ego. Whenever the last girlfriend I had saw me staring at another woman, she'd pull me aside somewhere and stick her tongue down my throat.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Shos gets a lot of action for a pre-teen.

[Rufus]

I don't think self fulfilling prophecies necessarily happen but there is some truth that there are unintended consequences to your latent perceptions about your partner (which later become hostile behavior).

Ah, gotcha. Fair enough then.

[toku]

this season feels like true detective s1

[I'm a Puppy!]

Soon we'll be back to True Detective Season 2.

[Beezy]

well that's good to know

i'd hate to 'take it slow' or some shit, especially because i'm not getting any younger

Just move to Japan, Asian girls love white cock. They’ll be wanting kids from the start, and the language barrier will help you in many ways.

And how they feel about bbc? I'm trying to have some fun when I visit there.

[shosta]

kokujin wa suki janai

[Beezy]

[shosta]

try hong kong

[Phoenix Dark]

this season feels like true detective s1

[shosta]

I think I'm starting to get the hang of tinder

[Raist]

Fun fact: Fasho (well, Facho) is short for Fascist commonly used in French.

This was your educational minute of the day, please resume your dumb activities (as shall I).

[Let's Cyber]

This is going to be more of a vent post but I thought I'd just bounce some of this off random people to see their thoughts and I'd rather not make a new thread. This is concerning my parents.

Some background. Married 30 years, eloped in their early 20s. Both are now in their 50s. Over the course of the last 8 months, my mother has lost both of her parents and her job. My grandfather had been in poor health for a while and had essentially given up on life a long time ago. For many years he suffered from depression and was totally unwilling to go through physical therapy (post hip replacement) or help himself. Watching him give up was incredibly hard on the family (especially my mother) but we had been prepared for his death for a while. After a series of infections and him refusing treatment, he was sent to hospice care and died a few weeks later.

What was a surprise was my grandmother (his wife) passing only 6 weeks later. She had been in decent health until then and had living on her own. She also had been in decent spirits after my grandpa was gone. Either way, came as a shock.

Also relevant was that both of my parents lost their jobs within a few months apart. My mother was fired shortly after my grandfather passed and a week before her mother died. She had needed a lot of time off work the previous several months to handle all of my grandfather's hospital visits and seemingly constant series of health crises. She was fired for "being on her phone too much" and "distracted" while at work. No shit. My father, in an unrelated situation, quit his job after some clashes with a new boss. He loved his job but the workplace had become increasingly hostile. Both my parents have new jobs now but my father is still bitter he was forced to leave a profession he loved.

After all of this, my parents have increasingly fought post-holidays. Understandably, my mother has been emotionally distant and grieving after a traumatic few months but it has worn on my father. I think my dad is bitter my mom wasn't there to support him through his job drama and she's angry with him for even being upset about his job when she just lost her parents. He's feeling underappreciated and unloved while my mother is trying to find some kind of normalcy after all this chaos.  During some recent fights, I guess some decades old wounds have been reopened and old grudges dredged up. This past week and after increasingly intense fights, my dad left and is staying with my aunt. It's a strange situation because they've always been the emotional rock of not just our immediate family but that of the extended family. To see them at odds and unwilling to find common ground feels very alien. I plan on talking with my dad this weekend (we haven't spoke since he left) and I'm not really sure what to say other than recommend a third party to mediate and couples counseling. Part of me is pissed for him leaving but I know presenting any blame or anger on my part isn't going to help and would likely make things worse. 

TL;DR: After several family deaths and career changes, my parents are at odds. For the first time in a 30 year marriage, my father recently moved out of my parent's house. It's undoubtedly a tough time for both of them but I feel much of this bad blood has been caused by a tempestuous and exogenous series of events.  I just don't want them to do anything too rash or permanent this fresh off such a harrowing past year. I'm not sure what my role should be, if at all, in trying to mediate beyond recommending counseling.

