RELATIONSHIPS: helping wizards deplete their mana since 2011

[Raist]

Fun fact: Fasho (well, Facho) is short for Fascist commonly used in French.

This was your educational minute of the day, please resume your dumb activities (as shall I).

[Let's Cyber]

This is going to be more of a vent post but I thought I'd just bounce some of this off random people to see their thoughts and I'd rather not make a new thread. This is concerning my parents.

Some background. Married 30 years, eloped in their early 20s. Both are now in their 50s. Over the course of the last 8 months, my mother has lost both of her parents and her job. My grandfather had been in poor health for a while and had essentially given up on life a long time ago. For many years he suffered from depression and was totally unwilling to go through physical therapy (post hip replacement) or help himself. Watching him give up was incredibly hard on the family (especially my mother) but we had been prepared for his death for a while. After a series of infections and him refusing treatment, he was sent to hospice care and died a few weeks later.

What was a surprise was my grandmother (his wife) passing only 6 weeks later. She had been in decent health until then and had living on her own. She also had been in decent spirits after my grandpa was gone. Either way, came as a shock.

Also relevant was that both of my parents lost their jobs within a few months apart. My mother was fired shortly after my grandfather passed and a week before her mother died. She had needed a lot of time off work the previous several months to handle all of my grandfather's hospital visits and seemingly constant series of health crises. She was fired for "being on her phone too much" and "distracted" while at work. No shit. My father, in an unrelated situation, quit his job after some clashes with a new boss. He loved his job but the workplace had become increasingly hostile. Both my parents have new jobs now but my father is still bitter he was forced to leave a profession he loved.

After all of this, my parents have increasingly fought post-holidays. Understandably, my mother has been emotionally distant and grieving after a traumatic few months but it has worn on my father. I think my dad is bitter my mom wasn't there to support him through his job drama and she's angry with him for even being upset about his job when she just lost her parents. He's feeling underappreciated and unloved while my mother is trying to find some kind of normalcy after all this chaos.  During some recent fights, I guess some decades old wounds have been reopened and old grudges dredged up. This past week and after increasingly intense fights, my dad left and is staying with my aunt. It's a strange situation because they've always been the emotional rock of not just our immediate family but that of the extended family. To see them at odds and unwilling to find common ground feels very alien. I plan on talking with my dad this weekend (we haven't spoke since he left) and I'm not really sure what to say other than recommend a third party to mediate and couples counseling. Part of me is pissed for him leaving but I know presenting any blame or anger on my part isn't going to help and would likely make things worse. 

TL;DR: After several family deaths and career changes, my parents are at odds. For the first time in a 30 year marriage, my father recently moved out of my parent's house. It's undoubtedly a tough time for both of them but I feel much of this bad blood has been caused by a tempestuous and exogenous series of events.  I just don't want them to do anything too rash or permanent this fresh off such a harrowing past year. I'm not sure what my role should be, if at all, in trying to mediate beyond recommending counseling.

[VomKriege]

I think you're right that there's not much to do beyond promoting counseling and telling your mind about the whole thing (that it's a temporary crisis) when appropriate.

Depression and sort of giving up can be grueling for relatives, especially those who try to carry them. I don't know how it went but your mother may have felt a bit alone when trying to care for your grandfather ? If so it can breed a bit of resentment too.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Yeah man. Keep out of it. Nothing good can come from getting involved. Just let them know that you love regardless and let me find their own path.

[chronovore]

I'm with Puppy, though I'd counsel letting your parents know that you support them and love them. Right now the whole world seems to be at odds with them and their lives, so hearing from their kids that they're still accepted will likely do them some good.

[Brehvolution]

this season feels like true detective s1

Daddario

[Rahxephon91]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

[brawndolicious]

99% of the sexual stories you post makes me think your dick needs an exorcism but in that moment I think you actually suffered from a bit too much shame. The only thing you can do with shame is to just experience it.

Of course you've always had a festering, crippling sense of shame but once you become numb to it, that's the really hard part as you're evaluating situations in new ways and feel a bit like you lost a part of your identity that was always there. It'll take time and energy but you've got plenty.

[Tasty]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

It's corny and cliche but honestly I would have just asked "Come here often?" And go from there. There's always next time though.

