Here it is, my watchmen review.
spoiler (click to show/hide)
First of all, I want to go ahead and get this out of the way. Zach Snyder, overall, did a decent job being accurate to the source material. The movie is incredibly accurate to the graphic novel, almost going shot for frame in some instances. The way the opening credits were done to The Times Are A'Changing was pretty damn awesome. Both Doctor Manhattan and Rorschach were done beautifully and acted well. With the exception of one notable slip up, the music selection was amazing and suitable (personal favorite: "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" elevator music style in the background of the scene leading up to Veidt's assassination attempt, although Jimi Hendrix's All Along The Watchtower was placed perfectly as well)
However, there are a few dealbreakers. For one, the Doc Manhattan/Comedian Vietnam sequence is comical. Basically, it's Doc Manhattan and the Comedian kicking ass to the Flight of the Valkyries theme. I found it humorous and I'm sure it was intentional, but, especially when the scene that follows it was when the Comedian shoots his fucking pregnant Vietnamese mistress, it was highly inappropriate. The rape scene was also humorous, probably unintentionally, because, immediately after the Comedian bends a subdued Silk Spectre over a pool table, the camera zooms on the Comedian's crotch area against Silk Spectre's and we see a smiley face belt around his waste. Not the iconic smiley from the cover of the book either, a retro-styled one that just looks ridiculous. So fucking unintentional.
The acting was very mediocre across the board except for where I mentioned it. A friend of mine who walked out (never read the novel before) had trouble connecting with any of the characters, and it was very obvious why. No could act in this film other than Billy Cudrup and Jackie Earle Haley.
The structure of the plot was unlike any I've really seen in film before, and if I hadn't read the graphic novel, I can't say that I would have followed the film very well. I'm trying to be unaltered by saying it felt as if the film jumped around at random. Of course I knew what was going to happen and what was next in the comic so I could keep up, but my friend said this was the chief reason other than the sex scene (which I am getting to) that he walked out for.
The sex scene is possibly the worst offense that Zach Snyder has EVER done to his audience ever, much worse than 300. For this, I can't give the movie a good rating. It hurts to give it an "okay," but the movie does some things well so I can't say I completely hated it. The first "almost" sex scene between Silk Spectre and Nite Owl was meant to be humorous, and I realize this. He can't get it up, for christ sakes. I was okay with this. However, what I am about to describe to you is unfuckingbelievable. The sex scene aboard the good airship Archie is to the Leonard Cohen version of the song "Hallelujah."
That's right. I can picture Snyder holding back laughter behind the camera. Not only that, it's a fucking horrible sex scene. I'm not going to deny that it wasn't fucking hilarious, but not only was humor not the intended result in the fucking source material, it really upset the pace of the film.
It's like the humor is sporadic. It pops up every once in a while, but in inopportune times. It's fucking unbelievable how Snyder purposely takes the death of Vietnamese in Vietnam and makes that loltastic and then goes ahead and puts on some Hallelujah for fuck music. The worst part: She hits the fucking fire button (the one she mistakes for a cigarette lighter in the comic) when she orgasms.
Let me finish this up since I now only have three hours to sleep: The ending was pretty good. Instead of the giant squid, they blame it on Doctor Manhattan. They build it up to where Jon was helping Veidt the entire movie, with Veidt actually learning how to harness his power to make a mass bomb to take out New York and set the entire world against the godman. Honestly, it's much more credible than the comic book version IMO. I can't bitch about that. I think they made Laurie pregnant in the epilogue as well, which is about the only other thing they changed. Although Ozymandius and Doc Manhattan don't have their epic conversation at the end (it's more cliffnotes'd) Jon does say the line about making his own life someday to Laurie near the end.
Overall, I'd probably give it maybe a 5.5 or a 6 if I'm feeling generous. Snyder did some really great things, but he fucked some things up, and he definitely didn't make a film as much as what felt like a twelve part miniseries that fits into three hours. Maybe instead of accuracy he should have not made the Vietnam War or sex intentionally funny for his own weird reasons at incredibly inopportune times in the film. I could have lived with shitty acting performances if I would have skipped the Hallelujah bullshit. Jesus.
tl;dr Basically, it's a meh from good ole Bloodwake. You might like it if you were a fan of the graphic novel, but you will still have to suffer through one or two parts of WHAT THE FUCK ZACH SNYDER.