[VomKriege]

I think you're right that there's not much to do beyond promoting counseling and telling your mind about the whole thing (that it's a temporary crisis) when appropriate.

Depression and sort of giving up can be grueling for relatives, especially those who try to carry them. I don't know how it went but your mother may have felt a bit alone when trying to care for your grandfather ? If so it can breed a bit of resentment too.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Yeah man. Keep out of it. Nothing good can come from getting involved. Just let them know that you love regardless and let me find their own path.

[chronovore]

I'm with Puppy, though I'd counsel letting your parents know that you support them and love them. Right now the whole world seems to be at odds with them and their lives, so hearing from their kids that they're still accepted will likely do them some good.

[Brehvolution]

this season feels like true detective s1

Daddario

[Rahxephon91]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

[brawndolicious]

99% of the sexual stories you post makes me think your dick needs an exorcism but in that moment I think you actually suffered from a bit too much shame. The only thing you can do with shame is to just experience it.

Of course you've always had a festering, crippling sense of shame but once you become numb to it, that's the really hard part as you're evaluating situations in new ways and feel a bit like you lost a part of your identity that was always there. It'll take time and energy but you've got plenty.

[Tasty]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

It's corny and cliche but honestly I would have just asked "Come here often?" And go from there. There's always next time though.

I feel like if you can dance your ass off in a crowd without caring what people think, it's not too many steps from there to a fully realized social identity. A lot of the principles are the same I feel.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

My daughter has started college and a guy hit on her by saying, "Ay, yo hot momma!" To which she replied, "I....I'm not your mother!" And ran away.

LOL.

[Tasty]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

My daughter has started college and a guy hit on her by saying, "Ay, yo hot momma!" To which she replied, "I....I'm not your mother!" And ran away.

LOL.

I hope you never let her forget this story

[Bebpo]

The Singapore nightlife

Feels like I’m in what I imagine places like Ibiza are.

[I'm a Puppy!]

The Singapore nightlife

Feels like I’m in what I imagine places like Ibiza are.

Bebs, careful man. Singapore is crazy. I might've told this story here when it happened.

Last time I went to a bar in Singapore this insanely hot girl came up to me and said, "You should buy me a drink"
I asked her why I would do that. And she said it was because she was the hottest girl there. I agreed but she'd have to buy me a drink too. She laughed and asked why she would do that. I told her it was because I was the only guy that ever asked her to. She laughed and walked away. After a while she came back and asked me what I wanted to drink. We ended up talking a few hours about the Singapore night life and how she and her friends essentially go around getting sugar daddies from overseas travellers that make business trips to Singapore. She was very good at it. If we ever meet up in Vegas, I'll tell you the whole story.

[Rahxephon91]

I mean you could just tell the whole story here since you've got us going...

[CatsCatsCats]

#hotactics

[I'm a Puppy!]

I mean you could just tell the whole story here since you've got us going...

Dude it was like a 3 hour conversation with a self-professed gold digger (she didn't mess with broke niccas) and her sordid stories and tactics. Not going try and summarize all that up. There's too much.

[Rahxephon91]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

[shosta]