I feel like if you can dance your ass off in a crowd without caring what people think, it's not too many steps from there to a fully realized social identity. A lot of the principles are the same I feel.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

My daughter has started college and a guy hit on her by saying, "Ay, yo hot momma!" To which she replied, "I....I'm not your mother!" And ran away.

LOL.

[Tasty]

Well I can confirm I'm still afraid of women.

I love going to this one bar in the city that has this hipster ass bar on the main floor and in the basement this little dance area. It's my favorite place, because I love to just get out there and dance like an idiot. I mean when everyone's drunk it doesn't matter.

But when I was there this past weekend I was hit on for what has to be like the first time and I super froze.

I went to get a drink and while at the bar this blonde girl who was probably good looking swayed her butt into my thighs. I was like WTF is touching me and I looked around and saw her. She was looking at me and smiling. I think i smiled back and then went back to waiting for my drink. She did this like three times and then I said "I have to get back to my friends".

Well I'm a loser, but I just don't know what to say to people I don't know. lol.

Anyway my hope is that by constantly going out eventually I'll get better at this stuff.

My daughter has started college and a guy hit on her by saying, "Ay, yo hot momma!" To which she replied, "I....I'm not your mother!" And ran away.

LOL.

I hope you never let her forget this story

[Bebpo]

The Singapore nightlife

Feels like I’m in what I imagine places like Ibiza are.

[I'm a Puppy!]

The Singapore nightlife

Feels like I’m in what I imagine places like Ibiza are.

Bebs, careful man. Singapore is crazy. I might've told this story here when it happened.

Last time I went to a bar in Singapore this insanely hot girl came up to me and said, "You should buy me a drink"
I asked her why I would do that. And she said it was because she was the hottest girl there. I agreed but she'd have to buy me a drink too. She laughed and asked why she would do that. I told her it was because I was the only guy that ever asked her to. She laughed and walked away. After a while she came back and asked me what I wanted to drink. We ended up talking a few hours about the Singapore night life and how she and her friends essentially go around getting sugar daddies from overseas travellers that make business trips to Singapore. She was very good at it. If we ever meet up in Vegas, I'll tell you the whole story.

[Rahxephon91]

I mean you could just tell the whole story here since you've got us going...

[CatsCatsCats]

#hotactics

[I'm a Puppy!]

I mean you could just tell the whole story here since you've got us going...

Dude it was like a 3 hour conversation with a self-professed gold digger (she didn't mess with broke niccas) and her sordid stories and tactics. Not going try and summarize all that up. There's too much.

[Rahxephon91]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

[Rahxephon91]

I can't jerk off to this.

[samfish]

A few years ago my wife and I were visiting the red light district of Thailand.

My wife had to literally tell the prostitutes to come and sit with me. It was really sad, knowing the the hooker sitting next to you was only doing so because your wife had to demand it.

[Tasty]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

[Mupepe]

A few years ago my wife and I were visiting the red light district of Thailand.

My wife had to literally tell the prostitutes to come and sit with me. It was really sad, knowing the the hooker sitting next to you was only doing so because your wife had to demand it.

that actually sounds hot.  Your wife was ordering a hooker for you.  hot hot hot

[chronovore]

I can't jerk off to this.

Yeah, it was a difficult fap, even for me.

[Bebpo]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

You’re plenty cool Andy!

[I'm a Puppy!]

I can't jerk off to this.

Yeah, it was a difficult fap, even for me.

Yeah, reading that was difficult, but

[Tasty]

But I'm not cool enough for Vegas.

I wasn't and I still had a blast.

You’re plenty cool Andy!

😚

[VomKriege]

OK so I found my main problem : I never was a super social guy and while in a relationship my partner managed most of it (we had large circles of common acquaintances anyway, not that I'm super involved with them... or them with me). There's a couple activities I need to develop on my own but otherwise and at the moment I don't get to meet people. I guess I can always try dating apps, but making a Facebook account is meh.
I will enter some training soon, so will meet a couple of fresh faces, I guess.

[CatsCatsCats]

Download kik and search for some local chats or something. You’ll be getting pegged by dinner!

[Bebpo]

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[Tasty]

With social anxiety, my female friends tell me it's common for a woman to hear 'why are you so quiet?" as guys come up to them and wanna talk. But maybe with a guy it's taken more like "why are you so unfriendly?" because men are just supposed to be these goofy energetic wild social animals and if you're not one than there's something wrong with you.