I was there with puppy back when I was 18 (that's the legal drinking age in Singapore) so I can summarize if he doesn't want to tell the story. We were bubbling up at the tea tinner yeah when this nasty ol gorganite jimbles er way over to say hullo to me old chum here an puts her thumb an her innix finger roit togetha, yeah, jammed er tongue right in there, an me an bubs knew this singer was a right ol nut wid no washer. So I says to the dusty old tit look ey you're singing in the wrong choir yeah why don't you go off n sling jerkers out of tin cans like the rest of them sour goggblenobbers, which had old puppy howlin his hank off cause it was right funny. Then she says I got to be a blind digger not to see what was right in front of me viz. Well BELIEVE ME YOU, I could knocker right well what I was seeing, and as the old saying goes, it's twelve if you can handle it and five if you damn can't. Yeah but it's been a big time since I whistled in the chucher so, playing me chips risky like, I keeps haranguing the slime queen outta me own malthinkage. It was at about this time that the shiny beaut sits her arse down next to puppy, and that chap was so turned on his dinker was practically lifting the table up yeah, so theys chatting like chums outta schooly wooly and I'm right covetous yeah. That's when this stinky cheese goblin gets bored of me because she figgers out I was looking for a free jerker on account of my wallet was hollow n vacant and I was just sippin tonics and chewing on the limes really sexy like while scouting the premises for a head snoshing skanker I could guile into thinking I was a suit shark. So she gets her fanny up and I yank her arm down and giver the evil eye an says now hold on lassie we can stop by the pawny and I can settle me jewelry for some coinage and then we get right to the higglepank. But she knows I'm a liar by now, so she yanks her slapper and thrims erself over to a boulder bug. So I says to myself right I've done it now, and I tug on puppy's sleeve yeah an let him know ive kicked the stabbywoks and we've got to jostle our kneecaps out of here or the bugs will rip em right out. An he slaps me on the nogger yeah an says you dillywit, I was this close to getting a jerker from the candygirl ere, an you've gone an kicked the stabbywoks, what the hell is wrong in there. So we gets our fannies up real gentle but when we turn around there are the stabbywoks ready to trim us good. So puppy says real dumb ey boys it's been fun but I've already got a haircut. So the biggest cheeker says we've got to follow them into the back and that's when puppy says yeah I think not and me I just leak me trousers real quiet like because I know I had a long life ahead of me and I've gone and pawned it on account of some nasty gremlin for a slippery in the wheelchaser. Yeah but that's when puppy pulled out his vegetable chopper, and I was thinking there's no way, I ask him how'd you hide that from the ninnies an he just winks at me in that cute puppy way he does. So the big fellas run forward and he jumps on the bartop yeah and he's dancin around and slicin about and the guys got their own choppers but he's too good, he cuts right through their slappers an they holler and the slapper changs about on the moptop an there's bodywine all over the place now an I slip an hit me head on a chair. People are screamin yeah and then people come out from the back with peoplewhoppers so I think oh puppy's dead now, I gotta call his old lady an tell her the bad news, but not so fast yeah puppys chopper is moving so fast it cuts right through the whops and he's dicing the onions up now, and it was so exciting I aven't felt so glittery like this before, and when he's finally done he says to me come on, I know a dingo that can drag us through the needlenest. Well that sounded good to me so we went in the sewers, yeah, an when we came out there was some ol boneshiner whistlin away and he put us in a floatytop and away we drifted.

And that's how Puppy and I fled to Malaysia after killing mafia members in a bar in Singapore.

[Rahxephon91]

I can't jerk off to this.

[samfish]

A few years ago my wife and I were visiting the red light district of Thailand.

My wife had to literally tell the prostitutes to come and sit with me. It was really sad, knowing the the hooker sitting next to you was only doing so because your wife had to demand it.

[Tasty]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

[Mupepe]

A few years ago my wife and I were visiting the red light district of Thailand.

My wife had to literally tell the prostitutes to come and sit with me. It was really sad, knowing the the hooker sitting next to you was only doing so because your wife had to demand it.

that actually sounds hot.  Your wife was ordering a hooker for you.  hot hot hot

[shosta]

[chronovore]

I can't jerk off to this.

Yeah, it was a difficult fap, even for me.

[Bebpo]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

You’re plenty cool Andy!

[I'm a Puppy!]

I can't jerk off to this.

Yeah, it was a difficult fap, even for me.

Yeah, reading that was difficult, but

[Tasty]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

You’re plenty cool Andy!

😚

[VomKriege]

OK so I found my main problem : I never was a super social guy and while in a relationship my partner managed most of it (we had large circles of common acquaintances anyway, not that I'm super involved with them... or them with me). There's a couple activities I need to develop on my own but otherwise and at the moment I don't get to meet people. I guess I can always try dating apps, but making a Facebook account is meh.
I will enter some training soon, so will meet a couple of fresh faces, I guess.