I think you're reading too much into this. Don't compare yourself with other people and you'll be fine.

It's why I've never met a girl at a bar, or a social thing, or on the street or anywhere and made a connection. It's kinda depressing to have lived 36 years and never had that kind of experience of striking up a conversation with someone and hitting it off.

I mean that stuff is common, but I think the media (specifically sitcoms) overplays how it works in the real world. I've never had that experience either tbh and I don't really care if I do or don't, the guys I meet are either friends of friends or random people from a hookup app.

Edit- Actually this sort of reminds me of your insistence in Vegas that "a man isn't anything without a good watch." That kind of "I need to compare myself to others and also to the media portrayal of hookup culture" isn't totally healthy. I'm not saying don't go to bars or socialize to meet women, but don't do it because you think that's your only option (especially if all it does is make you uncomfortable and depressed.)

[ToxicAdam]

I've never liked forced drinking events (pub crawls, mixers, etc) to meet new people. In theory, they seem like a good way to meet people, but in practice it's usually as you describe.

I've always liked group events instead. A softball team, a bowling league, a cycling club, a jogging group, a hiking group, a sand volleyball league. Having something else to focus on while interacting with other people is much more liberating. Even if you don't meet anyone or make a connection, at least you had that activity to enjoy. It doesn't feel like a waste of time.

Plus, many of those events require you to come back every week. So, you get to slowly meet people or loosen up around these strangers. Not everyone is constantly "ON" all the time and you can misread them as they are misreading you.





 

[Tasty]

^ Completely agreed.

[Assimilate]

I need to seek therapy. I'm obsessed with phat booty 

if i see one i can't stop looking

[desert punk]

Tasty is right: Thinking along the lines of "guys are supposed to do it this way, girls are supposed to behave that way" and taking it as gospel is not healthy in general. But it's particularly destructive for people who do not conform to these stereotypes. Some are able to fake it, most are not. And people do pick up on that, and wonder why you're acting up even though you're not feeling comfortable.

Perhaps joining a sports team or some other similar group is the better way of finding new friends for you. Unlike in a bar setting, you may not feel the need to adjust to those social norms as keenly.

[Bebpo]

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[desert punk]

Sorry if I insinuated that you were without a social life, that wasn't my intention. But if this isn't your problem, then I don't understand why you're beating yourself up over this. I mean it's good that you try to leave and engage with things outside your comfort zone. But pushing yourself to be this social nightlife butterfly to a point that you're on the verge of depression? I don't think that's healthy, especially when you do have other options.

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What you're describing here isn't as exciting or as magical as you make it out to be. I'm no social butterfly either, but I do have that weird ability of attracting strangers to engage and talk with me. I did experience this stuff and let me tell you, there's nothing special about it. Sure, it's gratifying when you high-five a dude you don't know on the streets at night or toast loudly and take repeated shots with a bunch of strangers in a pub. But none of that shit is really that meaningful, it's all just drunk gestures with people you don't know and most likely won't see again the morning after.

The relationships that I cultivated didn't just happen overnight. I took meeting and engaging them repeatedly. Some of them I didn't even like at the beginning. Those dudes and dudettes I met one night and took shots with? Those I mostly haven't seen again.

My problem is that I'm often too scared and/or disinterested to maintain those relationships permanently

[VomKriege]

There was a women in my professional training center who looked a little like a thicker, shorter Emily Blunt.
 

No real opportunity to get to speak to her sadly.

[BlackMage]

I've been married for 3 years now, and sometimes I envy you people who can go home and just be alone and not have to worry about another person. I took that shit for granted. Not to say that I don't love my wife.. just that things can get too much... It's all perspective maaan!

[Mupepe]

You don't have those moments in your marriage?  I usually have at least 3 days to myself a week where I can do just that.  I think those times are necessary and healthy. 

[Atramental]

Question: some girl on tinder keeps on matching with me (4 times now) but she never responds back to any of my messages. Am I getting played here? 

[brawndolicious]

Maybe she's swiping right on everybody?

[I'm a Puppy!]

I've been married for 3 years now, and sometimes I envy you people who can go home and just be alone and not have to worry about another person. I took that shit for granted. Not to say that I don't love my wife.. just that things can get too much... It's all perspective maaan!

There's different types of people in marriage. Some people just want every moment together. Others need a lot of time apart.
Just chat about it. Perhaps it's because I travel so much, but I'm in the most moments together camp.