[CatsCatsCats]

Download kik and search for some local chats or something. You’ll be getting pegged by dinner!

[Bebpo]

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[Tasty]

With social anxiety, my female friends tell me it's common for a woman to hear 'why are you so quiet?" as guys come up to them and wanna talk. But maybe with a guy it's taken more like "why are you so unfriendly?" because men are just supposed to be these goofy energetic wild social animals and if you're not one than there's something wrong with you.

I think you're reading too much into this. Don't compare yourself with other people and you'll be fine.

It's why I've never met a girl at a bar, or a social thing, or on the street or anywhere and made a connection. It's kinda depressing to have lived 36 years and never had that kind of experience of striking up a conversation with someone and hitting it off.

I mean that stuff is common, but I think the media (specifically sitcoms) overplays how it works in the real world. I've never had that experience either tbh and I don't really care if I do or don't, the guys I meet are either friends of friends or random people from a hookup app.

Edit- Actually this sort of reminds me of your insistence in Vegas that "a man isn't anything without a good watch." That kind of "I need to compare myself to others and also to the media portrayal of hookup culture" isn't totally healthy. I'm not saying don't go to bars or socialize to meet women, but don't do it because you think that's your only option (especially if all it does is make you uncomfortable and depressed.)

[ToxicAdam]

I've never liked forced drinking events (pub crawls, mixers, etc) to meet new people. In theory, they seem like a good way to meet people, but in practice it's usually as you describe.

I've always liked group events instead. A softball team, a bowling league, a cycling club, a jogging group, a hiking group, a sand volleyball league. Having something else to focus on while interacting with other people is much more liberating. Even if you don't meet anyone or make a connection, at least you had that activity to enjoy. It doesn't feel like a waste of time.

Plus, many of those events require you to come back every week. So, you get to slowly meet people or loosen up around these strangers. Not everyone is constantly "ON" all the time and you can misread them as they are misreading you.





 

[Tasty]

^ Completely agreed.

[Assimilate]

I need to seek therapy. I'm obsessed with phat booty 

if i see one i can't stop looking

[desert punk]

Tasty is right: Thinking along the lines of "guys are supposed to do it this way, girls are supposed to behave that way" and taking it as gospel is not healthy in general. But it's particularly destructive for people who do not conform to these stereotypes. Some are able to fake it, most are not. And people do pick up on that, and wonder why you're acting up even though you're not feeling comfortable.

Perhaps joining a sports team or some other similar group is the better way of finding new friends for you. Unlike in a bar setting, you may not feel the need to adjust to those social norms as keenly.

[Bebpo]

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[desert punk]

Sorry if I insinuated that you were without a social life, that wasn't my intention. But if this isn't your problem, then I don't understand why you're beating yourself up over this. I mean it's good that you try to leave and engage with things outside your comfort zone. But pushing yourself to be this social nightlife butterfly to a point that you're on the verge of depression? I don't think that's healthy, especially when you do have other options.

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What you're describing here isn't as exciting or as magical as you make it out to be. I'm no social butterfly either, but I do have that weird ability of attracting strangers to engage and talk with me. I did experience this stuff and let me tell you, there's nothing special about it. Sure, it's gratifying when you high-five a dude you don't know on the streets at night or toast loudly and take repeated shots with a bunch of strangers in a pub. But none of that shit is really that meaningful, it's all just drunk gestures with people you don't know and most likely won't see again the morning after.

The relationships that I cultivated didn't just happen overnight. I took meeting and engaging them repeatedly. Some of them I didn't even like at the beginning. Those dudes and dudettes I met one night and took shots with? Those I mostly haven't seen again.

My problem is that I'm often too scared and/or disinterested to maintain those relationships permanently

[VomKriege]

There was a women in my professional training center who looked a little like a thicker, shorter Emily Blunt.
 

No real opportunity to get to speak to her sadly.