[hungrynoob]

Maybe she's swiping right on everybody?

no way girls do that because 80% of every profile they will see ill just flood their message bar.

[brawndolicious]

Can you run the stats for this being an emotional spank bank situation? I just have a hunch.

[hungrynoob]

I'm pretty sure that no one has ever liked me from the start.

If you go in thinking youre going to lose - then you're going to lose. Separate yourself from the social expectations and change your mind set on how youre going to socialise with people. Sure meeting people in crowded public places isn't for them, but what if it was a houseparty with a bunch of people you dont know? or any social situation where you dont know the other people? Or rather - how do you know you dont like those situations if youve never had a truly successful one (I guess thats a large assumption on my part)

It's easy to stick with the devil you know rather than the devil you don't, even if you try to socialise, and fail because of your pre-conceieved notion on how others perceive you, it sucks, but its an easier to pill to swallow than actually having to put yourself out there. When that girl asked you why you seem so unfriendly, shes asking you why are you afraid to come out of your shell?

Trust me, ive been there, people can pick up your emotional state because you act it out subconsciously, even if you try to beat our social anxiety if you cant believe and trust in your own mind that you can do it - people, especially women, will sense it and it will be an ever-lasting snowball clusterfuck of disappointment.

Youre going to have to put faith in yourself and other people, and learn to enjoy being around people irregardless of the situation. That is what is really important, no matter where you go, the people.

You've probably heard fake it til you make it - while I understand why its phrased that way. I fucking hate it being called that. My mate suffers from severe social anxiety, to the point he cant ask a dj to put on a song in a bar. He came across youtube videos that said fake it til you make it, and got super fucking depressed because he doesnt want to be 'fake'.

The reason I hate that shit is because its more complicated than that, the things we tell ourselves mentally affect our emotional state, you might have heard of the wolf metaphor. If you imagine two wolves in your subconscious the positive and the negative. The thoughts we have about ourselves feed one of these two wolves. When you tell yourself that you are socially anxious, that people dont like you, that you cant do this or dont like that, you are feeding the wrong wolf and that signals the subconscious to position your being to fit the mode of conscious thought. So in a way you are telling yourself to be that way, and your body is like "roger that". To be the opposite you need to feed the other wolf, the wolf that makes you better and stronger, the more you tell yourself that you can be the person you want to be, that you will be the person you want to be, your subconscious and body will respond appropriately. https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/11/4/621/2375054 - its the reason why positive affirmations work.

Im just the forum crackpot though so do as you please.

edit: just realised this is a late reply, buttfuckit

[tiesto]

My mate suffers from severe social anxiety, to the point he cant ask a dj to put on a song in a bar.

I wish more people had that kind of anxiety... I always get the most ridiculous requests when I play 

[CatsCatsCats]

Will you play Aquagen - Everybody’s Free plz?

[I'm a Puppy!]

My mate suffers from severe social anxiety, to the point he cant ask a dj to put on a song in a bar.

I wish more people had that kind of anxiety... I always get the most ridiculous requests when I play 

Can you play "Call me maybe?"

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

lmao

[Atramental]

Matched with this girl who was a viner:



And here's me trying to impress her with my "comedy chops".


I've been dying to write that joke.

[Phoenix Dark]

[CatsCatsCats]

Lol dude wow

[Atramental]

   

I'm making myself laugh so it's totally worth it.

[CatsCatsCats]

I should probably start sharing some open marriage stories again soon 🤔

[Atramental]

Annnnd she’s gone.

She was a lolbertarian anyways. 

[mormapope]

 

I'm making myself laugh so it's totally worth it.

At a certain point, you gotta say fuck it and have fun.

From my experiences, a lot of people are either broken or boring.

EDIT: Case in point, she was a libertarian. One point for broken.

[CatsCatsCats]

Do you think it was that she took that as a vague threat of anal destruction?

[Atramental]

One could only hope.

[Assimilate]

my brief time on tinder showed me that if you talk too much they hate that. you can't blow them up on the first talk unless they're doing it to you first.

crazy enough i've met like 4 amazing girls on tinder in only the few months i was on.

[CatsCatsCats]

I actually did lose my virginity to girl named Hilary in college.

Thank you , good sir , nothing has brought me more joy than this post this Easter

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

This thread is due for a comeback and only you Atramental can bring it back